Work Text:
Ranpo was not a jealous person by nature. Over-confident and maybe a bit egotistical, yes, but rarely ever jealous.
Which is why when jealousy reared it’s green head over a raccoon , of all things, he was ever so slightly annoyed.
He isn’t quite sure why he’s so jealous of Karl. Despite boasting the title of self-proclaimed ‘Greatest Detective,’ he was never really in tune with his own emotions.
So, in order to get to the bottom of this annoying mystery, he knew he’d have to do it the detective way.
《♡》
Fact: Ranpo is jealous of Karl.
First, what was it that Karl did that made him jealous?
Ranpo leaned back in his chair as he thought, counting the bumps in the Agency’s popcorn ceiling.
Well, he was always being fawned over by everyone.
Edgar, of course, spoiled his ‘fur baby’ with pride, sharing anything they had with Karl happily and allowing the raccoon to curl around his neck at any given moment. Kyouka treated the mammal like a cat, dropping him into her lap and stroking his back as he slept. Even Kunikida had given the creature a few pats!
Then, in conclusion, Ranpo was jealous of the attention Karl was getting.
Hypothesis: Ranpo is jealous of the attention Karl is getting.
《♥︎》
Edgar watched in amusement as Ranpo scribbled frantically on a blank sheet of note paper. They were close enough to hear the detective grumble under his breath about ‘ Karl the attention stealer ’ and he found it rather funny that it had taken Edgar being overly affectionate with Karl for Ranpo to finally realize his feelings.
Edgar was a patient person, they could wait for Ranpo to reach the correct conclusion. After all, he’d been waiting for half a year. What was another few hours in the grand scheme of things?
《♡》
Ranpo glared at the sentence he had written like it had personally offended him.
Which, to be fair, it had.
What kind of great detective was jealous of a raccoon, attention-stealer or not? There had to be more to it than that.
He munched on a stick of strawberry-flavored Pocky as he wracked is brain again.
He was jealous of Karl, yes, but he also was rather fond of the little menace. They were partners in crime in getting Edgar to abandon their newest novel and get some much needed sleep, so obviously he couldn’t hate him.
Fact: Ranpo is friends with Karl.
Come to think of it, he really only felt jealous of Karl when he was pampered by Edgar, no?
The detective mentally went over the past week at the Agency, specifically the moments when his jealousy made itself known.
《Monday》
Another week, another set of dumbass police who can’t see the obvious. It was only Monday afternoon, and Ranpo had already solved three laughably easy cases, celebrating internally as the police officers who had doubted him ate their words.
At least he had Edgar with him! Said author was currently hand-feeding Karl bits of his own pastry they’d picked up at the last train station and ranting about his most recent novel.
“Oh, I was also thinking that the main character should have some sort of minor quirk that ends up saving his life,” he was saying as they watched Karl munch on another pastry bit.
Ranpo hummed, leaning against Edgar’s shoulder. “I guess, but how would a minor quirk save his life? Wouldn’t it be better if the quirk was something unusual that he shared with the antagonist?”
“Oh,” Edgar gasped, turning to Ranpo in awe, “And it turns out the antagonist is secretly his long lost brother or something!”
“Exactly!” Ranpo nodded, resolutely ignoring the warmth that filled him at the adoration in Edgar’s gaze.
That was, of course, until Karl let out a little sneeze and reclaimed Edgar’s frantic attention.
“Oh, Karl, are you okay?” He fretted, “You aren’t coming down with a cold, are you? You really must be more careful!”
Ranpo frowned and returned to staring straight ahead at the old lady crotcheting a scarf on the other side of the train car.
《Tuesday》
DIRECT MESSAGES
9:18 AM
[Watson]: I’m really sorry, Ranpo-kun, I can’t come to the ADA today!
[Sherlock]: y tho >:(
[Watson]: Karl has come down with a nasty cold and I’d rather he doesn’t pass it on to you or any of your co-workers.
[Sherlock]: cant u just leave him home alone
[Watson]: Unfortunately not. I’d spend all day worrying about him.
[Watson]: And I’m not very fun to be around when distracted…
[Sherlock]: plssssss
[Sherlock]: ill do anything
[Sherlock]: ill even do all the reports kunikida keeps bothering me abt :(
[Watson]: I’m truly sorry, Ranpo-kun!
[Sherlock]: [donttalk2meimangy.png]
[Watson]: Please don’t be upset, I promise I’ll come tomorrow!
[Sherlock]: u better
[Sherlock]: or else i wont read ur novel >:(
[Watson]: I’ll be there, scout’s honor!
[Sherlock]: ur not even a scout but go off ig
《Wednesday》
“Ed, you came!” Ranpo exclaimed the moment the author had opened the door to the Agency, brown hair looking almost purple under the bright fluorescents.
He threw himself at the younger, squeezing him with strength unbefiting of someone with a sweet tooth as large as his.
Edgar simply smiled, used to the detective’s antics and patted his back only semi-awkwardly. “Of course I did! I promised you, did I not?”
Ranpo grinned, dragging Edgar to his desk and promptly making himself comfortable in the author’s lap.
“I did have to leave Karl with Lucy though, so I won’t be able to stay as long as I normally would,” Edgar said remorsefully, voice slightly muffled by Ranpo’s back.
Ranpo pouted audibly but kept his mouth closed out of sheer restraint and pulled out his Nintendo to show Edgar how he had revamped his island on Animal Crossing.
Unfortunately, Edgar kept true to his word and ended up leaving the Agency a few hours earlier than he normally would’ve, swearing up and down to Ranpo that he would come over later that night ( with Karl , his brain supplied unhelpfully) so they could have an impromptu movie night.
(Later that evening, Ranpo tried not to hiss at Karl when the racoon kept taking Edgar’s attention away from both him and the crummy detective movie playing.)
《Thursday》
DIRECT MESSAGES
6:13 AM
[Watson]: Ranpo-kun, I unfortunately won’t be able to come to the ADA today either.
[Watson]: Lucy isn’t available to look after Karl, and I’ve reserved a vet appointment for him in the afternoon.
[Watson]: on the bright side, I’ll be able to finish my latest draft today and hopefully bring it to you tomorrow!
9:46 AM
[Sherlock]: ugh again???
[Watson]: yes, I’m very sorry Ranpo-kun!
[Sherlock]: my 1st instinct was 2 scold u for being up so early
[Sherlock]: but then I read ur messages
[Sherlock]: n found smth bigger 2 be mad at u abt
[Watson]: I believe this is the correct time to use this image, yes?
[Watson]: [donttestmeillcry.png]
[Sherlock]: omg it is
[Sherlock]: this is monumental I need to show this 2 kuni-kun!!
[Watson]: :D
[Sherlock]: *sniff* they grow up so fast…
[Sherlock]: BUT DONT THINK UR OFF THE HOOK YET EDGAR ALLAN POE
[Sherlock]: I EXPECT MANY MUCH SNACKS TOMORROW TO MAKE UP 4 THIS
[Watson]: [mumpickmeupimscared.png]
[Watson]: only you could make me fear my full name, Ranpo-kun…
《Friday》
Ranpo was never really religious, but he thanked whatever dieties up there that Karl was doing much better by Friday, allowing Edgar to spend the whole day at the Agency.
Karl feeling well again, of course, didn’t stop Edgar from pampering the animal more than usual, but really, what else did Ranpo expect?
(Not Ranpo himself being pampered by Edgar, no siree—)
Since it was Friday, there wasn’t as many cases that needed attending to right away, leaving Ranpo to spend most of the day with his head in Edgar’s lap playing on his Nintendo.
Edgar payed no mind to the detective, only offering the man a Pocky stick every few minutes. Karl, however, seemed resolved to reclaim his spot on Edgar’s lap by any means necessary. At first, the mammal tried to pull Edgar’s attention to him, whining pitifully everytime the writer looked away, but when it became clear that Edgar wouldn’t be moving away from Ranpo, Karl pouted and curled around his neck, tail swinging in annoyance.
Ranpo tried to ignore the sense of accomplishment keeping Edgar’s attention to himself had, but he allowed a victorious smirk to be sent to Karl when Edgar’s head was turned.
《♡》
Well then, one thing that was constant in every scenario was Edgar’s presence.
Fact: Ranpo is only jealous of Karl around Edgar.
What did it all mean, though? Was Ranpo jealous specifically of the attention Karl would get from Edgar? Why would he be jealous of that?
Hypothesis: Ranpo is jealous of the attention Karl gets from Edgar.
Why would Ranpo be jealous of Edgar giving Karl more attention than the brunet would give to him?
Wait, what?
…
Ignoring that thought, maybe Ranpo was jealous because it meant less attention on their rivalry? After all, Edgar is the only person able to give him a challenge.
Opinion: Edgar is almost as smart as Ranpo.
Fact: Ranpo likes smart people very much.
Therefore, Ranpo likes Edgar very much.
Ranpo stared at what he had written, mind running a mile a minute as he tried to decipher what his deduction meant.
“Arghh,” he grumbled, burying his head in his hands. His brain was only running in circles and it was making his head hurt!
A few of his co-workers looked at him in concern but he ignored them and returned his full focus to his rapidly growing list of ever-confusing facts.
Fact: Ranpo has never met anyone close to his intelligence (Dazai does not count, neither does Shachou).
Therefore, by Ranpo’s standards, Edgar is the only smart person he has ever met.
Therefore, Edgar is the only person Ranpo likes very much.
That…that seems about right, doesn’t it? Ranpo indeed has never met anyone who could challenge his wits like Edgar has, so it would only make sense for him to be the only person Ranpo would like as much as Shachou.
But then again, is the type of ‘like’ he feels for the two of them the same? Does he ever get jealous of Shachou’s cats getting more attention than Ranpo? Does he share his sweets with the president when he’s feeling especially generous? Does he get butterflies in his stomach whenever he spends time with his father-figure?
Ranpo let out another groan. He was truly going in circles.
Fact: the ‘like’ Ranpo feels for Shachou and the ‘like’ he feels for Edgar is very different.
Fact: Ranpo likes spending time with Edgar almost more than he likes his sweets.
Fact: Edgar gives Ranpo butterflies.
Butterflies, huh? Where did he even learn that term? Is it like the gut feelings he gets during cases?
Possibility: butterflies are like gut feelings but for a different type of scenario
Fact: butterflies are an Edgar-only thing
Ranpo squinted at his paper. When did he go from contemplating his jealousy of Karl to dissecting the meaning behind the butterflies Edgar gives him?
《♥︎》
And now their beloved Ranpo was grumbling about butterflies.
Maybe Edgar shouldn’t take him to the insect garden they’d discovered for their first date? Ranpo might not enjoy it with how frustrated he seemed to be getting over the pretty things.
Oh, how he wanted to help Ranpo out, maybe just point out one little detail that would help everything else fall into place, but no! They mustn’t! This mystery was one Edgar had already solved, and now it was Ranpo’s turn to reach a conclusion. All he could do for now was offer his silent support.
《♡》
Ranpo flipped the paper over to rewrite the most important deductions he’d made so far.
Fact: Ranpo is jealous of Karl when he gets attention from Edgar.
Fact: Ranpo likes Edgar very much and in a different way than how he likes Shachou.
Fact: Edgar gives Ranpo butterflies, an Edgar-only thing.
Ranpo was as far from stupid as one could get. He knew what ‘love’ was and what ‘relationships’ and being ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ were and how important all three were to some people (Dazai, namely, but only when concerning a certain fancy-hat wearing Port Mafia executive), but in his mind they were about as important as the dust bunnies gathering behind the Agency couch.
And yet.
And yet, all the facts pointed towards him having a so-called ‘crush’ on Edgar.
But that was impossible, right? They were just friends, rivals, nothing more.
But just-friends didn’t want to spend every moment with each other, didn’t share their most beloved possessions with each other. Just-rivals didn’t get jealous when their rivals attention was on something other than them, didn’t let their hugs linger for much, much longer than necessary, didn’t glance at the others lips and wonder how they’d feel against their own…
Oh.
Oh.
Fact: Ranpo has a crush on Edgar.
Ranpo glanced across the room to where Edgar was sketching a weirdly Ranpo-like figure in his sketchbook, feeling strangely stupid for the greatest detective.
Fact: Edgar knows Ranpo has a crush on him.
Possibility: Edgar has a crush on Ranpo as well.
“Alright, that’s it!” Ranpo yelled, standing up and slamming his hands on his cluttered desk, paper full of facts and opinions and hypothesis fluttering to the floor.
The entire office startled, turning towards Ranpo with apprehension (Atsushi, Kyouka, Yosano), confusion (Kenji, Naomi, Junichirou, Kunikida), or a knowing smile (Dazai).
Ranpo pointed at Edgar, the brunet’s eyes widening in mild terror and declared, “Edgar Allan Poe! You, me, the café downstairs, five minutes!”
And then he stalked out the door in determination, ignoring the stunned silence behind him.
—before storming back in and glaring carefully at every wide-eyed face, scowling uncharacteristically. “Do me a favor and don’t start a war while I’m gone,” he squinted at Dazai’s faux-innocent look before stalking out the door. Again.
《◎》
“What the hell was that?” Yosano finally broke the tense silence just seconds after Edgar had frantically packed his pencils and taken off after Ranpo.
Dazai grinned and walked over to Ranpo’s desk, crouching and picking up a paper covered in the detective’s barely legible scribbles.
“ Fact: Ranpo is jealous of Karl when he gets attention from Edgar ,” he read aloud, ignoring Kunikida’s protests about privacy, “ Fact: Ranpo has a crush on Edgar ,” Yosano let out a scandalized gasp heavily contrasted by the delighted smile on her face, “ Possibility: Edgar has a crush on Ranpo as well .”
Yosano nodded, satisfied. “Get your mans, Edo,” she told the half closed door leading out to the hallway resolutely.
Kenji whooped, still mildly confused but ever so supportive of his friends. Kunikida, meanwhile, looked a second away from bursting into tears. Atsushi could relate, honestly. Kyouka continued working, completely used to whatever the hell was going on. She had worked for the Port Mafia, after all!
《♡》
Ranpo stared as Edgar sat across from him. “So.”
“…So?” the writer echoed timidly.
Ranpo scrunched up his nose. “Don’t regress to Guild-era Edgar,” he border-line demanded.
“Okay?” it sounded like more of a question than an assurance but Ranpo relaxed regardless.
“I like you,” Ranpo stated bluntly, fully prepared to list the facts and reasoning behind his claim like he did when writing opinion essays in fourth grade.
Edgar smiled, relieved. “I know.”
Karl chirped irritatedly, as if to say get on with it, you useless gays!
“I like you as well, Ranpo-kun,” Edgar continued, watching in slight awe as a light blush peppered Ranpo’s cheeks.
“I deduced that,” Ranpo informed him.
Edgar’s smile took on a mischievous edge as he tilted his head in faux-innocence. “No, you didn’t. You considered me liking you back a possibility, not a fact.”
Ranpo was a grown man, he didn’t pout.
He did, however, decide to play footsie with Edgar as payback, only for them to cross their legs on the seat with ease.
This time, Ranpo did pout.
“Mean,” he grumbled.
“You like me anyways!” Edgar pointed out happily.
Ranpo couldn’t help but crack a grin at that. “I do.”
After another moment of comfortable silence, Edgar asked, “Would you like to come over for dinner tonight, Ranpo-kun?”
Ranpo hopped off his seat and grabbed Edgar’s hand, lacing their fingers together in the way he’d seen Yosano do with the ginger lady from the Port Mafia and pulling him off his bar stool as well. “Will there be cake?” he asked instead of agreeing immediately, because crush or not, he had a reputation to uphold!
“Of course!” Edgar looked mildly offended.
Ranpo kissed his cheek if only to get that smile he liked so much to return, grin widening at the strawberry color that over-took Edgar’s face in Mach speed.
“Then it’s a date!”
Omake
“I got a boyfriend before you,” Edgar taunted, sticking their tongue out at their ex-colleague.
Lucy glared at him with about as much force as one could while wearing a frilly, pink apron. “Shut it, you recluse. Unlike you, I have yet to find The One, so it doesn’t count.”
Edgar held back an undignified snort. “Whatever happened between you and your weretiger, then?”
“ Apparently ,” Lucy drawled, not looking at all upset, “He’s only into eyebrow-less emos with asthma.”
Edgar didn’t hold back his laughter this time, falling off their chair and barely managing an apology to Karl between wheezes.
Lucy rolled her eyes, a fond smile breaking through her attempt at an exasperated mask. It was nice seeing Edgar so much more expressive now. The author really did deserve happiness.
From its place on the bar counter, Edgar’s phone vibrated, a message notification from a certain ‘Sherlock’ lighting up its screen
>[Sherlock]: do u think t-Rex were ever sad abt having short arms?
Even if that happiness came in the form of an over-hyper raccoon sporting a larger than life personality and a genius detective with the maturity of a five-year-old and a sweet tooth a mile long.
Edgar peaked over the counter at her from his (rightful) place on the floor, a thoughtful look on his pale face. “Say, aren’t you still in contact with Lousia?”
Nope, scratch that. Edgar deserved nothing but the suffering he’s put her through twenty-fold
Lucy jumped over the bar counter, chasing the terrified author with a wet dishrag. “SHUT IT, YA DISCOUNT MIMIKYU!”
“Sorry, I’m sorry!” they wailed, scampering around in an attempt to dodge the Dishrag of Doom, “Karl, stop laughing and help me !”
The accused raccoon just chittered at him in amusement.
“Traitor!”