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“Keigo…” Dabi sighed upon seeing the endless amount of empty KFC buckets in the garbage. It was funny at first - but now it was becoming a legitimate problem. They simply couldn’t afford this, not to mention the amount of cholesterol, grease, and sodium that his husband has been consuming is going to lead to a hospitalization they also can’t afford. Hawks’ hero paycheck could only afford so much (and the majority of it goes to his husband’s shopping sprees at Target).
“Hm?” Hawks asked, gnawing on a chicken bone. Like a feral bird.
“What else do you eat besides fried chicken? Do you realize how much all of your trips to KFC cost? Keigo -“
“I get a discount, babe…I am a hero , after all.” He smiled, picking up another chicken bone to gnaw on.
Baby Houou hissed, chomping on a spare chicken breast. The other two demon babies followed suit.
Dabi sighed again, pushing away the bucket of chicken Hawks was offering. “We need to do more cooking to save money. And eat better. We’ll be dead by forty at this rate.”
Hawks whined. “It’s so hard with the kids, though…Touya, sometimes it’s easier to order KFC, especially after a very long day of being the sexiest hero in Japan…”
“Keigo, please ,” Dabi sighed. “Can you at least try?”
Hawks paused gnawing on his chicken bone. He could hear his husband was being sincere.“Do you want to be a househusband?”
“We can…we can take turns maybe.”
“Babe…remember that time I tried making eggs?”
“I remember you laying eggs.”
“Remember when the fire department came—”
Dabi opened his mouth.
“The one time it wasn’t your fault. Or the kids?”
Ah.
The fire department won’t even come to their apartment anymore. The amount of money they spend on fire extinguishers alone is through the roof. They literally blocked Hawks’ number.
“If I can’t even cook eggs , Dabi-kun, without the fire extinguisher…!”
“I can help you, pretty bird.”
Hawks frowned. Yes, he was the mommy hen, but this was not part of the plan. Okay, having his children eat chicken solely probably wasn’t the best, but…
Dabi grabbed onto Hawks’ hand—cringing upon realizing it felt like pure grease —but decided to hold his tongue. “It’s cooking. How bad could it be?”
*~*
It was bad. Hawks decided to munch on some of Inko’s leftover edibles (because she said they were made with love) and he might have consumed too much. He had terrible cottonmouth. He was so high he could not even flutter his wings. His feathers felt like deadweights dragging across the floor.
After what felt like a 30 minute walk into the kitchen, Hawks slammed the cookbook he borrowed from Inko onto the counter. Thank All Might that Dabi wasn’t here to see this.
And now Hawks wanted to cry! Because he was planning on cooking a nice meal for Dabi, for their family, but he got too high and might potentially start another fire again.
Hawks stared closely at the time. Okay. He had about an hour or so before Dabi came back home with the kids from the playground. He could do this.
He opened the cookbook to a basic baked chicken recipe. It didn’t sound too enticing because nothing was fried, but it was a starting point. Fruity Baked Chicken.
Dabi would die laughing. Hawks is laughing right now.
Did they even own any fruit???
A lemon is a fruit right? Tomato? Apple?
He decided to chop up whatever fruits and vegetables he could find into a bowl. The recipe was spiraling off of the page due to his fucked vision, but he must be getting at least some of this right.
He didn’t have much spices, but there was cinnamon…? Whatever. He dumped nearly the entire bottle of cinnamon into the bowl. And a pinch of salt for good measure. The disgusting fruit and vegetable mixture was dumped into a brownie pan. And placed the chicken breasts on top.
Okay. It didn’t look appetizing at all. But he was trying. He was a momma hen. But the chicken needed some kind of crust!
Hawks ripped open the cabinet door. There were no breadcrumbs. (That was all given to the local ducks). But there was… Fruity Pebbles?
His sober-self would have vomited at this point. But his high-self was laughing hysterically at the image of a fruity-baked chicken with fruitier cereal as its crust. It was so gay. He was gay. So was his food. Pride colors. Touya was going to be so proud.
He decided to cook the disgusting concoction for 18 minutes (and at a lower temperature than usual, he wasn’t about to start another fire). And waited.
He could hear his kids down the hallway screaming. Oh no! They were coming home already? But the chicken wasn’t done yet! What is he going to do?? His poor family is going to be so hungry.
So he promptly shoved a chair against the door to prevent any of them from coming inside the apartment.
He could hear Dabi sigh. Again. “Keigo…” He started pointedly at the chair the door pushed right into. This always happened when he was high. “You do realize this can’t keep me from coming in, right? The door is pull from the outside.”
“IT’S NOT READY!” Hawks screeched, flailing his deadweight wings. His wing smacked into the nearby lamp. It shattered into pieces.
“Keigo… Babe, relax,” Dabi frowned. “What’s going on?”
“I-I wanted to surprise you by m-making a healthy meal.” Hawks stuttered, tears streaming down his face. His children wandered into the living room area. “I thought it would be ready.”
Dabi brushed a stray tear from his face—it was weirdly intimate. Or maybe he was just really high. Maybe both. Probably both. “Pretty bird,” he said, and Hawks shivered because hearing that was so good — OK he was definitely high. “I’m sure whatever you made, it must be delicious.”
Hawks just wanted to cry harder. “Dabi-kuuun~, now you’re going to be disappointed! It’s…it’s supposed to be chicken?”
“What do you mean supposed to be…? Is that….Fruit cooking?” Dabi walked towards the kitchen to investigate.
Hawks wanted to scream. So he did. He was not cut-out for the momma hen homemaker role. Even if his apron said otherwise.
“Keigo, relax ! Have some water, watch the Minions, you always like to watch the Minions while high…” The oven started to ding.
It was ready. And Hawks’ life was flashing before his eyes as Dabi opened the oven to reveal…. that .
“DABI-KUN, WAIT—“
Dabi stared. And continued to stare. “Are those….” he pointed at the slightly burnt Fruity Pebbles, speechless. “And is that…” He pointed at the crisped lemon.
Hawks felt absolutely defeated. He felt as if he was starting to come down from his high, and it wasn’t a good feeling. “…Yes.”
And Dabi… laughed . Genuinely fucking laughed . Hawks hasn’t heard him laugh this hard for a while .
“Touya, I’m so sorry—”
“Keigo! Are you kidding me? This is amazing .”
“But it’s inedible!”
“…Yeah, it is.” Dabi started to laugh again. And now Hawks didn’t feel as terrible.
“Why are you happy about this?” Hawks asked, laughing in spite of himself.
“Only the fruitiest man would come up with something like this. My fruity man.”
“Dabi-kun…” Hawks’ heart fluttered. (Like his wings literally were). “I promise, next time, I will bake it without the fruit.”
“Oh don’t worry. I’m definitely having fruity baked chicken tonight.”
“Didn’t you say it was inedible…—OH!” Hawks waggled his eyebrows. “Let’s order some KFC and put the kids to bed~”
Hawks laid another egg the next day.
~*the end*~