Work Text:
TW; Suicidal thoughts. Self harm. Death.
Recently Saiki had begun to wonder if death was as harsh as people intended it to be.
It couldn’t be that bad...
It seemed quite peaceful...
Death..
The beginning of the end...
—---
What?
Where am I?
He tried to breathe, but his lungs were heavy. Filled with the ocean's salty waves.
Shit.
He was deep under water.
Normally one would struggle...He didn’t.
He let himself drown.
—-----
Shaken awake, Saiki had to adjust to the light of day.
“Saiki what happened? Are you ok?”
Mentally? No.
He was covered in sweat. His breathing was ragged. He was not ok.
Aren had brought in a small tray of coffee jelly and sat down. Saiki knew his friends wanted to help.
I wouldn’t want to pull them into my problems.
So he stayed quiet.
He couldn’t say how he allowed himself to feel the water in his lungs. That he sank into the water without struggling. Saiki was supposed to care about his life, but drowning seemed easier.
“Just a bad dream don’t worry”
‘Yeah Kaidou.. Don’t worry so much.’ Aren tried to lift the mood.
Soon they left. They had jobs to attend to, and just came to check on Saiki. ( Using the key Saiki hid in the plant by the front door) They were friends after all, and Saiki was rather on edge. Kaidou could tell, and he wanted to know why.
Saiki was definitely on edge, but he wouldn’t tell them why. No one knew what happened. He planned to keep it that way.
4 days ago. His mind had forced him to try something more than aimlessly cut.
—-----
What am I doing here?
He was in the bathroom. Again.
I shouldn’t do this.
He picked up the knife.
no.
His grip on the blade tightened.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
His hands were scarred, covered in red
I’m supposed to care about myself..
He continued to draw with the blade tracing patterns all over...
Why does this feel so much better?
He passed out on the bathroom floor.
—-----
It was 4 days after the incident.
Pain became pleasure.
He began to get addicted to the sight of red across his skin.
I should tell Kaidou..
Except he couldn’t.
I wouldn’t want to be a burden to him.
So he didn’t
4 days since Saiki tried to kill himself.
4 days since no one checked up on him and left him on his own.
4 days after he was told that his mother was fighting a sickness she couldn’t survive.
4 days since his life collapsed in front of his eyes.
—-----
Death was dumb. Saiki had told himself that multiple times, but now.. The concept of death didn’t sound quite bad. That was until he found out about his mothers medical condition. The doctors knew she wouldn’t survive.
If his mother was fiercely fighting something she couldn’t win..
..What was the point?
He stayed by her all day.
And all night.
“If one of us has to die, I would like to die first.” He had whispered to his mother.
He wanted to fix this.
Use his powers.
He couldn’t
Why couldn’t he use his powers? He didn’t have those anymore.. After an incident with his brother, his powers wouldn’t work..
His father would be by his mothers side every second of the day. The family could only hope for the impossible. Kusuke was trying to make medication or something to help. He was always in a panic, constantly muttering things to himself hoping a solution would present itself.
The doctors ‘couldn’t’ save her.
“Kusuo, Kusuke.. You need to let me go..”
He didn’t die before her. She left him.
Without you this family no longer feels like home.
—----
Saiki sat down on his deck with his small cup of coffee in hand. He enjoyed watching the stars, connecting constellations, and everything of that sort. Saiki always enjoyed quiet nights like these. The stars scattered across the sky lighting up the dark setting.
She was one of them now.
For his 17th birthday his brother gifted him a telescope saying it was ‘a piece of junk he didn’t need.’ Although Saiki knew he was lying he’d never admit how much he loved that present.
His brother cut all ties with him after his mother.. They never talked anymore
He sipped his coffee thinking about how his day went. He moved out of his parents house not too far back. His guilt wouldn’t let him stay.
Saiki didn’t enjoy his mornings (they were filled with meetings)... or any part of the day(that left him too unoccupied) other than the night. The night where he could sleep, and dream about days where his mom was still with him.
Except he couldn’t. He was dealing with Insomnia.
The nights he couldn’t sleep he would watch the stars.
“They’re beautiful.. Like her.”
—----
His brother would visit him soon. Kusuke hadn’t explained why. He didn’t know about the accident. At least he didn’t think he did.
The accident– no, the attempt on his life.
He thought about it ever so often it haunted his dreams and soon his subconscious. It wasn’t as if his friends didn’t check up on him. They simply never noticed these emotions of his. He couldn’t think too far into it. The concept of death didn’t sound quite bad. It would rid him of his panic attacks. His constant self hate, and even anxiety. He’d join the cluster of stars in the sky and see his mother again.
He looked at the sky. Unable to move. His heart rate went up.
Shit.
Not now.
He was having another panic attack. He couldn’t do this now. No one was there to help. No one ever was. He dug his nails into his skin, blood slowly dripping out.
He wanted to scream for help.
To use his voice to say anything.
He was frozen in fear.
Like how he was many days before. Saiki was frozen as he saw his brother enter his view. He couldn’t breathe. He was crumpled into a ball on the floor of his deck.
He scratched at his skin.Pulled at his hair. He couldn’t utter a word.
He was defenseless.
Kusuke had pulled his hands apart to make sure he wouldn’t hurt himself anymore.
“Hey..Hey look at me..me Kusou..”
Saiki looked at his brother. His breath was shaky and uneven. He was scared.
“Ok good.. Uh Kusuo focus on 5 things you can see. Try to even out your breathing.”
He looked at the stars, his brother, the small lights around his deck and the few fireflies. He took a few deep breaths in and out. He was still shaking.
He wasn’t supposed to do this right now. He was supposed to be strong. He wished he didn’t have to be like this.
“Can you speak now?”
Saiki nodded his head.
Kusuke smiled a bit.
“Good. umh tell me 4 things you can feel.”
“Your hands..the floor. Blood..my glasses.”
Fuck. He told them about the blood. It stained my hands. It didn’t stop.
I can’t control it.
I can’t do anything.
“Kusuo..where is the blood”
Kusuke looked him straight in the eye. Soon looking around for hints. Before realizing the liquid dripping from his brother's hands. The red covered it. It didn’t stop. The small drops of blood were continuing as Kusou dug his nails deeper into his skin. Kusuke dragged Kusuo to get ice and placed it onto his palms.
Kusou looked at the pools of blood and the bits of muscle that could be seen.
He collapsed.
This was the first time he got to sleep in a few days since the nightmare..
—————
He had come back to his senses. Getting up from his bed he read a note .
—--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
‘Kusuo, I had to leave.. I made you some breakfast— or lunch? Whenever you wake up, tell me call me.
I know the situation has been hard on us. If there’s anything you would like to talk about, go talk to dad.
I don’t have time for shit <3
You can always call I'm always there though..
Don’t be dumb and die.. I need you to compete and shit.
P.S (Dad loves me more)
The better Saiki, Kusuke.’
—--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saiki smiled a bit after reading the letter.
It wasn’t enough..
BREAKING NEWS CH:46
THE RISING CEO OF IKIAS GOODS. RECENTLY FOUND DEAD IN AN ALLEYWAY.
A MAN WAS FOUND IN AN ALLEYWAY COVERED IN BLOOD.
INVESTIGATORS SAY IT WAS SUICIDE.
THERE WAS ONE WITNESS WHO CLAIMED TO BE WALKING OUT OF A STORE NEARBY.THE MAN SEEMED TO BE IN HIS MID 20’S, WITH PINK HAIR, GREEN GLASSES, AND TWO PINS ATTACHED TO HIS HEAD. RECENT REPORTS SAY THE MAN'S NAME IS SAIKI KUSUO. THE CEO OF IKIAS GOODS...