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"Ah, isn't is wonderful? Even at night, the city still buzzes with human life, I love it!"
"Don't be a creep. Let's go to bed, I'm tired."
"You're always taking naps though, like a cat." Izaya chuckled as you glared over your shoulder at him, "I'm amazed you could even fall asleep at night based solely off of how much you sleep during the day,"
You didn't dignify him with a response, just padded over to the window he stood before and tugged lightly on his sleeve, like a child. Izaya was silent, taking in the city with one final blink before dipping his chin.
"Alright, alright."
You curled up on the left side of his bed, while he lay flat on his back on the right. A knife was stowed away in his bedside drawer, but honestly you were surprised he didn't keep it under his damn pillow. Besides, even if some monster broke in, you weren't worried. I've known monsters that were far worse...
Snuggling deeper under the covers, you thought of your shithole apartment downtown. What a waste of money, since you spent most nights here. However much you knew this, you knew even more that you'd never sell your place and fully move in with Izaya. It's not that he wouldn't let you- you knew he would, you already spend most of your time here- it's more so that, for whatever reason, that tiny shit hole of an apartment is yours. And that's important to you.
And another part of you knows that moving in would be to cross another line in your twisted bond- a line you weren't sure you were ready to cross.
You closed your eyes, already anticipating the nightmares that would follow.
In the middle of the night, you jerked awake. Of course, light a sleeper as he was, Izaya stirred from your abrupt movement. You huffed, gasping for air as you sat upright in bed, covers pooling at your waist. Briefly, you wondered why Izaya put up with this every night.
But like most nights, he curled his finger at you, the tiniest of smiles playing on his lips. You flopped down to face him, on your side. He placed a palm under your cheek, cradling your head. You leaned into his cool touch.
"Neko-chan~" he purred. Ironically.
Your eyes fluttered closed once again.
This time, sleep came much easier.
---
"Give this file to Courier-san," Izaya instructed, handing you a crisp, white envelope. He didn't have to tell you what was inside, and you wouldn't ask. You were his loyal pawn, after all. Ever since high school. For now, and probably forever.
From the moment you met the enigma that was Izaya Orihara, you knew your life had taken an irreversible twist.
"Mm," you hummed. Taking the envelope, you headed to the door and slipped on your shoes, "anything else you need while I'm out?"
Seated at his computer, Izaya typed away without lifting his head. "yeah. Let's do lunch."
You didn't even need to ask which place.
The dull trip to Ikebukuro was passed listening to music through your headphones, and watching the city whiz by through the bus windows. You entered Shinra's apartment complex, and knocked at their unit thrice.
Celty excitedly opened the door, but her shoulders sagged at the sight of you. She whipped out her PDA, [ oh... it's just you. Well? What does Izaya want? ]
Wow, what a lovely reception...
"I'm doing well Celty, and how about yourself?" You replied, with a side order of haughtiness.
The headless woman typed aggressively, [ oh, shut up. You're just his gopher. So? What is it now? ]
Just a gopher. Huh. Yeah, that about summed it up in a single word. You knew that's how everyone saw you. Hell, maybe that's even how Izaya himself saw you. A gopher. A pawn. A follower.
But, thankfully, you didn't give a damn what they thought. Except for one.
---
It was on a quiet summer evening that your life changed dramatically.
You headed down from the top floor- your floor- of your crappy, rundown apartment complex, folding a grocery list into your sweater pocket as you went. On the landing of the second floor, you spotted him.
Shizuo Heiwajima. But, what the hell was he doing here? Had he really used his brains for once, and determined your location to attack you and get back at Izaya for all of his bullshit? Perhaps. Groceries forgotten, you took a fighting stance.
Shizuo dropped the cardboard box he'd been carrying. You. He hated you. Izaya's right hand man- you and the flea were thick as thieves. Because of that, you were number two on his shit list. Only topped by Izaya himself.
Surely, Izaya had sent you after him, to spy on him. Gather intel. Well, he wouldn't let either of you get away with it. Not to-fucking-day! Shizuo charged forward with a roar.
"DAMN YOU! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
You ducked to avoid a punch, and swung your own fist, even though the action was basically useless. Shizuo was built like fucking stone, after all.
"DIE!" The beast growled.
You flipped back and out of his range, raising your voice over all of his rumbling.
"What are doing here, Heiwajima." You spat, the name tasting filthy on your tongue. Shizuo halted, confusion clear as day on his face. The fortissimo's chest rose and fell heavily through panting breaths.
"Me? What are you doing here? This is my fucking place, you got that?! Don't act like you and the flea don't already know it!"
As a matter of fact, we didn't know. Not until now. You stumbled back, and laughed at the universe.
"Oi, you wanna die!" Shizuo shouted.
You sighed, "Heiwajima, I'm not here to scope you out, or to fight. I for one, don't have a death wish today. I live upstairs."
What? Was he hearing things correctly, or had he gone mad? You, you of all people lived in his new apartment complex?! God, the universe must really fucking hate him, always screwing him over in the worst ways possible.
He cracked his knuckles, preparing for a fight. Because you and the flea lived to make his life miserable.
But then you did something he least expected.
You raised your hands in surrender.
"Hey, can we leave peacefully? Look, I won't tell Izaya you've moved. Now could you let me go by? I've really gotta go grocery shopping." You spoke casually, not the least bit scared of him. Shizuo blinked.
"You... what? Why?"
Your gaze slid sideways, out the setting sun.
"Let's call a truce, while on this property. I really like this place, you see. I don't want you and Izaya's fighting to ruin it."
It was a selfish request. But that day, Shizuo Heiwajima let you walk.
---
Shizuo stared into his cup of tea, seated across from Shinra in the man's living room. He'd been invited over by Celty for dinner- the headless woman had been practicing her cooking, and was excited to show it off.
As the Dullahan danced about in the kitchen, Shizuo and Shinra sipped away at their drinks.
Shizuo chewed at his lip.
"Say, Shinra?"
"Yeah?"
He spoke your name quietly, like a whisper, "She's been following the flea around since high school, right? What's all that about?"
Ever since the apartment complex incident, he's felt unsettled. He always had a clear picture tinted with hatred and malice of you in his mind, right alongside the flea. But now, the lens was blurry. It bugged him. He didn't like it, not at all.
"Ah, yes. Where to begin...?" Shinra chuckled like the whole situation was amusing to him. It probably was. "Well, I don't know everything, but I do know that Izaya saved her in high school."
"Saved her from what?"
Shinra's smile dropped. "Her own family. Ever since, she's been stuck to his side like glue. You could say she was his first follower. Maybe that's why he's kept her around all this time, instead of discarding her like all the others."
The way Shinra spoke so casually of the girls that Izaya manipulated made Shizuo's stomach churn.
"That's sick." He spoke at last. He glared into his tea, "She's not a trophy, but a human fucking being."
Shinra didn't reply.
---
That evening, you sat beside Izaya on the couch as he read aloud. The baby blue cover read: Advanced Psychology: Unraveling the Human Mind. Not something you were particularly interested in, but Izaya was. So, you listened to him.
Half of the terminology and concepts went over your head, and after two chapters you'd tuned out the meaning behind his words, focusing solely on his voice, and the way it sounded as each syllable rolled cleanly off of his tongue.
The two of you sat side by side, with a tiny gap in between. But, as he rambled on, your eyelids began to droop. You fluttered them back open. Deciding the couch simply wasn't comfy enough, you shuffled closer to Izaya. He paused his reading as you curled up against his side, head knocking lightly by his shoulder. But he quickly recovered.
You didn't see the tiny lift of his lips.
---
A couple weeks passed by in normal fashion. Running errands for Izaya. Spending the nights at his place. Watching him antagonize Shizuo Heiwajima.
Cleaning your apartment. Going grocery shopping. Doing the dishes. Nightmares.
All mundane, to you.
It was early in the morning when you decided to go for a run. You ran to take your mind off things- essentially, you tried to outrun your problems through a frosted, dew soaked city and the under the light of dawn. It had yet to work.
Sweat clinging your hair to your nape, you sipped from your water bottle and began the trek up the stairs to the fourth floor. The apartment complex really should invest in an elevator system. Though you figured you'd be buried in the ground before that ever happened.
It was just before eight by this time. As you reached the second floor, a tall silhoutte of a man against the rising sun caught your eye.
Of course. Just my luck.
As if he could smell you, Shizuo whipped around, alert. His room key jangled at his side as he scowled. When you drew closer, you swore you heard him utter, stinks like flea... under his breath.
Shizuo was, like any other day, dressed in his bartender uniform and ridiculous sunglasses.
Damn. Must have caught him on his way to work. Shit luck.
But instead of deepening, Shizuo's scowl softened. The mellow, near comprehensive look on his face was quite unsettling and alien to you. You, much like Izaya, only ever saw one side of Shizuo Heiwajima.
And this wasn't it.
"Hey," he began, voice still raw from having just woke. "I uh... I don't know your life story or anything, but..." Shizuo fumbled through his words, gaze sliding sideways, "but even if that blood sucker "saved" you, or whatever... just know that- that you don't owe a bastard like that anything. And you, well uh, you shouldn't stay with him if it isn't what you want."
Red. You saw red. A momentary flicker of rage clouded your mind. But then your eyes welled with tears to wash it all away.
What I want...
No one had ever asked you what you wanted. Not once. No one's ever asked me what I've wanted, before.
Shizuo Heiwajima turned his back and walked away without another word.
You stood there as the sun rose, deadly still and silent.
And then, with a wail, you cried.
---
You spent all morning and afternoon moping about your apartment.
The one sided conversation with Shizuo floated around in your head, taking precedence over everything else. One question stood out above all else.
What do I want?
What do I want?
What do I want?
Shizuo's words were sharper than any of his blows.
You knew your role. Gopher. Follower. Pawn.
So the question remained, why did you stay?
Because Izaya saved me, your brain piped up. And yet, you knew that wasn't the whole truth. Dig deeper, dig deeper. But that was hard and scary.
After all of these years... why am I still playing the part of the dutiful pawn?
And then the most obvious conclusion of all came to light.
The tears returned.
---
"Do you know?" You asked him. Quiet. Timid. Shy.
You sat with him, on the roof of some tall building in Ikebukuro. It was night. Izaya smiled down at the glowing city below, hands stuffed in his jacket pockets. "About your pitiful feelings for me? I've known for years. Though, you figured yourself out far quicker than I thought you would."
In an instant the nerves were gone, burned to ash by anger. Of course.
"Everything is just a game to you, isn't it?!"
"Ah, so the cat has claws after all..."
You don't remember the last time you raised your voice at him, if ever.
Izaya seemed taken aback as well, but quickly schooled his expression into stoniness.
"Izaya," voice hoarse, "don't play around with me. Is it too much to ask for you to be transparent for once in your goddamn life!"
"You don't love me," he started. Slowly. Calmly. As though he were trying to convince someone. You. Himself. "You don't love me, you simply see me as your white knight ever since I saved you. I've allowed you to show your affections towards me simply so I could witness how you'd react when you finally discovered your misplaced "feelings" yourself. See, while I may not be transparent, you are. I've seen right through you for years. It's funny, really, how obvious you are to everyone but yourself."
"Stop-"
"-perhaps you think you're somewhat special to me, because I've kept you around all of this time. But need I remind you of my principles? I love all humans equally, even the ones who are uglier on the inside, like yourself."
"Shut up!" You spat. The tears had returned, and Izaya just laughed. "That's it. I'm done, Izaya. If you can't- if you won't tell me the truth- I can't do this anymore."
You left the roof, slamming the door in your wake.
---
It was almost two years before you saw him again.
Temporarily, you moved to live with your cousin in the countryside. You needed an escape, needed to be anywhere but Ikebukuro. Hell, you even sold your shitty apartment.
You spent the days helping out around the farmhouse and taking care of the animals in the barn. It was quite relaxing, to be away from the ever bustling city.
You were upstairs flipping through a book when the doorbell rang. Strange, since your cousin didn't receive too many visitors.
You really should have checked the window before answering.
He looked exactly the same, unlike you in your cowboy boots and button up blouse.
He looked you up and down before speaking, "Ah, the country has done you some good after all. You look well."
You schooled your expression from shock into a blank, unimpressed glare. "Why did you find me, after all of this time, Izaya?"
He took awhile to answer. You thought he might take all day.
But finally, he shifted his weight on the porch and smiled, "I came to apologize, of course."
"Really? Because in all the years I've known you, you've never apologized sincerely to anyone." You drawled.
His eyes shone with annoyance, "do you want an apology or not?"
"Depends."
"On what?"
You crossed your arms. "Depends if you're gonna admit it."
Izaya stalled before replying, "admit what?"
You knew he knew. You even knew that he knew that you knew. And yet here he was, still bullshitting his way through life. Honestly. "Come on, Izaya. If you'll admit why you've really kept me around all of these years, why it is that I'm a special human to you, then I'll go back with you."
"You're- you're not special." he rebutted fiercely. Adamantly. Lying through his teeth, as per usual.
Izaya should have known this was a losing battle from the start. He should have known you'd ask this, ask for the truth. Who wouldn't? Yet he foolishly came all the way out here anyways, hoping against hope that you wouldn't. You did.
He knew the three little words you wanted to hear. But, he couldn't say them. Rather, his heart was too fragile, too brittle- it couldn't handle it. Part of him wanted to say it. To have you, to have a life with you. Part of him knew his poor heart could never do it. He grit his teeth and smiled.
"You're just another human, if not one I might prefer the company of over others."
He watched and analyzed you as your features continued to draw into a frown. "That's not enough. Tell me why, Izaya. Please."
He knew how this ended.
"I can't."
The door slammed in his face. And that was it.
He had lost you.