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1 - In the Upside Down
That place is unlike anything Eddie had ever seen in his life. Sure, he has dealt drugs in the most strange places, the darkest alleys one could ever imagine, and in some sketchy houses in the woods or in the middle of nowhere, some places scary enough to have him sealing the deal quicker than he intended to, but this one… there’s something about it that makes Eddie feel his heart in his throat.
As soon as they get out of his trailer, exactly the same as the one he grew up in, but, at the same time, so unfamiliar, Steve turns around. The realisation that they are actually doing it starts settling it. Eddie feels his heart pound in his ears, even if the movement is painfully loud in his chest. He feels like he’s about to drown, and he doesn’t know if it’s because he’s in a parallel dimension with his 15 year old DnD companion, a girl who does band in his school, and Hawkins High’s it couple, or if he’s just about to have a panic attack.
“Hey, guys, listen” Steve begins, his eyes on Dustin, then they jump on Eddie. He doesn’t move them back on Dustin, instead, he looks right into Eddie’s own, and that could just as well be a death sentence in itself, no matter the deadly bats, or the crazy homicidal monster. Had it been a different situation, Eddie would tried to play it off with a flirty joke, but the seriousness of the situation shuts him up.
“If things here start to go south, I mean, at all, you abort” and he looks worried. Like, really, worried, like he cares. Eddie, despite the situation, finds it in himself to pretend he’s included in his worry, because, well, fuck it. The chances of him getting out of that place are slim anyway, so why not indulge in himself for the last time? Plus, Steve is still looking at him. Not Dustin. Him. And Eddie knows how much the dude cares for that kid, because he does too, and that must count for something, right? He’s probably just making sure he knows that if something were to happen to Dustin, he could count his days. But, well. Eddie has always been good at pretending.
“Okay? Draw the attention of the bats. Keep ‘em busy for a minute or two. We’ll take care of Vecna. Don’t try to be cute or be a hero or something. Okay? You guys are just-”
“Decoys” Dustin finishes his sentence for him. “Don’t worry. You can be the hero, Steve”
Eddie thinks Dustin is insane to joke at a time like this. It’s suddenly clear to him that this isn’t the first time for the kid, or for anyone else except for him. Which, by the way, super fucked up, in his book. But that’s just how things go, sometimes you spend your days getting called a dirty queer and a freak while middle schoolers are in parallel words saving your ass from deathly monsters.
Eddie feels like he should say something, at this point. Ease some of Steve’s worry, so he can do his job well and save everyone like the hero he’s bound to be.
“Absolutely, I mean, look at us. We are not heroes” he settles with that. Because it’s true. No one would ever think that Eddie “the freak” Munson and his weird little kid friend could save the world, even if Dustin compensated his reputation with his brain, the way he found out about the lights as a trick to communicate with the Upside Down a clear example. But him? He spent his life running away. He wasn’t cut for the hero role growing up, and certainly the title won’t fit him now, all of a sudden. No, he can settle with being a decoy. The best decoy Steve has ever seen in his life, so maybe they could still be friends after this whole ordeal. If they could even come back, that is. Obviously.
Steve nods. Hints a smile. If God decided to struck him down right then, Eddie would feel content, because Steve Harrington smiled at him at least once. And that was enough, was it not?
As Steve takes some steps towards Robin and Nancy, ready to take down the big bad guy, Eddie decides that it’s not, in fact, enough. He moves on instinct.
Half a step.
“Hey, Steve?”
Everyone’s eyes on him. His big moment. He feels his throat close up, the hair at the back of his neck standing up. His stomach churns, and he forgets what he wants about to say. But then again, was he even about to say anything at all? All he can think of is cupping Steve’s cheeks with his hands and kissing him. Wouldn’t that be nice? His last first kiss, and no more hiding. Then he could kill himself in that strange upside down world, and no one would think much more about him. Just the strange dude who kissed Steve Harrington, finally giving him a valid reason to resent him. Perfect ending for everyone!
“Make him pay” he says, instead. Later, maybe, he might convince himself that was for the hope of surviving. Right now, though, it sounds like cowardice.
Steve nods, again, and Eddie tries his best not to look at his back, getting farther away, for too long. Instead, he turns to Dustin, and it all begins.
It all goes down in a blur. Creating a fence around the trailer so the bats wouldn’t get in. Amping up his guitar, so that the sound would attract every single one of those bastards. Playing the hardest guitar solo of his life, which he learnt in a matter to days, because it seemed like the most important thing at the moment. A real shame that the only ones who get to listen to it are some stupid demonic bats. Getting Dustin back to normal Hawkins and deciding to distract the bats for a little longer. Getting his ass beat by those same bastards, because he isn’t fit to be the hero, just as he said before.
Then, nothing. It feels like an headache coming to an end, like falling asleep after a loud party. So much noise, then nothing at all. Eddie likes that ending for himself. Maybe he wishes he had kissed Harrington, though, if that was how he had to go, but it isn’t like him to be greedy in the face of death.
2 - Getting Taken Care Of
When Eddie opens his eyes again, all he can hear is the rhythmic beat of a heart monitor. He surprises himself when he feels relieved. Alive. Despite everything, despite not running away, he still gets to live another day. He played the hero and lived to tell the tale.
The first person he sees is Dustin, sleeping on a chair next to him. His cheek is red from resting on his fist for too long, but he seems like he’s not going to wake up anytime soon. He tries to move, but pain shoots up from everywhere all at once, and he groans quietly, squeezing his eyes shut, hoping the pain will pass quickly.
The room is silent, other than Dustin’s quiet snores. Outside, Eddie can hear the quiet chattering of the doctors that, if he adds it to the repeated sound from the machine next to him, lulls him back to sleep. Right when his eyelids are about to give up on trying to stay open, the door swings open, and Steve meets his gaze. Steve blinks, his eyebrows knitting, and he looks… mad and relieved at the same time. He’s followed by Robin, Nancy and three kids, one of which he’s sure is Mike Wheeler, while the others he has never seen in his life, but they don’t get to enter, not before Steve marches all the way to his bed and points an accusing finger at him.
“I said-” he starts, anger making his voice shake slightly.
“To abort if anything went south, yeah, yeah. Well, I’m here anyway, aren’t I?”
Steve takes a deep breath in, and he closes his hands in two fists to stop them from shaking. He scoffs, and as he tries his best not to smother him to death himself, based on the look on his face and the way his nostrils dilate as he breaths in sharply, one of the unknown kids gets the attention of a doctor. Because trust Steve Harrington to scold him as soon as he gets up, even before getting him help. Eddie feels light as a feather and he laughs at the absurdity of it all.
The sudden noise makes Dustin stir and blearily open his eyes. As soon as he realises that Eddie is actually staring back at him, his already red eyes get teary and he starts crying. A violent sob rips through him and he shakes with the intensity of it. Eddie doesn’t know for how long he was asleep, but he suddenly feels guilty about not waking sooner.
The kid gets up and moves everyone away with his elbows as he cries, the he hugs him, burying his head in Eddie’s chest.
“Don’t ever do that again, man. Ever, ever again” he hiccups, his voice muffled. Eddie chuckles and pats his head, reassuringly. He wants to hug him back, but that would require way too much movement, so he just lets Dustin hold him as he’s shaken by sobs.
“No worries, man, that’s not on my to-do list, for now” he says when Dustin sniffles and raises his head to look at Eddie’s face.
“Good, and it better never be on it, because I want to take care of you at the hospice when you’ll be in your 80’s. And I need someone to keep Steve company when he’ll be old and cranky because he’s single” he sniffles again, using the sleeve of his shirt to dry his cheeks. Steve looks around at the others, silently asking them if they're hearing that as well, vaguely offended, then scoffs and ruffles Dustin's hair.
“I’ll let it slide because you’re crying every drop of water you have in you, Henderson. Now go get yourself something to drink, mh?” he tells him, and Dustin nods. Mike wraps one arm around his shoulders and guides him out.
Steve then gives Robin a look, silently telling her to get the others out. Eddie would feel flattered to know that the Steve Harrington is interested in talking to him, but the uncomfortable constant pain he’s in is draining his sense of humor too. So he just lets his eyes wander on the white ceiling, staring at the bright lights right above his bed.
The two of them stand there, in silence, for what feels like an eternity. Steve starts talking right when Eddie begins to see bright spots in different shapes everytime he blinks.
“Are you trying to make yourself go blind? We already have Max to worry about, stop looking at the lights” he says, and it’s so unlike everything Eddie could’ve ever imagined that it stuns him into looking right in Steve’s eyes. Then it clicks.
“Red is… blind?” he asks, feeling his throat close up all of a sudden. He almost died to help those kids as much as he could and, not only he didn’t put up much of a fight, he even failed at keeping them safe. “The Sinclairs…they’re…?” he immediately follows his initial question. Steve looks at him, with something that looks a bit like pity and a bit like sadness. For a second, Eddie fears his next words.
“The Sinclairs are fine. Well, physically speaking. I think no one feels worse than Lucas right now, emotionally. And Max…” he pauses and grimaces, not looking at Eddie, which makes his mouth feel funny, as his heart drops to his stomach. “She made it, and that’s what matters” he concludes.
Eddie nods, the lump in his throat tightening. That does nothing to make him feel better. He can’t help but think that, maybe if he had acted just a few seconds before, or if he died, those kids wouldn’t be in this situation. Realistically, he knows there is nothing he could’ve done differently that would’ve saved Max from getting hurt, but he can’t seem to stop his thoughts from going there.
He notices his jaw hurting from it being so tightly closed only when Steve cups his face with one hand. Eddie lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in and looks up at him, his mouth slightly open, like he wants to say something. As if he could even have anything to say, other than reaching for Steve’s collar and kissing him.
But that’s silly, because Steve is probably just worried and tired, so he only looks at him, with the most pathetic look ever, he’s sure. And Steve holds his gaze, even offering him a little smile. It comforts Eddie more than he would like to admit.
“You all made it, Munson. All of you. That’s what matters, alright? We can think about the rest later” Steve caresses his cheek, then, as if he’s suddenly aware of what he’s doing, he lets go, and Eddie has to pretend he doesn’t miss his touch. Steve sits on the chair Dustin was sleeping in just a few moments before, and opens a magazine, smiling one last time towards Eddie.
“Sleep a little more, if you can. Who knows how long we can rest like this before that motherfucker comes back for more”
It should be terrifying. It should make Eddie want to curl up and cry and beg them to just leave him there and keep on being heroes without him, which he found out isn’t cut for him at all. But he feels content in knowing there’s Steve next to him, that he’s part of a group who will watch his back in the eventuality that something does come back.
So he just closes his eyes, concentrating on the little noises around him. Steve’s breathing next to him, him turning the pages. The kids talking outside, Robin keeping them from entering, telling them about how it would be better for Eddie if just a few people visited at a time. Dustin complains, and Eddie feels a smile tugging at his lips, despite it all.
As he lets himself lose to sleep, he faintly feels Steve’s gaze on him, just a second, before he falls into a dreamless nap, made of faint pain and a couple of tears, quickly swiped away by one careful calloused hand.
3 - Over Scrambled Eggs
His stay at the hospital is everything but enjoyable, since he isn’t allowed to move from his room, lest someone jumps him in the corridors and finishes those bats’ job. Dustin and the other kids visit him often, though, and that helps him survive through the boring days that seem endless. He also gets to meet the two mystery kids, Will and Eleven. The first is so polite it actually fucking hurts Eddie. His kindness so obviously bleeds through his every action and through every word, and Eddie wonders how could a kid so young deal with being so selfless. The girl, instead, is… well, Eddie doesn’t exactly know how to describe her. Everyone talks about her like she’s some kind of superhuman, but all he sees is a scrawny little girl. Maybe he’s the strange one, but all the other adults have the exact same look on their face, so maybe it’s just general knowledge how fucked up it is for her to live like that, they just can’t do anything about it. She is useful, afterall.
One painfully long month later, though, Eddie finally gets to set foot out the hospital. The doctors, in fact, let Eddie go on the condition that he will rest and be kept under control at all times. He gladly takes on that offer, fuck that hospital, he thinks.
His main problem is that he can’t return to his uncle’s trailer, something about the government taking it under their control and making his uncle leave with the promise that they will surely find him somewhere else to live.
“You could, you know, stay with me” Steve brings up that possibility some days before he gets discharged. “It gets lonely” he quickly explains, when Eddie tilts his head and looks at him like he just grew a second head. And Eddie knows he’s just setting himself up for disappointment, but who is he to complain? If Steve Harrington wants him to sleep in his house, for an indefinite amount of time, he’d sleep at his house. He's got a crush on the dude but he's not stupid.
So, one morning, Steve covers him up with his hoodie, since the whole town still believes he’s missing, and the thought makes Eddie feel light as a feather as he runs to Steve’s Beemer, with Steve’s hand on his back and his soft laughter so close to his ear. The whole town wants him dead, believes him to be so, but he’s acting like a kid with Steve Harrington of all people, and it feels more liberating than it should.
But just like the end of the honeymoon phase, adjusting to living together turns out to be hell, for both of them. No matter how many years Eddie spent knowing he’s attracted to men, he never lived in the same house as one of them, much less the one of the most attractive guys in Hawkins, on who he has been crushing on since middle fucking school. And, well, Steve is also not into guys, like, at all, so he also has to not make it strange. For both of them.
The first thing Eddie notices, after living there for a couple of days, is that the house itself feels empty. Lonely. He doesn’t know what is it, that makes him shiver at night, when the silence seems ten times louder, maybe it’s the total absence of pictures of the Harrington family, or maybe the shadows that the pool’s reflection casts on the white empty walls, but it doesn’t quite matter as much as the knowledge that Eddie hates the idea of Steve having lived like that for, like, all his life.
Steve has trouble adjusting in the sense that he doesn’t expect Eddie to be this loud. He walks in the house like he has lived there all the time, he listens to his loud metal music that Steve really can’t ignore and plays with the guitar that Steve stole from his father’s study with his feet in the pool. Eddie does all of this deliberately, because he’s good at putting on a show. And if a show is what it takes to make Steve a little less lonely, then he’ll do just that.
Eddie has trouble adjusting in the sense that Steve is everything he’s not. He wakes up early in the morning and, obviously not used to having someone in the house with him, he’s so unintentionally noisy. Eddie can’t sleep, the first days, so when he suddenly gets woken up by Steve’s loud steps on the stairs, he almost considers the idea of smothering him to death. Steve is a sporty person, so he gets up early every morning, goes out to run for an hour or two, then gets back, and somehow it’s still early morning, but he gets in the shower and sings like he’s on tour in front of thousands of people. And, really, Eddie would take time to find a way to enjoy it, but it’s pretty hard to do when you’re running on three hours of sleep and a dream.
Despite everything, though, Eddie is happy to be there. Steve often invites the kids, so that they can talk about their next move, or just spend some time together, and he’s also, surprisingly, very enjoyable to be around. And, judging, by Steve’s behaviour in his regards, he also finds him nice.
After a couple of weeks, the two of them have finally settled into a routine that works for the both of them, and Steve, with the excuse that Eddie has to rest, starts making him breakfast. Therefore, Eddie woke up every morning to the pleasant smell of coffee and whatever Steve feels like making that morning.
Eddie sits down on the stool near the kitchen island, his chin propped up on his fist, following Steve’s back as he moves around, looking for cups, pans and plates. It’s quiet, and Eddie feels more relaxed than ever. It feels surreal, to share moments like these when he literally almost died just a couple of weeks before.
Steve turns around to give him his cup of coffee, and their eyes meet. Eddie finds something different in them, tenderness, he’d like to say, but he knows better than to set his hopes too high up. Steve is probably still feeling guilty, or worried about him. That might be true, but there’s no way the Steve Harrington, the same guy who snickered everytime someone who made a joke about him, or that didn’t even spare him a glance when Tommy H slammed him against the lockers, could ever feel anything but maybe tolerance towards him. He tries to remember that but, admittingly, it’s rather hard when he can count the freckles on his nose because of how close he is.
“Thank you, darling” he jokes, derailing his thoughts before he does or says something stupid, taking the cup from Steve’s hands and hoping to God that Steve hasn’t noticed the way too long silence that fell as he stared at him. He rolls his eyes, dismissing him with a laugh, and Eddie hides his smile behind the cup, taking a sip.
Silence falls again, but Eddie wants to make the most of the time he gets to spend with Steve, since he’s back to working at Family Video.
“What’s for breakfast?” he asks, while Steve opens a cupboard and takes out two plates.
“Eggs. Made ‘em scrambled because I know you like them” Steve replies, absent mindedly.
Eddie feels his chest tighten, and he grips the cup so tightly he’s afraid he’ll break it. It’s such a small thing, he could easily dismiss it as an act of kindness because Steve is a kind person. But no one ever made him something he liked, except his uncle when he was a kid. As he grew older, he came to the conclusion that no one would ever prepare him his favourite foods anymore.
He watches as Steve lifts the pan and moves the eggs onto the plate, and tries his best to look normal when he reaches his hand out to take it.
Steve sits in front of him, watching him eat, and Eddie stares holes into the table to stop him from saying something dumb like “Kiss me stupid”.
He can almost picture it, leaning across the table, leaving just a peck on Steve’s lips. Something small and sweet, like the gesture of making him breakfast. Instead, he chews on his eggs and says something about how good they are, even if he actually can’t even taste them, too busy trying to make his chest hurt less.
4 - Singing to Each Other
The sun is setting, its softening light reflecting on the water of the pool. Eddie watches as Steve resurfaces and slicks his hair back, as the sun hits his arms. He truly is mesmerising, he thinks, before he’s drenched in water. Eddie blinks a couple times, his hair dripping water on his nose and bare shoulders, before he kicks his feet and drenches Steve as well. Payback or whatever.
He laughs loudly, making Eddie explode with laughter as well.
May is coming to an end, and the sun isn’t getting any kinder, growing hotter and hotter with each day that passes. The two guys spend their days either lying on the floor or sleeping, but that day Steve decided to be by the pool. In the morning, Robin and Nancy came along as well, but they left before dinner. Eddie and Steve skipped the meal altogether, just lazily hanging around the pool and taking pleasure in the coldness of the water.
Eddie quit swimming a couple minutes before, opting to sit on the edge of the pool, kicking his feet from time to time.
“Hungry?” Steve asks, crossing his arms on the edge, next to Eddie. He gives it a thought, then nods.
“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind eating something. Keeping up with you is though, big boy” he says, not hiding the indecent smile at the double meaning. Steve rolls his eyes and splashes him for good measure.
“Shut up. What were you thinking, we could order something like-”
“If you want pizza, Harrington, just say so”
“You really understand me, Munson”
Eddie chuckles, getting up and trying his damn best not to look at Steve as he gets out of the pool, drops of water rolling down his chest and legs and- Eddie whips his head around, closing his eyes. What the fuck is wrong with him. Jesus Christ.
“Then, I’ll go make the call. You can stay here if you want, I’ll come back with some drinks, alright?” Eddie nods, still not looking at Steve. He sits on a plastic chair, looking up at the sun, ever so slowly setting on the horizon.
“Hey, Steve?” he calls out. When he sees him peeping his head out of the door, a towel around his neck, Eddie wishes so badly he could get up and just pull him into a kiss.
“Get the guitar” he says instead.
Steve gives him a thumbs up before disappearing again into the house.
After ordering their dinner, Steve brings the guitar, and Eddie starts playing with the strings, pinching them rhythmically, trying to decide what hes should play.
Steve sits on the ground next to him, his chin propped on his palm. Eddie suddenly feels the weight of the world on his shoulders, as Steve looksat him, expectant.
“Do you ever play something that’s not… metal?” Steve asks, “Not that it’s bad! I mean, I was just curious… nevermind” he blabbers, looking everywhere but at Eddie. He snorts, shaking his head.
“Yeah, I can play whatever, darling, just ask” he replies, deciding to put Steve out of his misery and leaning down to look at him, who pushes his face away playfully.
“Do a love song, then” he says, and it sounds like a challenge. “Surprise me, Munson”
Eddie lets his eyes wander around Steve’s face. He takes time to notice the freckles on his nose, which increased after spending the entire day out in the sun. The way he looks at him, waiting for him to start. There’s something Eddie would like to hear, a desperate wish that he knows he won’t obtain. So he plays it himself, because it’s funny, because he can play it off as a joke, and because the sun most definitely melted his brain enough to make him a little more daring.
“Can you sing, Harrington?” he asks, as he plays the first notes, his hands skillful on the guitar’s fretboard. Steve looks right at him, taking in the melody.
“I can’t, actually” he says, before singing tentatively to the lyrics. Eddie didn’t expect him to lie, because the guy quite obviously takes pleasure in singing ABBA in the shower at ungodly hours. He scoffs, but doesn’t interrupt him.
Steve lets his eyes meet Eddie’s. The latter feels his whole world crumble beneath him, as Steve sings, looking straight at him.
“Eddie, my love, I love you so-” Steve starts, dragging the ‘o’, and leaning closer to Eddie’s face, making his stomach turn. He laughs to play it off, and Steve’s voice gets shaky from the effort of not laughing. Somewhere in the middle of the song, Eddie starts singing along to Steve, and by the end of it, the two of them are smiling so much their cheeks hurt.
“Cheeky song choice, Munson” Steve says after clearing his throat.
“You asked for a love song, Harrington”
“Incredibly self centered of you to not play a love song <em>for me<em>” Steve jokes, and Eddie slightly pushes his arm.
“Go ask some of your girlfriends for that man, jeez”
Steve’s face scrunches up, as he’s seemingly deep in thought.
“Aren’t you one of my girlfriends, though?”
Eddie definitely isn’t gonna survive that game. He looks at Steve rather helplessly, and he's met with laughter. Because why wouldn’t he, right? It was a joke after all. He isn’t a girl and Steve won’t ever fancy him in any way, and no amount of shared little moments will ever change that.
The bell rings, Steve gets up, leaves Eddie clutching the guitar’s neck so tightly his knuckles turn white.
5 - In The Dark
All Eddie can think about is his heart beating loudly against his ribcage, like a caged animal desperately trying to escape. His breath is short and he can’t breath in fully without feeling like he’s about to die. In front of him, in the dark, there’s Chrissy.
She’s smiling, he notices, and it looks so real he almost thinks she’s really there. Like she didn’t die in front of him. In the darkness of the scene, he allows himself to be relieved. He reaches out a hand, calling her name, but she turns around and runs. Eddie can’t make his own legs move, no matter how hard he tries to follow her. He feels the hair on his neck raise, he feels in danger, but he can’t move anymore. He struggles, but his feet seem glued to the floor which, he now notices, he can’t see. It’s dark all around him, and he feels as if he’s floating and he’s planted on the ground at the same time.
Suddenly, the scene changes. He can see around him and he’s in the Upside Down. Next to him, on the ground, there’s Henderson, dressed just like the day he tried to sacrifice himself.
Eddie lets himself fall next to him and shakes his body.
“Henderson? Dustin!” he calls, shakes the body below him, but the teen doesn’t reply. He just then notices the unnatural angle of his arms and legs, and the blood around his eyes. He feels his throat close up, and he finds it hard to breathe. His throat spasm like he’s about to throw up. He looks around, muttering something about needing help under his breath. He doesn’t even know what he’s saying, as he gets up and runs around, desperately looking for someone. But he’s alone. There’s just him and Dustin's cold corpse.
The scene changes, again, and now he’s in his trailer, Chrissy looking around. He tries to warn her, to just get the hell out, or to tell him her favourite song. Chrissy tilts her head, smiling. Then she’s on the ceiling, bones cracking and eyes being sucked into her skull. Eddie feels his chest unbelievably tight, and he thinks he might die right there.
“Munson!” he hears, and in the panicked state he’s in, it feels threatening. He looks around, covering his face with his hands.
He hears someone calling him again. He feels the tears in his eyes, and covers his ears.
“Eddie!”
He jumps up, gripping the covers and gasping. Steve is next to him, a knee on the bed and both his hands on his shoulders. Eddie looks at him, confused, then takes a look around the room. He’s in bed. It’s Steve’s guest room.
Suddenly, panic floods in, his brain still not fully realising where he is.
“Dustin-” he says, heartbeat picking up again, the air barely making it to his lungs. Steve pushes him down, knitting his brows so tightly Eddie is afraid his forehead might split in two.
“What about him?” Steve says, his voice unbelievably soft. He looks tired, and Eddie finally realises what happened. He inhales sharply, still having trouble delivering air to his lungs.
“Nothing… nothing, man. Bad dream. Did I wake you? Sorry” he says, rubbing his eyes. He’s suddenly aware of how tired he is. He still doesn’t know if it’s because of the lack of sleep or the recurrence of the nightmares, which seemed to grow worse everytime.
“Bad dream? Munson, I thought you were about to hyperventilate and die” Steve scoffs, and Eddie thinks he can hear genuine concern in his voice. His brain, still recovering from the high of the panic he was just in, finds comfort in the knowledge that Steve would care if he died.
Eddie tries to smile, hoping to reassure him. It doesn’t work, and the crease between Steve’s eyebrows deepens.
“Eddie…” he starts, voice still so soft it makes Eddie want to cry. Steve’s hands are still on his shoulders, as if Steve is worried he might break if he lets him go. Which, Eddie thinks, is very probable, considering everything.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Steve says, body relaxing ever so slightly now that Eddie is breathing normally again, but his arms don’t move. Eddie looks down. Does he want to talk about it? Does he want to tell Steve Harrington that the guilt he feels is eating him alive, that he feels like there’s something buried deep in his brain, that just lies in wait for him to let his guard down, so it can kill him from the inside? Does he want to admit to Steve Harrington that he wishes he had died in the Upside Down, just so he wouldn’t be dealing with the guilt of surviving?
“We don’t have to, if you don’t feel like it. It’s just… it helps, sometimes. Talking, I mean. Or, at least, it helped me, back when I learned all about… this” Steve vaguely gestures towards the floor, as if the Upside Down was right below them. It made sense, actually, but thinking like that made Eddie feel nauseous.
“And with who did you talk about all of this? A therapist?” Eddie scoffs. Steve attempts a smile.
“If you want to call Jonathan Byers and Henderson “therapists”, sure. I talked to a therapist” Eddie looks at him. He’s gonna be honest with Steve fucking Harrington. Vulnerable. He almost wants to laugh at the absurdity of it all, but the way Steve is looking at him is making him believe it’s actually a good idea.
He sighs and covers his face with his hands. Steve lets his hands fall from his shoulders, and Eddie misses the touch.
“It’s just… I don’t even know, man” he laughs, mostly at himself. He looks at his hands and starts playing with the covers pooling on his lap.
“Everytime I think I got better there’s… something that catches up to me, no matter how far I run. I don’t know what it is, guilt, regret, shame, whatever, you know? Maybe it’s everything all at once, running after me and waiting for me to trip so they can eat me alive. I go to sleep everynight with my heart in my throat because I don’t want to close my eyes and see everything I push to the back of my silly little fucking brain all day long. Sometimes I…” he stops, swallows hard and pushes back the tears that threaten to spill out as he lets his head wrap around the idea.
“Sometimes I think I’d preferred if you guys just let Jason find me so he could have kill me. Some other times I wake up and wish I had died back there in that place. And I know I should be grateful to be alive and tell the tale or, well, not tell it, be it ever that the government finds out and shoots a hole through my brain, you know?” he laughs bitterly at that. Wouldn’t it be nice, he thinks.
“Point is, I’m tired of dreaming of people dying. Everyday it’s someone new, Henderson, Red, Sinclair, Robin… I fear the day I’ll dream of someone dying and it’ll push me so over the edge I’ll actually wake up and kill myself for good” he says, and he’s sure he talked way too fast, but Steve is looking at him with something in his eyes that tells him he listened to every single word. After saying it all, he doesn’t feel better, but he does feel lighter, like he’s Atlas holding the sky and someone knelt beside him and is now shouldering the weight with him.
Steve is silent for a second too long, and Eddie fears he scared him off. He’s ready to play it all off, or just say he’s tired and he’s going back to sleep, but then he’s pulled in a hug, Steve placing a hand behind his head, gently pushing his face in the crook of his neck. Eddie inhales, taken by surprise, and he feels a thousand emotions catching up to him, so he hugs Steve back, his arms wrapping around the other man so tightly Steve grunts lightly. He doesn’t let go, though, and just holds him as Eddie closes his eyes and finally lets himself go, hot tears staining Steve’s shirt.
“It’s okay, it’s okay” he hears Steve say, as his hand cards through his hair, gently as to not pull on any knot that might have formed during the night. “I got you” he adds, whispers, and Eddie feels like dying for a whole other reason now.
When he let’s Steve go, after crying probably a year worth of tears, Steve doesn’t move too far away. He keeps their faces so close Eddie can feel his breath, and he allows himself to look down at his lips. He’s too close, he concludes, and tries to move back, but Steve’s hand on his back pulls him right back in.
“Eddie” he starts, voice right above a whisper. “I’m so glad you survived. Everyone in the party is glad you survived. Your bandmates, as far as I’m concerned, are happy you made it out, even if they don’t know what happened. God, your uncle calls ten thousand times a day just to hear your voice. Dustin held you as you were falling unconscious and slept right beside your hospital bed for three days, Eddie. Three. When you woke up he wouldn’t shut up about it, he talked everyone’s ears off just because he couldn’t believe you were up. Max, and you know how bad Max got it at the hospital, couldn’t eat well until we told her you were up. Do you know what she did as soon as Dustin ran into her room, the day you woke up?” Eddie shakes his head, his eyes fixed on Steve’s.
“She cried into her bowl of white rice. She cried and she laughed. Lucas too. Erica, and promise me you’ll keep this to yourself or she’ll skin me alive next time she sees me, she sat by your bed before you woke up and read her new DnD ideas to you. She would ask you your opinion. When you woke up, she fell asleep just because she couldn’t close her eyes at all while you were unconscious. All of this to say, well. People care. And well, I can’t say it ever gets easier. I go to sleep and dream about getting Barb home, and it’s been three years. Sometimes I dream about Robin or Nancy dying at the bottom of my pool, or at the Mall, instead of Billy Hargrove. Feeling guilty will never go away, but it’s not your fault, Eddie. It wasn’t your fault that night in the van and it will never be. So don’t ever think about… those things again, understood?” he grabs his face as he says that, seeing the way Eddie’s eyes shifted. Eddie feels his breath hitch, the closeness and the intimacy of the touch getting to his brain.
“Understood, Eddie?” he nods.
“Good. Because we care about you. I care. If you ended up dead after all the effort to get your ass through that portal I’d never let you rest in peace. I’m talking daily visits to your grave just to complain about Dustin”
Eddie laughs at that. It’s such a sincere sound, clear and loud against the silence of the night, that it surprises even him. “Steve Harrington visiting my grave everyday? That’s a privilege, actually, I might have to take on your offer” he jokes.
“Well, then I’ll never come and just send Dustin. I’ll tell him to complain about everything for me”
“Now, that sounds less appealing”
“Better keep your heart beating, then, Munson” Eddie nods, slightly smiling.
"Alright" he says. "I can do that"
Steve beams at him and lets his face go, and pushes on his chest to make him lie down. Then he lies down next to him, resting his head on his bent forearm.
“Now, try to sleep a bit, we still have a few hours” he says. Eddie lets his eyes wander on Steve’s face. He notices he has a mole on his jaw, and he wonders how it would feel to kiss every single mole on the other’s face. He lets his eyes fall on Steve’s lips for the second time that night, and feels a pull at his heart.
“Thank you, Steve” he says, shutting his eyes before he loses all of his self control. Steve lightly chuckles next to him, then tiredness got the better of him, and he feels himself falling asleep again.
6 - The One Time Steve Kissed Him
When the doctors finally tell Susan Hargrove her daughter can be dismissed, with the usual advice of making sure she rests and to call them if she gets worse, the other kids are quick to run to tell everyone.
So that’s how Steve finds himself sitting on the couch in the Wheelers’ basement, knee touching Eddie’s on one side and Robin’s on the other. The three of them are sandwiched between Dustin and Erica, who are talking to each other from opposite ends of the couch.
“I’m just saying, you should’ve just went for a protection spell there! You almost got us all killed!” Erica is saying, and Dustin lets out an exasperated sigh for what feels like the millionth time in the span of five minutes.
“What are they even saying” he mutters under his breath, and Eddie laughs.
“Thursday we had a little DnD session. Dustin wanted to be the hero and attacked the-” he looks like he’s about to say something, but a look at Steve makes him shake his head. “The monster we had to kill, but he missed. Rolled a low number, you know?” and Steve doesn’t know, but Eddie’s voice is so charismatic that he can’t help but nod.
“Oh” he says. “Sounds like it’s totally worth talking our ears off three days later” he then adds, and Eddie offers him a sympathetic smile.
Suddenly, Dustin turns to Eddie, and opens his mouth, surely to ask for his opinion.
“Aaand, that’s my cue to go get myself another beer!” he says, slapping Steve’s thigh and getting up with a grunt.
“What… Eddie!” Dustin complains, and runs behind him. Steve chuckles, poor guy wouldn’t be able escape Dustin’s nagging even if he really tried.
Steve keeps his eyes on the stairs where Eddie just disappeared, and Robin scoots closer.
“Did you tell him yet?” she asks, and Steve feels his heart fall all the way to his stomach. It lies heavily there, and he feels like he just got sick. His mouth feels funny, and he grimaces.
“Taking that as a no” Robin chuckles, and lies her head on his shoulder. “You should tell him Steve, what is there to lose?”
Well, Steve thinks, everything. Just because everyone says Eddie is a queer doesn’t mean he really is. And, even if he is, maybe he just doesn’t like Steve. He pretends like the thought doesn’t hurt his pride, because well, after high school he couldn’t even get a stable date with a girl. Thinking about shooting his shot with a guy was even more terrifying. Not really because he isn’t used to it, even if that surely plays a part in his delaying, but because maybe he just isn’t a gay dude’s type. Eddie’s type.
Robin looks at him, and she gets that look that she often has when she thinks she said something stupid.
“I mean- you don’t have to tell him, I guess. I just don’t think he’s gonna react in the way you think he would”
Steve looks at her. He lets his eyes wander on her face, then he just stares into her eyes. He doesn’t even know why, maybe he hopes to find the answer to all his doubts, like Robin is some kind of queer knows-it-all and her eyes hold the answer to the question “Does Eddie Munson like Steve Harrington romantically?”
“What are you saying now, Steve. And get a room” Erica says, getting up from the couch, and that’s enough to launch Steve back in the moment.
“We’re not gonna kiss!” he screams at her, but Erica is not even listening to him anymore, concentrating instead in her brother’s conversation with Mike. Steve sighs.
“I was getting a bit scared myself” Robin admits with a laugh, and Steve shakes his head.
“I would never”
“I would slap you so hard, so I surely hope so for, like, your safety” Steve looks at her and shoves her lightly.
They shove at each other until Robin decides to tickle him, knowing damn well she’s going to win easily. Steve gasps for air but he keeps laughing and laughing, and he can’t seem to find the time to breathe. He feels tears at his eyes, and only when he feels them on his cheeks does he manage to scream a weak “Stop! Stop, Robin, have mercy!”
Robin’s face is red from laughing, and the two of them take a few seconds just to breathe, Steve coughs a little, and Robin exhales. It’s almost impossible to tell that, just a few months before, they were fighting for their lives in an alternate dimension. And, well, they probably will have to get back there someday. They went to sleep the night before after an hour long call where Robin talked Steve through another panic attack, which increased after the whole Vecna situation and, quite honestly, after he found out he was in love with Eddie freaking Munson. But now, not even a full day later, here they are, laughing to the point of tears. Steve doesn’t feel real at all, which makes his brain decide he could as well tell Eddie about how he feels, because they live in a surreal world, afterall, and Steve Harrington can get crushes on guys, and the guy in question just happens to be Eddie Munson.
Just as Steve builds up all the courage necessary, Eddie jumps down the last two steps, landing loudly behind Will, who jolts up. Eddie smiles at him, gentle, and Steve can’t tear his eyes away. Eddie is always so kind, so different than the “freak” persona he built up during the years. He is so, so, gentle, Steve almost can’t take it. He wants to collect all his kindness and keep it safe from all the people that want him to be mean so badly. But he can’t do anything if he doesn’t get on his damn feet and talks to him, can he?
He swallows hard, the noise resonating in his brain as if it was amplified. “I’m gonna tell him” he says, and Robin groans.
“Fucking finally, dingus! Go get him, tiger” as soon as she says that, she grimaces, and Steve looks at her with a tight lipped smile.
“Don’t ever say that again”
“Yep, never again. Sorry. Good luck!” after that, she pushes him from behind, making him stumble a few steps.
Enough air has circulated through his system and he realises he’s not that ready, actually! But now he’s on his feet, and Robin kicked her shoes off,hoisting her feet up and taking up all of the couch. The kids are having a rather heated discussion over what he can only imagine to be DnD again, and Nancy and Jonathan are nowhere to be seen. Eddie is propped against the wall, sipping the cheap beer and occasionally smiling or laughing at what the kids say.
Steve needs to get Eddie out, because as much as he’s confident in the kids being open enough not to hatecrime him, submitting to the mortifying ordeal of confessing his feelings isn’t exactly something he wants to do in front of a bunch of 15 year olds.
He pats his pockets for a pack of cigs, and thanks his past self for not quitting like he promised he would. He taps Eddie on the shoulder, showing him the pack.
“Want to take a smoke break?”
Eddie looks at him with the same lost look he often showed when he lived with him, then smiles widely.
“Thought you’d never ask, Harrington” he takes a cigarette, and they get out in the garden, Eddie crouched down next to the door and Steve standing next to him. Eddie leans on his legs, and Steve has to pretend it doesn’t make his knees buckle.
Eddie puffs out some smoke, and he sighs. “I’ve missed this, like, so much” he says, and Steve laughs, taking his own cigarette up to his lips.
“Don’t get too used to it, I’m only letting you do this because it’s a special occasion” in fact, during Eddie’s stay at his house, Steve strictly prohibited him from smoking anything, saying he could do it only if he was gonna die otherwise. Which was never, so Eddie basically stopped smoking for two full months.
“Who could’ve guessed that all it took to make me stop smoking would be Steve Harrington telling me he would kick my ass” he had said one night over dinner, eyeing Steve’s beaten up pack of Marlboro Reds on the counter.
“A special occasion?” Eddie asks, absent mindely, like he isn’t really there. Steve looks down at him, and wishes he could grab his face and look at his eyes, looking into his big brown eyes and figuring out whatever went on in his brain.
“Yeah, man! Are you kidding? Didn’t you pass Ms O’Donnel’s final two days ago? You graduated, Eddie, you did it!”
Eddie looks up at him, all shiny eyes and big smile. Steve notices a dimple on his right cheek and the thought of poking it makes his chest hurt.
“‘86 was supposed to be year, afterall!” Eddie says, taking a long drag from his cigarette.
They fall into a comfortable silence for a while, Steve sitting down when he’s halfway his cig, their shoulders brushing. Steve feels his heart in his throat, and this is ridiculous, he thinks. He hasn’t felt like this since he invited out Jane McMillan in middle school, keeping it a secret from his father, sneaking out of his window after dinner and rocking on his heels as he waited for her in front of the ice cream parlour. This is so ridiculous, he tells himself. He throws the butt of the cigarette on the floor, and puts it out with the tip of his shoe.
Eddie is slightly leaning on him, the cigarette still burning between his lips, but his eyes distant. Now or never, Steve tells himself. He clears his throat.
“Eddie” he starts, and Eddie is quick to turn his head to him, his big eyes on him, as if he wasn’t just staring at nothing in particular just a second before. As if Steve is the most important thing in the world to him in that moment. He stands there, face too close, the cigarette now between two of his fingers. Steve thinks about how his face looks through the white puffs of smoke, how his breath brushes against his skin. Then he thinks of nothing at all, as he frames Eddie’s face with his hands and kisses him.
It’s nothing like he imagined, at night in his bed, hiding his heated up face in his pillow, biting his lips to stop himself from smiling too hard. It’s messy, he doesn’t even register what he’s doing, just his hand sliding to the back of Eddie’s head, carding through his hair, and the other falling to Eddie’s chest. He feels Eddie pulling him impossibly close by grabbing his shirt, and then Eddie is licking his lips and Steve opens his mouth, and he’s having trouble breathing but he also feels like he just inhaled fresh air after a long time.
Eddie pulls back first. He stares at Steve, and he gets to see him tearing up, and then he’s holding him as Eddie hides his head in the crook of his neck and cries, but he’s also laughing, and Steve is so confused. He pats his head, pets his hair.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, I got you” he says. It gives him a sense of dejavu. Eddie lightheartedly punches his chest.
“You’re… you’re unbelievable, Steve Harrington” he sobs, but maybe he’s laughing. Steve can’t really tell.
“I’ll take that as a compliment” Steve tries, and that’s apparently the right answer, because Eddie sniffs and then laughs. Loud and clear, his nose brushing against Steve’s neck.
“Unbe-fucking-lievable” he reapeats, puctuating ever syllable with a hit to Steve’s chest. “I spent days, weeks, deluding myself, entertaining myself even, into thinking you might just be interested in being my friend and here you are, kissing me on a random Saturday night-”
“Hey, it’s not random! You graduated!” Steve tries to give this madness a meaning, because otherwise he’ll have to admit that he just really needed to kiss him or else he’d die.
“Oh, so if I flunked O’Donnel’s exam you wouldn’t have kissed me” Eddie asks sarcastically, looking up at Steve through his bangs. Steve feels his heart stop and start again twice as quickly and he pulls Eddie in for another kiss. A little peck on his lips, nothing more, just because he can, apparently. Which is crazy to him. He can kiss Eddie Munson. He feels light as a feather and he almost wants to laugh. He’s allowed to kiss Eddie Munson as much as he wants.
“See! You would’ve kissed me anyway!” Eddie says, his smile splitting his face in two.
“What do you want me to say, Munson, you charmed me” Steve plays it off, and this time it’s Eddie’s turn to kiss him. That seals it. Eddie wants to kiss Steve too. Steve chuckles, he suddenly is over the moon.
“You were driving me insane these past few months” Eddie admits. Which is, again, crazy, because Steve thought Eddie was driving him insane. “I didn’t know if I was making it all up or if you were just fucking with me, I couldn’t ever imagine you’d like me for real”
That breaks Steve’s heart, because who couldn’t like Eddie after meeting him?
“I like you so much that I think I would’ve exploded if I didn’t kiss you” Steve says, completely ignoring how embarrassing it is to say that out loud. Eddie’s eyes water again, but Steve kisses him because he couldn’t take it if he cried after he said something like that.
“I like you too. So much. It almost hurts” Eddie replies, and Steve tilts his head, as he twirls a strand of Eddie’s hair on his finger.
“Well… now you can kiss me everytime it hurts”
Eddie takes on his offer immediately. Steve smiles into the kiss and it’s so sickeningly sweet he feels like he’s gonna die.
“We should like. Go back” Eddie says when he pulls back. “Before Henderson thinks we got kidnapped or something”
“That would break him” Steve agrees, getting up and pulling Eddie up as well. He doesn’t let go of his hand. Eddie caresses his knuckles with his thumb. Steve kisses him one last time. That’s six times in the span of twenty minutes, he thinks, giggling to himself.
When they get back in, Steve keeps holding Eddie’s pinky as they sit down. He looks around. Lucas’ head is leaning on Max’ shoulder, as he describes what everyone is doing, Dustin, Mike and Will are arguing over whatever the fuck, Erica is doing Robin’s hair as she explains something to her, and Nancy and Jonathan are sitting on the stairs, looking at each other.
Everything is exactly like they left it before their smoke break, but now he’s allowed to kiss Eddie Munson whenever he wants.