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"I kind of told Donna that if she had feelings for you, she better tell you before it was too late."
She told him the kiss happened because she had to know and he believed it, but with Mike's earlier words replaying over and over in his head, Harvey starts to question if it was also Donna's way of telling him what little truths she might have already known at that time.
What if the clarity she was searching for could be found not just in her own but also in his feelings?
He tries to pull his thoughts back into the simpler truths they've thrown at each other after the kiss — she didn't feel anything and neither of them wanted more. But this futile attempt is no use by now, and he only gets more frantic the more he dwells on everything that has happened between them recently. The reason behind her kiss, why he didn't think twice to end things with Paula the second Donna actually stepped out of his life, why she came back.
Why she always came back.
Usually when Harvey finds himself at a crossroad like this he would lean on her guidance. And while he obviously can't do the same thing now, one particular memory of them conversing in his office from over five years ago comes to his rescue, and by then he almost wants to believe that maybe Donna already had clues scattered around him all along.
"She is in love with you, Harvey. Only she can't tell you that because she, like everybody else, knows that it will only drive you away."
What if she's been telling him all that he needed to know and he was just never ready to hear them the way he should have?
"Did you ask her to stay?"
"It wasn't on the table."
"Bullshit, you let her go!"
He used to think it was only a matter of circumstances when he had to let Donna go, given Paula's ultimatum. Of all the mind games Paula has left him to do ever since he went to therapy up until they dated, she was clear on one thing: keeping Donna in his life meant their relationship would not survive. Harvey thought it was a dead end that left him with no other options than to let things take their own course.
Except it wasn't.
Trying to separate himself from Donna was a choice he made and so was ripping her resignation letter to get her back.
Did you ask her to stay?
He has, when he knocked on her door the very same night that she resigned and through all his subtle ways in the 13 years they've known each other, but now Harvey thinks he's never really asked enough.
He let her go far too many times when deep down he's wanted nothing more than for her to stay; for her to stay within his grasp in the rare occurrences they held each other, for her to stay longer every time they shared drinks at his office, for her to stay not just as his COO but as the most important person in his life even after he made the mistake of finding her a new job to appease his ex-girlfriend.
He owes it to both of them to finally admit that what he truly wants is for her to stay in his life for good, and the sudden urge to make up for all they've lacked before prompts Harvey to take a different route tonight.
—
Ray informs him of their arrival and Harvey knows better than to sit in the car any longer. He rushes out and up into Donna's apartment building, not giving his adrenaline the chance to wear down and be replaced with the instinct to flee.
The surprise is evident on her face as she opens the door for him. It's been too long since the last time he could drop by unannounced and not have it mean anything, after all.
"Harvey, it's late… What are you doing here?"
"Remember when I had a fight with Scottie before the merger and you had to convince me to trust her again?"
Her brows furrow at the very unexpected mention of the woman in question, but Harvey doesn't wait for a confirmation before speaking again.
"You told me that all I do and all I ever fight for is about the firm."
And I am so sick of watching you fight like hell for everything that happens in here, and nothing that happens in here.
"Harvey, that's not-"
"Donna."
The look on his face pleads with her to let him finish his own piece before anything else, so she sets aside the reassurance on the tip of her tongue and waits for him to continue, because since when did Harvey Specter start wanting to talk?
"For years I thought it was enough — having my name on the wall, working with people I could trust. But then you helped me see I could have more than those things if I wanted to."
Harvey didn't think that he was capable of caring for someone in the way and to the extent he does now with Mike, that he had a void within him until Donna talked him into reconciling with his mother and that void was filled, that he wanted more from his relationships until he started comparing them to what he shares with Donna.
Most of the things that brought him a lifetime of happiness and peace wouldn't have been possible if he didn't have her.
"I guess what I'm really trying to say is..." he looks down for a brief second, brushing a finger on his nose in the way he usually does when he's unsure of himself before looking back up again.
"I know now that none of those things will be enough as long as I keep running from the most certain thing in my life," he tells her in that low voice of his, and Donna wishes she couldn't read him so well because his nervous stance immediately puts her on edge, too.
"You're the only person I want to have everything with, Donna."
Her eyes widen momentarily and she has to swallow a lump in her throat, hating the shakiness in her voice when she replies to him and as her arms wrap protectively around herself.
"Why now, Harvey? What changed?"
"The last few weeks have made me realize I will lose you, one way or another, if I don't start being honest with what I want for us."
"And this is what you want? Everything?" she confirms, getting slightly nauseous at the weight of the word he just used to describe what he wants, and even more when he nods.
"I know I'm probably too late and I might not even have the right to fight for you anymore, not after the way I treated you while I was with Paula, but I just thought you should know that I can and I am willing to be that man, Donna."
The kind of man she was pushing him to be back when he let Zoe and Scottie go before.
"I can fight for what matters to me more than anything else — you."
He makes a few steps until she's within his reach, gently grabbing one of her hands that's still hugging her figure so he could hold it against his chest. "This is me trying to make something happen that comes from here."
Tears begin to prick Donna's eyes without her volition the moment she gets the meaning behind his words, because Harvey's standing on her doorstep — all armor gone and all willing to entrust his heart into her hands if she would just say the word, if she would just ask him to fight for her.
And although she may have spent the last couple of months making a conscious effort to move on and prove to herself that she's capable of loving another, there's no mistaking that she still longs for him and a part of her was still hoping he'll eventually come through, and here he has.
"So, it is about me this time?" she asks, quirking her eyebrow and lips curling up into a smirk even though she's also leaning against the door frame for support now, partly stalling to give herself time to catch up and partly to see if he'll break once she reciprocates.
It equally thrills and terrifies her when Harvey doesn't seem to falter in the slightest.
The fact that she's indulging the possible end points of this conversation instead of shutting him down only emboldens him, a new found courage that reveals itself in the way he tilts his head and smiles softly at her.
"Everything has always been about you, Donna," he says in that endearing tone he saves just for her and leaves no room for doubt.
"Why I couldn't make it work with anyone else, why I used to be so afraid of not being good enough at this, why I am the man that I am now. It's all you."
It's all so clear to him now.
In every ups and downs of his life, behind the success of both his career and his relationship with the people that matter the most, she has always been there. And he plans to keep her in the rest to come if she's willing to keep him in every corner of her life, too.
Donna lets out a sigh and shivers slightly in this unfamiliar atmosphere they've found themselves in. She isn't naïve enough to think that Harvey going through an epiphany means all is well for them from now on. They still have a whole lot of baggage to unpack but despite how vulnerable she feels in front of him right now, she thinks she's never felt more enticed either to just jump in and see what they could be when they're both upfront on what they want.
This is a start, and she won't know where it lands her unless she gives them an opening.
Still watching her every move and the flicker of her eyes as she sizes him up like she always does, Harvey's breath hitches when she steps further back into her apartment; fearing he might have actually misread their entire history and now she's about to turn him down.
But Donna holds the door open for him, offering a soft smile of her own and the only invitation he could hope for.
"Would you like to come in?"
"I do. But once I come in, you won't be able to get rid of me anymore."
He doesn't make it clear whether he means just tonight or far longer.
He doesn't have to because her answer remains the same.
"Then stay."