Archive of Our Own

Neil Josten had always loved nature. From the day he was born, he always found comfort in nature that he could never find in people. People were cruel, violent, unpredictable, deadly. People were chasing him, betraying him, hurting him. People were forcing him to lie, to bury everything until any real part of him disappeared. People were making him run away, making him unreal, a nothing. He couldn’t trust people, couldn’t rely on them. And even if he could, he would only have bruises from them, and a life that had no purpose.

But there was one thing that could never turn him down.

Nature was wild and unique anywhere he would go, but it was safe. Like Neil, nature was underestimated, hurt and abused. It couldn’t lie or force him to lie. Nature would only hurt him if he disrespected it. If he knew it well, then it could never betray him, and would always be an ally. Nature was safety. Nature was a place to hide, to forget, to breathe, to disappear, to be. Nature was free, and Neil had always held onto that freedom, that wilderness, till “one day, I will be free too”, as he kept telling himself as a child.

Nowadays, even if he slowly worked out to become a real person, that his past was buried and that he didn’t have to run anymore, nature still stayed the one thing that could keep him safe. Whenever it was too much, or that his past was running back to him, in dreams or in real life, he would always find comfort and safety in nature. He would walk to the forest three streets away from his little house, and spend as much time there as he could, breathing the cool air and listening to the wanders of life.

Which was why, after stumbling into a man that looked too much, too much like his father, Neil had run his panic attack away, going to the only place he could think of, running and running and running until he would be out of breath.

He knew his dad was dead and buried. He had seen it himself, remembered vividly how he had felt at that moment, seconds away from getting cut to pieces, watching his father get a bullet in the head instead. The relief that had come, for his last breath to not be taken in that basement. He remembered the long hours talking to his uncle, then the police, then his uncle again, trying to figure out a way for him to be, now that he was free of what was threatening him for so long. But in that moment, when he looked into icy blue that reminded him too much, too much- he hadn’t been able to control the way his heartbeat had dropped, the way he had stopped breathing, had almost stumbled to the ground because of how hard he had flinched, before going backwards, backwards until he was running like his life depended on it. He didn’t even know where his feet were taking him, and honestly, he didn’t care, he couldn’t care. He just needed to run, run, run.

Never look back.

Neil kept running until everything around him disappeared. It was just him, running, alone, safe. He could’ve kept going for hours or days, face angled straight forward but unaware of anything surrounding him. He kept running, except for when he suddenly almost collapsed on the ground, his arms automatically moving to get a grip on anything around him to keep himself from falling face first into the bushes. He was breathless, his heartbeat still uncontrollable, but this time because of the run and not the panic attack. Little by little, he began to see straight as he regained strength, grounded by the calm and wild nature around him. As he gained a more even breathing, his eyes finally started tracing his surroundings. He hadn’t even realized he had gotten out of the small forest paths and was now deep into the wilderness, probably the reason why he had almost fallen the minute before.

To his surprise, he didn’t seem to recognize anything around him. He knew the forest well now, going there almost every day since he moved to Columbia three months ago. Having a forest near where he could do long runs was the only condition he had when talking to Stuart and trying to build himself a real life. His uncle had ended up making him move here, assuring him this city would be the best for him. And it had been indeed. But the forest was huge, and Neil hadn’t had the time to fully explore it yet, only having run through the parts closest to his house. So Neil found himself in the middle of the forest he suddenly didn’t know at all, with no idea where he came from or where to go.

But it seemed that it was what he needed, to get lost and find his way back. He could still feel bits of panic inside of him and needed to find a way back to safety, a way back to himself. He had no idea how much time he had spent running, but he figured it was still morning. He had plenty of time to get back.

He decided to let himself explore this part of the forest a little, not too eager to go back home yet. He was certainly getting himself even more lost than he already was, but he didn’t mind the tiniest bit. Here in this unknown place, he was at peace. He could finally forget about this morning’s encounter, burying it deep inside of him like all memories of his father or his life on the run.

It wasn’t often he had panic attacks that bad. He kept having them since Baltimore, but through the weeks they had slowly become shorter and weaker. When they happened, he always ran, and always somehow ended up in the forest. That’s why here, surrounded by trees, alone in the wild, he could forget his past, forget the face of the man who still haunted every one of his nightmares.

Neil didn’t know how much time he spent there, having still no idea of where the hell he was, but he was beginning to love a lot that part of the forest. It was so much more... dense. Wilder. Freer. Neil was finding peace in this place like he had never found anywhere else since Baltimore. Maybe it was because of this morning’s panic attack, or maybe it was really the place that was that comfortable. Either way, he kept exploring, ignoring the tiny cuts he was sometimes getting on his ankles from how wild nature was there.

He kept walking and exploring with no one in sight, no sound coming to him except for birds and the wind. He kept walking, until he caught sight of a little wooden forest shelter a few dozen yards away. It was beautiful. It wasn’t the usual rushed shelters that were made by kids or people who didn’t put their everything into it. This one was little but strong, each branch straight and of the same length, and seemed to have been made with precision and time. It was odd, considering the wilderness around it that was telling Neil that very few people, or most likely none, were usually going to that area.

When Neil, curious as ever, got closer to it, he started to make up a trail of smoke leaving the shelter, lighting up some hope inside of him. He hadn’t been concerned about not finding any clue to get him home, but he had to admit that the tiny responsible part of him was glad to finally find someone.

The person must’ve heard him coming, because the next thing Neil knew, he was staring at blond hair as a broad figure dressed in all black was standing up. A man turned to face Neil, cigarette still burning in his right hand, and clear blue met hazel as the stranger looked at him suspiciously. The man seemed to be studying him, his face completely blank and unflinching. No emotion could be read on his expression, but he was still facing him in a way that demanded something.

His hazel eyes were not leaving his, and Neil didn’t know how much time they stayed like this looking at each other. It was strange and unusual, but Neil didn’t feel any threat, embarrassment or awkwardness, the type he was used to feeling when meeting people’s eyes. Here, he was left searching. For what, he didn’t know, but there was something in that stranger, a darkness in that blank expression that was driving Neil to wonder.

After what felt like ages, the stranger looked away from Neil, taking his cigarette back to his lips. A few seconds later, he finally spoke. "What are you doing here."

It didn’t really sound like a question, more like a fact. But a fact that needed an explication.

There was a bland apathy in the stranger’s voice, but it hadn’t startled Neil. It had grounded him, bringing him back to reality. He hadn’t even realized he had slipped away.

"I’m lost." Was the only truth that could come out of his mouth. Which evidently wasn’t what the stranger wanted to hear, because he just raised an eyebrow, still looking at him. It made Neil continue. “I was running, but I didn’t pay attention to the surroundings. I have no idea where I am."

The stranger stayed silent for a few seconds, still not taking his eyes off Neil. He could feel his gaze pierce through his layers and go straight to all that was buried deep. It was unsettling, but his own body seemed to be welcoming it rather than pushing it. Neil couldn’t figure out why. He was almost expecting something, he realized, but the stranger just looked away again, put out his cigarette, and left without a word.

Confused, Neil asked. “Where are you going?”

The stranger didn’t care to acknowledge him, only putting more distance between them.

Neil had a feeling that the man would’ve told him to fuck off if he had wanted him to, so he decided to follow him. They didn’t know each other, but he did it anyway. It seemed like this man knew exactly where he was going, like he had walked this way a thousand times before. The other man didn’t seem to be the kind of person to eagerly help people, but still Neil doubted he was taking him anywhere deeper into the forest. Neil was now certain he would find his way back home.

If the stranger realized that Neil was following him, he didn’t say so, rather ignoring him and walking silently out of the forest.

They got out of the forest surprisingly fast, and Neil recognized the sight immediately. They were in Columbia, South of the forest, about half an hour away from his house. Neil felt more relaxed now that he knew where he was, and kept walking behind the stranger, studying him once again. The daylight of the city was making him look different, more real. Neil could now point out exactly everything, from his blond hair tingling from his neck to the uneven surface of the black armbands he wore, revealing that he was most certainly hiding something in them. Neil didn’t ask, though. It was none of his business.

The stranger, though, didn’t seem so quiet anymore as he flashed out in annoyance. “Why are you still here”, he said coldly after taking a turn and realizing Neil had still followed him. His voice rang in Neil’s ears, and he stared at him, surprised he was being talked to again. He knew the other couldn’t see him, but Neil smiled anyway when he told him he lived in North Columbia.

The stranger didn’t care to reply and they both continued their way home until the stranger eventually turned left. Before the man could get far enough to not hear him anymore, however, Neil sent out a “thank you” in his direction. Whether he had heard him or not, the man didn’t let Neil know.

But hazel was still wondering inside Neil’s head when he made his way back home.

----------

It was only days later that Neil decided to go to the newfound part of the forest again. It wasn’t really close to where he lived, so he had to walk a long half hour before even entering the forest from where he and the stranger had gotten out the other day. He also still had had to talk about a few things with Stuart. It had been three months, but there were still things that needed to be done or covered. His father’s men weren’t all dead or arrested yet, so Neil and his uncle were keeping in touch once a week, by call or sometimes even by Stuart himself visiting Neil. He suspected his uncle was blaming himself a little for never trying to do anything more for both Neil and Mary. He was much more present than Neil ever thought he would be, but after so much time surviving alone in the last few years, Neil found himself unbothered by it.

So between Stuart, his new job as a translator, and still figuring out how to have a good night of sleep without having nightmares or waking up in a sudden panic, he hadn’t had much time to really explore. He had gone for a few walks and runs, but had stayed to his known parts of the forest.

But today came with nothing to do but let his need for wilderness grow, so he took the long way and tried to go back to where he had left the forest the other day. The stranger hadn’t left by taking any common path, but Neil quickly found one not so far. He would wait to be farther from the city before going deep into the wilderness. He didn’t want to lose himself just yet.

Long minutes passed and he was completely lost in the overwhelming life around him, eyes anywhere but in front of him, so much that he would’ve missed the man if not for a deep voice he too quickly recognized to lure him back to reality.

"Give me one reason not to put a knife in your stomach for seeing your face once again."

Neil first startled and stared at the man, confused and surprised to even see his stranger again. He had never thought he would stumble upon him again. Neil had been so sure somehow. But he had thought even less of seeing him here, on a forest alley. Maybe Neil had been wrong and the stranger had just fallen upon that wooden shelter for the first time too when they had met the other day.

It was only then that the man’s words kicked in, and Neil suddenly couldn’t hold back a smile. Something too easy had settled in and he let his smug features and challenging tone contrast with the same apathy on the blond’s face.

"So now I can't take a walk in the forest?"

The stranger sent him a deadly look, and Neil’s smugness weakened. He could see the darkness in the man's eyes revealing something deep and untrusting.

Neil stayed silent for a few moments, trying to make sense of too many things. He didn’t usually longer on asking himself questions about strangers. They went their way, he went his. He was no threat to them as they were no threat to him on a good day. He never had any particular interest in socially interacting. He knew this was probably why Stuart kept asking him to "meet people, make friends, get a life." But Neil had never had friends. At least not since his mom had taken him that day and ran. Neil had never known what it was. So how could he? He had always been better on his own, with his own past behind him and only his own self to trust. He was fine being alone, not bothering himself with anyone. Neil had already never had anything and always had been nothing. So the little he had now, the gift of being real? It was enough, and all that he needed.

But there was something in the darkness of the stranger's eyes, a heavy shade of something he couldn’t exactly fathom. Something that not only left Neil to wonder, but hit him with understanding. It was a shade he recognized in himself the rare times he came across a mirror. Something that made him believe that maybe he wasn’t alone anymore. His past may be his and his only, but here was lying a darkness few people knew. It was something that left Neil with nothing to do but drop his voice and answer with honesty. He didn’t know why, but the truth was pushing and begging to get out, for the first time. But somehow, Neil knew the fall would be safe. "Nature is the only place I can just be.” He said silently. The next words almost got out, but he stopped them just in time. It’s the only safe place.

His eyes looked up to the stranger then, and he was surprised to find the man looking at him with something new. There was the same blank expression, but Neil saw something flickering behind those hazel eyes, like a flash of recognition, of change.

But despite the change in his expression, after a long time looking at Neil, he said, “that wasn’t even half of what I asked you. Don't make me repeat myself." 

Neil let out a small laugh. “Technically, you didn’t ask anything.” But Neil didn’t get any reaction from the man, nothing except a new sharpness in his eyes. He dropped his voice and continued.

"I live in Columbia and go to the forest almost every day." Neil wasn’t finished, but the man didn’t let him.

“I’d never seen you before," he said accusingly.

"Because I was never going to that part of the forest before. As I told you last time, I live up North," he confessed. "But here it’s-" he stopped. "The wilderness. I like it better."

The man then looked at him for a very, very long time. Somehow, despite the untrust, they had kept walking side by side the whole time. Now hazel met blue once again and any other color seemed to disappear. Eventually, the man turned his head back in front of him, looking ahead while they both continued walking. He didn’t say anything else, but Neil didn’t mind. There was that same flame of wonder inside of him, and this time, he let it burn.

The next time the stranger turned, Neil didn’t follow.

----------

The week after, Neil had much more free time to go walk or run in the forest, so that’s exactly what he did. He spent mornings or entire afternoons there, exploring and losing himself in the life around him. It was refreshing, to be there early in the morning or late in the evening, when no one was around and he could be alone with the wilderness. When he could be. 

He hadn’t seen the stranger again for a few days. He kept going to new parts of the forest, but not exactly where they had seen each other before. He kept his walks and runs quiet, never talking to anyone except when he occasionally apologized for accidentally running into someone when he was lost in the life around him, trying not to think of the way they always flinched at the sight of his scars.

He was now walking silently through the wilderness, inventing himself a path in the middle of nowhere. He never really kept track of where he went, because every time he would just find a path and a way back home. After all his years on the run, his sense of direction was quite good, and he knew how to survive if he just paid attention. Sometimes though, like today, he wouldn’t stumble upon a path in a long time. He would just keep walking, watching the sun move through the sky, knowing it was already the afternoon.

Neil hadn’t had any lunch, but he wasn’t hungry. Those past few months not only left him with troubled sleep, but he also had less appetite. It was alright, he was fine. He still wore long-sleeved shirts and leather gloves whenever he went out in the city, still couldn’t look into the mirror, still felt his heart racing and stuttering every time he looked at the scars on his arms and hands. But it was fine. He was fine. The only scars he couldn’t hide were the ones on his face. He knew he couldn’t do anything for those, but they were one of the reasons why Neil always preferred going into the wilder parts of the forest, where there was no path, no alley, no one to look at him with horror or protectively tuck their child close with a hand covering their eyes.

Neil couldn’t erase or forget his past, but he was learning to live with it every day that passed. He had learned to turn off other people, not pay attention to them anymore. But he had spent his whole life paying attention to every move, every look. Survival instincts were hard to let go of.

He was alone as always, far from forest paths, and hadn’t realized he had gotten closer to the place he had accidentally gone to the first time he lost himself here. He was alone until he wasn’t, until he was staring at the only person who hadn’t flinched, hadn’t shown any reaction at the sight of his scars.

It was something Neil had realized the evening after seeing the blond for the second time. He had shown apathy through every second and every word they had exchanged, but it had still made Neil feel safer, to know that for once, he wasn’t being considered as something dangerous, monstrous or broken.

So there he was, face to face with the stranger again, ten feet apart, in a place that Neil now recognized as close to where they had first met. The man was probably going to the spot he had found him that day, and Neil was probably blocking his way.

Maybe that was why the sharpness in his jaw could be seen so clearly, the rest of his expression still as blank as ever. There was a flash of annoyance there, Neil was sure of it.

It made him smile.

“What can I give to not be murdered around here?”

He remembered their last conversation, remembered the understanding untrust in the other’s eyes. He came to think that the stranger wasn’t really fond of talking to people. Yet here they were again. And he knew it wasn’t for nothing.

"Name" was the only thing that came out of the blond’s mouth.

Neil tried to hide his surprise. He had expected more, but this was more than fine.

"Neil. Neil Josten.” He paused and smiled. “What’s yours?"

"Not your turn.” He said sharply before continuing right away, not letting any time for Neil to protest. “Why do you keep talking to me instead of the trees you seem to love so much." His tone was sharp and biting. It sounded like a stupid question, but Neil could find the true meaning of it. Why are you here smiling and talking to a stranger when you said nature was the only place for you to be. The truth was, Neil didn’t know himself. He tried saving himself instead.

“What? Hey, that isn’t fair!”

The man raised an eyebrow. "I’m doing you a favor by not killing you.”

"What, so you'll keep having truths from me? While I'll get nothing but what, life?" He tried to not think of the idea he just let slip out of his mouth. He wouldn’t see the stranger again. He knew that much. He had been lucky enough already. And Neil Josten was never lucky. Never without a price. So he ignored it and instead looked at the annoyed expression on the blond’s face, clearly calling him bullshit. "I believe in fair trade, don't you?"

The man just looked at him then, clearly still annoyed. But Neil, like the little shit he was, just grinned at him. Something changed in the blond then, a force that pulled at him and made his eyes leave Neil, finding fascination in the tall grass at his right instead. It was almost as if he was trying to hide something. Neil knew better, though.

After a long moment, when Neil thought he was not going to win this one, he heard him. It was rough and quiet, barely a whisper.

"Andrew."

Neil beamed. There was something satisfactory in the way the man, Andrew, was ignoring him, refusing to look at him when they both knew Neil had just won. Andrew was still refusing to look anywhere near Neil, but he somehow must’ve figured out how much trouble Neil was, because he talked again.

“Don’t look at me like that.” Before Neil could throw anything back at him, though, Andrew continued. “Shut up and let me walk. I didn’t come here for your smart mouth to ruin my day.”

With that he just turned and left, Neil still smiling behind him.

----------

Today was quite a good day. They were rare in themselves, and Andrew was only glad not to have to face too many demons for too long. Most days were neutral, neither too good nor too bad. But last night had come without any nightmare and this morning he had woken up slowly and in a mood that wasn’t particularly awful. Even his call with Nicky hadn’t been too boring. He would never admit it to his cousin, but sometimes hearing his annoying whereabouts and stories in which Andrew never found a link, about how amazing his life was in Germany, his and Erik’s jobs, and somehow everything that came to his mind that didn’t seem to have any filter on, wasn’t that horrible. Andrew would sometimes spend an entire hour hearing about his cousin’s life and his never-ending teasing, barely talking. Maybe Nicky knew it helped keep Andrew’s bad thoughts at bay, or maybe he just couldn’t help annoy the few people who were used to it. Either way, Andrew was just glad he could feel a little less heavy today.

Which was probably why, when Andrew saw auburn hair and blue eyes approaching him, greeting him with that damn grin, he didn’t say anything. He didn’t try bribing the other man a truth to let him walk by his side. He instead let his eyes wander on Neil’s body and face, only for too long before looking back forward.

They stayed silent for a few moments, the only sounds breaking that silence being the wind and the few birds singing on this grey afternoon. But he now knew he wouldn’t get lucky for too long. He was starting to get that Neil wasn’t the type to shut that mouth of his easily. He was already surprised Neil had stayed silent for so long. And Andrew had been right, as always, because there it was.

“Why do you come here? In the forest?”

It seemed Neil hadn’t waited to go straight to where he wanted. Smart. Luckily for him that Andrew was in a tolerant enough mood. It was definitely not because Neil was insanely gorgeous and looking at him with that same damn smile he could never take off. Definitely not. Neil wouldn’t get anything for free anyway, Andrew had already made that clear the previous times they had seen one another.

Andrew Minyard never gave anything for free. Not even to pretty eyes and sweet smiles and smart mouths. Especially not to them.

“To be alone. No one to bother me except stupid flies.” What he said next felt like a mistake, but it slipped through his lips before he could stop himself. “And some idiot who gets lost in a forest, apparently.”

Andrew made a point to avoid Neil’s gaze that he could feel burning through him. He deliberately didn’t look at the man, instead pulling out and lightening his cigarette.

It was infuriating, the way he could feel Neil grinning. The way he could hear him try to hide a chuckle. The way that sweet sound still resonated in Andrew’s brain, annoyingly trying to make itself at home there.

Andrew did a pretty good job at ignoring it too, he figured, and instead took his well-deserved turn. And by the way Neil stayed a bit too quiet at his side, he assumed the other man must’ve been expecting it.

“I’m still waiting for my answer.” He said, taking a drag.

This seemed to startle Neil, as Andrew was now sparing a glance at the confusion on the auburn man’s face. Andrew didn’t care to specify, waiting for the moment Neil would figure it out on his own. He might have let the question go last time, for some reason Andrew still wouldn’t admit, but it had always been only a matter of time before he asked again. Why are you talking to me instead of the trees you seem to love so much. He remembered the dark shade behind those blue eyes the first time they had met. He remembered it again when Neil had told him why he came to the forest. He figured Neil wasn’t coming here just to have nice chats with strangers or see their crazy dogs and loud children. No, Neil was coming here to escape. Andrew could recognize it anywhere, on anyone. He knew it too well himself.

But he still couldn’t shake away the questions burning inside his head. Every new second spent with this man was a voice whispering “interesting” in Andrew’s ear. It was as good as dangerous. And Andrew never loved a problem he couldn’t solve.

After a moment of confusion, Neil finally seemed to remember. Andrew watched the realization kick in, watched Neil’s mouth open, then close. Then open again, only to close again a few seconds later. Neil was looking at him now, with those damn blue eyes he could feel digging into him.

After a long time, he finally found his words. “Ever since-” he stopped, and when Andrew saw a dark shade flash across his face, and he knew he had lost Neil for a second. That wherever he had been for that second was someplace very, very dark. But he made his way back instantly, chasing away whatever demon had come to him. “No one seems to be looking at me like I’m a person. They- They see the scars and they just- They don’t see me. They see someone else, something else. So I can’t, I can never be if I’m surrounded by those people. That’s why I never talk to them, why I prefer to leave the paths and be alone.” He paused. “So that’s why-”

He stopped short, not willing to finish his sentence, to say the words out loud. But even if Andrew didn’t like it, he heard them anyway. “That’s why I can look at you and talk to you. Because you don’t seem to care about my scars or who I was before. You see me.” Andrew swallowed.

He just looked at him then, at the hurt hidden behind those eyes, the secrets behind those scars. Neil wasn’t smiling anymore, but his stare was as disturbing to Andrew, piercing through his walls and trying to break in. Andrew wasn’t sure he wanted to stop it. He just looked at him, before eventually flicking his cigarette, turning to look to his right.

“I hate you.” He said, because it was the only truth that could get out then. Everything else seemed to have gone away, his own mind betraying him.

He hated it.

He didn’t wait to see Neil’s reaction, because as soon as he could, he took the path on his right and left.

----------

The next time they saw each other, while the itching in Neil’s skin was telling him he was nervous, doubt hiding in plain sight through every part of his body, Andrew had stayed the same, bored expression and calling Neil bullshit whenever he felt that grin slip from Neil’s mouth, forever wearing the same apathy that Neil seemed to cling to, relaxing his features and making all doubts disappear.

And it went on and on. Every once in a few days, they stumbled upon each other, mostly after they both left the common paths, but sometimes before they even entered the forest. And every time they saw each other, they walked together for a while, and eventually parted ways. There was a silent agreement between them that Neil never went back to the place they saw each other for the first time. He understood it was a place Andrew went to retrieve and be alone, a safe place in itself. As much as Neil liked to annoy Andrew, he wouldn’t cross a line. He knew how sacred safe places were.

Sometimes Neil would be running when he saw Andrew. He would spot him far ahead, then slow down to let himself walk with him. He knew by now that the blond hated running, so he always walked for a few minutes before going back when Andrew turned his own way.

Sometimes, they would just walk silently, not a word slipping out as they just tolerated each other’s presence, the silence of another body near and respectful of each other’s needs. Most of the time, though, they would exchange truths. They would open up about nothing and everything, honesty slipping out. Neil didn’t know if Andrew could know how special it was, for Neil to be that honest for so long. But as much as it was unusual, Neil somehow didn’t mind. He kept wondering, and Andrew kept burning.

They kept each other real.

Then there were other days. The bad days. Days where Neil would just run past Andrew without a word and keep running till his limbs made him feel real. Days where Andrew would immediately turn another way at the sight of Neil approaching, or tell him to fuck off with a tone that Neil quickly learned to recognize as a sign to leave him alone.

But even if none of them admitted it, every time they saw each other was a step closer to mutual trust.

Neil didn’t know that before him, Andrew had only rarely gone anywhere else than his wooden shelter, rather avoiding paths and people and sticking to the wilderness where he knew he wouldn't cross paths with anyone.

Andrew didn’t know that while Neil was coming to his part of the forest to explore the wilderness, it wasn’t the only reason anymore.

And maybe they would never know.

----------

“So what do you do for a living?” Neil asked one afternoon. The air was cool and the sun was kissing his auburn hair through the trees. He looked like he was on fire. Andrew found it ironic, the way it matched the flame burning inside his chest. The one trying to consume him whole. Andrew didn’t know how to stop it, but he knew that when he looked at Neil, when in his chest awoke a burning rhythm, he had to be cautious. Never get too close to the sun. It was a fact he’d known all his life, a voice that always kept him at bay from all the things he could never have, those things that would consume him if he let them in. But now the lines and words seemed to blur with the heat. There had always been a danger in light. But Neil was so bright, and Andrew didn’t know where to hide anymore.

“I’m a librarian.” He didn’t tell him any details. He didn’t say how being surrounded by books and the thousand smiles of happy children could fill some of the emptiness inside of him. To feel their happiness and see how loved and bright they were. That it was something that he could never get bored of. Even if he had to suffer his annoying co-workers because of it.

Neil stayed silent a small minute, looking at him but lost in his thoughts. Andrew tried not to think of being studied that long. He tried not to say anything as he waited.

When Neil finally talked, it was with a small approving voice in the shape of a smile. “It suits you,” he said. And Andrew didn’t know what the fuck to think.

“I also work at a bar several nights a week, how’s that suiting me then?” He told Neil instead, daring him. He knew there was a bit of anger in his voice. He let it be.

He could see that Neil had something to say, because of course he had. But Andrew didn’t let him, continuing instead. “What about you?”

Neil acknowledged the change of subject with a small sigh, but chose not to push. A wise decision.

Andrew tried not to think of the fact that Neil never pushed through any limit and always respected Andrew’s boundaries. Even when Andrew didn’t say anything about them, Neil seemed to just know. That was the worst of it all.

“I’m a translator.”

Andrew looked Neil up and down, trying to figure out if it fit him or not. He tried to ignore the way Neil stopped breathing when he did.

Andrew just had to think of Neil’s soft voice and smart mouth to know he would be a perfect pain in the ass every second at his job. He thought of his smirk when he talked, the attitude lying behind his pretty face. He wished good luck to whoever Neil had to work with, because if there was one thing Andrew had learned in the past few weeks, it was that Neil’s mouth always would be trouble. 

“Don’t know if I should take the face you’re making as a good or bad thing.” Neil said with a chuckle. 

“Just can’t imagine facing that attitude let out of that mouth of yours all day and not regretting being born. How many clients do you lose a day?”

Neil laughed. That sweet, sweet laugh. Such a heavenly sound to hear when Andrew had always been promised to hell.

“I’m pretty likable as it happens.” He said with a smug smile. If Andrew knew that part of that comment was turned to him, he ignored it. He was getting pretty good at ignoring things now. He had a lot of practice when it came to Neil.

“How many languages do you speak then. Humor me.” Andrew said, taking a drag of a cigarette he had just lit.

“Seven,” Neil answered without hesitation. “Well, maybe more six, if you’re meticulous. But I must say, my Spanish gets better every year.” That’s when he saw Andrew looking at him with an eyebrow raised, somehow surprised by how many hidden depths Neil had. Andrew shouldn’t be startled anymore when all Neil ever did was surprise him and get more interesting every time they saw one another.

Neil took a deep breath then, and dropped his smile. Andrew didn’t like it. And he liked even less the fact that he wasn’t liking it. As much as he enjoyed getting closer to every truth hiding behind those ocean eyes, he hated everything that happened inside of him when that smile disappeared. Like a part of him was getting ripped apart.

“I moved a lot while growing up. Went to a lot of countries,” he explained. There were many things hidden behind that truth and they both knew it. Andrew wasn’t blind and Neil wasn’t stupid. But Andrew wouldn’t push, not when it had made that smile disappear so quickly. “But at least it wasn’t for nothing, right?” There was a pause then, a switch made inside of Neil that somehow managed to drive his thoughts elsewhere in a blink of an eye. And because it was Neil, the smirk went back on his lips like it had never left. Like it was meant to be there. “That way I can talk bullshit about people and no one will ever know. That must be one of the best things about this, truly. Though I do love their faces when I put them down and they understand every single word I say. Oh, Andrew, if you had seen that time, it was priceless, I swear. There was that one asshole, he kept-”

Andrew shut him down then. Neil continued talking, and Andrew still heard his voice resonate in his mind, but he shut down the words. Something about what was happening was just too much for Andrew to take in. Seeing the way Neil got so comfortable, too comfortable like this around Andrew, seeing him smile and laugh and his relaxed expression as he talked and talked-

It was something too precious and unique for him to witness. He didn’t know how he deserved to be the one to see it.

He wanted to kiss that smile away. Swallow those words whole. 

Instead, he said “I need to go” to the air, and didn’t wait for Neil to answer, just waited to be sure he had heard him. He had somehow been brave enough to glance at him then, but when hazel met blue again he knew leaving was the right choice. It was too much.

And seeing the understanding look Neil was sending him wasn’t helping either. Neil and his understanding. Neil, who always knew everything and always took all of him without any second guessing.

Andrew left and didn’t look back.

----------

The first time Andrew offered Neil a cigarette, they were both sitting on a fallen tree trunk, away from the paths and all the people coming to the forest on this sunny Saturday afternoon.

Neil had been watching Andrew closely, smiling when the man had said a nonchalant “Staring” before blurting out. “Can I have one?”

Andrew had seemed startled, his hands going to a stop in their motion, but then Neil had pointed to the cigarette in the blond’s hand, and Andrew had slowly taken another one out of his pack. He let Neil light it on his own, visibly not surprised that Neil knew perfectly how to. It had been months since Neil had last lit a cigarette, but he was missing the smell.

When Andrew saw him only holding it in his hand, refusing to smoke it and rather letting it burn, he raised an eyebrow. “First it’s the poor taste in food, now I find out you don’t even know how to smoke. Should I be worried about all the miserable habits you’re hiding from me?”

Neil let out a quiet laugh. “I just, I like the smell.” Andrew didn't seem convinced, and Neil found in himself that the truth didn’t burn too much to set free. “It reminds me of my mom.” And that had been enough to shut Andrew up. Neil could feel his eyes searching through him. He was used to it by now, Andrew getting to know him truth by truth, and any time Neil would get close to his past, he would feel something burning through Andrew’s eyes. Like he was trying to push down all his fences and figure out where he was hidden. Neil didn’t know how to say that he was right here. That by now all it would take was for Andrew to ask, and Neil would tell him everything. When those eyes were held on his, a part of him knew he could.

Neil tried not to let himself linger on the memory of the beach years ago, of the car burning with his mother in it, of watching every second of it until all that was left of her was those ashes melting through the sand. He brushed the memory off, leading his mind to a brighter place. “And that’s rich coming from the guy who only eats sweets as a meal. Seriously, I still can’t figure out how your stomach can even take all of this. I may have poor tastes but at least they’re healthy.” It was only a few days ago that Andrew had told him his favorite meal was ice cream. Ice cream. That man was eating ice cream on a daily basis. How was that even possible? Neil could truly never understand. “I don’t understand. Don’t you get, I don’t know, sick? There’s no way all that sugar isn’t screwing you.”

“Seems like a you problem.”

“Seriously? You never get sick?”

“No.”

Neil looked at him incredulously, genuinely surprised by the fact.

“I guess some things we’ll never know.”

Andrew then looked at him again, and there was something Neil couldn’t recognize in him. A new dark shade dancing across his pupils. But it was a different kind of darkness. One that could burn him whole.

“Not all things.”

And Neil knew then was he was referring to. His insides were doing that weird thing again, and he lost all coherent thought. He just kept looking at Andrew. He could feel his own heart beating faster than usual, but he pushed the thought away all the same.

But despite it all, there was one thing Neil knew. 

They would keep pulling each other out, dancing closer and closer to everything that hid between them. And Neil, well, Neil just couldn’t wait for it.

----------

It had been almost two months since Neil had seen Andrew for the first time. Two months that they were seeing each other almost every day, stumbling upon each other in the forest one way or another. Neil wanted to keep thinking they kept meeting accidentally, but even he couldn’t believe such a lie. He didn’t know how that had happened, but seeing Andrew had become his favourite part of the day. He could recognize it, how his chest was instantly feeling lighter when he was around the man. How his breathing always seemed to get easier and his demons further away. How truth was for the first time something he wasn’t scared of anymore. He didn’t know why it was like this. He hadn’t meant to lean on Andrew so much.

But Neil wouldn’t lose this for anything.

That night, he had woken up from a pretty rough nightmare. Every time he had tried to close his eyes afterwards, the only face he could see was his father’s, and Lola’s laugh was the only thing he could hear. He had left his house then, doing the only thing he knew how to, the only thing that could chase the demons away.

He had run to the forest.

He had only been running for twenty minutes when the it started raining. While it had started soft, it had gained strength in minutes and Neil had soon been completely soaked.

At least the rain had washed all the nightmares away, but he had had to find shelter if he didn’t want to be sick for days after that. Except he was in the middle of the forest, and the only place he could be safe from the rain was-

Andrew’s shelter.

He had never been there again, had always seen Andrew elsewhere, and the man had never taken him there again either. But in that moment Neil knew it was the only place he could find real shelter. He would leave before Andrew went to the forest the following day. He would just wait for the rain to stop anyway. It shouldn’t be long. 

As much as Neil had learned to guide himself anywhere, it was completely dark and the hard rain didn’t help him to really see any of his surroundings. So it took him longer than expected to find his way to the shelter, but when he finally did, he could only breathe as he tried to lie down. Hell to his clothes, but for now he was just cold and tired.

He then lost himself in the memories of this place, of Andrew’s cold mysterious face the day they had first met. How that flame of wonder inside of him had never died, only burning a bit more every day.

Neil was so lost in his memories that he didn’t remember falling asleep. One moment, he was thinking of how Andrew’s hair darkens because of the smoke whenever they see one another to share truths, how he never flinches, never stills at any given moment when he’s around Neil, no matter which truths he lets out. The next moment, he had his eyes open to the shelter around him now filled with dim light. The air was warmer, and there was a weight on Neil’s chest that hadn’t been there before. He didn’t remember putting his jacket on him as cover. He hadn’t even realized how tired he was until then, when his mind wouldn’t catch all the details around him. Like how the jacket across his chest had been completely dry, in contrast to all his clothes that were still damp from the rain.

And it was why, when Neil stepped out of the shelter in an attempt to wake himself up faster, he didn’t know someone was here until the rough voice reached his ears. “You look like shit.”

Neil startled, instantly fully waking up to the stranger sound, to the unknown person close, too close- But all it took was to turn his head in a second for him to let out a long breath of relief. He was safe.

“What are you doing here?” He said without thinking, as if he wasn’t the one standing in Andrew’s private place. Only Andrew’s raised eyebrow made the thought reach his mind. He tried speaking again, but the words wouldn't get out. The confusion wouldn’t leave, though. Andrew was here when the sun was only starting to get up, telling Neil it was only 5 or 6 a.m. Neil had never seen Andrew here this early.

Andrew still had his ‘Are you fucking kidding me’ face that Neil knew meant no harm whatsoever. And just like always, it only made him smile. Andrew was sending him a silent message, demanding but still not pushing, a strong but warm ‘what are you doing here’. Neil held out his hands in defeat, surrendering his curiosity. 

“I couldn’t sleep. Then it rained,” he confessed at last. It was only a half truth, but it was the most he could give right now. But he knew he didn’t need to say more. Andrew knew by now that whenever anything happened, running to the forest was the only solution his mind could come up with. Andrew only hummed in answer, acknowledging and accepting his explication. If he knew there was more to it, he didn’t show it. “I’m sorry, I know it’s your place and-”

“Don’t.”

Don’t apologize.

Neil wanted to protest, but he knew better than to make Andrew repeat himself. He didn’t know why Andrew kept letting him in, again and again. In his life, his walks, his smoking moments, his private places and his past. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve this. For Neil to be able to think for the first time ever that someone might take all of who he was without flinching or leaving, hating or hurting.

He smiled again then, chasing that feeling, chasing the flame they both shared. “Why are you here so early, then?”

“My cousin is visiting. And he snores.” Neil couldn’t help but laugh. Andrew could be as menacing as he wished to be to anyone else, but Neil would never tire of seeing that part of him, the one that was just mostly human, of him not being able to sleep and leaving the place instead of waking them up.

“The one from Germany, right? He came all the way?” When Andrew hummed, something warm settled inside Neil’s chest. He was glad to know that Andrew had people who cared for him. People who would travel continents to spend some time with him. Neil knew Andrew had a complicated relationship with his twin brother, but that they still saw or called each other from time to time. Andrew had only referred to his other relative as ‘my annoying cousin’, but Neil had felt then and again now that there wasn’t any bitterness in the way he said it. “Couldn’t you wake him up?”

Andrew shrugged. Neil had known he wouldn’t admit to such things and the reasons behind them, but he had tried anyway.

“So here you are.”

Andrew looked at him then, gaze as piercing as ever, and his voice seemed smaller than usual when he answered, eyes not leaving his. “So here I am.”

It felt like a confession. It felt like a promise. It felt like everything Neil needed and anything he wanted.

----------

It was Thursday. The day that marked Neil’s six months of being real.

That morning, he had been roughly woken up from his nightmare by a loud ringtone. It was only when he could find his bearings and stop shaking too much that he instantly picked his phone up, knowing well that the only one who had his number wouldn’t call in the middle of the night for nothing.

Neil was still having trouble breathing right and adjusting to the supposed safe reality, but he still heard the sharp and serious tone of his uncle when he talked.

“Kid, I’m going to need you to listen to every single word I say and do exactly as I say. You stay at home. You hear me? You stay in and you don’t leave the house until I call you back. Don’t call anyone, don’t talk to anyone. Don’t even open your goddamn window or take whatever mail gets in. You don’t answer the door. You don’t answer your phone unless it’s me. You stay in. You hear me? Do you hear me?”

Neil only had time to answer a choked “yes” before Stuart hung up, not explaining anything further on the situation. But Neil’s mind could only quickly become a hell of its own. The remands of his dream were still deep inside of him, and now-

He tried, he tried to wake up, wake up. This couldn’t be real. He had woken up from his nightmare, he had woken up. He was safe, he was supposed to be safe. His father was dead, it had been months, he saw it, he remembered it, Stuart killed him, he-

Stuart told him he would be safe, he told him coming here was for the best, he had assured him.

Panic was seizing him, building and burning and there was nothing he could do, nothing, nothing, nothing.

He couldn’t run, he couldn’t, he was trapped. He was trapped.

His demons were now blocking his view so much that he couldn’t make up his bedroom anymore. He could barely feel his back against the wall, his knees held close by his trembling arms. He needed to run, he needed, he couldn’t.

He was trapped, nothing was real and nothing was safe anymore. He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe.

His father was laughing, holding him down, the sharp clever held in the air, ready for use, too close, too close. Lola was whispering in his ear, she would cut him clean, the lighter was close, too close, his face-

Trapped, trapped, trapped.

Reality was losing shape, his vision melting the past, his ears burning memories.

All he could feel was fire and blood and pain, pain, pain.

Hours passed and all there was was pain.

----

“Are you seriously going for a smoke right now? Isn’t it raining now in Columbia? Andrew, seriously?”

“Stopped an hour ago.”

Andrew didn’t bother paying attention to whatever his brother said next, having stopped listening to him the moment he had started talking about his job. He could fuck off instead of talking about what wasn’t any of his business for all he cared. Andrew had been done listening to him years ago. He was just too busy getting ready and putting on his jacket to hang up yet.

Almost.

“At least take a fucking umbrella!”

Andrew hung up on him.

Oh, sweet silence.

He very much did not take an umbrella. He would probably come home soaked, but that had never stopped him before. He knew his brother wouldn’t know anyway, but spite still drove him through many, many decisions. Today wasn’t the day he would start breaking good habits.

He locked the house and took off for the 8-minutes walk from his home to the forest.

The sky was grey and the air was cold, the hiding sun starting to set at this evening hour, and Andrew would probably end up internally cursing his brother for being right, but he still walked casually to his spot. At least the weather was such that no one was outside, even less in the forest. People didn’t want to come home soaked or with dogs or children covered in mud. Good for them. Good for Andrew. He would be at peace under his shelter, whether it would start raining again or not.

He was peaceful still when he walked through the trees, tracing an invisible path he knew by heart, when something odd entered his vision.

He blinked a few times, but nothing had changed.

His mind wasn’t betraying him, no, that was indeed blood inches away from his feet.

What the fuck.

There wasn’t much, so it obviously wasn't too alarming, but it was enough to raise that stupid curiosity of his. Several feet away was a smaller stain, so Andrew started in that direction. He figured someone must’ve slipped because of the wet leaves and mud all around and hurt themselves. It was probably nothing and the person surely was fine by now. But something inside Andrew felt wrong. He couldn’t put a word on it, couldn’t point out what or why, but he knew it. Something was wrong. Something was pushing him to go.

But everything got stranger and more wrong as Andrew kept going, until eventually here it was, the reason, the stupid reason.

At first, Andrew only heard it. Heard them. Someone was breathing loud and hard, staggered and struggling breaths that were far too fast, far too urgent. Whoever was there wasn’t in their right state of mind.

Andrew only understood it when he recognized the shape a few yards on his left. He recognized the auburn hair right away, even though it was completely soaked. The idiot must’ve spent hours outside if he was in this state, back when it was raining hard. Andrew hated himself on instant for recognizing the man so fast, but at least he now knew why everything had felt so wrong. He hated that too. 

Andrew tried to ignore how hurried his large steps were and found himself in Neil’s space in a matter of seconds. 

The man didn’t seem to even hear him. He had his back against a tree, his knees against his chest, arms wrapped around them while his head was hiding between them. And there was it, on his right leg, that red wound. All this time running and this idiot hadn’t learned how to not slip away. Whatever had happened, whatever had left him like this, Andrew could see there wasn’t a single part of him that wasn’t trembling.

“Neil,” he tried.

“Neil,” he tried again.

He tried again and again, but it was useless.

Andrew didn’t want to touch Neil without any consent, even less when he was someplace too dark that could hide any demon. Andrew wouldn’t go past that. He would never.

He kept trying, searching through his memories of any conversation they had, every truth they shared, every bit of Neil that Andrew had spent hours and weeks trying to put together. He had to try something else. He didn’t know how much time Neil had even spent there on the ground. He didn't know how long he had been unmistakably running before. He just knew that Neil staying here in this state was the worst option. Neil needed to get out of this. Andrew knew too well that staying there too long would never do any good to anyone.

It was then that Andrew saw it. On Neil’s right, opposite from where Andrew had come from, was a grey duffel bag, completely soaked too.

Andrew didn’t hesitate. He opened it and went through everything in there. Clothes, contacts, phone, and a binder. Andrew didn’t open it. He was already starting to get what was happening.

Escape.

“Neil, listen to me. You are in Columbia, in the Harbison State Forest where you go every day to run and walk and watch the stupid trees. You are safe. You are alone there, there's just you and me, Andrew. You are safe. Whatever happened, it’s gone. It’s gone, Neil. Neil. You are safe. You are safe.”

Andrew could see Neil’s shoulder shaking more violently. He didn’t know if that meant anything, but it was a sign that maybe Neil could hear him somewhere in the place he was trapped in. So Andrew kept going until he could see Neil’s body start to tremble less and could hear his breaths getting less hurried and less ragged.

When he finally got Neil to look at him, Andrew could see that he was still anywhere but here. His face was like a ghost. Like his old self had died buried in those memories, and the Neil facing him right now was only a shell of his past. And maybe it really was. But Andrew wasn’t letting go either way.

“That’s it Neil, it’s me, Andrew. We see each other almost every day. You always talk with an attitude made to annoy the entire world and you smirk because you’re too proud of yourself, and we keep each other honest. We tell each other the truth. I’m here. You are safe.”

He saw Neil take a deep shuddering breath. He could work with that.

“Neil, I need to get you to the shelter. You went there once, remember. That day you got lost while running. I took you out of the forest into the city you recognized. Neil, can you hear me? If you can’t talk, just nod. Can you hear me?”

Andrew paused. Long seconds seemed to pass and Andrew was starting to think he wouldn’t get anything when he saw Neil’s head move up and down in a slow and tiny movement. Andrew let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Neil, can I touch you?”

Andrew waited a few seconds before he saw Neil nodding again, his eyes still fixed on the space between them, trapped in the place he was stuck in. Andrew didn’t waste any time and his hand found the back of Neil’s neck in a second. He squeezed a few times, trying to wake up some reality to Neil. He could feel a deep choked breath get out of Neil at the contact, but his breathing had gotten a little lighter.

“We’re going to walk a few yards to the wooden shelter. I’m going to help you. Yes or no?”

He squeezed his hand around his neck again, trying to bring the man back into the present with him, while his other hand began to rest on his knee.

“Neil. Yes or no.”

Slowly, Neil nodded, and Andrew went to work.

The shelter wasn’t far away. He hadn’t lied to Neil when he told him they would only walk a few yards. Neil had somehow been lucky to end up close to it. Andrew just tried not to think whether it had been intentional or not. He could let his mind wonder later. Or not.

On the way there, Andrew kept talking to Neil every few seconds, whether it was just his name or some little words, not letting him slip away. When they arrived, he moved Neil under the shelter and tried to clean his wound. He couldn’t do much with the little he had, and the blood had already started drying, but he did what he could.

Only then he stayed with Neil, hearing his breathing slow some more as the man seemed to be falling asleep from exhaustion. This maybe wasn’t the best for him to fall asleep right after his episode, too close to the demons that had haunted him, but God knows when was the last time Neil had slept, and his body seemed to be in serious need of rest.

When he finally fell asleep, Andrew slowly went to sit in his usual place on the stump just outside the shelter. He lighted a cigarette, trying not to think of what had happened, of the demons leaving Neil like this, of the terror in his eyes and his shaking body. Andrew would get his answers in time, he knew that. But he still couldn’t shake off what was happening inside of him.

--------

Neil jolted awake. His breathing was hard, his vision blurry. He could still feel the cold and darkness from where his mind had been.

It took him a long time to come to his senses and learn how to breathe again. Only then could he start to be aware of his surroundings.

Where the hell am I?

Something still hurt in his chest when his eyes found the light at the entree of the shelter he had been resting inside of.

Seeing the green outside brought him back to the present.

The forest. Running. His duffel bag. The panic he had felt. The need to run, run, never look back. His uncle. The phone call. The demons. His father. The rain. The fall.

Andrew.

Neil remembered dreaming about him. He had no idea how he had gotten there in this shelter, but he remembered Andrew’s voice. Was he here?

Neil didn’t remember much of his day. Everything was blurry and there were mostly emotions and visions he could take out from his mind. He remembered his uncle calling him the night before. He remembered losing himself, losing and losing. He remembered his uncle finally calling again, explaining everything to him.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Neil could feel himself start to panic again, his hands instinctively grabbing his duffel bag. Fuck, Neil hadn’t even realized he had packed his bag when he left that evening. But how could he have not?

One of his father’s men, one of the few that were still alive, had found him. Neil didn’t know how the hell Stuart had been able to know and take care of him before the man could reach Neil, but that didn’t change the fact that they had found him. If one had, others would too. He didn't know how many were still alive, but they had found him, and Neil couldn’t- He needed to go.

But Neil still couldn’t move. He only kept remembering.

He remembered vividly not even waiting for more when Stuart had finished explaining the situation and hanging up on him. The next thing he knew, he had been running. The rain had not helped, and Neil had barely seen anything through it and the panic, but his mind hadn't cared. He just had to run.

He only briefly remembered slipping because of the mud, scratching his leg a little and being disoriented. But a single glance at the cut, at the blood on his leg, was all it took for him to completely lose all his bearings, the final step to losing himself. Memories had been haunting him again, and he was back in that basement, with his father above him threatening to cut his legs sharp so he wouldn’t ever be able to run again. In a second, Neil had been on the ground, unable to move, his body not listening to him anymore, to the voice saying run, run, run.

Only he couldn’t seem to remember how he had gotten here in this shelter. There was something strangely familiar with it, and despite the panic and the need to run, Neil could feel, somewhere inside, that little feeling of safety. He just couldn’t see where it came from or why. He didn’t- He must’ve been dreaming. He remembered the voice, but he was certain to have been dreaming.

But Neil was starting to come back to himself more, and he could now smell the smoke. Smoke that was dangerously close to him. Recognizing the smell, his demons could ease a little. Cigarette.

Maybe he wasn’t so certain anymore.

When Neil finally found enough strength, he slowly rose up, balancing himself and trying not to fall again.

When he came out of the shelter, there it was: a fever dream in itself, sitting on the same stump, cigarette to his lips.

The blond didn’t look at him, didn’t give any sign that he felt or heard Neil’s presence. He just stayed silent, flicking his cigarette, over and over. And Neil stood there, taking deep breaths and trying not to run. Trying not to think too much of the memories now slipping through his mind, of Andrew seeing him, talking and taking him here. Of Andrew waiting.

He sat, then, his energy giving out once again. Only then Andrew finally made a move. He didn’t speak, stayed silent the whole time as he lighted another cigarette and handed it to Neil, deliberately not looking at him.

Andrew had known Neil wouldn’t be able to light it himself. Neil knew it too, not needing to look at his hands to know they were still shaking. He didn’t know how he wanted to feel about Andrew doing this knowingly. Didn’t know what he wanted to do about all of his memories now flooding through his mind. Of Andrew’s hand on his neck, grounding him. Of him being the reason he had been able to finally breathe and let go.

Neil stared at the cigarette for a long time, but eventually took it, letting the smell balance his thoughts.

He didn’t know how long they stayed like that, smoking together, five feet from one another, looking ahead in silence, but Neil could only take too much. Another memory came back to him, and it was too much.

Neil rose to his feet, putting out his cigarette, his duffel bag in hand. The two sides inside of him were fighting to have the upper hand, to make the decision. But he already knew who would win.

“Stay.”

Neil went completely still. He tried not to stop breathing, but instead came up with too much air and ragged breaths. His chest hurt. He knew and felt Andrew’s hazel eyes on his back, and the spoken word was stuck in his head, replaying again and again. Neil knew Andrew didn’t mean for him to stay here, today, at the shelter. Andrew had meant something else. Something Neil couldn’t give. Something he could never have. He had tried, had tried-

But Neil Josten was never lucky. Never without a price.

He didn’t spare a glance at Andrew when he tightened his grip on his bag and left.

Only when he was sure that he was far enough for Andrew to not see or hear him anymore, he took a deep breath.

And he ran.

----------

Andrew doesn’t see Neil for days. 

He refused to count the days like a boring lovesick teenager who misses their lover on summer holidays, though if you asked him he’d know it was exactly 13 days since he watched the auburn man walk away from him.

Andrew tried not to think about it. He tried pushing everything down, everything about Neil that came across his mind or did something to him. He pushed it down, down, down no matter how wrong it felt. Neil was just a pipe dream. Just an annoying dream he had come across almost every day for weeks. A dream that made him reckless. A dream that made him talk too much. A dream that had left him with an unsettling feeling inside of him that he couldn’t shake off. A dream that was gone.

And Andrew had told himself, he had known, had warned every single cell of his body.

Neil Josten had always been a pipe dream. Here and then gone. Too good to be true. Too good to stay.

Andrew was trying to ignore that thing, that one thing inside of him that asked for answers. That asked for reasons. That part of him that asked for news, for signs, for anything. Anything from the one who had been there and then gone.

There was that emptiness in his chest, this urgency inside of him, for Neil to come back, for Andrew to see him again and know the truth. It was too close to wanting. And Andrew Minyard never wanted anything. He couldn’t. Not ever.

It turned out he was doing a terrible job at ignoring it all, along with that tight wound inside of him. But maybe if he tried enough, maybe, it would be gone.

Because Andrew had known, from the first moment they had met. He had seen the shade in Neil’s eyes, the mask across his face, the truth that screamed runaway.

He had known from the start. Neil would be here, and he would be gone.

But Andrew had been foolish anyway.

----------

It was only the third week that Andrew decided to do something. Or, rather, he didn’t decide. His body did, waking him up with a warmth of determination in his chest along with the same tightness that had stayed despite his best efforts.

He had tried so hard, for so long, not to do anything. Not to search for him, to look for answers. Neil was gone and Andrew needed to let him go. No, Andrew didn’t even need anything, because Neil was nothing but a pipe dream that his mind couldn’t shake off. But as much as he tried to hide the emptiness inside of him, he couldn’t stop his eyes from looking. Looking for anything, anyone, anywhere. Every second he spent in the forest, to every single sound he heard, his eyes were looking. Looking for him. Andrew hated it, but he couldn’t stop it no matter how hard he tried. He was spending more time in the forest than usual and even though he tried to ignore it, he knew.

So there he was again, on this grey early morning, walking through the forest. Except that this time, he didn’t find himself walking through the paths and wilderness he knew by heart and had known for years. He found himself walking North for the first time, looking for the unknown.

He didn’t even do it knowingly, or so he told himself. He was in his own mind, thinking of auburn hair and clear blue eyes, of darkness avoiding his eyes and trembling face under his palm. Then the next thing he knew, he was somewhere in the forest he didn’t recognize. For the first time in years, he had walked past his known part and had gone further into Neil’s. He had tried to ignore any reason that came pushing through intrusive thoughts and kept going, again and again.

Neil had never given him any address or street name. In any of his truths, he had never given anything specific or detailed about the first three months he had lived here. Andrew only knew he had been going to that part of the forest almost every day before they met.

Maybe Neil had always known he would leave. Maybe he was meant to. Or maybe Andrew’s mind just loved to torture him. Either way, Andrew still couldn’t shake the determination off of him.

He hadn’t much, but nothing had always been his era of expertise. And Andrew Minyard could never leave a problem unresolved.

He knew by now that Neil would’ve never kept himself from going in the forest for more than a few days. That junkie was as addicted to nature as Andrew loved ice cream.

If Neil was still there, if he hadn’t left for good…

Then Andrew would find him here.

He had to.

----------

Andrew’s mind didn’t love spending days without answers, let alone weeks. Every new hour was a new thought that entered his brain, and most of them weren’t nice to him. Some of the worst ones had been here from day one and had kept growing and growing and haunting him.

Because what if Neil had just left because of Andrew? What if he hadn’t run away at all, but had just decided he didn’t want to see him anymore? Maybe he had finally got bored of him, just like Andrew always knew he would. Just like everyone always did. Just like they should.

Maybe Neil didn’t want to see him again after that day. Maybe Andrew had crossed a line, by carrying him or watching over him. He had asked, Andrew had been so sure to ask. His memories never failed him, that was something he would always be sure of. But Neil hadn’t been in the right state of mind back then. What if Andrew had misinterpreted things? What if he had gone too far?

It had been a few days since Andrew started to explore the North part of the forest, and he was still as clueless as day one. But even with that and the million thoughts trying to set him on fire, Andrew kept going. He didn’t stop looking. No flame could harm him now. He was already burning.

He still didn’t know where exactly Neil used to go, so he had a lot of ground to cover. Andrew went there every day, sometimes in the early mornings, sometimes at noon, other times late at night.

He had refused to call this obsession. Nicky and Aaron could call this whatever the hell they wanted to, but Andrew wouldn’t have any of it. It was just a problem he needed to solve. A mystery that needed clarity. A fire that needed to drown.

And because Andrew Minyard never left a problem unresolved, he mustn’t have been surprised when one late evening, when the sun was still visible but the sky already darkening, he saw auburn hair a hundred yards away.

He shouldn’t have been surprised.

He definitely should’ve felt nothing.

He just kept walking slowly, that same apathy burning across his face, melting with the fire inside his head, the blaze across his chest.

Hence why he shut down his mind and ignored the pace of his breathing that had altered, that something in his chest that wasn’t nothing.

He shouldn’t have been surprised. But Neil Josten had always been a pipe dream. There and then gone. And Andrew couldn’t shake the idea that he had still been here after all.

Only a few seconds later did the idiot see Andrew.

To say that Neil hadn’t expected Andrew to be here was an understatement. Andrew saw him stop short on his run, almost falling from a loss of balance. They were on a small and narrow path with only enough room for one person at a time. Neil had stopped a dozen yards away from Andrew, and now he couldn’t keep his eyes off him.

It didn’t take Andrew long to walk the remaining yards between them, and they soon were face to face, five feet apart, hazel meeting blue and staying there.

Neil seemed to be at a loss of what to say, unevenly breathing, but he somehow still refused to let his eyes wander on anything but Andrew.

“I guess you aren’t a rabbit after all. Or are you that good a liar?”

He knew his voice was as sharp as the look his eyes must give. Andrew didn’t know how not to. He didn't care either way. He was just angry. At Neil. At himself.

He hated him.

All he could see was Neil flinching hard at his words, any thought now completely dying in his throat.

But Andrew had all night. He had all week for all he cared. He wouldn’t leave without the truth.

“You ran away.”

It wasn’t a reproach. This time it wasn’t said with any anger or frustration. It was said as a matter of fact. It was a way for Andrew to get the facts open between them and finally get Neil to talk, starting what the man couldn’t seem to do, giving him the words he seemed to have lost.

And it succeeded.

“I-” Neil started, and paused. His shoulders were down and he was looking away. He sounded defeated. Andrew couldn't let it do anything to him, but he felt the change in himself that meant failure. Neil tried again. “I almost did. I was at the airport, I was gonna leave, but I- I couldn’t. I ran the way back.”

Andrew tried not to think of Neil running two dozen miles under shitty weather with nothing but a duffel bag.

“You stayed.” Andrew said instead.

It made Neil finally look at him again, blue meeting hazel once again. And because that idiot had always been sent to be the death of him, he just stared, and smiled. It was weak, not even reaching his nose, but enough to crush everything inside of Andrew. He hated it.

“You told me to stay.”

Andrew would never, not on his dying breath, admit the storm that raged at those words. It was dangerous, reckless, treacherous.

Neil was still smiling with something that was so- No. Andrew refused to put a word into it. He just had to put a stop to it. Neil couldn’t get away with this. Andrew wouldn’t tolerate it. He wouldn’t survive it.

“I hate you.”

He tried to keep his voice cold, but it somehow had the opposite effect of what Andrew wanted, because it only made Neil smile more. It was now dangerously close to reaching his eyes. Andrew could only look away.

And because Neil had always been a pain in the ass, he couldn’t stop himself. “Every time you say that I believe you a little less.”

How dared he. How dared he say this when he was the one who had disappeared for weeks. When he was the reason why Andrew was here, the reason for the storm in his chest and the anger in his bones.

Andrew turned away. He wasn’t being fair, but he didn’t give a fuck. He couldn’t stay here looking at Neil. He couldn’t ask Neil why he had been away all those weeks either, why he had been avoiding Andrew. Asking would mean admitting Andrew had thought of him. It would be admitting it had bothered him, that it had done something to him. Andrew couldn’t have that. Instead, he started taking small steps, leaving Neil behind.

But it seemed that the man had other plans, because Andrew could suddenly hear hurried steps and a hushed voice. “Wait-”

Nice try. Andrew continued to walk.

“I’m sorry.” That made Andrew’s body stop. His feet wouldn’t listen to him anymore, choosing to listen to the rabbit instead. What the hell was he even sorry for? He could feel Neil behind him, stopping close, but not close enough to touch. Andrew could turn around, and there would still be enough space between them. Andrew hated that Neil knew how much he needed.

“I couldn’t-” There it was again. The uneven breathing, the trembling voice. “I wasn’t ready to face it yet.” That made Andrew turn around. He didn’t understand, and he didn’t like it.

“Face what.”

“The truth.”

Neil stood unflinching in front of him, and Andrew could sense that he was bracing himself. Honesty didn’t look good on him, and Andrew didn’t like it. Not with what it did to him.

“But I will give it to you now, if you’ll let me.”

Andrew couldn’t keep his eyes off of him no matter how hard he tried. So he did the only thing he could do. He stayed.

----

Neil took a deep breath, and told the truth.

He didn’t pass through every detail of his ten years of childhood or the list of cities he went to, the number of lies he told, the identities he had to fake. But he told him about his father, who Andrew already knew was the reason for most of his scars. He told him about his mother taking him that day, stealing billions of dollars. About those 8 years spent running together before his father caught them. Burning his mother on the California beach. He told him about the last three years on his own before his father’s men found him again. How that time, he hadn’t been able to run. How he had almost died that night, seven months before, if not for his uncle to appear like a miracle. How his uncle was now keeping him safe, making sure nothing happened to him. Neil told him how he had proved himself by finding and killing one of his father’s remaining men three weeks ago.

“That’s when you found me that day. That's why I wasn't… fine. I was going to run. As soon as my uncle told me it was over, I was running. I hadn’t meant to stop. But I did. And you found me.” Neil didn’t tell him how his feet had taken him to Andrew’s spot knowingly. That his body knew how to go to the only place he could feel better and safer. That even when everything was burning and all he needed was to run, he had run back to Andrew. Neil didn’t want to say it. He didn’t want to think about it either, unable to explain it or give it a reason. It was terrifying enough on its own.

Neil looked up then, meeting Andrew’s gaze that had never once left him. The blond had stayed silent through the whole story, and his expression had stayed the same. He hadn’t flinched, hadn’t moved, hadn’t said anything. His face remained the same as it ever was: devoid of emotion. But after everything, after all those years, those last weeks of endless spiraling… Neil was finally safe again. He had delivered everything and all his past in a trembling and scarred plate to Andrew, but Andrew had stood here, accepting and understanding, and Neil was falling.

Only this time, he knew he wouldn’t hit the ground. 

If Neil had been the kind of person to let his emotions free, that’s when he would’ve cried. Instead, all that came out of him was a choked breath. It felt like all that he had to hide and fake and forget, all that was weighing him down for so long, was finally slipping out. A part of him had always known his past would be safe with Andrew and that he would be the one to take all it without flinching, but facing the truth of it was more than Neil ever thought he could handle. He tried to take a grip on the trunk inches away from him when he felt his knees start to give out, but missed. That’s when he realized he was trembling.

Somehow Andrew had known immediately, because only a second later did Neil find him close, his hand up in the hair in a silent question. Neil could only lean his head closer in silent answer, allowing Andrew’s warm hand to come rest against the back of his neck. The reaction happened too fast. Andrew’s touch was grounding him, steadying him here. His other hand was dangerously close to Neil’s trembling one, and the next second he felt a gentle grip around his wrist.

They both stayed like this for a long time, enough for Neil to start breathing normally again. Neil still refused to meet his eye, and Andrew refused to pull away all the same.

But there was still one truth that Neil needed to give. One that he still didn’t know how to handle. There was still that rush inside of him, and he didn’t know how to let go of it. 

“Andrew.” It was barely a whisper, but it was loud enough for the space left between them. He could feel Andrew’s breath against his cheek.

He looked up, finally meeting Andrew’s eyes. There was something Neil couldn’t describe nor understand hidden behind them, a shade he had never seen before. But looking through them, Neil found the words he had lost weeks ago. “When I came back, those days ago… I didn’t go back to you.” Neil felt Andrew still, the air tense between them. He knew it was a confession. He knew there was something unspoken between them, that neither of them ever crossed. But he needed Andrew to understand. “I wanted to, Andrew, I couldn’t wish for anything more, but-” He took a deep breath. “Going back to that place, with you, meant staying. Staying for real. It meant choosing to stay. And I couldn’t-” Neil didn’t know how to tell him. How to tell him that the first thought that came through his mind every morning was to run. That sometimes in the middle of the day he still found himself holding onto his duffel bag all of a sudden without any memory of picking it up. How his house had stayed completely locked down for three weeks now and the only moments he was getting out were to run to the forest. How he had never thought he would ever see Andrew again, even less for Andrew himself to come find him. He didn’t tell him about the first week after he'd left either. How Neil had spent days around the airport, ripped apart on an invisible edge between staying and running. Between taking that plane and never looking back, and Andrew’s voice asking him to stay, the papers held tight in his palm stating that Neil Abram Josten was real. “I want to stay. You told me to stay. And I do want to. But I’ve never-” He took a deep breath, and let his eyes linger on Andrew’s before talking again, not breaking eye contact. “I don’t know how to stay."

It took a second for Andrew to understand Neil was done. His hand was still tight against his neck, his fingers still wrapped around him, feeling his pulse, letting him know he was here, he was real, he was alive.

Andrew wasn’t letting go. Neil wouldn’t ask him to.

His grip seemed to tighten on Neil’s wrist when he finally broke the silence left between them. There were only inches between their faces, so Neil breathed the words when Andrew spoke.

“Just stop running.”

The way he said it, matter-of-factly and devoid of emotion, was so typical Andrew that Neil couldn’t help but laugh. Despite everything, despite the past few weeks, the nightmares that wouldn’t leave him and the panic and the running. He laughed, and all the negativity festering inside of him left. The last of the remaining pressure fell, and this was maybe the best Neil’d felt in months, maybe even years.

Neil was still smiling when closed his eyes, and without meaning to, he felt his forehead lean on Andrew’s. He was about to lean back, afraid to have pushed too far, when he felt Andrew meet him halfway, letting out a deep breath. At this point they were only breathing the same air, in that infinite moment they had built together. It was so much it was terrifying. Neil had never felt so complete, understood and safe. He was so afraid that if he opened his eyes, everything would slip out of reach again.

He didn’t know how much time they stayed like this, breathing together and not pulling back, Neil’s stomach screaming, warmer than it ever had been, but after a long time, Andrew eventually broke the silence and whispered into the space between them. “Give me your phone.” It made Neil lean back in confusion. He was about to speak when Andrew cut him. “Shut up. Give it to me.” Neil could feel the determination in his eyes, the fierce thought that had taken hold of him. Neil could only follow.

Andrew’s hands had to leave his body when Neil stepped back to search for his phone and unlock it. Neil felt the loss instantly, his skin itching to feel him again, to reach for contact and never let go. Instead, he handed Andrew his phone, silently observing him as the other man went straight to his contacts and added a new one.

“Next time that happens, you call me.”

“Andrew…”

“No. I don’t care about your uncle or your father’s men, about that shitty bag of yours and your need to run away from the first real life you’ve ever had. You’re going to use your goddamn phone.”

Neil didn’t know if Andrew was referring to when his uncle had called, when he had broken down in the forest or when he had tried to run away. Maybe it was all of that.

But Neil stayed silent and unmoving. He couldn’t answer. He still didn’t know what to do and how to stay. He couldn’t give Andrew an answer. Not when he couldn’t know yet if it would be a lie or not. Neil didn’t want to lie anymore. He only wanted to hand Andrew every truth that ever existed and give every part of himself to him.

Somehow, Andrew had read his mind from in and out, feeling the uncertainty and taking hold of it. There was still the same apathy handling Andrew’s voice, but he could feel the change, the shiver in it, the shade in his eyes when he talked again. “You can stay.”

Could he really? Would he really be safe? He was so tired, so tired of running, of being alone, of being nothing. But he was only more scared of being nothing with another person. He didn’t want to put Andrew in danger. He couldn’t- he would never forgive himself if anything happened to him because of Neil. But Stuart was taking care of things, or so it seemed, as his uncle kept telling him every day. And Neil wasn’t sure if he would survive leaving Andrew behind. Not this time.

He knew it was why he hadn’t been able to leave for good. He had spent his whole life having no one but his mother, then no one but himself. He never stayed long enough to care about anyone, never let himself feel anything for anyone. He had always stayed on his own, but now that Andrew had come into his life and changed every habit and everything he thought he knew, Neil didn’t know how to let go of him. 

And maybe he wouldn’t have to.

But right now, everything was just too much for Neil to know or do anything.

There was a tightness in Andrew’s jaw when he spoke again, that same flicker behind his hazel eyes that Neil started to recognize. “One more thing.” Neil looked at him expectingly, giving him his entire focus even though his hands were still shaking. A decision had been made, it seemed, from the new shade in Andrew’s cheeks. Neil just didn’t know what, but he knew he just needed to be close to him.

And because it was Andrew, he knew it, of course he did. He knew and stepped closer himself, raising a hand till it was inches away from cupping Neil’s jaw. There was the same silent question in the remaining space between them, one Neil answered by closing the distance again. There was a warmth in Andrew’s eyes, in his hand holding his face, in the comfort it gave. When he whispered “Yes or no?” into the air left between them, Neil had only had time to nod before they were flushed together. He felt Andrew’s hand tighten at the same time his mouth caught Neil’s lips. The pressure was warm and gentle, but it was also fierce and determined.

Neil could only feel warm too, from his lips meeting Andrew’s to every single cell in his body reacting to it. It wasn’t just a burning fire anymore. It was a solar eruption. Fireworks exploding, lightening the darkness he thought he owned. It was beautiful. It was addicting. It was everything he thought he could never have handed to him in a diamond promise. Neil knew it was Andrew saying, more than with words, that Neil could stay. That he could have this. That he deserved to have it. That he wasn’t alone anymore.

Unfortunately, it was over before he could take a real hold of it. The kiss ended too fast, and the loss of it made Neil shudder. Its strength had knocked his energy out of him, and without it Neil could only feel empty. It was dangerous and reckless, to want something so much, to feel so much. But Neil found himself holding onto it anyway. He was breathing fast, too fast. But he found it nice, that Andrew was the reason why, and not his past running back to him anymore. Neil felt as if all his demons could be shut down and pushed away if only he could feel Andrew against him once again.

Neil was just leaning forwards to capture Andrew’s lips again when Andrew took a step back. Then another, and another one. Neil looked at him with worry, doubts winning over his confusion, but when he caught Andrew’s eyes he knew he had done nothing wrong. There was a new blaze dancing across his face, and the tightness in his features had increased. But Neil hadn’t had enough time to understand what it meant, because Andrew spoke one last time. “Remember you can.”

He turned around then, and left.

It felt so sudden that Neil barely understood what was happening. One second Andrew was there, and the next he was gone.

Neil blinked, but nothing had changed. He was left facing the forest and the forest only. He tried to call for him, but his voice had given out. He tried to run to him, but his feet wouldn’t move.

He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what the fuck to do. He was still breathing hard, and the memory of Andrew’s lips on his was too bright and alive for his mind to think of anything else. His feet couldn’t move, frozen to place as his body tried to make sense of what had happened. Make sense of what he was left to do.

He understood, slowly, the choice that Andrew had given him. Leave or stay. And it had always come down to this, hadn’t it?

Andrew had left to give him time and space to clear his mind, but Neil didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t think straight. Not right now, not like this. Any real coherent thought had left him the moment Andrew had taken hold of him. He hated how his body missed him, aching for him. And he tried to push down the thought that if he stayed, he maybe would learn not to hate it anymore.

If he stayed.

His heart was still racing, and it didn’t stop, wouldn’t stop until a decision was made.

----------

It had been four days.

Andrew had tried, and failed, not to think about Neil. He hadn’t come back to Neil's part of the forest again and wouldn't. He only went back to his own spot, sitting in front of his wooden shelter every day, waiting. He had given Neil space and time. He had given him everything he could to try to make him understand. The rest wasn’t up to him.

It was why he had left so suddenly the last time. He couldn’t force Neil to stay, couldn't make him stay. He could only show him everything he could have and deserved to have, show him that he could stay.

But Andrew had also had to leave for himself. He couldn’t take too much of Neil if it meant never seeing him again. Andrew had never been prone to self-care, but he couldn’t do this to himself. Not this.

The only thing he had done in the end was that selfish kiss. That kiss he couldn’t get out of his mind no matter how many times he told himself to forget it. That moment his mind was replaying at all times, day and night.

Andrew was smoking on that same stump in front of his shelter when he heard the soft rustling of someone walking through fallen leaves at his right. His body seemed to know before his eyes could reach the cause, because his shoulders relaxed and his heart was already beating faster when he looked up to clear blue eyes staring back at him.

The idiot was wearing a large grey hoodie and goddamn running shorts, but he seemed to have only walked his way here. He looked so stupid Andrew could only hate him.

For a very long time, Andrew just looked at him, at that person who had owned his dreams and had become one of his own, here and then gone, but here again after all. Neil, of course, just smiled. It was so warm and genuine that it knocked the air out of Andrew’s lungs.

They looked at each other for a long time, both of them silent, before Neil came closer and sat beside him, staring straight ahead. And just like this, their shoulders and thighs were almost touching. There was still enough space for Andrew to lean away if he wanted to.

Andrew pressed his knee against Neil’s.

They didn’t mention it, but they both knew what this meant. What Neil coming back here meant. He had made his decision.

Neil would stay.

Andrew looked at him for a long time then, watching the soft wave of his auburn hair to the wind, his focused and unblinking eyes lost in the nature around them. When it became too much, Andrew looked away. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but it came out in a broken whisper, soft against Andrew’s better judgment.

“Pipe dream.”

He felt Neil’s eyes on him then, burning his skin once again. 

“I’m real, Andrew.”

Andrew looked back at him, their eyes meeting, daring Neil.

“Are you?”

They both knew the meaning of those words. They both knew the weight it held. There was a darkness Andrew recognized all too well that flashed across Neil’s eyes, for barely a second. Neil only stayed silent for a few heartbeats. When he finally answered, it was with a smile. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Yes. I’m real.”

And it was all that mattered.