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Yells are all that could be heard from outside the living room of Wayne's mannor.
Bruce and John were arguing about... What again?
Yeah, it didn't matter, they had been arguing about stupid matters, or at least that's what John thought.
Anything that he did felt wrong to Bruce.
If he expressed his desire to hurt someone that deserved to get hurt, they argued, if he insisted on not going to a therapy session that did not help him at all, they argued, if he tried to hug him and Bruce wasn't in the mood for it, they argued... It was starting to get boring.
He thought he would be happier now that he was out of Arkham and he was working with Batman, and he was, technically, but he still felt like something was wrong.
He ignored it, as he always did, he came to the conclusion that no matter what he did he would never be completely happy, he was just grateful he got to be somewhat happy with Bruce.
And he was closer to that feeling than in any other point of his life, at least of his life that he could remember.
So when the arguments started, he did what he always did, avoid them, like when he was with Harley.
But they weren't the same, when he tried to avoid the arguments with Harley she hurt him, Bruce didn't, no matter how angry he was, the worst thing he could do was yell some not-that-bad things and leave for some hours, then he'd come back and talk, asking for forgiveness for the yelling, and John would also say sorry for whatever he had done.
So he was calm.
But Bruce wasn't calm at all.
John was making lots of progress, he had more control over himself and he barely ever did things he could regret afterwards, he respected boundaries more to, and he seemed to understand the moral code oh the batman... But it was still a work in progress.
And as much as he loved having him as his sidekick - roomate, he still had his "peculiarities".
He liked him, to be honest, he loved him, in a romantic day even, he loved his smile, his voice, his way of acting, his mind, almost everything. He hoped to someday propose him to be his lover.
But he hated his darker side, he hated how obsessive he could be or how violent his ideas could go sometimes, and he hated even more the way he seemed to ignore them or hide them from him, specially when he promised he would tell him.
And that's why they were arguing.
John had blood on his hands, he had beaten up an abuser on the street, this wasn't bad if it wasn't because the abuser did not have any weapon and John had stabbed him more or less twelve times while laughing.
And then, cried when he remembered it, and then fell asleep, and then acted like it was nothing important.
It was driving Bruce crazy, and he couldn't afford that.
BR: "You can't just do that! You should have arrested him!"
John nodded, Bruce hated how he ignored him.
BR: "Are you even listening!?"
John nodded again, he was dissociating, he learned that the best way of not getting hurt during arguments was running away from his mind and just not listen.
Bruce kept walking in circles around the sofa in which the other man was sat.
BR: "You promised me John! That you'd call me before doing anything stupid! Remember?! Why didn't you do it?!"
John suddenly came back to earth.
JO: "I didn't remember it at the moment but now I do".
Bruce felt rage built up inside him.
BR: "That's not enough! You have to remember it, always!"
"Not enough", John repeated to himself.
JO: "It won't happen again"
His tone was monotonous, almost robotic, it was a contrast to his usual silliness.
Although everything seemed like a normal argument that would pass, Bruce knew it wasn't, he could feel it.
He was an undisturbed man, it took a lot to make him lose his nerves, but this was getting above him.
He had lots of internal anger, not against John, but against the world, and he cared a lot about John, like, a lot-lot, so it hurt him to see that no matter how hard he wanted to help him, he just couldn't.
And he knew that sooner or later, words would slip out of his mouth, and maybe John didn't deserve it, or maybe he did, but it didn't matter because it would happen.
BR: "Yes! Yes, it will happen again! And again and again! You don't listen to me and it's almost like you don't want to get help at all!"
Auch, that hurt John, but he nodded, he didn't want to make him more mad, he didn't want him to hurt him like Harley used to do.
JO: "I understand".
And Bruce lost it.
BR: "No you don't! You always wanted someone to take care of you, you wanted a sidekick, a friend, but now you have one and you are not accepting any support! You don't even seem to care about my needs! You just don't care! And you know what?! You know what-"
Bruce stopped, because deep down he knew it wasn't fair, he knew he didn't mean it.
But John wasn't even looking at him... Not even that.
BR: "Maybe it would have been better for both of us if you were still on Arkham! Or with The Pact!"
The bomb exploded.
John could seem distracted, but he was always listening to every single word.
And those words hurt more than any hit he had ever felt.
He looked up at Bruce's face, he seemed as mad as before but at the same time there was a hint of something else... Regret?
Could be, but who cared? Not him, not anymore.
He thought Bruce cared about him, he promised him he would stay with him, no matter what, he told him he didn't cared about his past, that he would treat him right, that they would work together on his mental state, that he would never hurt him.
Bullshit.
John felt tears form on his eyes, but also laughter.
"Stupid, of course they were lies, he would never love you!"
He laughed at himself for being so damm foolish.
He had fallen in love with Bruce, and sometimes he could almost sense a reciprocation, like when Bruce hugged him back, when they spent long days and night together doing anything, when they trained...
But John always suspected it was a stupid fantasy, because he was a mentally ill ex-criminal, and he was a millionaire hero with the greatest personality, and those type of stories never went right.
And again, he assumed long ago he would never manage to achieve happiness.
Bruce looked at him laugh and cry, almost choking, in need of air, pressing his fists.
"What have I done?..." He thought.
It wasn't true, of course things wouldnt have been better with him on Arkham, and even less with him on The Pact, no no no, he would probably be death, on prison, still abused by Harley, maybe he would have even end his own life.
The guilt hit him like a bullet, the problem wasn't what he said, but the implications it had. He basically told him he'd rather have him death than dealing with his issues.
BR: "John I didn't mean to-
He couldn't finish his phrase.
JO: "Shut up!"
He said, stopping his laughter drastically, tho tears could still be seen and his breath was heavy.
JO: "I don't want to hear it! I-I-
Had he ever stood up for himself during an argument? Not that he remembered, this was the first time.
JO: "I'm tired of pretending you care about me! That anyone does! I'm tired of your lack of understanding! I'm tired of pretending I'm not mentally ill! I'm tired of you blaming me for things I can't control!"
He didn't know what he was saying anymore.
JO: "I killed that man! So what!? He was trying to abuse a girl, Bruce! And your first thought isn't "hey, John, good job, you protected her", no! Your first thought is "John is never gonna get better and he'd rather be in the worst fucking asylum in the world"! And you expect me to just accept it! Well, I'm tired of not saying anything!"
He felt more and more tears, desperation growing, he looked at his hands, the blood in them.
JO: "So maybe you are right! Maybe I don't belong here! Maybe I don't belong with you! Maybe you are the hero who'll have a happy ending and I-Im the villain who goes around hurting others!"
He made a pause.
JO: "Maybe I should go back..."
His tone was almost silent, but loud enough for Bruce to hear it.
And, god, he didn't like how that sound.
BR: No! No, John you can't go back, that's not what I meant! You made progress, you are not a villain, you-
But John had left the room.
John remembered how he used to crawl through the streets at night, with messy hair and cracking nerves after doing something he knew he wasn't supposed to do, like rob something or plan a crime.
He hated the feeling, but there was something about it, the same thing that happened with Harley.
It made him feel hurt, it was painful, but it didn't give him expectations, it was direct, like a bullet on the head, it hurts but you know exactly what it's going to happen beforehand.
When Bruce hurt him, it had felt more like a stab on the back, one he didn't expect.
The thing is he'd always get hurt, no matter what he did, so why not let it happen?
It was raining, no, pouring, on Gotham city, that Gotham city he thought he would protect with Batman even after how much pain the city had caused to him.
He wanted to yell, he wanted to let it all go.
He wanted to hurt.
He went to the pact headquarter and opened the door.
If Harley was there she would maybe forgive him, maybe she would go back to what they were, and he would get hurt in any possible way, but he would know it and let it happen, without any search of something better.
But... There was no one there.
It seemed like The Pact didn't exist anymore, or maybe they just changed their location.
It didn't matter, he was alone.
He walked around what he used to call home, remembering all the horrible things they he did and he suffered to.
But he also remembered the good times with Bruce.
There were the fucking tears again, and there was the laugher to, because it happened when he was nervous, but no one understood it, not even Bruce.
To be truthful, not even himself.
Bruce grabbed the car as fast as he could, not even giving poor Alfred some explanation.
He drove to The Pact, from what John had said, he would be there.
He was finding it very hard to concentrate on the road, thoughts came to his mind.
Thoughts of what would be of John if he came back to that lifestyle, to those companies...
Thoughts about how he wouldn't be able to forgive himself for not being patient enough with the man he loved and deserved nothing but happiness, about how if he ended up in a gutter, it would be his fault.
He pressed the accelerator.
John tripped, there was a box with lots of things close to the entrance, he kneeled to search through it.
There was Harley's make-up box, he remembered how occasionally she'd let him grab it to cover bruises, bruises that sometimes were caused by her.
There was a boxing glove, just one, a dirty old one, he assumed it was from Bane, he remembered how he worked hand to hand with Batman, or in other words, Bruce, to catch him. He let out s little laugh, one much more relaxed than the ones from before, now he felt s bit more... Empty?
And there was a gun.
Not any gun, but a gun he remembered being close to use on himself.
He was going to do it when Selina and Bruce entered his house, yeah, he remembered, and they asked him to do something for him, something that had to do with Harley's laptop, it was vivid.
He remembered how at first he thought Bruce was there to check on him, but he wasn't, and he got mad at himself because at the moment he didn't even care, he knew Bruce didn't give a fuck about him and still, he stayed for him and helped him out.
He grabbed the gun.
Bruce entered the headquarter and let out a sight when he saw they were empty, it relieved him, it meant no villain would be there to hurt him or turn him into a criminal again.
But now what? If there was no one there, he had to keep on searching for John, because he had fuck up, and he had to fix it before anything bad happened. Because he loved John too much to let him go.
He was about to turn around and get back to the car, already making a list of the places in which he could be (the asylum, the bar where they used to meet, maybe that ice-cream shop he liked?...).
He heard laugher.
Maniacal laughter, like only someone managed to emit.
He run towards it like it was the most important thing in the whole world, because in fact, it was the most important thing in the whole world.
When he arrived to the exact place in which John was, he had to stay some steps away from him.
BR: "W-what are you doing John?!"
John just laughed even harder, unsure.
BR: "John! J-John put that down!"
John gradually stopped laughing, but kept a big smile on his face.
JO: "What, This?"
He chuckled and moved in circles the gun he was holding against his head.
JO: "Yeah, I don't think so buddy, not this time!"
Anyone would have get scared at the joking tone he had while he said such a thing, but all that mattered for Bruce was John's safety.
He walked some steps closer to him and John got more serious, he pointed the gun towards him.
JO: "Don't dare try to stop me"
Bruce felt some tears run down his face to.
BR: "Please, John, I'm begging you, put that gun down"
He tried to sound calm, he didn't want to scare him.
John felt his heart tremble when he saw the shiny drops on Bruce's eyes.
"But he doesn't care about you, you are only bothering him, he said it himself".
JO: "I can't, Bruce, It's the only way"
Bruce shakes his head.
BR: "It's not, absolutely not"
There was a silence, John had to think about it, maybe, just maybe it was not the only way...
"But that's what you thought last time and look where you are now, back here again".
JO: "What-What do you want from me Bruce?"
It sounded exhausted, he was so tired of going back to the starting point again and again, of trusting someone and getting stabbed in the heart.
He was tired of playing games, he loved games, but not when they ended with him wondering if he actually wanted to keep living.
BR: "What do you mean?"
He was frustrated, because again, he didn't understand what was going on on John's mind.
JO: "What do you want from me?, Why do you act like you care about me and then say you'd rather see me here? Why do you hug me a day and get mad at me for trying the same thing the next one? Why do- why do you tell me I'm the best person you've ever met and to keep being myself and then tell me I need to get fixed right after? Why do you spend time with me and then leave for a whole week without even telling me why? I-I- have to know because of Alfred, Bruce, god damnit! I know you are busy but can't you at least tell me?! And then you act like nothing happened and I-I-I don't-"
Bruce then realized that he had been getting mad at John for not being able to read his mind while not understanding that John wasn't able to read his mind neither.
He loved John, and he thought John knew it, but he didn't always show it, he wanted to be his pair because he did have a crush on him, and maybe it scared him a bit, so he thought he had to compensate, to balance, and when he spent a magnificent day with John, then he leaves with an excuse, and when he hugged John and felt like the best thing on earth, he thought afterwards he had to spend some time without showing affection.
He... Had been an asshole, right?
BR: "I want you to be alive, John, that's what I want from you"
John laughed again.
JO: : "God! Bruce! Just tell me why you are here! Just tell me you feel pity! Or that you want to receive something from me like help or information! Or anything like that!"
Bruce felt his heart break, he thought that?
BR: "I'm being honest John, I'm here for you"
John was so sure about ending his own life, and now he was wondering if it was the right decision.
JO: "It's going to happen again, right? I'll believe you, I'll pass that door with you and after some months you'll get rid of me again, right?"
Bruce took another step towards him, not caring about the gun.
BR: "I promise if you walk pass that door with me you'll never get back here again"
John wasn't sure.
JO: "You said that last time"
And Bruce knew he only had an option, and if he or John was about to die, he'd better confess before it happened.
BR: "But last time I wasn't ready to accept to myself that I was falling in love with you"
John accidently dropped the gun to the floor in surprise.
As soon and Bruce heard the sound of the gun hitting the cold, cement floor, he ran to hug John.
He didn't hug back, he was too confused to even move.
JO: "You- you love me?"
Bruce let go of him.
BR: "Yes"
JO: "Why?"
He was legitimately disoriented, and the way how he had to ask such a question hurt Bruce.
BR: "You are the best person I've ever met, you just make me so happy, happier than I could have ever thought"
John looked at him, tears running down his face.
JO: "But I-I-, you said that-"
BR: "I was mad and scared of my own feelings, what I said back home isn't true, John, I-I- just said it because I was angry"
John remembered how he also sometimes did things out of anger that he later regret.
JO: "It-its ok"
Bruce smiled, still overwhelmed with the fear of losing him.
BR: "John, can we go home? Please"
He wanted to get out of there, bring him somewhere where he could take care of him, heal his mind, make sure he is safe, somewhere that couldn't cause any flashback or intrusive thought.
John nodded.
Bruce started walking, grabbing him by the hand.
JO: "Wait!"
Bruce turned around.
John was still a bit shocked and filled with so many emotions, it was hard to untangle them, still, there could be seen a blush on his face.
JO: "Is it real? T-that you love me? You... You didn't say it just to make me feel better?"
Bruce smiled and got s little closer to him again.
BR: "I promise you it's hundred percent real"
John debated with himself his next move.
JO: "Well, I- I don't get how someone like you can love me, but uh, I love you to, since like, forever!"
He let out s little sad laugh.
JO: "Before, today, I-I- thought you hated me and-"
Bruce kissed him.
A kiss, a kiss from Bruce Wayne, he was getting kissed by batman, he was- he was- he was-
He wrapped his arms around Bruce's neck and felt how Bruce put his hands on his waist.
And he felt happy.
Finally, he felt happy.
When they broke the kiss, they kept their foreheads together.
BR: "Can we please go home?"
John laughed slightly.
JO: "Home?"
He never had a "home", not any that felt like one at least.
BR: "Yes, home"
He felt a chill down his spine, they were whispering.
John nodded and they started going.
On the car he rested his head on Bruce's arm and back in the house they cuddled until they both fell asleep.
They'd have to talk about what they were now and of course about what happened that day, but they had plenty of time to do so, at that moment, they stayed silent, just feels each other.
And again, John was happy.
He still had bad thoughts on his mind, thy came to him from time to time, but they weren't as strong as before, he wasn't alone, he wasn't undeserving of love, he wasn't breakable and definitely he wasn't expendable.
And he knew that if he kept on working he'd manage to be completely happy, someday he'd be, he just knew it.
And most importantly, while he tried to achieve it, he'd be with Bruce.
Because Bruce loved him.
And just that was enough to make John give life another try.