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The bright luminesce of the stars were burnt into Kanaya's eyes at this point, from how unwavering her gaze stayed at the vast stretch of empty space. Often getting lost in the purple hues, it brought a strange comfort for her, settling a bittersweet wrench in her acid tract that rippled within her emotions.
Kanaya felt nothing more than confused and lost; ever since the day Rose, the person Kanaya had cherished more than anything, the girl whose shoulder she’d sob into and release herself from her emotional wall as she unraveled Rose’s own extreme consciousness of vulnerability, had been whisked away from Dirk, taken advantage by an illness that plagued and drove a stake in what was the pinnacle of bliss in both of their lives.
Pitifully, Kanaya felt akin to a lost barkbeast, abandoned and torn apart from its comfort. Kanaya couldn't even decide her own feelings; whether she was brimming with unbridled and messy rage, her hands aching to clasp around Dirk's scarred neck and yank him around as if he were nothing but a doll, for seeping thoughts into her in order for her to drop her suspicion and let Rose go.
But then once it boiled down, an overwhelming bout of depression swept her, panging her chest and welling up fat, hot pale green tears at the corner of her eyes. The violent desire melted away into a desperate yearn, choking up her throat and weighing heavy on her chest. Instead of her hands being harshly used, Kanaya wanted to caress Rose's, to be engulfed in her wife's soft arms and have Rose's humanely warmth pervade her; warmth that was so incredibly different and irresistibly appealing than troll temperature. If there was one word Kanaya would use to describe Rose, it'd be soft - intoxicatingly soft, just like her personality when they were alone together, her lavender gaze set upon Kanaya as she black lipstick marks along the smoothness of Rose's stomach.
It was pathetic, her thinkpan would tell her, and quietly, Kanaya would agree.
The only thing Kanaya had been doing since she boarded on Jake's borrowed ship in her impromptu wife rescue, was lament in a room by herself, as the stretch of space was all that greeted her. Maybe it'd be best to do something else, more useful and supplement to her plan on taking back what was most precious to her, that would've been the reasonable guess for anyone, especially with how determinedly angry she had been when Dirk's foiled plan unrolled before her feet at the last minute.
But she could barely garner herself to do anything; Kanaya couldn't recount the last time she had a meal, or when her clothes were washed, and the last time she'd slept. Visits from the other passengers were scarce, perhaps because they didn't want to disturb her mourning, but there were still frequent checkups; some from Dave, but mostly from Karkat, although he wouldn't dare to speak much. Kanaya couldn't even think of anything - only deep purple eyes that were like glowing embers, settling a bittersweet warm pool in Kanaya's gut, before the velvet soft feelings were washed into frustration and indignation at piercing orange eyes that smirked at her like a fool.
All Kanaya could simply do was tighten her hands, her claws pricking the tough outer layer of her skin - and all Kanaya could repeat like a mantra in her head was just how unfair everything had been, that if maybe Kanaya had taken less hours in the caverns to tend to her sick wife, instead of hopelessly keeping on with wishes that the pills Rose was prescribed would magically make her headaches disappear; and that Rose would one day flutter her eyes open in the early morning light with buoyance and assurance and smile wide at Kanaya.
Kanaya suddenly felt completely nauseated.
KARKAT: UH
KARKAT: HEY.
Kanaya jumped slightly, startled at the abrupt gruff and familiar sound, which entirely decimated her thoughts in the encompassing dark silence. Swiveling her head around, she saw Karkat stand at the entrance, holding a plate of what seemed to be flat, large discs, while his eyes went wide in hesitation. His other hand pulled mindlessly at the hem of Dave's shirt that he borrowed in an agreement swap with his boyfriend, clearly mentally debating whether he should enter what basically became Kanaya's brooding chamber, or if she wanted to be left alone.
KANAYA: Oh
KANAYA: Hi Karkat
Kanaya gave him a soft smile, which wordlessly allowed Karkat to enter the chamber and leave his hesitation at the threshold.
KARKAT: ROXY WOKE UP AND ERRATICALLY JUST DECIDED TO MAKE ALL THESE GODDAMN FLAT, CIRCULAR BOILED TREE BLOOD DRIZZLED THINGS CALLED "PANCAKES".
KARKAT: DAVE TRIED TEXTING YOU ABOUT IT, BUT HE SAID YOU WEREN'T ANSWERING, SO I THOUGHT I'D SAVE YOU SOME UNTIL MY INSENSIBLE PAN REMEMBERED YOU DON'T EVEN REQUIRE ACTUAL SOLID FOOD MOST OF THE TIME.
KARKAT: SO THEN I ASKED THAT SHITTING WINDBAG I WILLINGLY CALL MY HUMAN BOYFRIEND TO HELP ME POKE MY FINGER A LITTLE, ENOUGH THAT I CAN SMEAR MY FREAKY MUTANT BLOOD ON THE PANCAKES TO YOUR PERSONAL LIKING BUT NOT A CRAP LOAD THAT'LL FLIP DAVE'S ACID TUBES UPSIDE DOWN LIKE SOME SHITTY, PHOBIC CIRCUS TRICK.
KARKAT: SO UH,
KARKAT: YEAH.
KARKAT: HERE.
Karkat settled beside her, pushing the plate to her in the space between them. Kanaya gazed down at the plate, her stomach involuntarily rumbling at the drooling sight of bright cherry red liquid anointed on a small stack of pancakes; though the blood was what drew Kanaya in more.
The fact Karkat even generously donated his own blood onto the meal elevated grateful warmth in her.
KANAYA: Thank You
KANAYA: Thats Very Selfless And Considerate Of You Karkat
KANAYA: And Roxy
KANAYA: For Making The Nutritious Base
KANAYA: His Cooking Has Gotten Better Im Guessing
KARKAT: HOLY FUCK, YEAH. IT'S ACTUALLY EDIBLE NOW, WITHOUT AN URGE TO PRESS MY ARM AGAINST MY STOMACH AND UNLOAD MYSELF IN THE NEAREST LOADGAPER.
KANAYA: Heh
KANAYA: Roses Wasnt Any Better
KANAYA: But The Hopeful Gleam In My Wifes Eyes For My Satisfaction Regarding Her Cooking Persuaded Me Feasibly
KANAYA: I Was More Than Satisfied With Her Requisite For My Nourishment
KARKAT: ...
KANAYA: Im Just Rambling Arent I
KANAYA: Oh Dear
KARKAT: NO, NO, IT'S FINE.
KANAYA: Thank You Again
KARKAT: I MEAN, YOU'RE WELCOME, BUT YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HAD A PROPER MEAL FOR FUCKING WEEKS.
KARKAT: I DON'T THINK TRYING TO LOOK OUT FOR YOU WHILE YOU'RE PRACTICALLY NEGLECTING YOURSELF WARRANTS ANY KIND OF SPINAL CREVICE KISSING AND GRATITUDE. I'M JUST BEING A DECENT FRIEND.
Kanaya laughed, light and almost quiet. Karkat huffed in amusement. Silence quickly followed, as the sweet smell of the pancakes mingled into the air, almost like some sort of comfort.
KARKAT: SO...
KARKAT: UH.
KARKAT: I GUESS IT'S BEEN AWHILE.
KANAYA: I Would Reply With Sarcasm
KANAYA: To Elevate This Noticeable Weight
KANAYA: But I Think Its Too Obvious
Karkat rolled his eyes, but still smiled either way.
KARKAT: I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE.
KANAYA: Uhm
KANAYA: For What
KANAYA: Exactly
Kanaya furrowed her brows, but still stuck her gaze at the purpled sea of stars; something Karkat couldn't help but notice. He swallowed dryly, hooking his claws into the red fabric of his shirt, trying to find something to ground and encourage him to speak.
KARKAT: WELL,
KARKAT: I'VE BARELY CAME TO TALK TO YOU, OR CHECKUP ON YOU FOR THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM.
KANAYA: You Dont Have To
KARKAT: THERE'S LITERALLY NO EXPLICIABLE REASON FOR WHY I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN PEERING INTO THE GLASS AND MAKING SURE YOU HAVEN'T DECOMPOSED, AND ABSOLUTELY NOBODY ELSE KNEW BECAUSE WE'RE IDIOTIC, PRESUMING ASSHOLES THINKING YOU JUST WANT TIME TO BROOD.
KARKAT: BUT
KARKAT: I GUESS I KIND OF WAS... AVOIDING TALKING TO YOU? OR JUST BOTHERING YOU AT ALL.
KANAYA: Why
KARKAT: KANAYA, JUST LOOK AT ME.
Karkat gestured to himself wildly, his expression wide as he pulled his time shirt for emphasis. Kanaya, as hard as she tried, still couldn't exactly seize what he was getting at, prompting Karkat to continue.
KARKAT: THIS FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME IN BLITHERING, LONG YEARS THAT I'VE ACTUALLY FELT HAPPY FOR MYSELF.
KARKAT: I WAS JUST SPAT OUT OF GOD'S REAR END, WENT THROUGH SO MUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT WITH TRYING TO KEEP OUR OLD FRIENDS TOGETHER AND CEASE THEM FROM KILLING ONE ANOTHER, WHICH I FAILED MISERABLY AT, OBVIOUSLY. BUT LET'S NOT DWELL ON THAT SHITFEST FOR ONCE.
KARKAT: LIKE GODDAMN, I CAN'T EVEN LAUNCH MYSELF INTO A TIRADE WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT ALL MY SHORTCOMINGS IN THE PAST!! PAST ME WOULD BE BLOWING A FUCKING FUSE RIGHT NOW WITH HOW UNBELIVABLY MELLOW I'VE BECOME LATELY.
KANAYA: I Still Think You Got It Though
KARKAT: HUH, YEAH.
KARKAT: I GUESS MY THINKPAN FINALLY AMENDED WITH ALL THOSE ISSUES I WAS HUNG UP ON.
KARKAT: I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE CLAWING MY FACE OFF AND BURROWING MYSELF INTO A HOLE LIKE A PETULANT ASSWIPE WHENEVER I REMEMBER HOW MUCH OF AN EMBARASSING FAILURE I WAS WITH HANDLING MY PERSONAL STUFF WITH TEREZI.
KARKAT: I'M HAPPY.
KARKAT: BUT WITH HOW STUPIDLY GLEEFUL I AM NOW WASN'T JUST SOLELY DONE BY ME.
KARKAT: HAVING DAVE THERE HELPED A LOT, MORE THAN I REALLY WANT TO FUCKING ADMIT.
KARKAT: AND WELL... YOU'RE JUST HERE, MOURNING OVER YOUR WIFE WHO WAS ENTIRELY BRAINWASHED BY DIRK MOTHERFUCKING STRIDER AND HIS SUPPLEMENTARY WEIRDO BULLSHIT.
KARKAT: IT'S BEEN, WHAT? TWO YEARS? AND WE STILL HAVEN'T FOUND THE EXACT COORDINATIONS WHERE DIRK BLASTED OFF TO.
KARKAT: I THOUGHT IT'D BE A HUGE DICK MOVE TO EVEN COME TALK TO YOU, WHEN I'M UTTERLY HAPPY AND PRACTICALLY SHITTING OUT PURE EUPHORIA EVERYDAY, WHILE YOU'RE BARELY COMING OUT AND JUST WASTING YOURSELF AWAY.
KARKAT: I DIDN'T WANNA SHOVE MY HAPPINESS IN YOUR FACE.
KANAYA: ...
KANAYA: Karkat
Kanaya spoke soft, a sudden heavy guilt smothering her.
KANAYA: Although I Do Miss Rose
KANAYA: Greatly So
KANAYA: Honestly I Cant Even Pick A Word That Would Appropriately Measure The Same Length To How Much I Just
KANAYA: Yearn For Her Everyday
KANAYA: I Dont Want My Own Issues Burdening You
KANAYA: And The Happiness You Definitely Deserve
KANAYA: I Suppose Somebody Has To Be Happy Here
KARKAT: AND YOU'RE CALLING ME *SELFLESS*??
KARKAT: YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS TOO.
KANAYA: But Then I Lost It
KANAYA: Carelessly
KANAYA: Sometimes It Feels Like I Didnt Do Much As I Possibly Could
KANAYA: When Roses Headaches First Began
KANAYA: We Thought The Pills Would Assuage Somewhat
KANAYA: But It Just
Clutching onto the fabric of her clothes, Kanaya inhaled sharply, a noticeable crack in tone in her voice.
KANAYA: Wasnt Enough
Karkat stared at her in sympathetic silence, as it eventually overtook the volume of the room. The next few minutes was just that, with deafening quietness as the bittersweet lavender hue of the stars casted at the two trolls.
KARKAT: WE'LL FIND HER. AND WE'RE SURE AS HELL NOT GOING TO STOP UNTIL SHE'S BACK IN YOUR ARMS AGAIN AND DIRK IS RIGHTFULLY DEFEATED.
KANAYA: ...
KARKAT: ALSO JUST THROWING THIS OUT HERE
KARKAT: AS SOME PREMATURE IDEA AGAINST A SOUNDBOARD
KARKAT: WHAT IF WE JUST, LIKE, CRASH INTO SOME RANDOM TIMELINE WHERE A ROSE'S KANAYA TRAGICALLY PASSED AWAY, AND WE JUST TAKE HER?
KANAYA: Pfft
KANAYA: Karkat
KANAYA: Thats
KANAYA: Aha
KANAYA: An Absolute No
KARKAT: THAT'S WHAT I WOULD'VE DONE, PERSONALLY.
KARKAT: I MEAN, AT THEIR CORE, IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME PERSON - WITH DIFFERENT CONDITIONS, THAT IS.
KANAYA: I Dont Know
KANAYA: I Love All Roses
KANAYA: I Cant Help It Really
KANAYA: Shes Just Too Intoxicating For Me To Resist
KANAYA: But
KANAYA: If I Happened Upon A Garden Of Roses
KANAYA: I Dont Think Id Be Able To Find Happiness
KANAYA: Id Be Flattered
KANAYA: But None Of Them Would Be
KANAYA: My Rose
KANAYA: My Rose Who Snorts A Little In Her Cute Laughter At Stupid Jokes Only We Get
Karkat nodded, completely understanding. A few more words were exchanged, every small conversation spaced out with comfortable silence, until Karkat rose up to his feet. He placed a secure and comforting hand on his friend's shoulder, to which Kanaya replied with a tired smile.
Kanaya could feel his quick glances back as headed up the stairs, and a long, almost hesitating pause took place before the door softly clicked shut. Weakly, Kanaya took the plate of blood-drizzled pancakes into her lap, staring into it emptily.
In spite of the hunger audibly rumbling in her stomach, her appetite ravenous at this point, Kanaya couldn't push herself to take a blood soaked piece of the pancake into her mouth. All she could think about is Rose, Rose, Rose - and her safety, what Dirk could've done to her, and if her headaches still plagued her vulnerable, humanely soft being.
Her love for Rose was unwavering; and she was confidently sure, frighteningly so, even if Rose had ever done something terrible, Kanaya's syrupy feelings for her wouldn't go away. Her pump biscuit throbbed within her chest.
KANAYA: Rose
KANAYA: My Stubborn Light
KANAYA: Wherever You Are
KANAYA: I Hope Youre Okay