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The heavens poured down heavy rain on the day they buried him.
“This is the only way of concluding Operation Strix. Your wife and child must not learn of your true identity. And WISE with it. It is too risky.” The director of the Westalian Intelligence had told him solemnly. Officially killing off Loid Forger.
What did he expect coming into this mission?
Because of course that was what’s going to happen since even before this operation started. It started with him alone. And it will end with him alone, too.
Except that it won’t just affect him. It will affect Yor and Anya too. His wife. His daughter.
The two of them will be left to their own devices, a mother and a little girl that wasn't even truly hers in the first place. Granted, they both will be provided with financial support and everything else by WISE, disguised as governmental aids for a single mother. Anya would still be eligible to attend Eden’s Academy, WISE pulling all the strings necessary to keep up what little semblance of the girl’s old life after losing a father.
But after involving 2 innocent people for the sake of accomplishing a secret intelligence mission, will all the money in the world be worth the time and feelings they had as a family? Even if they were all pretend to begin with.
Which brought Twilight’s mind back to Yor.
He wasn’t all that surprised to find out that Yor had insisted on being Anya’s mother and official legal guardian, despite them starting out this whole thing for their own benefits. Because of course she would. He would be a fool to think she would offer Anya anything less.
Twilight attended his own funeral with a disguise on. Loid Forger’s funeral.
Because somehow, WISE cared enough to give both Yor and Anya some kind of closure. Of course they would, he managed to deflect a future war by completing Operation Strix with major success. It was the least WISE could do.
But despite the success of Operation Strix, Twilight can’t help but feel like a failure as he watched them lowered the coffin to the ground.
Because those were real tears that were being shed by Yor. Nothing but grief adorned her usually serene exterior. She watched the coffin silently, bloodshot eyes streaming quiet tears down her cheeks.
His strong, calm and gentle Yor. Crushed by sorrow through the lies of a man with no identity of his own. A pawn for his country.
And there was Anya too. No tears on her face as she gripped Yor’s hand, eyes downcast.
Till this day, even with Operation Strix concluded, he could not for the life of him figure out what she was thinking. She may not be as bright as some, but there were times where she proved to be highly intuitive. Seemingly able to grasp other’s emotions well. But that made him wonder if that made her blind to her own emotions in return.
He had expected her to cry. Perhaps even make a scene. But the little girl has been silent ever since the day they announced his death.
Psychiatrist Dr. Loid Forger dead in a tragic car crash.
The article itself were tweaked and written by one of WISE’s insider for the publishing company. Handler had taken it upon herself to give due condolences to both Yor and Anya at their home, disguised as the assistant head of Berlint General Hospital. Even went to the extent of offering a cheque with a generous amount written on it. Because that was all WISE could offer them after stringing along both of their lives for the sake of a mission they weren’t even aware of in the first place.
Paying for the deceived time offered, deceived feelings of love, comfort, joy and finally, the heartbreak that soon came along.
It was a fucked up way of concluding this mission but WISE was not willing to take any chances of blowing their cover, not after the major success of Operation Strix.
It is for the greater good, his director had told him.
So Twilight, like the pawn he was and ever will be, stood back and watched the grand finale of this mission he fought so hard for unravel like a clusterfuck.
Stood back as he did now in his pathetic disguise, watching his little family mourn for an empty coffin.
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Like all he had been doing for most of his life, Twilight kept to the shadows.
Standing to the back amongst the several people waiting for the bus in the stand, he pretended to read his papers as the bell rang from the school across the road, signaling the end of classes for the day. Elementary students scattered out from the school gate, some into the awaiting arms of their parents, some continued to walk home, and some into awaiting cars. A number of the students would cross the road to wait at the stand where he’s currently at.
And like always, one particular student with a head of pink hair would be amongst the group of students passing the road towards the bus stand.
Anya.
Despite having his disguise on, of a wrinkly mask and a fake moustache, Twilight couldn’t help but to pull his hat lower over his face and mindlessly scanned the words on the newspaper in front of him. The group of elementary students approached the stand as he continued to pretend reading, all while being very aware of a certain pink-haired girl. From his peripheral vision, he saw Anya seemed to stop a few feet away from him. Ignoring her obvious staring, Twilight flipped over to the next page of his papers and carried on with his fake reading.
He had been doing this since his "death", checking up on Anya whenever he can through whatever ways were possible. And almost every time, Anya would never fail to somehow notice him. Sometimes he wondered if his disguise game were getting weaker and she knows that it was him. Or if she was just truly a curious child by nature.
Mercifully, Anya shifted her gaze away from him and went on to sit at the seat in front of him. He watched as she swung her legs while laughing with one of the students. A classmate, probably? Twilight knew it was probably just his eyes deceiving him, but she seemed to have grown a few inches since he last saw her 2 weeks ago. Her hair has definitely gotten longer too, pink hair being tied into neat twin braids. A small smile bloomed on his lips as she continued swinging her legs back and forth, hand moving here and there animating her words.
She can never keep still, Twilight thought to himself fondly.
He continued to thoughtlessly scan the article in front of him for the next few minutes when he heard Anya shouting at the top of her lungs.
“Mama!”
Twilight’s heart skipped a beat at that and he lifted his head to see a dark-haired woman approaching the stand.
Clad in her work uniform and hair tied-up in its usual bun, Yor stooped into a kneel and beamed as the pink-haired girl ran into her outstretched arms. They both hugged each other for a moment before Yor pulled back, face still pulled into a huge grin and asked Anya about her day at school.
There were days when Yor herself would come and pick up Anya from school, instead of the usual school bus. He sometimes wondered if she did it to make sure Anya doesn’t feel as lonely as she should. To make up for the heavy absence of a departed father.
Heart suddenly heavy, Twilight looked away and went back to stare at the newspaper in his hands. He could sense them both moving to leave the bus stand when he heard Yor said, “Anya, what’s wrong?”
From the corner of his eye, he saw Yor and Anya holding hands, the former a step ahead as Anya stood back. The girl turned to look in his direction for a moment after that. As if contemplating herself. Twilight tried his best to appear calm and continued to read, the words not registering in his brain at all as he silently willed Anya to walk away with Yor.
“Everything all right, Anya?” Yor asked again, softly, though Twilight could sense a slight edge in her tone, as if she was wary. He couldn’t possibly turn to look, but he guessed that Yor was following Anya’s gaze, turned towards him. As if sensing Yor’s growing tension, Anya shook her head and walked forward, pulling Yor with her.
Twilight could feel Yor’s gaze lingering on him for a few seconds before turning back around, focusing on her walk with Anya. After a few moments, he lifted his head and turned to watch them both walking away from him. Yor’s lips pulled into a soft smile as Anya rambled about her day at school, one hand securely holding the girl’s while swinging their joined hands back and forth.
He went on to watch after their retreating form with a growing lump in his throat.
At least they’re both doing fine without him. He tried to tell himself. In spite of that, the thought just made his heart heavier and stomach twisted. After a while, the two of them rounded the corner and Twilight still couldn’t find it in himself to look away from where they vanished from his sight. As if by doing so, he was willing the moment to pass slower and if he tried, he could still imagine them both there, walking side by side, smiling and laughing.
Snapping himself back to reality, Twilight shook his head to clear his thoughts. Right, he had another mission to attend to after this. Tucking the newspaper into his coat, he turned to walk in the opposite direction where both Yor and Anya went to.
He had to continue what he was doing if he wished for them both to continue smiling and laughing like that.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Twilight watched from across the road as Yor hugged and waved at Anya as the girl got on the school bus, 3 tote bags on the ground to the side of her feet. She continued waving till the bus turned the corner and vanished from sight. Then, she bent down to pick up the bags and hoisted 2 of them on each of her shoulders, the last one she gripped in her right hand. Twilight knew her physical strength surpasses his, but he still felt like he should be there, helping her with the burdens. Because that’s what good husbands do.
But he isn’t one, is he now? Neither a husband nor a good one at that.
Yor then turned the opposite direction and made her way to the city hall. As a measure of keeping it discreet, Twilight kept a few steps back as he followed her even if she was on the pedestrian walk across the road from his.
Initially, he didn’t want to do this, the thought of stalking and spying on his former fake wife as creepy as the actual action of doing it. However, with the success of Operation Strix, there were only so much mission in Ostania that were available. Missions which were minor enough that WISE never deemed Twilight’s expertise to be necessary for its execution.
He took them all, regardless.
Even got to the point of formally requesting that all missions taking place in Ostania be operated by him. An action which Handler softly sighed at but still pulled enough strings to make it possible for him. He didn’t have to tell her why he did it though. No point in pointing out the obvious. He did wonder sometimes, though, if he was being selfish by doing this, when there were other major missions in other countries that he should be on.
But now, looking at Yor’s walking figure from afar made him realized that he didn’t mind being selfish. Not for this. The rare moments where he got to check on his family and how they were holding up. But it was always from afar though, never close enough to touch and talk to. He couldn’t risk it. Not when he knew that the moment he got close enough, his throat would close up and his eyes burn.
From guilt or longing, he didn’t know. Perhaps it was both.
After a few minutes of walking, the sight of the appearing city hall made him walked slower. As if by doing so, he could prolong the moment. Before Yor could get into the building however, one of the many bags she carried dropped from her shoulder and inevitably hit the ground. The contents of the bag which looked to be a few food containers rolled away from her and Yor struggled to pick them up what with the many people passing through and the bags on her hand and shoulders.
Twilight scowled as none of the people passing by bothered to help her. Each one of them rushing to get wherever they needed to and swerved around Yor and her fallen food containers.
Assholes.
Before he could second-guess himself, Twilight strode across the road and got to Yor’s side of the pedestrian walk. He bent down and picked up the 2 containers on the ground, each of them warm with food content as he slowly approached Yor, his heart thumping loudly in his ears.
Yor looked up from where she was bent down picking up one container nearest to her and smiled in gratitude at him. That made his heart clench, because she wasn’t exactly smiling at him, not with the mask and disguise on his face.
He extended the containers to her and she accepted them with thanks before putting them in one of the bags on her shoulders.
“Do you need help with that?” Twilight pointed to the many bags.
Yor looked down at herself and laughed sheepishly. “No, but thank you for your kind offer. I’m actually just heading for the city hall. I can manage the few steps over there.” She pointed out to the building several feet behind them.
“Oh, I see. You seemed to be struggling, so I wouldn’t mind helping you carry some of the bags inside.” Twilight tried again, if only so he could continue talking to her. How long has it been since he was able to talk to her like this? See himself reflected in her ruby red eyes, lips upturned in a shy smile.
“No, really. Didn’t realize how fast I was going and the bag just slipped. Sorry for the trouble. Sometimes I just can never get things right.” She sighed to herself and looked down to the ground.
Twilight frowned at her words and somehow, he can’t help the words that fell from his mouth. “I know I’m no more than a stranger to you, but I personally feel like it’s fine if you slip up once in a while. We all have good days and bad days.”
Yor looked up at him then, eyes wide in surprise. Shit, did he say too much?
She stared at him for a while and Twilight didn’t know what else to do as he held her gaze. A few seconds later, Yor’s expression softened and she has a sad smile on her lips as she said “You remind me of my husband”.
It was his turn to be surprised by her words and he can’t help the sudden tight feeling in his chest as he clenched his fist. He tried to speak up but the growing lump in his throat prevented any words from spilling out.
This was why he never dared to get close. Because his body would betray him just like how he betrayed his family.
She continued to smile up at him, unaware of how he was breaking down on the inside “He used to tell me something along that line. That it’s okay to have a weakness of our own. He really was a good man. Thank you for reminding me. Though that was probably coincidence on your part.” She chuckled.
Twilight tried not to flinch at her words. Was. If only she knew, that the dead husband she was talking about was standing right in front of her. Lying to her face, yet again.
And for a moment, Twilight debated telling her. That it was him. That he came back. Just to see her. Debated in risking it all just so he can have it all back. His family back.
But before he could so much as open his mouth, a holler from afar snapped Yor’s attention from him.
“Oi Yor! Who’s that man you’re flirting with?” It was Camilla, hollering from the front of the city hall’s gate and carrying a few bags of her own. He assumed they were having a party at work later on, judging from the containers of food Yor carried in her own bags.
“Oh! I’ve got to get going. Thank you again for your help and kind words! I really appreciate it.” Yor smiled one last gentle smile at him, before she turned around and hurried off towards Camilla who was waiting for her at the stairs entrance of the city hall building.
It was all he could do not to reach out to her, caving to the need of wanting to tell her everything. Every single truth. Every feeling. Every look. Every smile of hers that he memorized in his heart. Every memory. Everything just so things could go back to the way that it was. No matter how fake it was.
Because the feelings that rose from those fake situations were real. He didn’t know how it slipped through his hardened exteriors that he built for years, but it did. And it stayed.
Some would debate that it wasn’t even love. And perhaps it really wasn’t. But it was not nothing either. Small as it was, the affection and comfort of a family for someone who has been lonely for as long as he did gave him something to feel. Something warm, bright and kind.
And he wanted more.
People like us can’t afford to have feelings.
Frankie’s words settled like heavy stone in his stomach. As ridiculous as he likes to think Frankie really is, he can’t deny the fact that what he said was right. They were comrades. He was the only other person that would understand where this espionage path would take them. Their loved ones. It was too risky to involve someone else. Which was exactly why he faked his own death and left Yor and Anya, why he went back to Westalis because that was were he came from. They were people from opposite sides. He already accomplished what he could to avoid war from both sides. At least now, he can be rest assured that Anya will grow up without being haunted by the wreckage of war. Like he did as a child.
Yor is with her, too. She’s the strongest person he’s ever met, and she loves Anya as if she was her own. There was no one else he would trust Anya with.
But even so, he can’t help the feeling of wanting to do it all with her. Because somewhere along the line, he started to wonder what it would be like to be normal. What it would be like to have a family, free from the pretences. His defenses that he built for so long started to fall. His traitorous heart along with it.
The bell in the tower above the city hall tolled. That was his cue to move on to the next mission assigned for him in this country. Or rather, the one he willingly took just so he could take one more glance at his family again.
Someday, he promised himself. Maybe someday he would come back to them. But for now, he’ll keep watch of them from afar.
His own little beloved family.