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This wasn't suppose to hurt. He should feel happy! He's now in the the third round of the playoffs! This is such a big break for the Lightings caption. But it's not as big as the hole that's been burned into Stevens heart. The hole started when he scored the first goal on him, and had gotten bigger after every one that followed. But none of that even compared to the pain he felt when he saw how he looked when they had to shake hands. He looked so broken with his eyes wondering the ice unfocused and pained. When he got to Steven his eyes glanced up to met his and in that moment his eyes seemed to have dropped even more. It hurt Steven to see, and it hurt him even more that he was the reason behind that pain.
After the interviews and after everyone left Steven stayed sitting in his spot. He tried to think of different ways he could get to him, but none seemed to be good enough. And he was flying back to Montreal tomorrow. Steven stood up and threw his stick across the room in sudden anger. Why did a game with wooden or fibreglass sticks and a compact rubber puck have to have so many strings attached?! Why couldn't the goalie that Steven cared so much for be his own?!
Steven sighed and decided on a shower to cool his nerves. He got into the glass shower and began lathering his body up with soap, running his hands over bruises left on his hips. Bruises that Carey had left during his last shower a couple days ago in Montreal. He remembered how his large hands spread the soap around his body, occasionally stopping to grip Stevens sensitive areas that he had all memorized. He remembered how he pulled him close making Steven bend his head back when he kissed him. He craved to have Carey's strong body against his own once more. But he knew he couldn't, not now and probably not ever. Not because of the game outcome, oh no Carey wasn't like that, but because of what Steven unthinkingly did before it.
After Carey and Steven finished with their shower they crawled into bed with each other. As far as the team knew their caption was staying with old friends. And even if they ever had suspicions, who would guess that instead he was sleeping with the oppositions goalie for the team that they were battling for the chance to advance in the Stanley Cup finals. So to say the least Stamkos was pretty safe.
The two NHL players curled up into Carey's bed and faced each other in the king bed. "Steven I have a confession I need to make, and you don't need to reply just listen okay?" Carey asked becoming suddenly serious. Steven simply nodded only half interested in what the goalie had to say, it was probably just about the game in two days back in Tampa.
"Okay uh. Gees uh I don't-crap!" Carey rambled running his hands through his hair, "I thought this would be a lot easier to say, but I guess not. It's just that I can't do what we are doing anymore, not the same anyway. I can't do this uncaring hook ups and aftercare, I can't because I really care about you Steve! I ah- I love you. And I can't keep it bottled up anymore."
Steven tried his best to not allow his eyes to widen in shock at his confession. And instead he nodded and turned so his back faced Carey. He could hear Carey's intake become hitched and a little sniffle from him also. But thankfully Carey, like he said before, didn't push for a reply and instead turned around also and fell asleep. And reluctantly Steven did the same.
Steven woke up at 3 in the morning and urgently starting looking for a pen and paper. Once he found them he left a simple note on his folded up side of the bed and left. He drove back over to the hotel that the team was staying at and checked into his room. And if anyone asked, he needed to focus on hockey.
When Carey woke up he was awaken startled from a dream. He had a dream that Steven had gotten hit by a car and he didn't make it. In frantic motion he whipped around to check on Steven. But to his shock his side was empty and folded with only a paper left on it. He grabbed the paper and quickly scanned over what it said.
Carey,
I can't
And with that Carey broke in two. He was always bad at coming out on his true feelings for people. And this just made everything worse. He knew that he wasn't good enough for Steven, but deep inside he wished he was. And now Carey was left alone his in his house suddenly aching for Stevens touch, even if it was careless.
Now Steven can only look back and wonder what the hell he was thinking. The phrase 'You never know what you have, until it's gone' has never meant so much to Steven. He never realized how much he cared about Carey until he pushed him away. It never use to bother him when his players chirped at Carey's playing in the dressing room. They always chirped about goalies. But in game six it made him so angry, he want to correct them and tell them how amazing Carey was. But he didn't. And he still regrets it, feels like he has failed Carey.
Steven slammed the button of the shower and stopped the water flow instantly. He rested his head up against the wall in front of his and let out uneven sobs. He cried for scoring the winner on Carey, cried because of causing him pain, he cried for moments he had with Carey and begged to take everything he wrote and did back. He slammed his fist continuously against the wall as he wailed. He wanted Carey, he needed Carey. He let himself be lost for a few more minuets until he gathered himself back together. Crying wouldn't get Carey back. But at this point he didn't think anything would.
On his way out to his truck he saw that the Montreal bus was still there. All it did was bring back memories of Carey that Steven couldn't decided wither or not he wanted gone. He looked sadly over at the bus again and debated on whether or not to see if Carey was there.
"Hey! Stamkos!" Steven heard causing him to wheel around. When he did so he was met with no other than P.K. running towards him. Steven knew P.K. decently well, them both being on team Canada and all. That year was a good year, gold metal they won and he also in the process managed to win their beloved goaltender too.
"Hey! Want to explain why Carey was so depressed ever since you stayed at his house in Montreal two days ago?" He simply asked making Stevens jaw drop, "Don't worry I'm the only one who had it figured out. But I have to warn you, it wasn't too hard. He never shut up about you. But anyway, explain."
Steven took a deep breathe and explained how they were basically on going hook ups every since team Canada. And how Carey confessed to him that he loved him and Steven kind of panicked and left him with a note.
"A note?! Shit. Carey used to always hate when I left him notes when we roomed. What did it say?" P.K. asked from his bag that he had settled on while Steven explained his story.
"That's the most shitty part of all. I just said I can't." Steven said kicking a rock away in shame.
"I can't?! I can't?! What!! What. Were. You. Thinking." P.K. exasperated with emphasis on every word, "Well I can't believe it. You know what, you really did it good. Were you trying to hurt Carey? Was that your intention? Because I cannot see any other way for it to turn out!" P.K. began to yell. Steven just stood there and took it, he knew he deserved it.
"Look me in the eyes and tell me that you didn't mean to hurt Carey." P.K. said with all seriousness and a look that could kill. Steven stood there and couldn't seem to be able to put any words together.
"You son of a bitch!" P.K. yelled before lunging himself at Steven. When P.K. landed his first punch Steven could feel his nose snap, definitely broken. But he didn't stop there, he mercilessly landed punch after punch until he was torn off of Steven. Steven groaned and rolled onto his stomach. His throat felt raspy and when he coughed out came blood. Steven could feel his eye swelling and could hear people talking around him. But Steven was so out he couldn't pin point the voices to names. Then unexpectedly he succumbed into the darkness that pulled him in.
When Steven woke up he was in a bed, but it wasn't his own. He tried to get up but the searing pain in his head and ribs prevented it. He instead looked around the room he was in. It was clearly a hotel room, it was pretty well organized and cleaned. Steven could see his bloody clothes across the room on a chair, in sudden panic he realized that someone had stripped him while he was out. But he was snapped out of it when the door opened. There stood Carey.
Steven took a mineute and just examined Carey. He looked very worn down and defeated. All emotions that Steven knew he played a part in.
"I'm sorry" Steven said breaking the silence that filled the room. Carey just stared at Steven and said nothing. Instead he walked towards him and offer two ice packs and a heat pad. Carey had remembered during the second game how Steven told him that he always used heat on his ribs to help with pain. Him remembering that somehow made Steven feel really guilty.
"Put the pad on, meet outside" Carey robotically stated before walking out with his old clothes.
It hurt Steven, but he knew what he did to him was worse. He put on the heat pad and grabbed his ice before slowly standing up. To his surprise it no longer hurt him as much as it did before. He took a moment and looked down at his clothes that Carey has put him in. It was a pair of black sweats and a grey under-armour sweater, and the best part was it smelled just like Carey. Steven sighed at all the memories of wearing Carey's clothes and walked out of his room into the parking lot. As he expected Carey was in his normal parking like he had when he came to Tampa, but this time he was not waiting by the passenger door to let him through.
When Steven jumped in Carey started the car without a word and pulled away to Stevens place. The ride was quite as expected, Carey didn't even turn on his country music. He stopped at Stevens place and waited for him to get out.
"Carey I'm sorry, please talk to me." Steven begged turning to face Carey.
"I hate notes." Was all that Carey replied with, but at least it was something.
"Ugh god Carey! Why do you make everything so hard?! Do you even realize how hard it was for me to score on you? To shake you hand afterwards?! Do you know how I realized that right after I left you that I l-"
"Don't you dare finish that! Don't you fucking dare!" Carey demanded with tears building up in his eyes.
"Carey I did! I fell in love with you and I didn't know until it was too late." Steven softened with his heart breaking even more as Carey began to let his tears fall.
"No Steven! You can't mess around with me like this! Steven! It's unfair un-fair." Carey hickuped between his sobs, "Get out Steven. I can't- I won't"
Tears of his own puddled in his eyes. He nodded slowly and dragged himself out of Carey's truck he rented. His tears fell as soon as his feet hit the ground and he fell onto the ground and began sobbing. He sobbed like a little girl that dropped her ice cream. And it soon turned into a screaming wail as Carey drove away.
All Steven could do for the next hour was cry and repeat Carey's name over and over, so many times that it hardly had a meaning by the end of it. He curled up into the bed that Carey and him used to sleep on and snuggled in smelling the smell of Carey's clothes, even though it has started to fade. And that's when Steven knew he lost everything he needed.