Work Text:
“You know this wasn’t your fault, Carisi.” Amanda Rollins squeezed her partner’s hand as he lay on an ER cot, blood covering his usually crisp, white shirt.
“I tried so hard,” Dominick “Sonny” Carisi replied. “The blood just wouldn’t stop coming.” He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, hands trembling. “The SUV just came out of nowhere.”
“Sonny,” she said. “There is nothing you could have done.”
“It was my job to keep her safe.”
“You’re in shock. You need to take deep breaths.”
“I’m fine, Rollins,” he shot back, but his breath was short and face pale. A gash on his temple had already been cleaned and bandaged, and the doctor was on the verge of releasing him. But first he needed to calm down.
“Let me see if I can help,” a soft voice interjected. An ER nurse stepped into the room and attached an oxygen mask to a tube by the bed. With a practiced hand, she slipped it over his face and lightly rubbed his arm. “Take a deep breath, Mr. Carisi,” she said. “Slow and even.”
Amanda glanced down at her phone and bit her lip as Sonny struggled to follow the nurse’s directions. “I’m going to go try and call his partner again,” Amanda said to the nurse in a low voice. “I don’t know where he is, but he would be the one to get through to Sonny.”
Still rubbing Carisi’s arm and encouraging him to breathe, the nurse nodded over her shoulder to Rollins. “I’m going to give him a little Ativan to calm him down, too,” she said. “The doctor authorized it.”
“I’ll let him know if I get hold of him.” Amanda squeezed Sonny’s hand one last time and pushed through the curtains and into the ER corridor. She tapped a name on her screen and began pacing. “Come on, Barba,” she muttered. “Where are you?”
“Rollins?”
Relief flooded over her when a familiar voice came over the line. “Barba,” she greeted. “Where the hell have you been?”
“Visiting my mother,” he replied. “I forgot my phone in my coat pocket. What’s going on? I have ten missed calls.”
“It’s Carisi,” she replied. “He was in an accident transporting a victim tonight. He’s not seriously hurt—a gash on the forehead, some cracked ribs—but he is a mess. The victim died on scene, even after Sonny tried to save her.”
She heard his sharp intake of breath. “Where is he? Rollins, I’m all the way in the Bronx. I can get a cab instead of taking the train, but it will still take at least an hour.”
“They are ready to release him if he will just calm down,” she said. “I can get him home and meet you there. If I put you on speaker, can you talk to him?”
“Of course, yes,” he replied instantly.
“Hang on.” She re-entered Carisi’s room, pulling the phone away from her ear. “I have his partner on the phone,” she said to the nurse.
Sonny was already looking better, if a bit dazed. “I gave him some Ativan,” the nurse said. “Just a small dose, enough to take the edge off. He seems to be relaxing.”
“Carisi,” Amanda said, stepping to the other side of his bed. “I have Barba.” She tapped the speaker button on her phone. “Barba, you’re on speaker.”
“Sonny?”
“Babe,” he greeted drowsily. “Heeeeeey, where you been?”
Amanda bit back a grin. “They gave him a little something to relax him,” she explained to Barba. “He was going into shock.”
“Sonny, are you okay?” Barba asked. “Rollins said you were in an accident.”
“Yeah,” Carisi replied. “I was transporting a victim. She—she didn’t make it, Rafi. I tried to save her, but—"
“Rollins told me what happened,” Barba replied gently. Amanda had to look away at the achingly tender note in his voice. She felt like she was intruding on a private moment between them. “It wasn’t your fault, Dominick. And I’m sure if I called Liv right now, she would tell me the same thing.”
“Yeah, they both told me that,” Sonny said, breathing slowing to normal. “I still feel guilty.”
“You feel guilty because you’re you, Cariño,” Rafael replied, his voice calm and soothing. “Now, I need you to take some deep breaths and relax, so we can get you out of there.”
“Are you coming to get me?”
“I’m going to take you home, Carisi,” Amanda said.
“I’m all the way out in the Bronx,” Barba explained. “I was visiting my mother. I’m trying to grab a cab now—"
“That’ll cost a fortune, Rafi,” Sonny protested.
“You’re worth it, every penny. Let Rollins bring you home, and I’ll meet you there.”
“Okay,” Sonny answered. “I’m okay, Babe.” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “I’m okay.”
“I’m getting in the cab right now,” Barba said. “I’ll see you soon.”
Amanda took the phone off speaker and stepped away from the bed. “He’s looking better. Calmer, at least.”
“I’ve never heard him so shaken up,” Barba said. “It was bad?”
“She died in his arms,” she replied. “When Liv and I got there, he could barely speak.”
Bara muttered to himself in Spanish. “I’ll be home as soon as I can,” he assured her. “Keep him safe for me.” And with that, he hung up.
***
Though she hadn’t known Carisi in his college days, Amanda was pretty sure she had a good idea of what it would have been like to herd her friend home after a frat party. By the time she shuffled him into the midtown apartment he shared with Barba, she was thoroughly exhausted. The Ativan had done its job and calmed him, but he was drowsy and unsteady. She managed to lead him through the lobby, to the elevator, and then down the hall to his front door. Rollins took the keys from his unsteady hands and shepherded him into the apartment, helping him out of his jacket.
“Okay, Carisi,” she said, hanging up his coat. “Do you need anything?”
“I wanna change clothes,” he said, easing into a wingback chair just inside the living room.
While she was sure he did, as his shirt was still covered in blood, Rollins raised an eyebrow. “Can you honestly say you are capable of doing that right now without kissing the carpet?”
He seemed to consider it. “Yeah, prolly not.”
“Then you’re going to have to wait for your boy toy to show up, because I’m not helping you strip,” she replied. She glanced at her phone. “Speaking of, he should be here any second.”
“Thanks for filling in for him,” Carisi said, sighing. “That’s going above and beyond for a partner.”
Amanda folded her arms over her chest and sat on the edge of their coffee table to face him. “We’re family, Carisi,” she said. “How many times have you rushed over to help me with Jessie?”
He smiled tiredly. “You’re my best friend,” he said simply. “And, lucky for you, I like kids.”
“You’re good with them,” she replied. “Are you and Barba planning to have some one day?”
“No idea,” he shrugged. “It’s not something we’ve talked about. I’ve been focused on my career, and he’s been dealing with—" Carisi cut himself off, wincing.
“Yeah.” Amanda’s voice was soft, remembering the haunted look in Carisi’s eyes during Barba’s arrest and trial. “How’s he doing?”
Sonny sighed. “Still fragile. Tryin’ to figure out what he’s gonna do.”
“Are you okay?”
He nodded slowly. “I worry about him. He still doesn’t like to talk about it, and he seems lost a lot of the time.” He grunted and rubbed his ribs gently. “Leavin’ the DA’s office was like takin’ away his identity, you know? He hasn’t…” Sonny groped for the right word. “…landed on a new path yet.”
“He will,” she assured him, patting his knee. “He’s lucky to have you. You’ll be there to help him, and he’ll find his way again.”
“I hope so,” Sonny said softly.
***
Sonny hadn’t been wrong: the cab from the Bronx to Manhattan was a small fortune. But Rafael gladly paid it when the driver deposited him in front of his building, and tipped him generously for making the trip as quickly as possible.
Though Rollins had assured him repeatedly Sonny was okay, he still had mental images of him lying on the sidewalk spinning through his head. Jaw tight with concern, he almost ran through the lobby and silently urged the elevator to hurry up as it carried him up to their floor. Within seconds, he was unlocking the door and stepping into his apartment.
He found Sonny slumped tiredly in the wingback chair and Rollins perched on the edge of the coffee table. “Hey,” he greeted, eyes filled with concern. He hung his coat next to Sonny’s. “I’m sorry it took so long. We made it as quick as we could—"
“It’s fine,” Amanda assured him. “He’s okay, just a little shaky.”
Rafael crouched next to Sonny’s chair, fingers brushing lightly over the bandage on his forehead. “You’re sure it’s just cracked ribs?”
“Yeah,” Sonny assured him. “They examined me head to toe.”
Sighing with relief, Rafael leaned over and kissed him gently.
Amanda let out a soft cough. “Since you have him,” she said, standing. “I’ll turn him over to you. He wants to change clothes and I told him there is no way in hell I’m helping with that. He’s my partner and all, but I have to draw a line somewhere.” She paused to look at Barba. “He can take over the counter pain relievers if he needs them, and he’s supposed to follow up with his doctor in a few days. The only thing they could find were the ribs, so he should be okay.”
“Thank you so much for getting him home,” Barba said, standing to walk her to the door. He closed his eyes and exhaled. “I can’t believe I forgot my phone—"
“Barba, it’s okay,” she assured him, squeezing his forearm. “You are entitled to be able to spend a day with your mom. It wasn’t a big deal.” She pulled him closer to the door and dropped her voice. “Now that he’s calm, he’s putting on a good face and avoiding talking about it, but losing this victim hit him hard. She’d just escaped an abusive asshole husband, and we were trying to keep her safe.” She glanced back over his shoulder to Sonny. “We think the accident was no accident, and was designed to keep her from getting custody of their kid.”
Rafael’s jaw tightened. “A hit, then.” He shook his head. “Hijo de puta.”
Amanda’s hand had been on the door to leave, but she paused and turned back to him in surprise. “I’ve never heard you use language like that, Barba.”
He grinned innocently and shrugged, cheeks flushing. “Sonny says the more…passionate I get the more prone I am to use such language.”
Hand still on the doorknob, Rollins just stared at him. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that,” she said, and he chuckled. “Bye Carisi,” she called. Shaking her head, she opened the door and left.
“What did you say to my partner?” Carisi asked when he strode back over.
“Just a little language lesson,” he replied mildly, and changed the subject. “Do you need help changing clothes?”
“Yes.” Cautiously, Sonny pushed himself up and out of the chair. “The stuff they gave me to help calm me down worked a little too well.”
With a little assistance, Sonny was soon cleaned up and the bloodstained clothes discarded. He pulled on a clean pair of sleep pants but shook his head dismissively when Rafael offered a shirt. “I’m too tired to do anything but crash,” he admitted, crawling carefully into the bed.
Rafael glanced at the clock. “It’s late,” he acknowledged. “Give me a minute to shut everything down, and I’ll be back.”
When the apartment was appropriately locked up for the night, Rafael brushed his teeth, stripped down to his boxer briefs, and also crawled into bed. Sonny was dozing when he curled against the detective’s back and tucked an arm around him, but he stirred and laced his fingers through Rafael’s.
The older man rested his chin on Sonny’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I was so far away when you needed me,” he said, softly.
Sonny turned and looked up at him. “Rafi, you were just visiting your ma,” he said. “I had Rollins and Liv. I was okay.”
Rafael shook his head. “No, you weren’t. You were panicked and hurting, and I couldn’t reach you.” He pressed his lips to Sonny’s back in a soft kiss. “I let you down.”
Grimacing, Sonny rolled over to face him. “You did not,” he replied firmly. “There is no way you could have known that would happen. There was no way I could have seen it comin’. It was just one of those things.”
Rafael gazed at him. “What was her name?” His voice was quiet.
“Jules Hunter.” Sonny sighed and closed his eyes. “Her husband, Nick, was an abusive dickbag. Threw hot coffee on her, left bruises all over her. They a little girl, Ruby, who is just four. With her mother gone,” Sonny added bitterly, “that little girl will end up with her sorry excuse for a father.”
Rafael smoothed Carisi’s hair back from his forehead. “It’s not your fault.”
“I can still see her laying there on the pavement, Rafael,” he said, eyes closed. “Can still feel her blood. So much blood.” He shuddered. “It was my job to keep her safe.”
“As you said, there is no way you could have seen that coming.” He gently traced a fingertip along the tape over Sonny’s ribs, then trailed them up to brush over the Saint Michael’s medallion he had given him months ago. Silently, he said a prayer of gratitude for his partner’s safety.
Sonny hadn’t missed it. “I’m okay,” he said, softly. “And you did nothing wrong by spending time with your ma.”
“She says hello, by the way,” Rafael said. “And next time I am not to come out there without you.”
He eyed Rafael with a considering gleam. “Do you think she would make that pork?”
Despite himself, Rafael chuckled and kissed him tenderly. “Most likely,” he said softly. “Now, sleep, mi amor.”
Sonny nodded and settled into the pillows, his fingers finding Rafael’s once more. Barba lay there quietly, listening in the dark for the detective’s breathing to slow and deepen, his body relax into restorative sleep.
This would be one of those nights, he thought, when all Sonny saw on the streets would haunt his dreams and have him waking up in the night. It didn’t happen often, and sharing the bed with Rafael seemed to help with the nightmares that sometimes plagued him. But Barba knew that an emotional case was almost sure to set him off, and so he himself would sleep lightly that night. He would be listening for Sonny, ready to curl into him and soothe him when the memories surfaced.
He propped himself up on one elbow and peered down, drinking in the sight of the moonlight on Sonny’s pale face. He would be there, as he had been a hundred times. For all his failures recently, this, he felt, was the one thing he could get right.