Work Text:
5:16:16
̶T̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶C̶i̶p̶h̶
̶T̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶A̶g̶e̶n̶t̶
This is Cerelyah Vul'tra, Sith Intelligence, Commander of Special Projects Division.
Even if none of that is true.
For one thing, it's still difficult to call myself anything other than Cipher Nine. I know that I'll never think of myself as anything else. My memories were altered after I became a Cipher, they obscured anything that could be used against me. I can't remember my parents' faces, what planet I was raised on - for years I didn't even know my own name. It still doesn't feel real, not in the way that I am Cipher Nine.
There is no Special Projects Division anyway, and it doesn't matter, because nobody will ever read this. There's no one to report to except the new Minister herself, but the Medical Division is nosier than Keeper ever was. Not that anyone in psych has a high enough clearance to actually talk with me. The last time I was there I was told to start writing my feelings down instead, so now I'm stuck with this glorified diary that will alert my doctors if I go too long without writing anything. Because there couldn't be any better use for my time.
This had better be enough to appease the almighty Medical Division.
5:22:16
Vector says I should be doing more than complaining about having to write this. He probably has a point. My husband worries about me a little too much, but considering that I don't worry about myself enough, it might be for the best. I'm glad he puts up with me, especially given how often I wake him up lately.
I suppose it's worth mentioning that I'm prone to nightmares. It's hard to tell when that started. Gradually, perhaps. In my line of business, you see horrible things, you do horrible things. The holovids get it all wrong, of course. It's not sitting up and screaming; it never has been for me, at least. I just toss and turn and thrash around in my sleep until Vector wakes me up to try and calm me down. Once, I nearly broke his jaw before I realized what was actually going on around me. Bless his heart. It makes me wonder if Killiks can smell fear.
5:31:16
Can't stand not knowing who ratted me out. Had to be someone on my team. Had to be someone who would notice and who would care. Vector cares the most, and he's the most likely to have noticed that I was getting bad again. But he's no good at lying to me. SCORPIO wouldn't care, Kaliyo wouldn't notice, Lokin would want to treat me himself instead of going over my head. The only person of interest left is Temple. I'm not going to bother asking why. She only ever does the right thing.
6:13:16
I shouldn't be failing like this. I was trained to withstand anything. I have access to the best cybernetics and medical care that the Empire has to offer. But just look at me, I'm falling apart. Keep imagining things.
Vector doesn't act like he used to around me. I think he's worried.
6:22:16
I don't blame Temple anymore. This feels like what happened after Taris, just... slower. I'm losing my mind again. The question is why, and somehow every answer is worse than the last.
Conditioning always has its risks. I saw what it did to ̶W̶a̶t̶ Shara Jenn. The Empire altered her limbic system. She wanted to be free, but she was still so scared of it. And I had far more programming than she did. Chemicals like dimalium-6 could have any number of side effects. Is that what's happening to me? Is it out of control, or did I trigger some kind of failsafe?
Does it even matter, when I can't do anything about it?
6:27:16
It's not my fault. I'm not... defective. I've never failed. I'm not going to fail now.
I may have found a solution, but truth be told it's just as dangerous as the problem. And my superiors will absolutely hate it. But I never did care what they think anyway.
Because I remembered something from the files I found about my original brainwashing. It acts on the same pathway as Killik pheromones. Vector has agreed to help me test it. And if it works... then I'll take the next step.
7:3:16
We did it. We've gone through with it now. Vector is helping us adjust to the changes. He said that he was sorry, but there's really nothing to apologize for. We feel so much better.
The nightmares, the fear - they are gone, and the mind of the hive has taken their place. It is so wonderful to see and taste the world as Vector does, to feel his mind sitting next to ours.
The nest welcomed us, as we expected. They will protect us when the Empire comes looking for their lost agent. It was like coming home.
We cannot wait to see what we will accomplish together.
If the Empire ever reads this log: pray that you do not see us again.