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The first time Katniss dreams after the war (the first time she sleeps, really, without being drugged and weepy), she sees Rue, stretched up on her tiptoes, singing to the mockingjays in her lilting, airy voice. Katniss almost reaches out to her but stops, realizes that she is stuck on the ground while Rue flits through the trees. She watches from the ground, awed, as the too-blue sky is streaked with fluttering wings, laughing a little when Rue's feet touch the ground in front of her. But Rue is not smiling. Her teeth are barred, her tiny fists clenched, and when her eyes find Katniss, they are a mutt's eyes, full of resentment and violence, more than could possibly fit in her tiny frame. They accuse her: you let me die. you killed me.
And then Rue's eyes turn blue and her skin pales and her hair is a pretty blonde plait and Prim rushes for Katniss, burning, burning—
Katniss wakes up, sweating and breathing with difficulty. She half-expects someone else to be in the house, waiting to comfort her.
-
The silence around the Hob is disconcerting; Katniss can't remember a time when this place was so still. Before the bombs, anyway. Her feet scuff around in the debris. She watches solid shapes dissolve into ash around her boots.
The only other person who ever walked out here was Greasy Sae, to see what was left of their thriving metropolis. The footsteps behind her are not Greasy Sae's, because Sae smells like oil and kitchen grime; this person smells like ozone and baking bread. "Hey."
"Hey," Peeta says, still unsure of how to act around her, still questioning his mind. "Haymitch said you haven't been eating. I brought lunch."
"How'd you find me?" asks Katniss, sitting down cross-legged. Cinna doesn't make her clothes anymore; she doesn't worry about getting dirty.
"I know you," he says. For a second he looks stricken, like he can't believe the words just came out of his mouth. Katniss can only guess how her face must look. Peeta coughs quickly, amends, "I know you used to spend a lot of time here before. With Gale."
"Everyone has to find a way to survive," she says evenly, breaking off a piece of bread. "I think I'm leaving District 12." Peeta pauses mid-chew; a year ago she might have laughed at him. "Not for good," she corrects herself. "I need to go to 11."
"Oh," Peeta says, swallowing. "Do you—how are you getting there?"
"Haven't decided yet," Katniss shrugs. "Kind of spur of the moment. You think they still let psychopaths on trains?"
"I'd bring a false mustache," Peeta suggests seriously. "Just in case." Katniss smiles. "When will you go?"
"Whenever the next train comes, I guess. I'll phone Effie or somebody, see if I know anyone with strings to pull."
"Are you going to go alone?" he says quietly.
"Are you asking if I want you to go with me?" He shrugs. "I think," Katniss says slowly, "it's been too long since you got to decide what you wanted to do."
Peeta quirks his lips strangely. "In that case, I think I'll stick around for a while. Might help with the—" he gestures vaguely at his head. Katniss nods.
"I'll call when I get there," she promises. "If I can find a phone. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, of course," Peeta says. "You remember the number?"
"Yes," says Katniss. "Do you?"
His lips twist bitterly.
In the morning, Katniss is on a train, courtesy of Effie Trinket, headed for the chaos of District 11.
-
The district seems much wilder since the last time Katniss was here. The vegetation is overgrown, invading the streets and covering the dilapidated buildings, like it could eradicate all evidence of the Capitol. She walks carefully over vines and foliage, leaves it undisturbed.
The people in 11 seem lethargic, frail. Katniss takes care not to bump them in the street, for fear she might crack their weary faces right in two. Every so often, though, she catches something extraordinary out of the corner of her eye. A little boy carting a wounded woman into a makeshift hospital. Two women planting trees around the Justice Building. A large group gathered around a shop that's handing out rations. It's not quite enough to make her smile, but it's progress, she guesses.
There's a large rock in the middle of the square, and it seems like the only spot in the whole district that isn't tangled in leaves. Upon further inspection, she sees that it's a tombstone, emblazoned with a name she doesn't recognize. She figures he must be some kind of war hero: there are ripe, red apples and sheaths of wheat scattered on the ground in front of it, saplings sprouting up on either side.
"Excuse me," she asks, tugging on a stranger's sleeve. "Can you tell me who this is?"
The man studies her cautiously. It takes him a few moments to place her. She can't blame him; she doubts she'd recognize herself in a mirror. "You're Katniss Everdeen."
"Yes," she confirms, trying hard not to be exasperated. "The gravesite—"
"When you were here on the victory tour," the stranger says in a clipped tone, "the first person they gunned down—"
"The old man," Katniss says, eyes wide. She kneels down in front of the grave.
"The first casualty of District 11," he says, and Katniss turns to ask him about Rue's and Thresh's families but he's walking away too fast for her to even bother following. Instead, she turns to the headstone.
"Thank you," she says quietly. She kisses the palm of her hand and then places it against the stone; she stays there for a long time, eyes closed, breathing hard.
"Katniss?" says a timid voice behind her. "Katniss Everdeen?" She hears the square go still around her before she turns to face her accuser.
Her voice fails her for a few long, stumbling moments. It's not just one of them, it's all of them. All of Rue's family, unharmed, alive. The one who addressed her has dirt caked up her forearms; she must have been in the orchards, planting over the wreckage.
"My god," Katniss whispers faintly. "Oh my god," and then she flings herself forward and grabs Rue's sister around the waist, holds her tightly. She even smells like Rue, she thinks vaguely, allowing herself a smile. There's a crowd around them now, but Katniss doesn't care. She stands slumped into this little girl's neck and sobs openly, because she can hardly believe that good things can still happen in the world.
Rue's sister takes it in good grace, just strokes Katniss's hair and shushes her. She sings the little four-note melody that haunts Katniss's nightmares. The mockingjays hear enough to catch on, and the air is filled with Rue's voice.
-
"Peeta?" It feels wrong to pick up a phone and not hear Cinna's voice. (I'm still betting on you, he said. She guesses he didn't know a wild card when he saw one.)
"Katniss. Hi. Did you make it okay?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't call sooner. Things are kind of strange here."
"Rue's family?"
"Mm. Safe to say I made a fool out of myself in front of the entire district."
The old Peeta would have said something like, you couldn't if you tried, but this one just makes an amused sound in his throat.
"I just thought I should tell you, I'm gonna be gone a little longer than I planned."
"Staying in 11?"
"No," Katniss says, and swallows. "I thought I'd head up to 2 for a bit."
"Oh," Peeta says shortly.
"Look, seeing Rue's—Gale is family to me, alright? I'm going to hold onto that while I can. Not everyone gets a chance to."
"Of course. Katniss, were we—? I mean, to you, was I—?"
"You don't even need to ask that, Peeta," Katniss says quietly. "So, uh, how are the flowers?" She thinks of the primroses dotting Victor's Village.
"Good. It's Haymitch's birthday next week, I cut a couple of them to put on his cake. I didn't think she'd mind."
"She wouldn't," Katniss agrees.
"Speaking of Haymitch, he wants to know how to, uh, 'make your fucking fleabag stop peeing in his house.' His words, naturally."
Katniss has to laugh at that.
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing. Just tell him to put out some sand. Or drown the thing. Maybe he'll have better luck than I did. Either way, a little urine's the least toxic thing that's ever been in his house."
"Right. You should probably get going, it's late."
"Yeah, I—Peeta?"
"Yes?"
Katniss hesitates. "…Tell him I said happy birthday."
"I will. Good-bye, Katniss."
"See you soon."
-
District 2 isn't much different from how she left it. There aren't any Peacekeepers anymore, but the landscape is just as hostile, just as violent. She wonders how Gale stands it.
He's got a small apartment that overlooks the Nut, where he and Katniss sit and drink tea. He takes sugar in his.
"How's home?" he asks her, shifts a little awkwardly in his seat. No one should be that awkward in their own home, Katniss thinks to herself.
"You tell me," she says with a wryly raised eyebrow.
"Katniss," and he doesn't even look angry, just tired, and that's the worst she could have hoped for.
"No, I'm sorry," she says, half-means it. "I came here because I wanted to see you, not—"
"Berate me?" Gale supplies helpfully. She punches him lightly in the arm and he smiles a little.
"Do you miss it?" she asks quietly.
"I miss you," he shrugs. It's her turn to look awkward, though she should be long past flushing and staring at her shoes.
"Do you even know anyone here?"
"The people I work with," he says easily. "Annie Cresta's in town, too. I stop by to see her every once in a while."
"Annie?" Katniss says, cocks her head. "Why?"
"Doctors," Gale says, rubbing the back of his neck. "The baby's here, too, have you seen him yet?" Katniss shakes her head. "Looks just like Finnick."
"Annie'll have her hands full with him," Katniss smiles, and tries not to think of all the things that could go wrong for that child.
"But sometimes I wonder what it would be like, to just go back. Settle down, rebuild."
"You'd do a great job," she tells him honestly, stirs her tea.
"You think so?" He smiles warmly at her. "But I've got stuff to do here."
"Why do you need to be needed so badly?" she shoots, before she can bite it back.
"Why can't you just trust in somebody else for a change?"
"I'm not going to apologize for what I did," Katniss says icily. "You know I'm not insane. I was in my right mind."
"That just makes it worse," Gale says quietly. "Coin wasn't perfect—"
"Not perfect?"
"No one is," he continues, glaring. "But it was a step in the right direction. Now it's just—" he waves a hand towards the window. "Chaos."
"Better chaos than a police state," Katniss says, remorseless.
"Katniss—"
"If I were going to put the people I love at risk," Katniss says, standing up, "it'd have to be for a lot more than a step in the right direction."
"You're not in the right, you know that."
"You're not in the right for trying to trade one hell for another but you don't know it, and that scares me."
Gales stands up and walks over to her, strangely calm. "I don't want to do this right now," he mumbles, wrapping his arms around her. A strange flowery scent fills Katniss's nose, underneath the familiar Gale smell she's been used to for years.
"I was right," she says, smiling slightly. "You did find another pair of lips to kiss."
Gale pulls back a little, like he's hurt, or worse, like he thinks he's hurt her. He takes in her expression and shrugs. "So did you."
Katniss almost laughs, thinks of Peeta and how he's afraid to touch her. "Sure, Gale." She hugs him tightly one more time. "Just do me a favor?"
"Yeah?"
"Tell her to change her perfume. Roses don't suit you." He stiffens, imperceptibly, before she pulls away. "I've got to go. You know where to find me, if you need me."
"Love you, Catnip," he says, shoves his hands in his pockets and watches her go.
"See you, Gale," she says, and waves.
She leaves so quickly that she forgets to ask where she can find Annie and the baby; she figures they can catch up later. District 12 is waiting for her.
-
Peeta and Haymitch are sitting on her front porch when she gets home. Well. Peeta is sitting, Haymitch is laying facedown and scarcely moving.
"Birthday festivities?" Katniss asks.
"Sometimes we have too much fun," Peeta remarks dryly, nudges Haymitch with his foot for emphasis. Buttercup perches himself on top of his back. Obviously, Haymitch lacks resolve. Katniss pauses to scratch the top of his head.
"So, are you house-sitting or squatting?"
"I think we're technically porch-sitting."
"Ha." Katniss starts when Haymitch snores loudly; he makes a sound that might actually be him choking on his own vomit. "Thought you'd take better care of him than that."
"Why would you think that?"
"Real or not real," Katniss says boldly, leaning against the railing. "You once took all Haymitch's liquor and poured it down the kitchen sink."
"Real," Peeta says quietly. "But look what good it did."
"It did more than you'd think," Katniss tells him. Peeta looks at the ground. Haymitch decides to ruin the moment by actually vomiting all down the porch steps.
"Ugh," Peeta says, wrinkles his nose. Even Buttercup has the sense to vacate the premises. "I'm gonna drag him home."
"I'll clean up," Katniss says, sounding thoroughly disgusted. Peeta is half-way to Haymitch's when she calls out to him.
"What?"
"After you're done with him, you could come back over, you know. For dinner."
Peeta blinks. "Why?"
"Presumably to eat."
"I might."
-
After he's got Haymitch in the shower and mostly breathing, Peeta goes downstairs and dumps out all his liquor. Just for old time's sake.
-
Katniss would like to say that she's not surprised when Peeta knocks on her door. She lets him in, kind of glad that he's got a basket full of pastries underneath his arm, because if she had actually cooked, he might have never come back.
"I figured if I'm gonna monopolize your time," he says, grabbing some plates from the cupboard, "I might as well bring the food."
"I wouldn't say monopolizing," Katniss says, taking a piece of bread and biting into it.
"I think there's a lot you wouldn't say," Peeta tells her. He doesn't elaborate, so they focus on chewing.
After a while, Katniss drags him into the sitting room, emboldened by calories and peaceful silence. She pulls out her plant book, their plant book, and splays it open across her lap.
"Real or not real," she says. "You drew these."
Peeta traces his fingers across the sketch. "I—real?"
"That didn't sound too confident," Katniss says, and flips the page. They fall asleep on the sofa, the book open between them.
Katniss wakes up to the sound of Peeta screaming.
He's not quite awake yet, still shivering with dream-sweat, still shaking from night-terrors. She doesn't think. She just wraps her arms around him and lays her head on his chest.
That wakes him up. At first, he tries to struggle against her, to push her away and disentangle her arms. But she stays firm, keeps her hands clasped behind her back until Peeta calms himself, lets himself go limp in her arms. Eventually, he brings an arm around her shoulders, hesitant and nervous.
"You shouldn't do things like this," he says softly. His fingers run across the edge of her shoulder blade.
"Why?" Katniss asks, tilts her head up to him. "Because you might go crazy and try to kill me?" He tenses. "I trust you, Peeta. Even now. Even if you don't."
"It's late," Peeta says, and Katniss knows that she's messed up, because now he's guilty and uncomfortable and she wishes she could start this conversation over, press rewind like on the televisions in the Capitol.
"You can stay here, if you want," she offers. She doesn't know where this is even coming from, but she can't stop it now. "I've got a whole house full of empty rooms, Peeta. Take your pick."
He runs it over in his head for a few minutes. "Okay," he says finally. "Just not your mom's. Or Prim's."
"Of course not," she says, kind of worried that he'd even think that she would.
She's already under the covers and dozing when she hears her door open. She allows herself about two seconds of paranoid fear before Peeta says, "Real or not real. You loved Gale."
"Peeta—"
"Real or not real, Katniss."
"Real."
"Real or not real, you loved me."
She sits straight up, stares him in the eye. "Why do you keep saying loved, past tense?"
She can't see Peeta's face in the dark, but she thinks he might smile as he pulls the blankets over top of him.
-
She dreams of Gale and Peeta and Prim and Madge, all burning, all on fire, because of her. In the middle of the blaze, Presidents Coin and Snow are holding out their arms to her and smiling, blood dripping from their mouths.
Katniss wakes up slowly, blinks drowsiness from her eyes. She feels Peeta's solid weight beside her and, for the first time in a long time, thinks, fuck that, and goes back to sleep.
-
The phone rings early that morning, before the sun is even up all the way.
"You got room for a freeloader, sweetheart?" Haymith rasps into the phone, sounding more sober than he has in a long time. Katniss gives Peeta's sleeping body a suspicious glance.
"You've got a house, Haymitch."
"Not me. Annie Odair tried to drown her son last night. No one wants to put her up in a mental ward. What do you say, Katniss?"
"When does she get here?"
-
Gale wasn't lying about the baby; he's the spitting image of Finnick. Same sparkling blue eyes, same tan skin, same mischievous smile; Annie's hair, though, thick and dark. He's impossibly charming and he's not even a year old. Katniss doesn't think the girls of Panem have a chance.
"I think I'm in love," she tells Annie, watching Peeta run around the yard, playing with the baby. He does this thing where he dips him upside down; the kid loves it.
"Just like his father," Annie smiles sadly.
"Annie," Katniss says, placing a gentle hand on her arm.
"You know I'm mad, don't you, Katniss?" Katniss is startled. "I'm just saying, because. I love my son. I'd never try to hurt him of my own volition. I just." Annie looks up at her, tilts her head. "I know the things you've seen people do when they're perfectly sane. Horrible things. I need you to know that I'm not like that."
"I never thought you were," Katniss says honestly, and they both head out to the yard to play with the boys.
-
Katniss keeps expecting Annie to break down, like she and Peeta do sometimes; to claw at her eyes and shriek. Annie doesn't behave like a woman who would drown her own child, doesn't have any nervous tics or violent tendencies. Sometimes Katniss thinks that maybe everyone has made a mistake, that Annie's not really mad at all and that she was just giving the kid a bath or something, that everyone wants to romanticize her tragic insanity, her doomed marriage. The oddest thing Katniss ever sees Annie do is stare blankly into space for moments at a time, eyes losing focus until someone calls her name.
Crazy is relative, she guesses.
"I'm glad they're here," Peeta tells her one day, sitting cross-legged beside her while Katniss bounces the baby on her lap.
"Me too," Katniss agrees. Annie's son blows a raspberry at her. "Kind of makes me miss Finnick, though."
"Do you think she would have—done what she did, if he were still around?"
Katniss raises an eyebrow. "Do you mean would he have stopped her? Or would she have wanted to?"
Peeta shrugs and runs a hand through the baby's hair. "I don't know. It's a stupid question."
"Not really," Katniss says thoughtfully. "Hold that thought, I'm going to go try something."
"What?" Peeta calls after her, but Katniss is already headed to the kitchen, to Annie, who is looking pensively into her cup of coffee. She raises her head when she hears Katniss walk in, smiles and holds her arms out for the child.
"How are you?" Katniss asks gently.
"Fine, thank you." Annie tells her, brushes a dark brown curl of her child's face. "Better than I've been in a while."
"Good," Katniss tells her, and means it. "You up for a little field trip?"
"To where?" Annie asks, furrowing her brow.
"Somewhere special," Katniss says with a secret little smile.
She leaves a note on the table for Peeta, just in case he needs her, and leads Annie into the forest.
The trip is shorter than Katniss remembers, or maybe it's just been so long ago since she's make the journey; her legs are longer, her head more muddled, her body more abused. She keeps looking back on Annie and the baby, making sure that she doesn't need a rest or that the baby doesn't need to get down and crawl for a moment. Annie assures her that she's absolutely fine, and the baby—well, he's actually the calmest that Katniss has ever seen him, simply taking in his surroundings with wide, unquestioning eyes, a tiny fist knotted in his mother's shirt.
"Oh," Annie says when she sees the lake, holds the baby closer in apprehension. "Katniss, what—"
"My father used to bring me here," Katniss tells her. Gently, she grabs Annie by the crook of her elbow and leads her to the water. Annie pulls free.
"Are you mocking me?" she asks tightly. "Are you trying to make me feel worse?"
"No," Katniss says easily. "I'm trying to tell you something."
"And what's that?"
"That there's always going to be more water." Annie looks stricken. "That it will probably follow you around wherever you go. But there are going to be people around to help you, too. And I guess what I'm wondering is, does that make a difference? If Finnick were still alive, would it be easier for you?"
Annie seems to take Katniss's words like a blow. She eases herself down to the ground, cradles her baby in her lap. "I heard him, when this happened," she begins softly, stroking her son's back softly. "I heard Finnick's voice. Then it was like I was back in the arena again, and I had to swim us all to safety. I had to teach our son how to swim." She squeezes her eyes shut and then opens them again, like trying to hold something back. "I didn't feel any better when Finnick was around, not in the way you're thinking, but it was easier to tell what was real. What wasn't. I'd just look for him and know that I was awake. I can't do that anymore, and sometimes I just get lost in between for a while. It takes a little bit for me to figure out where I am."
"There's me and Peeta," Katniss says, kneeling in front of her and leaning her forehead against Annie's. "And your son, he's real, too. There are people who'll help you, Annie. Not doctors or wardens. Just people."
Annie smiles. "You're a good person, Katniss. I know you worry sometimes, but you are."
She's not, but she doesn't think Annie wants to be corrected. "Thanks. Feel like a swim?" Annie hesitates for a minute, but nods, and they kick off their shoes. Annie's face, as she steps in the water with her baby in her arms, is a mix of terror and elation. She makes sure the child's head is well above the surface.
"Are you ever going to name him?" Katniss asks, floating on her back.
"Eventually," Annie says easily. "It sounds silly, but I just keep thinking that if I wait long enough, it'll come to me."
"If I end up calling him 'kid' for the rest of his life, it'll be on your head," Katniss warns playfully, and Annie splashes her.
They're still sopping wet when they get home. Peeta and Haymitch are sitting at the kitchen table, looking dull. Haymitch smells better than usual.
"Have fun?" Peeta asks, eyeing the puddles at their feet. Haymitch mutters something rude under his breath.
"Loads," Annie says, grinning brilliantly, and sets the baby on Haymitch's lap.
Before she runs off to change, she hugs Katniss tightly. Katniss buries her face against her shoulder, breathing in water-logged flowers: roses and lilies.
-
Annie, it turns out, is a wonderful cook; Katniss catches a few fish out in the lake and between Annie and Peeta, she eats as well as she ever did in the Capitol. Maybe better. There's some wine hidden in the bottom cupboards, but they just sip water with their dinner; Haymitch hardly even complains. Katniss gives him a calculating look as he shovels food into his mouth. He notices and gives a little cough.
"It's not awful," he obliges. Annie smiles sweetly at him. "Stop that."
"Stop what?" she says, spooning some potatoes into the baby's mouth.
"Looking at me," he snaps.
"I'd listen to him," Katniss advises sagely, tipping her glass back. "You might hurt your eyes." Peeta lets out a gravelly laugh, keeps his eyes on her longer than necessary. Katniss stares down at her empty plate.
"Are they always like this?" Annie asks him.
"Usually they're worse," Peeta says, takes his plate and Katniss's to the sink.
-
Peeta sleeps in her bed again that night. They face opposite directions, not touching.
-
Katniss has almost gotten used to the way they function in this too big house, like clumsy gears in a clock. Haymitch will let himself in sometime before dawn, clanking around with absolutely no regard for the sleepers upstairs. Katniss figures he's looking for something to eat. She also thinks he doesn't sleep very much anymore.
Annie will be the next awake, shuffling downstairs with the baby on her hip. She'll set out a plate of bread for Haymitch and let him play with her son while she puts tea on for everyone else. Annie likes to be up early, to watch the sunlight filter through the windows.
Peeta doesn't quite stir when he wakes up, long before Katniss even feels her dreams begin to wane. But he doesn't join Annie and Haymitch until Katniss opens her eyes. She doesn't ask him why, whether it's because he doesn't want to disturb her or because he likes watching her sleep, or maybe just for a tired habit of keeping up appearances. Either way, they don't make their way to the kitchen until the sun is high in the sky.
They're just hobbling down the stairs, still in their pajamas, when there's a knock on the door. Peeta looks at Katniss quizzically. Annie peeks her head around the corner.
"Someone at the door?"
"Nobody's at the door," Haymitch says to his eggs.
"Who's left in the District?" Peeta asks.
"Sae and some miners. Nobody we know. And Sae wouldn't knock," Katniss says, brow furrowed.
"It's just some neighbor, then, leave it."
"Piss off, Haymitch," Katniss bounds towards the door. "We don't have neighbors. You're our neighbors."
"Sucks for you, sweetheart," Haymitch snorts. Katniss rolls her eyes and opens the door, promptly lets her jaw hit the floor.
"Hey," says Gale weakly.
"What are you doing here?" Katniss says, trying to mask her surprise. She hears Peeta's footsteps behind her, coming to see who in their right mind could possibly be in 12.
"I missed the food," Gale deadpans.
"I'll have Greasy Sae fry you up some roadkill," Katniss assures him, still dazed. Peeta's looking over her shoulder now, she can tell, because Gale's eyes have gone hard.
"Gale," Peeta says politely.
"Peeta," Gale returns. "Been well? Tried to kill anyone lately?"
"I'm trying to cut back," Peeta replies. Gale almost smiles. Katniss doesn't really know what to think of their little exchange, but luckily she doesn't have to, because a loud crack and a curse draw everyone's attention to the front yard.
"Oh, I brought a friend—"
"Screw you, I don't need an introduction," says Johanna Mason's loud, obtrusive voice from behind him. Katniss grins so widely her face splits in two. There's a large duffel bag slung over Johanna's shoulder, and her eyes are worn and travel-bleary, but she's smiling in her little condescending way and her face is lit up, despite the jagged hair and her best efforts at a scowl. "Brainless, bread-boy," she acknowledges them. "How're those insanity pleas working out for you?"
"Pretty well," Katniss shrugs. "I've been worse."
"Yeah? Glad to hear it. I think I broke your mailbox, though. Hope it's not a problem."
"Will you let them in and close the damn door?" Haymitch calls from the kitchen. Katniss nods and steps aside, lets them through. Peeta's still watching Gale strangely, like a particularly jumpy animal. She can't really blame him.
"You hungry?" she asks, breaking the silence that follows them down the hall. "Annie made breakfast—"
"Gale!" Annie says delightedly, before he's even got two feet in the kitchen. He smiles broadly and strides over to her, kisses her gently on the cheek.
"Hey, old man," says Johanna, slumping into the chair beside Haymitch. "Who've you got there?" She leans over a little to poke the baby in the side.
"You can hold him, if you like," Annie tells her, forearms resting on the countertop.
"Hi, Annie," Johanna says softly. "Doing alright?"
"I'm well," she says with a small smile. "Thank you." Johanna nods and looks at her like there's something else she wants to say, but she thinks better of it and lifts the baby into her lap.
"Decide on a name yet?" Gale asks her, pouring himself a glass of water.
"I'm waiting for one to find me," she tells him. He nods, like he understands completely.
"Mommy's going to forget to name you, yes, she is," Johanna coos at the child in her lap. Katniss has the decency to look alarmed and is about to reprimand her when she hears Annie's soft, tinkling laugh. Johanna looks up at her and grins.
Life is strange in District 12.
-
They spend the night roasting marshmallows ("Where did you steal these?" Katniss asks Gale, eyes wide) in the fireplace, talking animatedly. Every so often, one will dip too low and fall into the flames, but no one notices until the sickly-sweet smell wafts over them.
"You keep letting yours fall in," Annie tells Johanna, wiping stickiness off the baby's mouth.
"I'm trying to hold a pleasant conversation," Johanna huffs, mostly joking.
Haymitch snorts. "It might be conversation, but it sure as hell—"
"Stuff it," Johanna warns, shoving her finger in his face threateningly. "I can't even get good and drunk, thanks to you."
"I'm sorry that I'm impeding your alcoholism," he sneers.
"You can say it, but can you spell it?" Johanna sing-songs.
"You two have words before you fell out?" Gale murmurs. Katniss laughs loudly, and even Peeta smiles.
Annie goes upstairs after an hour or so ("The baby's fussing," she says apologetically) and Johanna follow soon after. Haymitch, who has a tendency to sleep where he falls, tips his head back against the sofa and stays deadly still for about ten minutes.
"Is he breathing?" Gale asks with a kind of disgusted awe. Katniss swats him with her marshmallow-y stick and he emits a loud snore.
"He'll be alright," she assures him.
The air seems to grow denser in the room; maybe because there are less people sucking it up, Katniss thinks, and after a few long minutes of tense silence she's sort of wishing that she'd gone to bed with Annie and Johanna. It was easy, with them around, to pretend that she and Peeta were on good terms and Gale was still her best friend-slash-cousin and that neither of them had ever envisioned the bloody death of the other. Now it was just them and the weight of a revolution on their shoulders.
And it had been such a nice evening.
Peeta, surprisingly, is the one that breaks the unnerving quiet. "So what are you doing here?" he asks Gale bluntly.
Gale thinks about it for a minute. "I guess I just had to think about where I was needed," he begins, looking pointedly at Katniss, "and where I needed to be."
"Right," Peeta says, with what might be a laugh. He stands up. "I'm going to call it a night."
"Are you sure?" Katniss says, sitting up a little straighter.
"Positive. I can put my pajamas on by myself and everything," he says dryly.
"I'll be up in a bit," Katniss calls after him as he trudges towards the staircase. Gale raises an eyebrow at her. "Not like that," Katniss says, picks up a throw pillow to hurl at him. Gale dodges it artfully.
"It's your life," he says quickly. "I mean, you don't have to make excuses—"
"I'm not," Katniss tells him. He looks at her disbelievingly. "Seriously, I'm not. The last time you saw him kiss me in the Games was the last time he kissed me."
"You can do a lot without kissing."
"How did I go so long without figuring out you were secretly a pervert?" Gale makes a face at her. Katniss stares ruefully at the marshmallows melting in her fireplace. "We sleep in the same bed. That's it. We don't even lay close to each other."
Gale looks thoughtfully at the ground. "When you hugged me, that day in District 2, that wasn't—it's Annie's perfume. I was at the hospital one day and she was having a fit. I helped hold her down."
"I know," Katniss says quietly. "I figured it out a few days after she got here."
He stares into the fireplace. "There was never anyone else, you know. About that day—"
"Stop," Katniss tells him, soft but resolute. "We don't need to talk about it, okay?" He nods, looking crestfallen. "I'm going to head up. G'night, Gale."
Peeta's still awake when she gets upstairs, turned away on his side. "Hey," she whispers, slipping under the blankets. It'd probably be best to leave him be, just turn around and go to sleep like normal. Katniss doesn't really like doing what's best for her.
"Hey," he replies, tension knotted in his back. She wants to reach out and rub at his shoulders, but that would probably be too forward. A few months ago she couldn't sleep unless she was practically in his lap, and now she's afraid to touch him. Thank you, President Snow.
"Are you mad?" she murmurs.
"Katniss," he starts, gives a long-suffering sigh.
"If you are, that's—"
"I don't have any reason to be mad," he cuts her off. "I'm just. Tired."
"Of me?"
"Of me," he says, rolling over to look at her. "Of how ridiculous our lives are, and we can't do anything about it. It's not Gale or anything. It's just been a rough day."
"Sure," Katniss obliges. "It's a lot to take in, I guess, especially with them just showing up out of the blue—"
"Can we just not talk about it?" Peeta says quickly. Katniss looks at him. "Sorry."
"Not sorry. Tell me what's bothering you."
"I haven't seen them since the Capitol," he tells her quietly. "It was just—every time I looked at them, all I could see was that day, and. You're right, it's just a lot to take."
"Hey," Katniss says, feeling brave. She opens her arms. "Come here." Peeta hesitates for a minute and then obliges, laying his head on her chest. Katniss smiles sleepily; she falls asleep listening to his breathing.
-
The next morning is a bright one, mild and sunny. Johanna pounces on Katniss while she's still sleeping, dangling a pillow over the top of her head until she wakes up with a start.
"That's not funny, you know," she snaps, slapping the pillow out of Johanna's hands. She glances over at the empty stretch of bed next to her; Peeta's already gone.
"You wouldn't know funny if it bit you in the ass," Johanna tells her. "I want you to take me to that lake you showed Annie."
"How do you know about that?" Katniss asks, wrinkling her nose and yawning.
"She couldn't stop talking about it. I guess she had fun, spending time with the baby or whatever. I thought I might take her back soon, since you're probably too preoccupied with your little harem to care about our amusement."
"Fuck you very much," Katniss tells her. "I'll meet you downstairs once I'm dressed."
"Cheers, brainless," Johanna hums, and leaves Katniss to scrounge up some clean clothes. She pulls on a pair of pants and a shirt that doesn't reek and heads downstairs, whistling softly. She's not entirely sure what compels her to quiet when she reaches the kitchen, or why she doesn't just walk in, but the something in the tone of Gale's voice makes her pause, press herself against the wall. She listens.
"—guess she chose you, then," he's saying matter-of-factly.
"How's that?"
"Well, look around. Who's living in her house?"
"Both of us, at the moment."
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah, but you're wrong."
"I don't think so."
"She left for you." Katniss shudders a little at the hurt in Peeta's voice; she wonders why she never noticed it before.
"And she stayed for you." Peeta is quiet for a long time.
"Ready to go?" says Johanna loudly from behind her. Katniss lets out a little squeak, and both Gale and Peeta jump.
"What are you doing there?"
"Eavesdropping," Katniss says easily. She grabs an apple off the table and takes a loud, slurping bite. "See you."
She can still hear them as she's walking across the yard.
"We were kind of dumb to think she'd have to choose," Gale says.
"Katniss doesn't much like being told she has to do anything," Peeta agrees. "Hey, do you think you could show me how to make those snares again?"
"I don't know, do you think you could try sucking less at it?"
Katniss smiles and links arms with Johanna. It's nice, sometimes, simply to be understood.
-
Johanna takes Annie and the baby down by the lake the next day at noon and doesn't come back until dinner. Katniss isn't worried, for the most part; she and Annie both trust Johanna, and it's a lazy sort of day, anyway, so she just sits on the porch while Gale and Peeta fuss over tying knots. She waves at Annie and Johanna when they return, all three of them pink-cheeked from the sun.
"Look what he found to play with," Annie says, pleased, setting the baby on the porch steps. There's a little salamander crawling up his knee. Katniss's eyes go wide and she thinks her heart stops for a minute.
"Katniss? Are you alright?" Peeta says her name in a way that makes her think he's said it at least a half a dozen times before she heard.
"I'm fine," she mumbles, "too much sun." She gropes her way inside until she reaches the bathroom, where she retches into the toilet and thinks about the lizard mutts and the noise Finnick Odair made while he died.
-
Annie ends up having a pretty rough night, too.
Katniss and Haymitch are in the kitchen washing up (Katniss is washing up, Haymitch is staring dejectedly at the piles of dishes he has yet to start drying) when they hear the screams from upstairs.
Gale swoops in, eyes wide, and says, "Annie." It's all it takes to send everyone running up the stairs.
Annie is crouched over in a corner, a broken vase at her feet. Her hands are bleeding profusely, and Katniss can see the light reflecting off the bits of glass embedded in them. On the bed, the baby is wailing.
There are two reasons Katniss doesn't make a move towards her. One, and this one is kind of pathetic, but she still really doesn't like blood; this is nowhere near the worst she seen, but there's still a lot of it and she can smell the coppery pang of it in the air and it makes her stomach churn a little. The second is that Johanna is already there, grabbing Annie by the wrists and whispering soft things into her hair.
"Johanna," Katniss starts, but she's not sure if she has anything to say; all she can do is stare at Annie's face, so unlike her, eyes wide and manic and terrified.
"I've got her," Johanna says, "just take the baby, alright?" Katniss still feels kind of frozen, so Peeta scoops up the child in his arms and steers them downstairs. Haymitch gives Annie and Johanna a lingering look before he follows them down.
"You okay?" Gale asks her when they're all squished onto the sofa. "Katniss?"
"Shit," says Haymitch, pacing around the living room. "I can't deal with this shit sober." He treks into the kitchen.
"That's going to be us," Katniss says hollowly. "We're going to act like that someday."
"We already are," Peeta says, casually grim, and Katniss is scared to find that she already knows.
"Gimme," she says, holding out her arms for the baby. Peeta sets him in her lap and she holds onto him for all she's worth.
-
(Annie's all bandaged up in the morning, and she spends most of breakfast petting at the baby and sending secret looks at Johanna that she thinks no one sees.
Finally, she says, "I'm sorry about the vase," and Katniss has to laugh.)
-
The thing about having Gale and Johanna stay with them is that they have two new cogs to fit into their little machine. Johanna isn't so bad, because she mostly comes and goes with Annie and the baby (Katniss is too nice a person to be suspicious over that, she tells herself), but Gale, he's up at all hours of the night. Normally, Katniss couldn't be bothered by it, but Gale makes noise. He's always down in the kitchen and every time he opens a cabinet or sets down a glass, Katniss hears it like the sound is magnified by twenty thousand. She knows Peeta hears it, too, but for some reason he declines to make any vicious comments. Go figure.
Tonight, though, she's exhausted from running around after the baby all day (he's learning to walk, how grand) and Peeta is lying beside her, restlessly shifting every five seconds.
"This is ridiculous," she says flatly, sitting straight up. "What time is it?"
"Going on two," says Peeta.
"I'll be back," Katniss says with determination, and traipses out into the hall and down the stairs.
When she approaches the kitchen, she's hit with the smell of coffee swirls around her; she's never really developed a taste for the stuff, but the smell is comforting, at least. Gale is sitting at the kitchen table, a steaming mug in his hands. He looks up when she pads into the room.
"Hey, Catnip," he says pleasantly, losing a little bit of his grin when he takes in her grimace. "Bad night?"
"You're loud," she tells him. "You're never loud. What's wrong?"
"Just a little trouble sleeping," he says, forcing cheerfulness. "I'll keep it down, sorry."
"No," says Katniss. "No, you won't." With that, she grabs his wrist and tugs him up the stairs.
Peeta doesn't stir until Gale and Katniss are standing over the bed; him apprehensive, her yawning. To his credit, all he does is crack one eye open appraisingly and mutter, "He better not be a blanket-hog like you," before he rolls onto his side.
Katniss grins sleepily and shoves Gale onto the bed half-heartedly. He wriggles under the covers between her and Peeta and he's still, for the first time all night. Katniss presses her forehead against his shoulder and closes her eyes.
-
"So, I've been thinking," Johanna says over breakfast, in between bouts of peek-a-boo with Annie's son.
"Don't hurt yourself," Haymitch says, swigging back a glass of milk. Sobriety has done wonders for his hygiene but not much for his disposition. Johanna flings a bit of egg at him.
"I'm not cleaning that up," Annie tells her, scoops the baby up in her arms and takes him over to the sink to wash the oatmeal off his face.
"I think I'm going to head home," Johanna finishes quickly. Every head in the room turns to her.
Gale is the first one to speak. "What."
"I just think," she explains calmly, "that I've been freeloading for too long."
"Bullshit," Haymitch tells her, and walks outside.
"You know we don't mind having you," Peeta says gently. "You're not imposing at all."
"Yeah, exactly," Katniss adds, waving her arms around for emphasis. "It's not like we're short on space or anything." Gale sits silently, staring at his bowl of oatmeal. Katniss nudges him.
"If you need to be home, then that's that," he says finally. Johanna nods and gives him a strange little smile.
"When are you going to leave?" Annie asks her, voice stretched tight. She keeps her eyes firmly on the faucet, the solitary drops of water leaking out of it.
"I don't know yet," Johanna says softly. "Tomorrow, maybe."
"Right," Annie says. She picks up the baby and follows Haymitch. Johanna looks like she's going to head out after her, but veers off to the left at the last second and goes into the living room.
Katniss and Peeta and Gale all look at each other expectantly. "I'll take Johanna," Katniss offers.
"Haymitch," Peeta claims at the same time that Gale says, "Annie." They look slightly pleased.
Johanna is sitting on the sofa, resting her elbows on her thighs. "What do you want, Cat-piss?"
"You're cheery. Why are you really leaving?" Katniss sits beside her, not bothering to leave any space between them. She figures they're past that.
"I wasn't lying. I miss home."
"What about all that about having nothing left?"
Johanna is quiet for a moment. "I thought maybe I could start over."
"Annie would miss you," Katniss says observantly.
"Annie's tough," Johanna tells her half-heartedly.
"Not as tough as you." Johanna's fingers are tapping out little nervous beats against the cushions. Katniss lays a hand over hers and Johanna stills, reluctantly. She's trying not to look Katniss in the eye.
"Look," she says finally. "I know she needs someone to look after her. Especially with the baby. I'm not that exceptionally dumb, despite—despite fucking everything, okay? I know. Finnick knew it, too."
"Is that why you're here?" Katniss asks. "For Finnick?"
"No," Johanna scowls. "Finnick was my friend, but I never promised him shit. I just didn't think it would be right for her to have to be alone. None of us should be," she adds quickly. Katniss stares at her skeptically.
"I'm not going to say it," Johanna tells her childishly. "You can stare at me all you want, but I'm not going to say it."
"Your hair looks nice," Katniss says, suspiciously cavalier. "Smoother. A lot better than it did."
"You think?" Johanna says, running a hand through it with a vague smile.
"Annie cut it for you?"
"You are a dirty little—"
"You wanted to see if she'd go with you, didn't you?" Katniss says bluntly.
"Well," Johanna says, baring her teeth more than smiling. "Look how that turned out." Katniss feels like something in her stomach just ripped in two, so she just laughs over top of it, grips Johanna's hand tighter and leans her head against her shoulder and laughs until Johanna is laughing with her.
-
By nightfall, Johanna has her bags packed and is waiting at the door. Katniss had phoned the Capitol to get her a ride ("This isn't a chauffeur service, you know.") and the only thing left to do is wait. Gale and Peeta are sitting on the porch steps, making quiet conversation with Johanna. Katniss stands inside and watches them out the window, picking at her fingernails and staring up the staircase.
"You know that thing they say about a watched pot, sweetheart?"
"No," Katniss says crossly, partly because she doesn't and partly because she needs Haymitch giving her advice like she needs tracker jacker venom in her eye.
"Fine, fine," Haymitch says, leans against the wall. "I give her two minutes," he mutters under his breath.
"Two minutes for what?" Katniss asks, but as soon as she says it Annie's flying down the stairs, bag in one arm and the baby in the other. "What," she says flatly, but Annie's already got the door thrown open. Johanna is looking at her, stunned.
"After you—I started thinking," Annie begins, a little nervously, and through her fidgeting Katniss can see the mad, shrieking girl she was on the day of the reaping; she's not quite sure what brings that on. "About home. Where home is."
Johanna breaks into a smile and none of them need her to go on to know that what she means is I'm going with you.
Gale is grinning smugly on the porch, watching the scene play out. Katniss catches his eye, mouths what did you do? He shrugs, feigning innocence.
Haymitch stands in the doorframe, eyes looking suspiciously teary. Katniss looks away, trying to spare him some dignity, but Peeta walks over and pats his shoulder. "Annie," he barks out suddenly, "you have a name yet?"
"Oh, just name him Finnick and get it over with," Johanna says, rolling her eyes.
Annie tilts her head pensively. "Too easy. I'm thinking Marcus. Or maybe Percy?"
"You poor child," Johanna sighs.
-
It's late by the time Annie and Johanna have left, and all anyone wants to do is pass out. Haymitch even makes his way up to a bedroom, much to Katniss's dismay ("Just—don't break anything. Or puke on anything. Or, you know what, get any bodily fluids on anything.").
Before she falls asleep, though, with Gale on one side of her and Peeta on the other, their limbs all tangled together, she thinks about Annie. How Annie's probably never going to be alright. How they might not be, either. What startles her, though, is how she's not all that worried about it.
Gale coughs loudly in his sleep, and Peeta's brow is furrowed; probably a nightmare. Katniss smoothes the hair on the back of his neck, settles deeper into the pillows with her eyes closed.
It's alright.