Archive of Our Own ^beta

“speaking” : song lyrics

“speaking” : conversation

“Are you all The Muppets?” Jean Pierre Napoleon asked the group of muppets in front of him.

“Er, yeah. Yeah, we are.” Rowlf answered for them all.

“Come come, you must come with us to answer some questions.” Jean then said. He didn’t notice that Sam Eagle beside him was a tad nervous at their new suspect of the crime.

At the Police Station, Interrogation Room…

Sam sighed, better now than later, “Kermit, Let’s begin. Describe the day you played Berlin."

Constantine was ready with an answer. He has done this for so many times, it has become second nature for him, “We rehearsed and then we walked about. We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut.”

Sam was a bit suspicious. He’s one of the Muppets after all, he knew that Kermit was a nervous muppet. This is probably one of his first interrogation, but Sam didn’t hear any hesitation on the frog’s voice. But before he mulled about it further, Jean continued with his question, “That night, at 10:03, were you inside the portrait gallery?” Jean has his suspicions. The Muppets are highly suspicious with how they were on the scene and had performed their show near the gallery, but Jean can’t be careless. He has to lure them in, starting from their leader.

“From 10 o’clock ‘till 10:04 was when we did the show’s encore.” Constantine answered.

Sam didn’t believe him. He was part of the Muppets Shows before, he knew the encore wouldn’t be just 4 minutes. Their members were so wild that their encore would’ve probably lasted 10 minutes if not more. He doubted it, was this frog even Kermit the Frog he knew? “Hm, Frog, we’ve got our doubts. Can you confirm your whereabouts?”

Constantine feign offence on his face, “My alibi is watertight. The audience saw me sing all night.”

“Monsieur, we know you did the crime.” Jean tried to cornered him to confess.

But this is not Kermit. It’s Constantine. He dragged his words a little as if greatly offended, “I was on stage that whole time. Ask who sang Rainbow Connection.” With audience that large, it was a perfect alibi for him.

Jean and Sam looked at each other before saying, “Thank you Kermit. No more questions.”

Constantine gladly walked out of the interrogation room. Miss Piggy was next. She, for the first time probably in her life was nervous. She was never interrogated before. Not like this, “Kermie? What are they asking you?”

Constantine just walked pass by the pig and said, “Just answer truthfully. We have nothing to do with what they want to know.” He left her while Piggy just look more confused than ever.

When she walked in, Jean was immediately impressed with her beauty. He knew what cop strategy he has to use, “Allo, I think it’s time for good cop, romantic cop.” He flipped the table so it will turn into a romantic dinner table. Sam jumped at the suddenness and looked at Jean incredulously. He knew he dislike the man somehow even before they met.

Jean begin the interrogation, “Miss Piggy, you could end up locked inside. Now’s your chance to save your hide.”

Miss Piggy, known with her show flare, answered just like that, “ah, Gentlemen, I did not know, it was a crime to steal the show.” Sam would’ve probably told her if it was a crime. He was part of the Muppets after all, even with his CIA background. He may not show it but Piggy was sure Sam has some soft spot for them.

Sam did have some soft spot for his friends. They were like family. But after their group disbanded and he joined CIA, not to mention they just got regroup and Kermit was acting strangely, Sam has to throw all familiarities out of the window, “Tell us how the art was taken.” He demanded.

“If you want to save your bacon.” Jean added. Sam and Piggy eyed him incredulously. Is he really going to continue on his pig puns?

Piggy tried to stay calm for now, “I haven’t seen your missing art. All I’ve stolen was audience hearts.”

Sam was suspicious of the group with how they conveniently perform their show at the same night as the crime. But knowing The Muppets’ luck, they would’ve probably just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But he can’t give in, not when he’s already frustrated with his work and Jean, “We can give you a plea deal.” Sam said instead. He at least knew Piggy was innocent. She’s as rich as it is, why would she want more by stealing arts that probably wasn’t in her taste anyway?

“All you have to do is squeal.” Jean added again. Sam has to hold in his groan.

Piggy was starting to panic a little, “I’m not a thief! I don’t know how. All I’ve ever taken is a bow.” That, was the truth. Sam knew. Dang it, he knew all of them, even the new member, Walter.

Jean didn’t notice his partner’s inside struggle and continued with his puns, “We’ll catch this swine that did this job,”

Piggy has had enough. If Sam didn’t want to help, then fine, “Give up the pig puns creep! Go jump in a lake, that’s my suggestion.”

That’s more like the Piggy Sam knew when she walked out, “Thank you Piggy, no more questions.” It’s not like she heard them anyway.

Jean was still looking with the goo-goo eyes when they take a break to discuss their findings, “I think she likes me,”

“I don’t think your puns are helping the investigation.” Sam deadpanned. Piggy dislike those puns, especially when they are not from her Frog. She probably let it slide before because she was nervous in the interrogation room, but even then, she blew Jean out not accepting his flirt with her. Sam was proud of her.

“You know.. I think they did it.” Jean said. Sure about his deduction.

Jean was clearly didn’t know about The Muppets and it’s members, because he didn’t questioned Sam’s immediate shock look and his denial, “No, they didn’t.” Sam was sure of it. Even with their craziness, The Muppets was anything but a thief.

“Yes they did and we can pin it.” Jean said confidently.

Sam reluctantly asked, “If they did how did they do it?”

“If they didn’t how did they didn’t?” Jean shot back.

“If they didn’t then it’s easy ‘cuz they simply didn’t do it.” Sam retorted. How stupid can he be?

But Jean ignored the doubt on Sam’s voice, “If they did it then I knew it but we’ve got nothing that can prove it!” then he choked and cleared his throat, “Excuse me,” he heard Sam’s groan but ignore it, he instead said on the mic to his subordinate in the other room, “Bring in the purple guy with the schnoz.”

Gonzo was then taken to the interrogation room. He had saw Piggy looked very frustrated when she was out of the room. What exactly happened in there? Then he saw Sam Eagle. He was about to greet him but Sam quickly asked his first question, “Do you remember what you did? On the night you played Madrid?” Sam had heard about Gonzo’s accident in the show. It was a common thing though, but he has to ask, just to make sure.

“I was hit by a raging bull and rushed off stage to the hospital.” Gonzo said.

“Gonzo, what do you know about the sculpture theft at Madrid’s Prado?” Jean asked then.

“I never saw the stolen busts. Spent the night in bed, concussed.” Gonzo said, emphasizing it by gesturing to his head. Sam has to hold back a smile at the answer but continued sternly while looking at the clock pointedly. They still have more members of The Muppets to interrogate afterall, “The truth Gonzo. The clock is tickin’.”

Gonzo didn’t know why Sam was so agitated, but Gonzo felt a little offended that he didn’t believe him, “If you don’t believe me, ask the chicken. Camilla was there, she’ll cooperate.” She was there. She berated him all night long about how the raging bull was a reckless, suicide, craziest decision he has ever had in the whole while.

Sam was about to object but Jean already called Camilla in and asked the chicken, “Madame, are you willing to corroborate?”

Camilla did and immediately answered, she even added the fact that Kermit is not Kermit, “Bawk bwk begawk, begawk gawk gawk.”

And of course, only Gonzo understands what she’s saying, “Will somebody get this chicken out of here?” Sam asked out loud frustratedly. No one can understand what the chicken says except Gonzo anyway.

Gonzo himself was having a hard time translating Camilla’s accusations about Kermit in his head, “Calm down Camilla. It’s a routine inspection.” He placated her. He knew she was nervous that this is an interrogation, but back when they still doing their plumber business Camilla knew all too well about routine inspection, so Gonzo was hoping she will see the connection between the two.

Jean and Sam just give up, “Thank you Gonzo. No more questions.” Gonzo was left speechless and more confused than ever with a raised eyebrow.

Jean and Sam took a small break after the chicken fiasco and start the interrogation again with the other members, “Let’s go from the start. What do you know about the stolen art?” Jean asked Lew Zealand with a different tactic this time.

Lew was unsure, “Uh.. I didn’t know there was a plan.”

Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem just look at both of them incredulously while sounded amused and offended at the same time, “Your accusation is far out man!” Dr. Teeth said somewhat disappointedly at Sam. But Sam deliberately ignore it. He was trying to help as best as he can, he really do.

With Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, they have no luck either. Bunsen even answered with his calculations, “The chances of us committing a crime are less than .009.” which Sam has to admit was true in some situations.

Swedish Chef was next, by then, Sam knew The Muppets members who were already interrogated and knew Sam was there was doing their revenge because Swedish Chef clearly didn’t speak Swedish when answering them and instead talking about the chicken, “Shern de shern de herf. Sher de chick yen de farney hug.”

Jean didn’t know though, so he was asking someone to translate it, “To help with our investigation, can someone do a full translation?”

Beaker had heard what Swedish Chef had said and took pity on Sam and Jean, “Meenie meenie mini mo, ‘schnoop do schnnop de schnook’ mini mo.” (What the Chef just said to you was “schnoop do schnnop de schnook” it’s not Swedish.)

But again, the only one who can understand what Beaker said was Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and he already had his turn. So they dismissed him.

The next files belong to Animal and the Penguins. Jean figured to just asked them all inside in the same room at the same time since his subordinate begged him to just asked them all now. Jean clearly didn’t anticipate that Animal can only say, “Aaarghh, Aaarghh, Aaarghh, Ahahaha.” While chasing the Penguins, and the Penguins either chew the files or ran away from Animal, “Wank wank wank!”

Crazy Harry just laughed at them and exploded himself.

After many more members come and go the interrogation room, seemingly well bent to make Jean and Sam suffer, Fozzie went inside the room. He was asked the questions, but the bear didn’t understand it. “Uh.. I can do an Elvis impression.” He answered instead.

Sam and Jean were so frustrated they just leave it like that, “Thank you Muppets. No more questions.” Leaving Fozzie there to play with the interrogation lamp, pulling it close and turn it on and off while Jean and Sam discussed it at the next room, “They didn’t.” Jean finally admit.

“No they didn’t.” Sam agreed.

“There’s no way they did the crime!” Jean added.

Sam nodded, “They couldn’t, they’re too stupid.” He apologized to them inside his mind. He added that so Jean won’t be suspicious of his friends again.

And Jean agreed, “They’re not criminal master minds.” Clearly, they are not. If what occurs hours in the interrogation room has any indication for. Even his subordinate was so glad, he was crying in relief when all the Muppets are out of the waiting room.

“We do not know who did it, but we know who didn’t do it.” Sam said.

Jean and Sam finally agreed on something, “So we know who didn’t do it, Yes, we know who didn’t do it!” they’ll take that as an accomplishment somehow.

“They’re incapable of being culpable.” Jean said to Sam when they both saw Fozzie waving at them with his big smile.

“Come on, let’s go over the files again.” Sam and Jean’s job wasn’t done yet, but at least Sam’s friends- his family, are safe for now.

For now….