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Kaeya lies on Ajax’s bed, hand carding through the soft fabric of his hand knit quilt, one that never left the confines of his room.
It was a gift from his grandmother, one that was given when he was born and took so long that by the end of it, she had sores on her knobby fingers from working then so much. It was a story Ajax had told him when they were lying awake one night, too tired to do anything yet too on edge to sleep.
He had studied Ajax’s room carefully, and he realized that it wasn’t messy. It seemed messy, and with how much Ajax’s mom nagged him to clean it you would expect it to be disorganized but it wasn’t. It fascinated Kaeya, the way everything fell into place as though it were a puzzle. The posters carefully overlapped, like he had made sure not to cover anything important while hanging them. The piles of books and CDs and vinyls weren’t haphazard, but rather had their own system, sorted by genre and how often he had listened to them.
Kaeya thinks that’s how he had fallen in love. One day, when Ajax was in the bathroom, he had gotten curious and looked through those piles, those carefully stacked messes, and realized the most worn out ones were at the top, the ones that were loved the most.
Billy Joel. Old Russian songs that would have been more popular with people who were his mom’s age rather than Ajax himself. A mixtape of upbeat songs labeled ‘Fighting Music!’ and Kaeya could practically imagine Ajax dancing in the safety of his room, headphones in both ears, pretending he was the main character in one of those action movies he loved so much.
And in that moment Kaeya wished he was something in this room. Something, anything that fit so seamlessly in Ajax’s life. Something well worn, loved, something that put a smile on Ajax’s face.
He had been interrupted, a playful shove to his back and suddenly they were back playing video games, and Kaeya sat there, pressing at the controller and cheering with Ajax as if his heart hadn’t nearly beat out of his chest over a fucking mixtape, as if he wasnt so in love it hurt.
And of course, he couldn’t have Ajax. He could never have what he loved, it was fate.
________________________
“Dude, don’t look now, but I swear to everything that is holy that Zhongli is looking in my direction.”
Kaeya smiled. His face felt numb, like he couldn’t tell what expression he was making, yet he was absolutely sure he smiled.
“Ajax, just go up to him. It’s not the end of the world, he’s not some divine diety, he’s just a teenager like the rest of us.”
Ajax pouted, and by god Kaeya wished he could kiss him. He really, really did. He would give up anything in that moment to do so, anything.
“Easy for you to say, Mr.Biggest-School-Flirt-Ever. I’m sure getting anyone you want isn’t a big deal for you, but it is for me. I really, really like him, and I don’t think I could even come to school anymore if I confessed and he didn’t like me back.”
Kaeya’s chest ached, as though it had been kicked in. His heart gave slow, solid thumps, and it felt like it was burning. Was he still smiling? He couldn’t tell.
“My my, such flippant words. Those are rumors, Ajax, and trust me when I say I can’t get everyone. I…I understand what you mean, though. It’s important to you. He’s important to you. I’m not making fun of that.”
Ajax turned to him, dull blue eyes studying him in a way that almost made him squirm, before smirking and reaching out to flick his forehead.
“Yeah, yeah. I know, you doofus. I’m not like those idiots that think all you do is sleep with other people. You know I know you better than that. It’s just…yeah. I guess he’s important to me. Really important.”
And such a fond look crossed Ajax’s face then that Kaeya wished he wasn’t here. He wished he was melted into the floor, he wished he could just grin and throw a quip back and leave, he wished he just disappeared into thin air so that bile didn’t have to rise in his throat and that suffocating feeling didn’t have to invade his lungs.
“Yeah,” he managed to get out past the weight on his chest, the grit of his teeth. “I’m sure he is.”
________________________
Kaeya stared down into his tea, wishing that it was murky so he didn’t have to see his own reflection looking back at him. It was a Liyuen blend made from the petals of an Osmanthus flower. One that Zhongli drank constantly, and that Ajax wouldn’t shut up about.
How pathetic.
What would this do? It wouldn’t change anything. Wouldn’t change him. He would still be Kaeya, blue haired, brown skinned Kaeya. The freak with the eyepatch who was only good for one night. He wouldn’t become refined just because he traded in alcohol for some tea. He wouldn’t grow brown hair, wouldn’t become the neat, perfect, well put together student council president. He would be the drunk sports team captain that everyone loved and no one knew. Why would he try to be anything else?
Yet still. He took a sip, a small one, and looked back out into the night through his window, the stains that weren’t quite cleaned dotting the edges of the view.
The stars still weren’t visible, the light pollution killing them where they hung in the sky. The bitter taste washed through his mouth, and he felt like spitting, if only to get rid of it, get rid of the noxious flavor that seemed to follow him everywhere he went, everytime he saw his best friend looking lovestruck, the one he adores obsessed with someone else.
He takes another sip, and looks back at the road. Empty.
What’s so good about Zhongli anyway? It wasn’t as if it was the end of it all. Ajax would still be his best friend, and hell, maybe the whole thing wouldn’t even last that long.
You’d like that, wouldn’t you? To see your best friend heartbroken? Kaeya Alberich, most selfish man of them all, wants the worst for those he claims to love. Typical.
Because that was it, wasn’t it? Kaeya always ruined everything. Be it with his own fucked up feelings, or his own fucked up actions, it was simply what he did. He couldn’t have good things, because for people like him it was never enough. Why couldn’t it be enough?
A tear hit the small amount of tea left at the bottom of the cup, and Kaeya reached up to scrub at his face. How stupid, he thought, laughing wetly. Kaeya Alberich, crying over an unrequited love. Who would’ve thought.
It was like a dam burst, and suddenly Kaeya was sobbing over a cup of tea. It was stupid, so stupid. They were just high schoolers for god’s sake. It wasn’t as though it was the end of the world. Ajax just liked someone else, someone who wasn’t him. Ajax, who had come up to him in the playground in Kindergarten even though no other kid had tried. Ajax, who fought him with stick swords and cardboard shields, pretending they were knights fighting for glory. Ajax, who stuck by his side thick and thin as they grew up, leaning on each other no matter what. Ajax, Ajax, Ajax. Kaeya sniffled, laughing at his own misery.
The ironic part was, the moment he was feeling like this the first person he’d go to was Ajax. He’d knock on his door no matter how late it was, he’d sneak up past his sleeping parents and curl up in Ajax’s bed, cry his eye out in his sheets, and wake up to his parents' pretend surprise, along with a breakfast so big it could feed three families ten times over.
So what do you do, he wonders, when you’re mourning comfort? Who do you go to if the one you love is the one person you can’t have?
He leaves the cold tea on his desk, pretending like his tears haven’t stained the papers lying on it. Not even bothering to close the blinds, he collapses on his bed, trying and failing to find comfort in his own blankets, to wrap himself up in a protective shell so tight that nothing could filter through. Only through sheer exhaustion does he fall asleep like that, head tucked into his kees and a blanket the only thing protecting his shoulders from the weight of it all.
________________________
Kaeya hefted his bag onto one shoulder, ignoring the questioning looks he was getting. It was the end of the day and his concealer had faded. The dark circles under his eyes were clear, and the tiredness in his bones even more so. Pulling out his phone, he shot a quick text to his brother, before opening his message history to Ajax and taking a deep breath. His eyes quickly skimmed over their last conversation, ignoring the pang in his heart as he read. It was just some late night text about homework. Nothing he should’ve gotten worked up about.
K: Hey. Got fencing practice later. Can’t hang tonight. See u tmrw.
A: Seriously?
A: I mean. If you’re sure.
K: Yeah.
Sighing, he slipped his phone into his pocket before reaching for his umbrella, packed in the deep recesses of this locker. His hand did one search, and then another, before his eye went wide. Shit. Attempting to clear some of his things, he searched his locked for a minute or two before coming up empty, sighing as he closed the door with a click and figuring he’d just get soaked on the way home.
Stepping into the school enterance, he slipped one hand out, testing the strength of the downpour that interrupted his journey back.
“Kaeya Alberich, was it?”
Kaeya jolted at the words, recognizing the smooth tone and confident diction anywhere.
“Yeah. Zhongli, right?” He asked, flippant, as though the other boy’s very existence hadn’t been plaguing him for the past few weeks.
“Yes. I fear I’ve noticed the fact that you lack appropriate covering for the rainy day weather. I request that you borrow my spare umbrella to make up for it.”
Kaeya wanted to laugh. Of course the guy he hated wanted to help him out. As if the universe needed to screw him over any more.
“Thanks but-“
“Please, I insist.”
And before he knew it Zhongli was pressing that perfectly wrapped black umbrella into his hands, the sleek texture implying its expense. Kaeya’s mouth went dry, and he had to clear his throat so as to make sure it didn’t crack.
“Thank you. I guess I’ll need it.” His voice was quiet, resigned. This was the guy he was losing Ajax to. This kind, sweet guy who was probably Kaeya’s opposite in every way imaginable. It was good that Ajax had fallen for Zhongli. Someone who wouldn’t hurt him, not like Kaeya would. Someone who didn’t ask for more than what they got.
“Of course.” When had Zhongli’s voice taken on that warm tone? It was as though he was the antithesis to the rain around them, a respite to the cold harshness that Kaeya belonged to.
“Say… you know Ajax, don’t you?”
Kaeya’s heart stopped. His lungs burned and his face warmed and his limbs weakened.
“…Yes.”
“Ah, do tell him I said ‘Hello’. He is a wonderful acquaintance.”
Kaeya doesn’t think he could ever forget Zhongli’s smile in that moment. It was small, yet suited him so well. It was graceful, and spoke of something that wasn’t yet love, but with the right time and effort, could easily blossom into something more. Something Ajax would receprocate, something he’d welcome and cherish. Something he’d want.
Kaeya swallows past the lump in his throat, unable to meet Zhongli’s gaze for even a minute more.
“I’ll uh. I’ll let him know.” His tone was short, clipped, and he barely saw Zhongli’s brows furrow before opening the umbrella in his hands and taking off. He ran, uncaring of the wet puddles splashing filthy water on his jeans, the potential dangers of slipping and falling before he reaches home. All he can think about is Zhongli and Ajax. Ajax and Zhongli. Smiling, laughing, everything Kaeya’s ever imagined having with Ajax, now becoming Zhongli’s. It was what Ajax wanted after all, wasn’t it? To belong to Zhongli, to be happy with him, to share every waking moment with each other.
After all, that was what Kaeya wanted with him.
He stopped suddenly, crouching down on the sidewalk next to a pedestrian crossing sign, face in his knees as his hand barely held up the umbrella that was keeping him from being entirely soaked. He was breathing hard, his face wet, with tears or raindrops he couldn’t tell. How foolish. Was all he did lately cry?
Panting, he wiped his face with a sleeve, pushing his wet bangs out of the way, making sure his lovelock lay upon his chest, the way it usually does. Dusting himself off, he stood, making sure to hold the umbrella carefully. He looked down solemnly, willing one foot to move, to do anything. Why was it that his body never did as he asked anymore? All it did was act on how he felt. It disturbed him to no end. Finally, as the rain thinned and the sun shone through clouds, Kaeya began walking, slowly but surely, back home. It would be ok, wouldn’t it? Even if Zhongli and Ajax got together. The crushing feeling in his chest wouldn’t last forever. It couldn‘t.
____________________
“The Tsaritsa is the goddess of love.” Ajax had told him once, tracing a line on his arm when they both lay in his bed, facing each other.
“You’re quite the devotee, arent you?” Kaeya had teased, focusing on the way Ajax’s lashes fell on his cheek when he blinked.
“Yes, I am.” Ajax had replied softly, still tracing his arm. “No matter who, no matter what, I will always love my God.”
Kaeya’s breathing slowed, finally catching up to the gravity of the conversation.
“Love can't be evil. Love can cause evil actions, but it, in and of itself, is never evil.”
Kaeya almost reached up to fiddle with a strand of Ajax’s hair, something stopping him each time he tried.
“I believe that.” He whispered, words that floated between the two of them. “I believe you.”
Ajax had smiled, then, not quite looking at Kaeya.
“Good. It’s always more simple than you think it is.”
“Yeah.” He had agreed, hand coming up to cover Ajax’s. “It is.”
________________________
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
The words had come from the most unexpected of places.
Peering through Kaeya’s window, decked in a winter hat, coat and gloves, stood Ajax, frowning in all his glory. A red scarf wrapped around his neck, giving the distinct impression of a somewhat round penguin.
Kaeya’s first instinct was to deny the accusation. He opened his mouth to do so, yet snapped it shut the moment Ajax glared at him.
“And don’t spew some bullshit, I know you have.”
“…Come inside. It’s too cold out there.”
Helping Ajax inside, he shut the window after him, turning just in time to see the boy shiver and sneeze, face scrunching up in discomfort. Fuck. Kaeya thought that was the cutest thing he’d ever seen. He was so fucked.
“Ok, now tell me why you’ve been acting like I’m the literal plague lately.” Ajax scowled, pushing one sleeve out of his thick coat as Kaeya helped him with the other.
Kaeya smiled with a hint of sadness he hoped Ajax wouldn’t pick up on.
“I’ve just been busy, that’s all.” He said softly, as though if a lie were quiet enough, it would suddenly become believable.
“Ok, that’s not true. I’ve seen you juggle three finals on the same day, a project due the next, and still make time to kill zombies with me that Monday. You- ugh.”
Free of his clothing prison, Ajax grabbed Kaeya’s face with his hands, squishing his cheeks in a way that would be comical if Kaeya’s heart wasn’t beating in overtime. He looked into Kaeya’s eye like it was the only thing in the world, searching for something he desperately hoped was there.
“Listen. If it’s something I said, something I did…you’d tell me, right? Kaeya, dude, I care about you. Like, so much. And I’m not about to let something I don’t even know about drive us apart after 15 years.”
Kaeya wanted to laugh hysterically. He wanted to scream and pound at Ajax’s chest and punch him, beat him till-
“Nothing’s wrong.” He forced the warm, soft yet slightly calloused hands away from his face. “You- you didn’t do anything. I’m just…stuck in my head. That’s all. You know how I get.”
Ajax frowned, staring down at the hands that now hover in front of him.
“I know. It’s just that whenever you got like this, I was the person you came to. When did that stop, Kae? And why didn’t I notice?”
Kae. The nickname rang in his ears even though he’d heard it a thousand times before. To Ajax, he was still Kae. What exactly did that mean?
“You didn’t do anything.” Kaeya said softly. “It’s me.” It was always him, wasn’t it? His feelings. His thoughts. Him.
“Yeah well.” Ajax leaned forward, knocking his head against Kaeya’s forehead. “Tell me about it, yeah? Even if it is all in your head. I always wanna hear it. Not- not cause I’m being nice. You know I’m not nice. But cause it’s you Kae, and I always have space, time, energy, you name it, if it’s you.”
Kaeya thought he would die from a heart attack right then and there. Was it possible for someone’s heart to skip this many beats? Was he dying? He was dying.
“Ajax-“ His voice cracked embarrassingly, and his cheeks flushed so hard he was sure all the blood in his body had rushed to them. The words died on his tongue and for a moment, he just stood there, feeling the way Ajax’s forehead rested against his.
After a minute or two, Ajax stepped back and ruffled his hair, grinning, just like he’d do with one of his younger siblings.
“Now come on, I know for a fact that your dad is cooking pancakes and Mr. Ragnvindr makes the /best/ pancakes of all time.”
Kaeya blinked, trying to keep up with the rush of emotions cycling through his head.
“Yeah, uh, you go on ahead. I still gotta…brush my teeth.”
“Alberich, you are nasty. It’s 11 am. Get yourself together.” Ajax teased, shoving Kaeya by the arm lightly before grabbing his coat from the floor beside them and running down the hall, leaving Kaeya standing there, face so red that it was times like this he was grateful no one could tell he was blushing.
________________________
“I’ve got a date with Zhongli!”
Kaeya stiffened, almost dropping the phone entirely into the pile of laundry he was currently doing. Cursing internally, he tried for a teasing tone, even though it felt as though he were being ripped in two.
“Sucked it up and finally asked him, did you?”
Kaeya spoke into the phone, robotic, preset words. Words one would say to a friend. Words to use when you need to support someone. Words to use when you aren’t pretending that you have it all together, like that sentence didn’t just crush every potentially happy scenario you had ever had in your head.
“Shut up. Anyways, I…I guess it’s a date? I don’t know. I mean, with how fancy he talks all the time I’m pretty sure it is and I’m just overthinking. Point is, we’re going to the movies and it will be the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
The best thing. The words echoed in Kaeya’s head, even as he forced himself to put some smile into his tone, as he forced himself to pretend like his fists weren’t clenched.
“Right. Well, I wish you luck, Ajax. I’m sure it’ll go great.”
“…Sure. You sure you’re ok? I know we talked, but dude, you’re still acting like-“
“I’m fine, Ajax.” He interrupted, before pressing two fingers to his forehead and closing his eyes. Pull it together, Alberich. “I’m just…preoccupied. Good luck. I’ll talk later.”
“Ka-“ The click of the reciever rung through the air, and Kaeya felt only marginally guilty for hanging up on him. A date. With the guy he liked. A guy who wasn’t Kaeya and never would be.
Dropping the phone on his bed, he collapsed face first into the pillows, the pressure forcing his eyes and mouth close. He couldn’t cry, not anymore. It was as if he’d run out of tears. Or maybe he’d just lost the ability to cry, just like he’d lost the ability to pretend like it was all okay, to smile at Ajax as he slipped through his fingers, to just accept the fact that he didn’t have Ajax’s love and never would. Not in the way he wanted.
Turning his head to the side, he stared at the blank wall, the slightly off white color being it’s only distinctive feature. A date. With Zhongli. They would go to the movies, eat popcorn, look at each other during kiss scenes then look away, all the things Kaeya could possibly ever want to do.
Sometimes he thinks about it, about what would happen if he simply confessed to Ajax. Would it end it all, even their friendship? Would he have to stand there and watch as Ajax’s face fell, as he attempted to scrape up some sort of explanation that would let Kaeya down easy, that would make sure they’d still be friends? Would Kaeya accept, smile with a calmness he’d never feel, let the rejection wash over him and simply move on, best friends with Ajax and never anything more?
He shoved his face back into the pillow, groaning with a rumble so deep it ran through him.
He hated this. He hated feeling this way. Why couldn’t he simply cut it out? Purge it, like some malignant tumor?
Love is never evil, Kaeya
“Yeah well.” Kaeya grumbled into his pillow. “I think this love might be.”
________________________
It was snowing. Kaeya liked the snow, he thought. He didn’t like the cold, the ice, the savageness of the weather that was so unforgiving. Ironically, that was exactly what Ajax loved about winter. He hated the snow, saying it was soft yet too loud at the same time. Kaeya had pretended to understand what he had meant at the time, but now, looking out into the plain fields of white that surrounded him, he thought he finally understood.
“Kaeya! God, I’ve finally found you.” Cringing, Kaeya didn’t turn around, letting the voice calling out to him get closer on its own.
“You sneaky bastard, why are you so hard to catch-“ Ajax panted, landing a gloved hand on Kaeya’s shoulder. He looked up at him, yet Kaeya was too afraid to meet his gaze. What exactly would he see in there?
“Hey,” Ajax said, not unkindly, having pulled himself to full height and taken the hand off his shoulder. He missed it.
“I don’t know what happened, Why we’re…weird. I don’t think I’ll ever know, it’s just the way you are.”
Kaeya felt his eyes sting. What exactly did that mean? He was right wasn’t he. It’s because he’s him. Because he’s Kaeya.
“I don’t blame you for that.”
Kaeya wanted to snort. How contradictory.
“You know, when I hadn’t seen you in the past three weeks, I somehow knew you’d be here. Well, not somehow. I mean, like…it was sort of your comfort place. I don’t know if you could tell, it was just where you’d always go.”
Kaeya wanted to stare at Ajax. Comfort place? He didn’t purposefully come here. It just happened. What, was Ajax going to pretend to know Kaeya better than himse-
Kaeya’s thoughts froze. That was just it, wasn’t it? Ajax thought knew him better than he even knew himself. He let out a chuckle, the air in front of him fogging up with his warm breath.
“It was where I’d met you.” Kaeya said softly, knowing Ajax would hear him anyways. “You found me here, crouched down and drawing in the dirt with a stick, alone cause no one else wanted to play with me.”
“Damn. I always did think you were cooler than all the other kids. That eyepatch really got to me, if you couldn’t tell.” Kaeya wanted to laugh even more at this. Of course he could tell. Ajax was never subtle, even as a kid.
“It was you, Ajax. You’re my comfort place.” The words slipped out, before Kaeya could stop them. Ajax turned his head sharply, staring at him with eyes that dug into him, trying to find something, anything that would explain away the enigma of Kaeya Alberich. Kaeya met his gaze this time, not even bothering to hide the adoration in his single eye.
“Kaeya-“
“It’s not what you think it is.”
“Kaeya just-“
“It hurt. It hurt a lot, Ajax hurt so much.”
“Kaeya!”
Kaeya finally looked at him. Really looked at him, didn’t simply zoned out in his direction, or open himself to Ajax’s eyes. He simply looked back at Ajax.
“Kaeya…this…what exactly…”
“Ajax, I love you.”
Ajax stood there, motionless for a second, eyes wide.
“You…?”
And suddenly, it was like something broke. Kaeya began laughing, he laughed, openly and from his heart. He laughed, at Ajax’s open mouthed expression, at the snow that was so clear save for the tracks the two had made on the way here. He laughed at the fact that he had been beating himself up so much only to blurt it all out, now, in the snow that Ajax disliked so much. He laughed at the fact that Ajax was now turning red, his face like a tomato, so bright against the white background. Wiping a tear, his laughter finally petered out, ending with only a chuckle, a couple heavy breathes into the cold air, and the most honest smile he’d had on his face in a while.
“Ajax, you Goddamned idiot. I love you.”