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Golden Cheese Cookie gripped onto the branch with tense knuckles, her feet planted carefully as well. Her wings instinctively were widespread to ease her wavering balance. The avian swallowed, unable to rid herself of the hollow and sick sensation at the base of her throat.
It had been several days since the incident.
Though Pure Vanilla had deemed her air-worthy, she stayed on the ground for a few days, wary yellow eyes trained on the clear sky. The clouds and the rain would linger on the mountain’s opposite face, since they had settled in the dry half of the valley. There was nowhere for her to hide.
Though her lovers were sympathetic, she couldn’t put off her owed work for much longer, even if lazing about wasn’t in the forefront of her mind. With plastered faux confidence, she lifted off the ground for the first time before them. It was effortless, the breeze was a good one. It seemed to do the trick, as she had examined the utter relief washing over their faces. She had fluttered a good distance away from the sight of the camp clearing before she zipped and clutched onto the branch she was sitting on now.
It was like pins and needles had crawled up her spine. She didn’t feel pain…but everything felt wrong. From the breeze, to the sun, her sweat…she even shuddered as a few scant leaves brushed against her as a small zephyr passed by.
Wrong. Incorrect. False.
It was wrong…wrong wrong wrong… and she was unable to shake that repeating mantra from her mind. She felt like a fledgling again, cautiously eyeing a nearby branch. Cheese glanced up, the canopy has her fully covered. She shakes herself and steels herself. Her wings are shivering, feathers flared in a static puff. The sick nausea increased tenfold, her dry lips tightening in a thin line. She’s thinking way too hard about this but is unable to stop.
She tries to start branching, it’s only ten feet away, the most simple of glides. She leaps. Her wings snap shut, she falters, barely clawing onto the new branch before it cracks and she falls.
She yelps and lands in a bush, the twigs and leaves scratching against the bare spots on her wing. It causes her to screech, and she barrels out onto the ground, the pins seemingly gouging into her spine. She falls to her knees, shaking and panting.
Golden Cheese forces her wings to open again and furiously flaps them. It’s a reflex to relieve stress, but all it does is thankfully shake off the remnants of bush in her plumes.
…
There’s no one around, so she stayed sitting on that forested ground. She wrapped her arms around herself, fingers scratching at her shoulders. The itch made itself known, so she scratched some more.
There might have been bugs in that bush. She itched even more.
Golden Cheese pulled her wings around her and her fingers dug into the creases between her feathers. She raked her claws against the invisible irritant, and downy feathers started drifting to the ground.
Her breathing grew ragged and frantic. Her body felt like it was on fire.
There’s a sharp sting, physical and real. She tenses, gritting her teeth. The itch is gone.
She slowly looked down at her hands, crushed and snapped golden feathers, real ones, clutched in her bare fists. The avian slowly released her fingers, and the shards of those shafts scattered onto the grass.
Her wings are more uneven than before…but she suddenly felt a lot better. She made her way onto her wobbly legs, tucking her wings behind her, firmly holding them in place.
The panic seemed to have passed, and she reached out for her spear. Metal weapon in hand, she sucked in a long breath between her teeth. She held it there for a few seconds, before letting it back out slow as her ribcage shivered.
She was in a better place…
Golden Cheese started to walk. Even with all the dirt and stones digging into her bare feet, she still kept on walking.
For the first time since learning to hunt as a child, she spends the entire hunting trip on foot. She gets quite lucky, stumbling on a herd of Wafer Elk resting in the grove. She targets the largest one, and with one well placed driving throw, her spear pierces its jugular vein. The bull drops to the ground, prompting the rest of the herd to panic and flee deeper into the forest.
The other four grew worried as the sun began to set. Cheese’s hunts were always short and brisk, given that she could cover a lot of ground and preferred to catch a horde of smaller game like birds, fish, or rabbits.
That’s why it’s slightly more believable that she’s tardy when they spot her struggling to drag a massive elk nearly twice her size through the tree line by its crown of antlers.
“Golden Cheese?! W-“ Hollyberry manages to stammer out.
“L-Look, I know!” Cheese interrupted her quickly, wrapping another cheeky smile on her face. “He was just sitting there and it’s just so much food, I couldn’t let it go to waste, y’know?”
Dark Cacao managed the haul the beast over his shoulders, “She does realize that weight doesn’t correspond to…” he hefted up the carcass for better balance before trudging back. “…the number of hunting patrols she owes, right?”
Golden Cheese swallowed a stiff knot in her throat, and Pure Vanilla came up to her side and rested a hand on her shoulder. “I know you well, Little Bird… I know that you’re just looking to prove yourself, but you don’t have to push yourself so hard so quickly. You’re still recovering.”
“Blondie, I get it.” She shrugged his hand off with a wide grin that she hoped he didn’t see right through. “I swear it was just an opportunity I didn’t want to pass up.” She rubbed the back of her head, “-and our food stores were a little low for the past few days, I-I just wanted to help.”
“Well…” he said with that awfully soft and endearing voice. “Alright…” he leaned over and kissed her cheek. “You did a wonderful job, but promise me you’ll aim for something smaller next time? Maybe come back before dusk?” His smile was oh so genuine.
Golden Cheese vigorously nodded her head, her cheeks starting to ache from forcing it. “Mmhmm!!”
That seemed good enough for Pure Vanilla, always so patient and steady. She envied that about him. He’d be an incredible liar if he ever had the stomach for it. She slowly followed everyone back and tried to mesh in with the idle chatter as if everything was fully back to normal. If anyone said anything about her being quieter than usual, she could just chock it up to muscles strain. She sat in front of the fire with everyone, watching their cutlets sizzle and gather char on the edges.
The avian kept her wings tucked close to her the entire evening. Before the incident, they emoted as much as she did, excitedly and enthusiastically, however, she just…
Her fingers itched ever so slightly, but she had grabbed her jelly cutlet on a stick before she could really dwell on it. She was thankful that the others didn’t seem to be smothering her despite what happened. She was certain that would have stressed her out even more.
She passed up Vanilla’s offer to examine her again and after finishing dinner, she excused herself rather abruptly.
She loved everyone…she did. Of course she did. However, she couldn’t deny the sensation of ease that overcame her when she shut up her tent behind her and fell into her nest. It was an peculiar duality that was at odds within her soul. Truthfully, she wanted nothing more than to mingle with everyone, cuddling and nuzzling. She was always an extremely social creature, perhaps even the most social next to Hollyberry Cookie. She yearned to be with them…but a wall of hesitation sprouted up in front of her, cutting her off from them. Above all else, she couldn’t find the strength to test that wall, shying away into a corner. She had a suspicion of why, as the memory of that horrid day came flooding back as she tried to sleep.
She could think of nothing else but the agonizing horror that had befallen her body. The rushing of air as she plummeted through it. The scrapes and harsh bruises as the forest broke her fall. The brambles scoring into her flesh and her already traumatized wings.
She had wanted to pass out, to fall into darkness so the agony would cease. She nearly did before the frantic call of the soul bond urged her consciousness to stay present. Cheese had initially been overjoyed. They were coming for her, they would save her, make her feel all better. She would be safe. She would survive.
The avian Queen had savored Holly’s fruit flavored scent when she had her face buried in the crook of her neck. Past all the blood, light-headed fog, and the rushing of Holly’s frantic pulse, she could ignore it all because she would be safe.
…
Golden Cheese never thought that they would…could…ever inflict so much pain and misery on her in that state…
She started to itch.
They had no choice… They had to stop the bleeding… It meant overwhelming pressure…it meant restraining her, hard knees digging into her wings to pin her to the ground. They had all squeezed too hard as she fought them…their nails digging into her skin. She had cried as her brain fried with every foreign hand tugging on her large plumes, tearing out rooted flesh. And then the water…
She scratched her arms.
It was freezing, ice cold…She had been sopping wet…unable to flex her heavy clumped feathers to absorb any heat. They poured more and more over her back, and eventually in the midst of it all, she had frozen into a state of shock, like a fawn facing a charging wolf. Her eyes had been wide and unmoving, her muscles locked tight. She laid still on the ground, her wheezing lungs only cycling a minuscule amount of oxygen, a mouse breath multiple times a second.
She wasn’t sure if any of them had noticed in their flurry. They just kept yanking…and pulling, and pouring. She felt all of it but her body stayed stock still like she was being eaten alive bit by bit, piece by piece.
It finally ended, and she had to be…maneuvered. The shock lasted for an hour, and when it finally broke, she had burst into tears. Arms flew around her, but she desperately wanted to push them away. She was too weak to do so. She cried and sobbed more and more as they kept touching her, petting her head and stroking her cheeks, holding her hands and kissing her knuckles. She cried until she couldn’t anymore, overwhelmed with exhaustion as Lily brushed her hair. She wanted even that to stop…
Cacao had just left…she realized a few hours after he had returned with the rest of her wing, when he had been sitting peacefully beside her. The shock had left her shaken and silent, but his quiet presence had brought her slowly…slowly…back to herself. He wasn’t overly touchy…and the physical brushes he did provide were often calculated and meaningful, not overstaying their welcome…
She scratched some more…
Golden Cheese sometimes feared that the bond between her and Dark Cacao wasn’t as strong as it could be. It was only natural that they all wouldn’t share the exact same enthusiastic amount of love for each other. He and her were just…so different. He could be such a dull stick in the mud…and never liked to do anything fun or exciting… She didn’t like the weather he cherished, and he was just so large that he was intimidating by default, especially to such a flighty thing like her. She had to spaz around everywhere, and he had to be sick of her shenanigans…and yet…
He was soft…gentle…calm… His size was formidable but he always handled her with grace. He liked to watch her fly, well everybody did, but he did it quietly. The king was broad and very…well toned, with a handsome face and deep…deep violet eyes. She liked getting lost in the details of her lovers’ eyes, like her gemstones.
He had been a part of the…assault…treatment…whatever…but he had pulled back…nervous and full of worry. He kept his distance…and distance at that point was what she needed. The actions he went through for her were flattering. The way he spoke of it all…made her heart flutter. He did truly care for her…even if he didn’t show it outwardly most of the time. Right at that moment, he was just what she needed.
A sharp sting…she had pulled out another feather, setting it aside. It was a distraction, and the thoughts faded away. Her mind was firmly made up, but she felt she needed something to take the edge off. She moved some of her bedding and pulled out her bottle of sleep tonic. Lily had this blend made especially for her from many herbs but the main flavor was pure valerian root. It was supposed to help dampen her insomnia but the bitter taste made drinking it regularly unappealing. She corked it open and sighed, swallowing. Physical medicines and other drinks like alcohol or sugary soda tended to travel quick through her system and start metabolizing upon consumption. So, she took a few small sips, gagging slightly at the taste before settling. Over the next few minutes, her overactive senses relaxed, her feathers smoothing back into place. She felt a consistent calmness, that should be enough.
She crept quietly through the center of camp, seeing a soft glow, likely a candlelight, illuminated behind thick mulberry drapes. Inside the tent, Dark Cacao seemed to be doing a bit of late night writing, or maybe calligraphy… Cheese was slightly guilty that she never got a chance to learn the old written word of the north. She was always ecstatic to educate the rest of them of the pictographic language birds from her native land chipped into walls. Regardless, she brushed the cloth entrance aside and approached him, circling behind before coming to his left, to not interfere with his steady right hand. His eyes flitted her way briefly before returning to his hobby. A soft sigh exhaled through his nose, barely noticeable, she figured he was prepared to be badgered.
However, the king certainly didn’t expect her to sit on her knees before gently leaning on him, in total silence. Cacao paused briefly, moving his hand to hover over the inkwell so he wouldn’t ruin his parchment. He seemed to be waiting for something, but Cheese simply sat, her wings tucked back still. After a time he hummed lightly, weaving a large hand around her shoulders, carefully avoiding the joints of her wings. Golden Cheese started to purr, a warm tint growing flush on her cheeks.
There they sat content. Golden Cheese wasn’t sure how much time had passed, as her amber eyes had drifted and remained closed, only opening when she heard the soft clink of a brush coming to rest in a stone jar. The avian raised her head with squinted eyes as she watched the King of the North blow out the candles surrounding his sitting desk. He was getting ready for bed, it seemed.
She reached out and grasped his wrist as he reached for the last candle. “Would…it be alright if you left just one of them lit?” She whispered, her features now illuminated in one single rim light.
“…Of course.” He pulled his hand back, resting it in her lap. “Are you feeling alright?” He asked with gentle concern.
Cheese nodded. “I…suppose I just wanted to see you…and it feels…quite chilly tonight.”
“Is it…?” He was puzzled, and she chuckled and shook her head.
“I often fail to notice the heat.”
“Touché…” he smiled warmly.
“I…” she hesitated for a moment, flexing her fingers out, drawing back, until finally they came to roost on his cheek, generating heat beneath her palm. “I’d like to…warm up a bit. “
The Cacaoian tilted his head and then got the message as her eyes came closer to stare into his, both hands now cupping his face. He reached up himself and brushed a gentle hand through her mane, causing her goosebumps along the entire length of her feathered hide. The king smiled, allowing her to take a seat on his lap. “…As you wish…”
He was so gentle…and so thoughtful as he let her start by taking the lead. Cheese was once again reminded of how he had earned the nickname she teased him with… It had been wonderful, it had been such a long time since they were last intimate. It made for a lovely distraction from everything muddling her mind. Her downy feathers were littered everywhere in his tent. She would have to help clean that up in the morning.
When it was over, Dark Cacao snored serenely, tucked with Cheese under his simple ibul. It was warm enough, especially given their sweat covered skin. Though to be fair, when the Queen regularly slept in a pillowy nest made with the softest cotton on the continent, she was more uncomfortable on the yo mattress for comparison. She understood its practicality and light weight in Cacao’s case. If not for her exhaustion, and his warmth, she would be far from teetering on the edge of sleep. Unfortunately her regular bouts of insomnia kept her tethered from just nodding off. She had hoped that all this activity on top of the tonic would have made it easier. The avian’s wings twitched as she tried to get more comfortable, her hands trailing over his bare chest. He rumbled a bit, his long arm pulling her closer by her lower waist. The king’s head rolled over a bit, the crook of his jaw nestled into her hair. She leaned into it, listening to his calm and steady heart. Cheese smiled softly and nuzzled his neck, taking in his deep and rich scent.
Hollyberry playfully chaffed at them both when the Queen left his tent in the morning with tired eyes and messy hair. It was overwhelmingly obvious what had occurred that night. Lily always found herself blushing in hindsight while Vanilla was overjoyed that the two rekindled their personal bond.
The healer always openly encouraged strengthening their individual relationships with one another. It would make the group stronger as a whole.
However, his perceptive eye caught sight of something as Cheese briskly retreated to her nest to tidy up. His lips tightened and when he had the chance, hours later, he pulled Dark Cacao to the side.
“What is it?” The king’s deep baritone was poised to get straight to the point, seeing the apprehension in those blue and gold irises.
“Dear…when you were with Cheese last night, did you notice anything …perhaps…off about her?”
“Well…” Dark Cacao rested his hands on his hips and shifted his stance. “I didn’t feel anything was out of the ordinary…she was quite …erm…vigorous…par for the course in my understanding…why?”
“Well I…I suppose I thought she looked a bit…a bit ruffled.” Vanilla blinked.
“Ruffled…?”
“Yes.”
“Vanilla, she was ruffled, quite literally.” Dark Cacao scoffed in amusement.
“Oh no no, dear, I know, but that’s not what I meant.” The healer brought a hand to his chin, “I understand it’s only natural that she’d look a bit disheveled…”
“She and I spent a good hour fishing her shedding feathers out of every nook and cranny in my bed.”
“Yes…”
“It will take months for her to molt in her new plumage…Is that why you’re asking me and not her herself? You’d rather not draw her attention to it?”
Vanilla sputtered for a bit, “I-I mean it’s not just that. You know her as well as I do. She’ll just deflect any of my concerns. I swear though…I think she may be…I don’t know…molting earlier than expected.”
“What makes you say that?” Cacao raised an eyebrow.
“Well just look.” The two peered around Holly’s tent to see Cheese idly tossing twigs into the fire, her hands focused on meticulously plucking off every single leaf. “Take a look at her wings. Posture tucked back instead of resting relaxed. But more than that, look at her other wing…” Vanilla looked up at Cacao, waiting for him to see for himself.
A moment of silence… “I don’t follow…” Cacao squinted. “You’ll have to just tell me straight what you see, Sunlight.”
Vanilla sighed, “Her wing ideally should be perfectly groomed…shedding just downy feathers wouldn’t cause the…the misalignment I can’t unsee. I think her healthy wing has lost some of its more important feathers. Just a few, but…”
“Pure Vanilla.”
The healer’s head shot up to stare at Dark Cacao’s soft expression. The king gently grasped him by the shoulders. “Dear…I understand you’re still worried about her…we all are. However, hyper-analyzing her every little movement’s just going to make her feel watched, and not in the way she prefers. She needs space…and we must let her open back up and recover on her own terms.” He sighed and cast a glance off to the side. “I didn’t ever think she’d come to me alone for that sort of comfort…before it all, she was oddly still and quiet…” he shook his head, “…but it was her choice to open up, and I’m sure that in time, she’ll return fully to her usual self. We just need to be patient with her.”
Cacao smiled warmly, brushing a thumb along the blonde’s cheek, “You’re the most patient out of all of us.”
Vanilla raised his hand to hold the palm against his cheek, blushing with a smile of his own. “Yes…you’re right, Starlight… I do believe she is improving. I suppose I just hope that she’ll communicate what she needs from us.”
“I agree as well…but it’s only natural that her behavior will have oddities for some time…you know how she becomes stuck on things…”
“Unable to let them go…” The healer sighed and Dark Cacao nodded.
“We’ll do our best for her…”
Golden Cheese tried to be more mindful of the sun during her hunts. All the consistent activity burned out her legs very quickly. They were strong, but not equipped for endurance. She actually started laying down traps since she couldn’t cover as much ground as the others on foot.
She got pretty lucky with her traps’ catch rate, and sometimes would sit beneath the shade of a tree until it felt like enough time had passed that she could return to camp, no matter how painful the arches of her feet were.
She’d typically sit for the rest of the day hoping that it would feel normal to walk again. Thankfully, she managed to wait it out. The normal schedule was back, and she’d have a few days to rest before she’d have to hunt again.
Unfortunately, now she faced another hurdle. The others would surely notice her reluctance to fly in time. Before the incident, she practically hovered everywhere she went, and…maybe she could manage that…but they would want her to fly again, wouldn’t they? She gazed up at the sky, still blank and cloudless. They’d only be camping here for a few more days. She flapped her wings to rid herself of fidgeting energy.
The next day, in the privacy of a secluded grove with plenty of cover, the avian spread her wings gently and attempted to float off the ground. She did manage to lift off from the grass beneath her feet, but couldn’t maintain any form of balance or hovering. She was far too absorbed in the sickening nausea suddenly welling up in her gut and her frantic beating heart. She tried again several more times, each ensuing attempt becoming more shaken and uncoordinated than the last as her stress and anxiety rose. Frustrated to the point of moistened cheeks, she shakily stumbled to the ground and hung her head in her hands. She was devastated at her psychological loss of flight, infuriated at her weakness, terrified of her newfound circumstances…and what that would mean concerning her relationship with the others and her place on the team.
Cacao had told her that her value wasn’t measured by her strength and abilities…but she was struggling to believe him again. Only she herself knew of her inadequacy at the moment…but it was only a matter of time…
She falls into a sit, looking up at the tall trees…and their branches…
Her amber eyes widen as an idea comes to her.
It was only a matter of time…but she could buy herself more…
Pure Vanilla probably overreacted…just a little bit.
The poor healer was already drowning in doubt…but then Golden Cheese had to go and get herself hurt, again.
It was a much smaller injury, just a scrape really. She said she had been flying and clipped a branch with the wing on accident. Regardless, he insisted on a full examination of her wing to ensure there wasn’t any further damage done since she was supposed to still be in recovery.
“Ah…Vanilla…I don’t know if…is it really necessary?” She suddenly seemed a little tense, stepping on her foot with the other one.
“Nonsense, it won’t take long…I assure you.” The healer looked tired…Golden Cheese’s wings drooped at the bags under his eyes.
“I…I guess…so long as it won’t…” she bites back the lump in her throat, her hands clasped tightly around her back.
He gently led her to a seat in his tent, stepping away for a moment to rifle through his supplies and equipment. The tinkering of little metal sticks being shifted around made her hair stand on edge, and she swallowed hard again, attempting to shake her head and thus shake away the dumb panic her bird brain was alarming in her head. Why did she feel a cold shiver running up her back?
The avian looked to the back tent wall, seeing diagrams of her…and the intimate structure of her wing, compiled with many notes and annotations in Vanilla’s handwriting. She knew full well that those diagrams were used during the incident to stick her wing back on…to help her. However, something about staring at the sight of them made her think of children cutting open nailed down jelly frogs in a classroom…or squealing chickens in backstreet markets. Their faces blinded by an encompassing fist, draping their long stretched soft necks over a heavily scarred log… She had seen their headless bodies flailing…twitching while they were plucked clean…and then tossed in a fire…or a vat of boiling oil…
She was so absorbed in wherever her mind had travelled that she violently flinched when the healer gently grasped her wing to extend it fully. Vanilla was startled too, and her limbs had knocked some things over. Instead of immediately picking them up, he saw her eyes…wide and frozen. He held his hands up, palms outward, leaning down to her level as she was still sitting.
“…Easy…I startled you, I’m so sorry, dearest…” Pure Vanilla stretched his hand outward. “It’s alright…it was an accident…nothing’s broken…” he tried to give her a warm and comforting smile as he gingerly let his fingertips graze her cheekbone, working his way to fully cradle her face in his palm.
He took a breath in, “It probably still hurts a bit… I wasn’t thinking…everything’s okay.” His words finally break her of her frozen panic, and she shakes her head, throwing her gaze to the side.
“N-Nah…it’s fine. These…” she forced her tense wings back into view for him to examine. “…stupid damn things just do whatever they want to, I guess…” She leaned back with her arms crossed.
Vanilla was quite taken aback… Not once had he ever heard her describe her beloved mode of flight in such a way… Her face was a bit unreadable. Tightening his lips a bit, he sighed, trying to offer her another warm look. “Would you like me to talk you through it…?”
“…” he waited patiently. Her shoulders seemed to relax and her face softened. “…Sure.”
The healer then smiled and lowered to a knee, briefly taking her hand to rub his thumb over her knuckles. “You’re alright with me touching your feathers and wings, yes?”
More silence…waiting…then Cheese nodded quietly.
“Alright…I’m going to stretch out your left wing…check for any ligament damage…look over your feathers…” He was as gentle as he could muster, only pressing down on certain joints. He didn’t pull any of her feathers up against the grain, only checking the surface. He followed his narration to a T.
The avian’s neck still prickled with the sensations…but it was a lot easier to manage when she was prepared for it.
The same process repeated with the other wing…the one she clipped the branches with. In Vanilla’s mind, he found the location of the scrape odd, as it was much further up her wing’s length than a simple clipping would cause. She was always pretty aware of her wingspan when flying between trees. He could scarcely recall the last time she did clip, and only remembered her wailing about a single broken feather. Compared to her demeanor now…he grew concerned. He then remembered Cacao’s words to him earlier, and decided to smile. “I’ll go retrieve some alcohol to disinfect this…and then I’ll patch it up with a simple bandage. Then we’ll be done.”
Golden Cheese said nothing, only sighing a bit harshly through her nose.
“It will only sting for a few moments, dear… Alright…” he dabbed a cotton ball with a bit of the acidic liquid. “Try to hold still.”
Within a millisecond of contact, the queen couldn’t hold back a yelp. Sting? It was burning. Her entire body tensed up and she bit down on her knuckles, trying not to think about the last spell he cast on her…”
“Shhshh…okay it’s done. Well done, love.” He patted her knee.
She felt coddled like a child…
She focused her glare on the floor as he gingerly lifted her feathers to place the bandage. Cheese felt like she was seconds away from walking right out before she would throw something.
“And finished…” Vanilla sighed, “It’s a minor scratch…I think you’ll be just fine…perhaps another few days of being grounded just to be sure…” he looked down sadly, “I’m sorry, Little Bird…” The healer could only imagine how disappointed she was…but to his surprise, she finally seemed to relax her body entirely.
“No…I’m sorry…for acting so foolish…like a freshly baked tot…”
“You have nothing to apologize for, love…” He wrapped her in a soft hug, and after a half second, she leaned into his shoulder. “You’ve been through a lot lately… It’s okay to still be on edge, even with me.”
The queen remained quiet, only further burying her face into his shoulder.
“Go on and get some rest… Try to avoid trees for a bit while you get your bearings again, alright?”
“Yeah…sure.”
With one final kiss to her temple, she was sent on her way. Golden Cheese collapsed into her nest, utterly drained and overwhelmed by her successful ruse. Buying time came at a cost…and she wondered if going through that strain was worth the little bit of stalling she had granted herself by bashing her wing against that tree…
It was only a matter of time…time that kept trickling on by…
Why was it when Cheese wanted time to fly…it dragged along like a lazy sugarsnail…and when she wanted more…she only had less. When she wanted to sleep, she lied in bed awake… Cruelly, the inverse of that statement wasn’t true…
It seemed like she’d only blinked and two more days had already passed. Everyone was starting to get ready to pack up and move on to their next adventure.
Golden Cheese was achy and lethargic, sucked dry by her path of dishonesty and too high strung by her tense instincts to fight or fly preventing her from utterly collapsing.
She admitted to herself that she was most definitely not doing well…but self admission was one thing, reaching out was another. For some odd reason, she could think of nothing worse than just letting it all spill out of her jaws.
If she did, suddenly things would dramatically change…
They would coddle her…scold her…cram her between all their bodies and suffocate her… She chocked up all the much more dramatic horrific alternatives in her mind to just that…her feeble and stupid mind…
Her sense of logic and her sense of heart were at war inside her… The facts and evidence were solid…but her worst fears made a swaying and terrifying case.
The even less daunting alternatives start to sound like hell. She can only imagine being dragged back into the nightmare of that disaster…and the very event that drove an invisible wedge between her and her partners.
The world blurs around her… She wasn’t sure how she would cope if it happened again… What would she do? Break down and cry? Rip her wings off and be done with them? Leave…? Hide in a hole and wait until the shoddy seams on her broken heart frayed apart so she would finally expire? Could she even expire that way? She’s far too cowardly to take a more direct approach. Would she drown in misery for the rest of time…until the sun swallowed all of Earthbread…?”
The itching hasn’t quite returned in full but she reaches for her wing anyway…
…and something bumps into it. Her nerves are shot.
Fight or fly…
Her body decides without her input on the former.
She whips around and snarls, baring her sharp teeth in a vile hiss, sharpened nails curled, “DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!”
The fury drops from her form like a stone, almost immediately.
White Lily stared back at her, her body recoiled as the sudden aggressive and visceral reaction had frightened her. Her ruby eyes were wide with shock. The poor mage was immobilized. She seemed like she wanted to say something but her throat had closed up…
Golden Cheese felt a planet sized weight of guilt crush down onto her… Her hands start to tremble. “I…I-I-I’m…” she swallows, shaking her head as she backs up a step, mumbling under her breath. “L-Lily…Lily, I’m sorry…” Her heart rate picks up…the panting starts… “I-I-I did…didn’t mean-“ her already borderline inaudible voice trails off…
Fight or fly…
Golden Cheese panics…and without realizing it…she’s hundreds of feet in the air, in the clear and open sky, having left Lily frozen in place on the ground. Her instincts steer her along as she flies effortlessly to the base of the mountain…swooping into a dark…damp cave…
Tears cascaded down her cheeks as Golden Cheese backed herself into the stone wall, bashing her shoulder blades against it before sinking into a sit, curled up with her arms wrapped around herself.
Everything was going wrong…Everything was wrong…
Her mind reeled at the thought of their faces. Their voices, consumed with anger, perhaps resentment. The images and sounds crushed in on her heart, squeezing it tightly. She could hear her blood pounding in her head and ears.
She wanted it to stop.
She wanted the panic to go away as she curled up in the darkness, breathing fast and heavy. Golden Cheese stared down at her hands as the itching returned to consume her.
She tries pulling downy fluff from her neck and shoulders. It doesn’t stop.
She plucks pin feathers from her hair. It doesn’t stop.
She scratches her arms. It doesn’t stop.
She rakes her claws over her wings. It hurts, but it doesn’t stop.
She wants it to stop, badly.
She’ll do anything to make it end.
White Lily paced in her tent, worry flooding her soul. The sharp piercing gaze on Cheese’s face cut into her, but beneath it all, she could see a hint of fear in those amber irises…but why…?
What did she do wrong?!
She wracked her brain trying to figure out why her girlfriend would lash out like that…so aggressively. What on earth had she touched in the first place? Her arm? Her feathers? Her wings?
Golden Cheese had never acted like this before…but she had assured everyone that she was fine…but she was never really known for her honesty.
The mage felt so stupid…of course things weren’t normal…only time could heal all wounds, both physical and those internal, in the heart and soul…
The only thing she wanted to do was apologize…apologize and promise to do better. She paced the floor more and more. She couldn’t just apologize…no she needed to bring Cheese a peace offering. The Golden Queen loved gifts and offerings of any kind. Maybe she could go pick some flowers…? Maybe cook up another brew of something that was both tasty and relaxing… Cheese never did like the bitter tonic…even if it was the most effective treatment for combating her lack of sleep.
Ultimately, Lily wanted the avian to know that she cared…so so much. She wanted the gift to have a lot of heart and effort mixed in. She opened up her herb chest, poking around to see what she could do…
She decides on a tea with a base of lavender to soothe the soul, but filled with plenty of juicy berries and citrus fruits to create a pleasant and delicious taste. It could work hot or cold. She pours some of the drink into a duo of teacups, and carefully balanced them on a tray as she left her tent to urgently search for the avian.
White Lily poked around camp trying to find her, prodding the others as they cooked by the fire. No one had any idea of where she was. She neglected to mention Cheese’s outburst to them. It was Lily’s hope that the two of them could settle this without getting the others involved.
So she kept looking.
The mage eventually stumbled on the small caves nearby. She wasn’t sure why Cheese would come here, but she could feel the flickers of her soul jam resonating nearby.
White Lily attuned her ears to the reverberations on the stone walls, until she heard the sounds of…what sounded like muttering…or perhaps exertion. Cheese made a lot of interesting sounds, from crooning to full on screeching. She sounded preoccupied more than anything.
White Lily hoped she wouldn’t startle her as she followed the echoes, tea tray in hand.
Plenty of sunlight still streamed in from cracks up above. The mage quietly turned a corner…
…and froze in place at the sight of the feathers littering the floor, the wind current blowing a few outward into the open. The noises continued, and she looked up to see Golden Cheese hunkered on the ground with her back turned, breathing raggedly and twitching erratically. Her eyes widened as she realized the avian’s wings were stained red, and crimson liquid pooled onto the floor. She was digging her fingers deep into her wings, yanking out feathers left and right.
Lily let out a horrified gasp when Cheese tore out a row of converts with her teeth. Her mouth, face, and arms were drenched in still dripping blood.
She dropped the tray, the teacups smashing to pieces against the ground as she covered her own mouth in mortified shock.
Cheese’s eyes went wide at the terrifying sound and she spun around, crouched low and ready to defend herself. She saw Lily standing there, and her entire world crashed down around her at the look in those red ruby eyes.
Her voice nearly chokes entirely, but she raises her trembling sticky hands, her mutilated wings wide and puffed up.
“L-Lily…Lily please…” she whispers.
“W-What the fuck are you doing?!” The mage’s voice is just as hushed.
Cheese’s yellow eyes are wide and glassy, she looks down at her bloody hands again, seeing skin and yellow fluff building up under her nails. “…I-I…Lily, t-this isn’t what it looks like…”
“You’re hurting yourself…” Lily says in horror her shaking voice gaining a sharper edge. “Why are you hurting yourself?!”
“I’m not!” Cheese urges. “Please…I-I’m not, it just doesn’t…it won’t…I-I can’t…” she’s unable to finish the sentence. Her hands raise up and clump hard into her hair, resisting the urge to pull it out too if it meant it would all go away for even just a moment. “Lily…don’t tell them…I’m begging you, please…” Tears run down from her bloodshot eyes, streaking lines into the iron tinged stain on her chin.
White Lily Cookie backs up a step…and then another. She’s starting to cry as well. She grits her teeth hard, her lips tightening as she forces herself to look the avian square in the face and viciously shake her head.
Cheese sees the furrow in her brow, a steely gaze that she can only imagine is filled with shame and disgust.
Lily runs away, vanishing from sight.
…
…
…That’s it…her already broken heart sinks to the pit of her stomach…
…
She’s lost everything…
…
Her knees give out, her body suddenly feeling feint and weak. Liquid fills her vision as she slowly curls up on the floor, tasting copper on her tongue. She forces a shaken breath in and out of her chest. She dips her head down to force her focus to grow dizzy.
The itching lingers in the background, but she is no longer consumed by stress, but rather sorrow.
She glances at her wing…
She’s a mess…
She’s disgusting…
She’s hideous…
Her head rests on the ice cold stone floor.
…She doesn’t want to see the looks on their faces.
…Doesn’t want to hear them shout or scream.
…She doesn’t want to feel them grab at her.
…
…
She hears pounding…clacking and clanging…approaching quickly. They’re sprinting…
Fight or fly…
Freeze.
She lets out a shaky sigh, closing her eyes.
The avian shuts down entirely.
It’s the fastest that any form of sleep has come to her, the world fading out and going black to grant her wishes.
Chaos erupts when they find her.
The next hours all melded together as the soul bond was filled to the brim with anguish, fear, and confusion. None of the four could begin to fathom how or why Cheese had started this secret habit.
In her tent, they found all her previous discarded feathers hidden under her nest. It became more horribly apparent how long this had been happening.
Pure Vanilla tugged at his hair, beating his head with his fists after he did his best to clean up the avian and repair the damage she wrecked upon her own plumage. Sadly, it was more ragged than before, with even more notable patchy spots, now on both wings. He had seen hints of her activity…and he hadn’t done anything to stop it.
Dark Cacao grabbed him by the wrists, pulling him close into a crushing hug as he sobbed at his own inadequacy. The dark king himself was sniffling with sore red eyes.
Hollyberry and White Lily joined them both in the embrace. They all sat on their knees as Golden Cheese’s dormant body laid face down and heavily bandaged on the cot next to them.
“I knew…” Vanilla weeped quietly, “I knew I didn’t do enough for her after she fell…” He buried his forehead in Cacao’s chest.
“That’s a lie…” Dark Cacao whispered, rubbing his lover’s back. “No one in this camp worked harder than you to fix her… I…” he took in a shaky breath. “I was the one who denied your concerns…”
“You thought she was improving…we all did…” White Lily shook in place as Holly shushed her and held her. “I don’t know if none of us were at fault, or if we all are…” The mage let out a light hiccup, “W-Why would she do this…?! Why wouldn’t she tell us she wasn’t okay?!”
The berry queen rocked her gently, her hair now down. “Marigold’s got more pride than any of us combined…she rarely ever opens up about her inner demons…” A tear slipped down her cheek. “When…When I was a young girl…my family took me to the market on the river. There was a seedy man there, selling animals, mostly livestock…but there were other beasts. There…was a bird of some sort…crammed into a tiny, rather ugly, rusted round cage. The little thing only had a single rod to stand on…and no room to stretch its wings. It had little food…smelled terrible…and it was missing nearly all its feathers. Only its head was still feathered, and while they were dull…the plumage was so…so colorful.”
Hollyberry sniffled and rubbed her nose across her forearm. “I felt so sorry for it…but stayed hidden at my father’s heel. I was nervous at the sight of the scabs on its chest and its sad eyes. When we left, I saw it picking at its own skin… I know…we sometimes joke about how Cheese is more bird than cookie…but perhaps there is more to that than we think…”
“The bird you speak of…” Cacao rumbled quietly. “…Was utterly neglected in every sense. Golden Cheese has been eating well…hydrated…has been active, even flying… She isn’t trapped here…”
“What if she hasn’t been flying?” White Lily murmured. “We’ve only seen her do it once ourselves since the incident…” Twice in her case…
“The poor thing did take a while to try after being deemed air worthy.” Holly nodded. “Before she was shot, she fluttered practically everywhere…I’ve never seen her walk so much…I imagine she must be in a bit of pain from working those underutilized muscles…”
“Could…could I have been wrong…?” Vanilla whimpered in Cacao’s shoulder. “What if she was still injured in some way…and just hid it from me?”
Lily shook her head, “No…I also checked her…there’s no reason why she couldn’t physically fly in her healed condition.” The mage tucked her knees up to her chest, hugging them. “She…blew up at me earlier…I didn’t get a chance to mention it before…”
“Whatever for?” Dark Cacao asked with gentle concern.
“I…I don’t know…I think I just bumped into her on accident…She didn’t want to be touched…but I think I was so shocked at how aggressive of a reaction it was that I was stunned silent. Cheese backpedaled and hurried off elsewhere…into that cave.”
The room was quiet for a few moments. “She’s…always been physically sensitive…” Pure Vanilla said with sadness, “Maybe it’s worse than we thought or assumed… Only she would be able to tell us how heightened her senses are…”
They all looked in Cheese’s direction, her eyes still softly closed. “It’s hard to tell…she can be so cuddly, affectionate, and forward…and then other times…not.” Holly murmured.
Pure Vanilla’s eyes looked over Cheese once again, and he dipped his head in sorrow. “Regardless of what has happened…I’m crushed to say that we need to take more precautions with her now…and…I’m not sure if she can be left alone…”
“That’s just going to make her more upset.” White Lily took his hand.
“I know…but my first priority is the health and safety of all of you…That comes before all else…and we must protect her…even from herself…”
Golden Cheese wakes in a daze… Time eludes her… The avian doesn’t remember the last time she woke up from a heavy sleep, since a pin dropping could have her up and alert usually…
The fog of drowsiness clouds her head as she squints up above her. She seems to be in her tent…in her nest…the material’s been washed, since it’s missing her lingering scent and dusting of golden cheese powder.
She feels…constricted…somehow. It doesn’t immediately alarm her until she attempts to reach out to grab at…something…maybe a glass bottle of juice…
She knocks it over…her skin never makes contact. She stretches…feeling even more odd, and she looks down to see…or tries to…
There’s something around her neck…snug and tight, but not enough to cut off her airways. She reaches up to grab it…she’s never liked scarves or turtleneck anythings… but her fingers don’t make contact, they don’t even open.
She started growing more alert. The avian brought her hands up to her face, only to se that both of her forearms had been entirely wrapped in thick bandages. Her palms already started to feel sweaty, she hated it. She attempted to bite at it, returning to her base instincts rather quickly, but her fangs couldn’t find purchase in the stiff mesh material. The seams for the wraps had to be near her elbows…absolutely cruel.
She growled, pawing with her useless hands at the thing on her neck, but it doesn’t budge an inch. The material itself is soft, like satin, but it feels hollow…filled with squishy but densely packed cotton. It’s like a neck pillow…but much smaller. It was impeding her ability to turn or maneuver her skull.
She then came to the foreboding realization…one that made her furious…despaired…and humiliated all at once.
It was a collar. She, queen of splendor, living symbol of the most liberating of freedoms…had been collared like a goddamn dog…
She thrashed and struggled, almost immediately assuming she’d been chained to the ground, but her wings flailed freely, and she rolled over onto her knees.
Only when she stood and looked at the mirror does she see something else. A warm colored glow…emanating from her body.
She stretched her wings, seeing they were pretty densely patched up, but a flexible transparent membrane covered their entire surface area, even threading around her entire torso. It smelled magical in nature…it had Vanilla’s telltale haloing effect.
She tried to touch her feathers with her stump hands, but the membrane stopped her, acting as a barrier.
The avian looked utterly ridiculous…
Her makeup had been cleaned off, she had been changed into a nightgown… and the seam to her tent was sealed, or it was before Hollyberry gingerly stepped through it.
The berry queen was taken aback by the sight of her on her feet. An aura of joy and relief washed over her face, one that was not reciprocated by Golden Cheese’s furious hard glare and puffed up hackles.
“Marigold! You’ve finally woken up! You had us worried sick when you were asleep for so long, but honestly you needed it!”
Cheese bristled, “You really think any of you get to keep using cutesy nicknames?! After this?!” Her wings flared and Holly sunk a smidge.
“Darling…”
“Don’t call me that either!“ she snapped.
“Golden Cheese…” Holly sounded sorrowful having to use a tone that sounded so serious. “You’ve been sleeping for nearly a week now… You have to be thirsty…or hungry. Don’t try to move around so much or you might pass out again. I can retrieve something for you.”
“I can get my own damn sustenance!” She hissed back.
“You have to stay in here.” Holly’s eyes are forlorn at the sight of her, “You’re under a lot of stress…”
Golden Cheese seethed, “So what…this is how it is now? I’m being reduced to a helpless hatchling? Gonna chain me up like a fucking animal?!” Her eyes burned with hurt.
“Don’t you dare let nonsense like that spew from your lips.” Hollyberry grew more firm and serious, pain and sorrow filling her irises. “We’ve given you as much free movement as we could think of while still ensuring you’re safe…”
“I don’t need your fucking protection.” The avian bared her teeth in a growl.
“Even if it’s from your own hand?” The other queen rose her voice, and the statement caused Golden Cheese to flashback to the cave, to her…moment of frenzy. She faltered…the aggressive act dropping a bit, but her feathers still stayed puffed up. She didn’t have a comeback this time.
Hollyberry took a swift, deep breath in, before letting out slowly. “Look…none of us are in the mood for dragging it up right now…but we will talk about it…” She looked her in the eyes, “We will…” The large woman stepped closer to her, hands desperately wanting to reach out, but they stayed firm at her sides. “Cheese…after lying to our faces for nearly two weeks, none of us feel confident that you won’t harm yourself if given the opportunity. We never wanted to do something like this…never…but you really scared us…and…” Her eyes water up a bit as she wipes her mouth and plants her hands softly on her hips. “Baby, we just want to make sure you’re safe… We love you so much…”
Cheese’s feathers start to slowly smooth down, she backs up a step and slowly lowers to her knees in her bedding. She turns her head away as much as the collar will let her.
“We talked for hours…days…about how to ensure you wouldn’t feel trapped…to find a way that would let you keep a semblance of your privacy…” Hollyberry tightened her fists. “I don’t like it…but the alternatives were unacceptable, and were immediately rejected upon speculation. I just want you to know that we tried to think of everything possible that we could reasonably accomplish with our limited resources…”
Golden Cheese’s will to argue was slipping, feeling herself grow consumed by helplessness…hopelessness…and shame. She still had a lot of pride that she clung to with a vice grip. “…You’ve taken away all my agency…I can’t feed myself, groom myself, or attend to any of my duties or private matters like this…”
Holly crouched down to her level, really resisting the sheer temptation to pull and crush the avian in a hug. “Duties are off the table for the foreseeable future…We’d be willing to remove the wraps and the cloud ring, so long as you’re okay with at least one of us watching over you while they’re off…”
“That’s a really funny way to describe a fucking collar.”
“It’s not-“
“It fucking is…don’t humiliate me further. I already feel like a restrained beast…”
“Cheese.” Her hands shot out and the avian flinched at the movement. The Queen’s large hands hovered over her shoulders…and she was really straining as she pulled them away, “I want to make something clear… Not a single one of us thinks less of you for this. You’re hurt…you’re plagued by unpleasant thoughts…it’s clear you’re troubled, but we’re all in the same boat with you. We’re a family, godsdamn it, our souls are bonded to one another for forever more…” she fell to her knees, “…and we’re gonna make sure you make it to the other side of this, ya hear…?”
Golden Cheese looked at her, pale…but unable to let go of the genuine drive in Holly’s passionate tone…and her hands. Her wings tucked back gingerly. “One hug…”
“Huh…”
“One hug…gentle… You look like you’re about to burst, sweet tart…” she said quietly.
Hollyberry didn’t skip a beat, wrapping her warm arms around the avian. She sniffled and nuzzled her as the two girls leaned on each other. “You’re gonna be okay… I love you with every fiber of my being…every single one…”
“I believe it…” the golden queen replied in a whisper. She believed some of it…but not all of it…
“Just please…please talk to us… Whatever you feel…whatever’s haunting you… we can work through it together…”
She only hoped as she took in Holly’s fruit flavored scent, that the others would be okay when her mess proved too much to inevitably handle…
It was only a matter of time…
Cheese didn’t feel like talking for the remainder of the day, even with everyone else talking to her periodically. She just laid with her head in her arms. They were currently unwrapped… she had no intention of pulling her own feathers just for shits and giggles… but so far the itching hadn’t returned…
She could feel everyone’s eyes on her as they redressed her wounds. Pretty soon new pin feather shafts would begin growing. If she wasn’t allowed to groom her wings for next few months, she would have to teach them how to tend to them… She wasn’t really sure it would matter though…the two times she’d flown had been flukes driven by cowardice and survival instinct…
Was there even a point in taking care of them anymore now? They were always such a labor intensive chore. Her beauty used to be her main driving force…but there’d be no getting that back… and she’d lost her will to fly at all…something she used to cherish.
Well…ticks…fleas…mites…a lack of infestations in all three was pretty important. Overall the damn wings were a nuisance that painted a target on her back at nearly every step of her life… They were the most physically sensitive parts of her body. Even now with all four of her lovers, granted exercising more care than usual…were causing her to involuntarily tense with each touch as they attempted to groom her feathers, looking for signs of permanent scarring.
They decided to take a break for the remainder of the night, to allow her time to recuperate and de-stress. They all stayed beside her in her nest on vigilant watch. …She didn’t mind it…even with all the drama.
They had her drink her tonic, key word drink, not just sipping on it. She spent a few minutes dry heaving a bit. She grew drowsy, and they only fell asleep beside her once they could guarantee she was knee deep in REM.
She still had plenty of details that she kept close to her chest…it was the only thing that gave her any sense of control over these new circumstances of hers…but even still she knew…as she was pulled under into a realm of dreams and nightmares…
…It was only a matter of time…