Chapter Text
••••
Can't count the years on one hand
That we've been together
I need the other one to hold you
Make you feel, make you feel better
••••
It’s been 12 years since Max left London. That part of his life—Europe, traveling, cancer treatments, her —is something Max has tried hard to push far away from the forefront of his thinking. It’s defining in its own terrifying and irreparable ways; however, only Max knows the true extent of history. History that’s so often muddied by an infusion of resurfaced memories and events.
Except for the too-sudden realization that it’s not just history, Max knows stepping back into the streets of London, into the clinic he spent more time at than anywhere else in the expansive and endlessly entertaining city; he’s as hopeless as he was the first time around.
The memories of a painful time in his life come flooding back with the intrusive sensation of butterflies fluttering throughout his abdomen. The time he’d spent in Europe, mainly in London, was a time so outlined by his idea of running away from it all to chase whatever opportunity—or person—came first to his mind, in a naive and headstrong manner only a young man could possess. By feeling it all again, Max is suddenly all too aware of its weight.
A lifetime had passed, and yet everything remained the same the moment he stepped foot into that cozy clinic rooted in the heart of Hampstead and the outskirts of his favorite city in the whole world. The first and only place he’d ever felt truly home .
Max is barely twenty-two years old when he spontaneously packs up all his belongings and takes a single suitcase across the Atlantic Ocean to London. It’s the first stop of many he thinks. He’d had a whole dream of vacationing in Scotland, sightseeing in England, and trying all the pastries he could manage to stomach in France.
It’s an escape plan, Max is well aware of that. His parents are freshly divorced and with that comes a sense of anger Max isn’t exactly sure what to do with. It makes him upset that he’s even mad about it because from the time Luna died fourteen years ago he’s only begged them to stop fighting. And now that fighting is officially over, so is his family.
He’s on his own now.
The sense of freedom is exciting on one end of the spectrum, and completely terrifying on the other. That’s what reminds Max, as he steps off the plane, to follow his gut feelings. Trust the people he meets and let them take him wherever they may go. Let experience, not his own, be the guide.
Max reminisces on the spontaneous young man he was the last time he rode a taxi cab in this borough. The red double-decker buses are still as prevalent as he remembered. The police sirens that are a stark difference from the ones in New York remind Max of all he’d witnessed in passing the first time around. The buildings he grew to know like the back of his hand as a young man have barely aged since he left.
Max has. He’s been broken down, built up, put through challenges he’d never anticipated, and made memories he’ll hold on to for the rest of his life. Yet, there’s one thing he hasn’t done since he left London. One vital, ineradicable, and completely life-altering thing Max hasn’t done.
Max hasn’t loved since he was twenty-two. He hasn't loved anyone since Helen Sharpe.
••••
It's not a walk in the park
To love each other
But when our fingers interlock,
Can't deny, can't deny you're worth it
'Cause after all this time I'm still into you
••••
The smell of the waiting room in the familiar clinic Max knows eerily well hasn’t changed within 12 years. It reeks of sticky hand sanitizer and lemon cleaning wipes. The creak of the rusty chairs, and sharp edges of the coffee table holding a variety of magazines cataloging the royal family, are the same as they were over a decade ago. However, the faces are vastly different. The girl who took Max’s name is hardly over eighteen years old, and the man who’d come out of the elevator is nothing other than a passerby Max will never think a second longer about. The faces made this specific clinic a place Max won’t forget. The faces gave it character.
The memories are why Max feels so at home the moment he walks in. Memories of the fight of this life, but also memories of the love of this life. Two separate, but infinitely intertwining ends of a short story written on the pages of a notebook buried in a lifetime's worth of regret and misfortune. Memories that, like the beauty of the Ancient texts of myths and legends, fill Max’s every blood vessel with hope that he can’t seem to find a description for.
However, one thing is different this time around. He’s not here worn down by chemotherapy or emaciated by his lack of appetite. Max is here to fulfill his calling. The calling that pulled him back across the Atlantic to salvage the remaining pieces of a life he’s spent the last decade only recalling through dreams tucked away in his subconscious. Dreams that made his whole body ache for the touch of one woman, and the familiar way her name rolls off his tongue. He’s here to collect his broken promises and make them right. He’s here to give this clinic the amount of support and care they gave him. He’s here for his second chance in life.
“Dr. Goodwin?” The deep voice of a male sounds throughout the waiting room as Max pops up from his chair.
Max smiles softly at the gruff face of the older doctor that pulls him into his office. Max takes a seat across from his senior and fiddles with the paper folder he’s holding.
The man clears his throat and proceeds to speak up, “I’m under the impression that you are seeking to fulfill our empty position in internal medicine?”
Max nods, that single email from a friend still working in this city was the reason he’s all the way here and not in New York. “I am.”
“Here at Hampstead we’re always willing to take a chance on foreign doctors, like yourself,” Max hardly feels foreign, this city is his home, “but we do have some concerns about your background.”
Max raises a brow, “concerns?”
“Before coming here you were medical director of New Amsterdam and medical director of Chinatown medical center, both in New York.”
It’s all true, “that’s correct,” Max replies.
“It’s been nearly five years since you practiced medicine, Dr. Goodwin.” The older man clarifies with a hint of disdain in his tone, “you’d be of much more help to anywhere else in a leadership position.”
“But I’m not here to do that, am I?”
“Pardon?”
Max looks the older man in the eye, “I know I may be out of practice a little, but this clinic was what made me want to become a doctor, this clinic saved me in more ways than one. And I owe the staff and patients here to make up that difference.” Max’s tone is firm, yet respectful. He has to get this job, it’s all he has left.
“I’ll hire you, Dr. Goodwin,” the man states, “but you’re going to need to speak with the medical director about where you’d best be suited, I’m sure she has ideas.”
Max’s shoulders roll back in relief as he sighs heavily. “Thank you, sir,” Max says as he stands up and shakes the older man’s hand.
The man nods and leads Max out of the room, “Dr. Sharpe’s office is on the third floor, I’ll let her know to expect you.”
Max stops dead in his tracks. Did he just say what Max thinks he did? Sharpe? As in Helen Sharpe?
Max swallows the lump that so quickly formed in the back of his throat. He manages to mumble out thanks to the older doctor and click the elevator button. Surely he’s mistaken, right? There’s no way.
Max wanders through the hallway before he finds a nurse and asks her to point him toward the medical director’s office. His time here before had been spent mostly on the treatment floor, so this is as new to him as anywhere else.
When Max sees it, his heart skips a beat. The small plaque is seemingly a simple detail of a professional workplace, but it causes him to lose feeling in his whole body.
Medical Director: Dr. Helen Sharpe
Twelve years had passed since he’d last seen her, and she’s still here. She never left, even though he went running. She’s been waiting all these years, and all he had to do was come back home.
Max somehow manages to regain his composure enough to knock on her door. His muscles voluntarily make the choice for him. He’s instantly taken back to all the times he knocked on a door knowing she was on the other side. It’s a magical sensation he hopes he’ll never stop craving. But this time he can’t help feeling that he’s knocking on his future, not the past.
“Come in,” the voice is hard to hear coherently through the wooden door between them, but Max could know from a thousand miles away that it’s her. It’s Helen.
Max opens the door, taking in with it the next chapter of his life. There have been two chapters before this one. One with Helen, and one without. He refuses to relive the latter.
Max’s eyes land on her and all the oxygen is stolen from his lungs. She's breathtaking. She has changed so much since he’s last seen her. Her curly hair is fashioned in long braids and dreadlocks, her usual button-down blouse is exchanged for an oversized blazer and dress. However, her face is the exact same. With age has come a glow that Max can’t deny. Her soulful brown eyes capture his gaze in the same way they had when he was twenty-two years old.
“Max.”
That single syllable manages to seize a lifetime’s worth of unspoken words only strung together by the single thread remaining on a tether so worn-down and frail, but strong enough to withstand the most intense storms of life.
“Helen.”
Max can tell she’s going through the same rollercoaster of emotions he is. Shock. Panic. Joy. Confusion. “You’re here?” Her voice is familiar, safe. It’s the voice of reason Max has been hearing in his ear every day for the last twelve years.
“I am.” It’s an acknowledgment of something, something neither of them know what to truly define as.
“I didn’t think you’d ever come back.”
Max looks deep inside her and he’s hit with the first flash of pain he knows he caused her, “I always knew I’d end up back here. This is home.”
Helen smiles and Max can feel his legs going weak. Her smile got him through the toughest days of his life. “Are you okay?” Helen asks, showing a level of concern Max has only known her to show.
Max nods as he sits down on the couch across from her desk, “I am. I came back for a job interview, I never imagined you’d be here.” Never in a million years would he have pictured Helen Sharpe as the medical director of the clinic they met at, but life has had a sneaky way of surprising Max through the years.
Helen sucks in a breath, “I never left.”
Max lowers his head, ashamed and unsure. She’s been waiting for him, or for any sign of him for the last twelve years, and all he’s done is run from it. “I’m here now, and we’re finally working together.” It’s all Max can manage to say. Anything beyond that is something he’s not even sure how to comprehend, much less express.
Helen sighs and offers Max a single word, “yes.” It feels like a promise, a promise that she’s still here for him.
Max hands her his papers and lets her review them as he sits in silence across from her. Max takes note of her every movement. The way her brow furrows softly as she reads through his file, or the way she licks the pad of her thumb when she turns the page. “New Amsterdam, in New York City?” Helen says as she raises her head to meet his gaze.
Max nods, “the job of a lifetime.” He smiles.
Helen shakes her head as he closes the file, “and now you’re here? To work under me?”
Max wants to tell her that there is no place he'd rather be, but he doesn’t. He can’t risk speaking too soon. “Yep.”
“Why, Max? What brought you back across the Atlantic?” Helen covers her mouth after she says it. It’s intrusive. If this were anyone other than Max she might have apologized immediately, but Helen needs to hear his answer. She can’t keep herself from wondering why. She’s been doing that for twelve years.
Max sighs, the blue of his eyes going slightly dark, “my wife and I, we divorced and I got custody of our daughter. The moment I heard that, I knew I had to come back home.”
Home. It makes Helen’s heart flutter. London was her home, and somehow—someway—it had become Max’s. “Your daughter?”
The tone in which Helen says that radiates through Max’s sternum, “Luna, she’s five, almost six.” The truth stings because Max knows if he hadn't rushed out of London so quickly after that summer then maybe they’d be having a different conversation.
Helen’s face morphs into an unreadable expression, “I’m happy for you, Max. It seems like you had everything you wanted.”
Had . It’s technically true to most, but Max never had it. And now he has the opportunity to change that. “And you? What have you gotten up to since I left, besides becoming the medical director?” He says it with a genuine tone of eagerness that Helen sincerely thinks he wants to know.
However, it’s not that simple. Her life has hardly gone anywhere since he left, or at least in the long-term. “I actually have a son,” Helen says as she turns around one of the many pictures on her desk, letting Max see the one good thing about her life without him. “He’s seven months old.”
Max smiles brightly as he sees the picture of the baby. The little boy in the picture frame looks so much like Helen that he can’t help but think about what could have been. What could have been if he hadn’t been so reckless and afraid. “He’s adorable Helen, he looks just like you.” He’s dreamt of this in many parallel worlds, but never had the courage to think longer about it. “And his dad?”
Helen looks down, “he died before Milo was born. It’s just been me and him.” He'd been the one man she’d loved since Max and then he’d been taken from her. The universe was always cruel to her when it came to loving someone. Someone other than the man sitting across from her.
Max reaches across the table, placing his hand on Helen’s, “I’m so sorry, Helen. I didn’t mean to…”
“It’s okay, Max, really,” Helen assures him as she stands up, handing Max his file back. “I’ll send you the list of things you’ll be covering as a department head,” she explains. “I expect you to be on-time, Monday morning.”
Max grins and looks Helen in the eye, “I will be.” He promises. “It’ll be good to be back here, especially since I know you’ll be here.”
Helen offers him a soft smile as she closes the door behind him. The last eighteen months of her life have been the most life changing since the summer she spent with Max when she was barely out of school. And now he’s back.
He’s back and so is the feeling Helen has only felt when Max was around. And that undefined emotion terrifies her like none other.
••••
I should be over all the butterflies
But I'm into you (I'm into you)
And baby even on our worst nights
I'm into you (I'm into you)
••••
Helen is halfway through bathtime with Milo when her phone buzzes from the nearby countertop. Helen doesn’t make it a priority to check her phone on the weekends, especially now that she’s a mother, but the prospect of a text this late in the evening on a Sunday piques her interest. The only person she can think of that would be texting at this time is her own mum.
Helen lays her hand on Milo’s back as he continues splashing in the tub, covering her sweatshirt in water droplets. “Hang on, baby. Mummy needs to check this really quick.”
Helen looks down at her phone, and smiles slightly at the name on the screen.
Max Goodwin: is it too unprofessional to bring pastries on the first day? maybe sneak out for tea at lunchtime?
Helen laughs at his message. That was something he had done all those years ago when they’d been together. Max would always show up to the clinic with a pastry for her and then sneak back out for tea at an inappropriate time. But that was just him.
Helen Sharpe: pastries, yes. Now the tea might have to wait until your second week.
He’s texted her a couple times since the interview last Wednesday, and it’s been nice. Or at least that’s the easiest description Helen can give it without thinking too much about it.
He’s changed so little since the last time she’s seen him. His optimism, relentless joy, and overwhelming sense of purpose are still so present in his whole being that it envelops Helen so swiftly, and without her invitation. It makes her feel more vulnerable than she’s felt in a long time.
However freeing it is, Helen resists it. Her list of responsibilities are growing day after day and the last thing she needs is an inability to accomplish those because of an unwanted emotional burden brought on by someone she’s been determined to keep away from her heart.
Losing Max the first time had shattered her heart into a million pieces, and risking it all over again isn’t something Helen is willing to do.
Giving her heart away to anyone other than the baby captivating her whole soul as he splashes bath water in her face just isn’t worth it. For Milo’s sake at least.
The smiling baby boy, covered in bubbles, is Helen’s whole life now. Regardless of whatever may be going on in and out of her professional and personal life, Milo is her priority.
“Is this for me?” Helen says in a light tone as the baby hands her one of his bath toys, his small gummy smile pushing one onto Helen’s face.
Helen takes the toy into her hand and starts to play along with whatever game he has going on in his little head as she finishes wiping the soap off of his tiny body. Helen savors every moment she gets to spend in his imagination, surrounded by cars or animals the baby is so enamored with.
As a working mother, Helen often feels the guilt of leaving him in nursery five days a week for longer periods of time than she had ever pictured. But in all honesty, she didn’t picture any of this. She didn’t picture losing Mohammed months before their wedding. She didn’t picture a positive pregnancy test amid the largest swarms of grief she’s ever felt. And she most certainly didn’t picture having to be both of Milo’s parents. She never pictured doing this on her own.
Yet, as life so often reminds her, what is thought to be impossible is often what ends up becoming a reality. And that’s as equally true as it is petrifying.
Helen makes quick work of drying off the slippery baby with his towel and changing him to put his pajamas on. Seven months ago she’d been terrified of what was going to happen when the baby she’d kept so safe and sound inside of her came out. However, seven months later, Helen has finally found her footing.
Milo loves it when she puts lotion on his chubby legs. He loves when she kisses his cheek repeatedly, often laughing in the sweetest giggle Helen has ever heard. He much prefers her to his bottle when it comes to morning or evening feeds, but will take the bottle during the day when he’s in nursery. Milo sleeps easiest when Helen lets him sleep in bed with her, otherwise he’s awake most nights crying until Helen comes into his room. He’s a happy and joyful baby more times than not, and Helen has never been more thankful for that. He’s the light at the end of the tunnel. A tunnel Helen had been running through for long over a decade.
Max Goodwin: I’ll keep that in mind.
Helen glances over at the text as she settles Milo on her hip and starts walking towards the rocking chair in the corner of the room. The nursery had been decorated with fictitious mythological animals long before she’d found out he was a boy. It was his special place. His Mount Olympus of sorts.
Helen types out a quick response as she rearranges the tired baby in her lap so he can nurse.
Helen Sharpe: nervous for your first day?
Milo quickly starts to eat as soon as he feels the sensation of her heartbeat. They’re connected on a level Helen never anticipated was possible. And the quiet moments she can spend feeding him before bed make up for all the sleepless nights and long grueling days away from him.
Max Goodwin: a little. Luna keeps trying to convince me to take her. She’s more nervous for her first day of primary school.
Helen smiles softly at the mention of his daughter. Helen wonders if Luna is anything like Max. Is she bubbly or lively? Does she carry around his ability to make people laugh and smile without any regard to their life situation? Does she have his eyes?
Helen Sharpe: which school is she attending?
Max Goodwin: St. Francis, right near the clinic.
Helen knows the school, the kids there would often take a yearly field trip to the hospital to learn about medicine and what it means to be a doctor or nurse.
Helen Sharpe: That's a good school. I have a couple friends who have students that go there. They like it.
Max Goodwin: That's good to know! Thanks, H.
Helen Sharpe: anytime, M.
M and H. It’s what they used to call each other when they were young. Two initials to represent a colorful expression of young love. Young love that was so fraught and special, in its own unique way.
Young love that didn’t always last.
Max Goodwin: why are you up this late anyway?
Max Goodwin: you were always an early riser from what I remember.
Helen Sharpe: the baby took a late nap so I’m just now putting him down.
Max Goodwin: I know that all too well. Luna had an erratic sleep schedule when she was his age. 7 months, right?
Helen Sharpe: 7 months, and growing up too soon. Though I am ready to get a little more sleep at night ;)
Max Goodwin: you will.
It’s the small pieces of reassurance that Max gives that make Helen feel like she’s not alone. It happened back when she was a student and working long hours at the clinic, when Max would help her study at night. Or when he’d rub her back as she stressed about something completely out of her control.
Helen Sharpe: Goodnight, Max. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Max Goodwin: Goodnight, Helen. I can’t wait to see you, and get to work!
She’s waited so long for this, and now that it's come, Helen doesn’t know what to do. She’s risked everything for him once before, and doing that all over again is scary. So extremely scary. And Helen isn’t usually someone motivated by fear.
Milo gently falls asleep in her arms as he finishes nursing. His soft dark curls and brown eyes relax under the glimmer of the nightlight as Helen puts him down in the crib. He’s her whole heart in human form. Protecting him is all that matters, and all other things will have to fall in line behind that.
Helen closes the door quietly and makes her way back into her own bedroom, carrying the baby monitor. Tomorrow morning she’d face more than she has in a long time. Tomorrow morning she’d have to put herself in order, an order that would show Max that even though they have history, they can still be professional.
Besides, history stays history regardless of what anyone else thinks. Max along with that specific time in Helen’s life will remain in the past. So friends and coworkers are what they will be. She’ll raise her family and he will do the same with his.
Young love will be replaced by mutual respect. Reckless energy in exchange for general advice and kindness. Helen Sharpe—the doctor, mother, and person—will exist beyond the hold of Max Goodwin.
And for the first night in twelve years, Helen allows herself to dream of Max in a way she hasn’t. A way that didn’t involve physical touch or proximity. A new beginning, one that Helen hopes will fill her soul as undeniably as it had all those many years ago.
••••
Let 'em wonder how we got this far
'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all
Yeah, after all this time I'm still into you
••••
Max is awake far earlier than he originally planned, but the light streaming through his window is a reminder of the start time change between New York and London. And he’s not mad at it.
London is the city he’s always felt most connected to. He may not have the accent or specific taste in food, but he has this city’s heart. Cloudy days, noisy streets, cab cars, and the national flag are equally part of his personality as his American desire for a cheeseburger or the Star-Spangled Banner. And ever since he found out about the custody agreement, he knew Luna deserved to be raised in the best city in the world.
Besides, it hadn’t always been this way.
Max and Georgia had gotten married the minute they’d found out Luna was on the way. It was a small elopement in the mountains of Vermont. The ceremony was simple and Georgia’s dress was as elegant as her. Yet, they both knew that their marriage was more for their daughter than themselves. Sure they loved each other, but Max knew it wasn’t the way he had loved Helen. But he stayed for Luna, because she deserved two happy and together parents.
When Luna was eighteen months old Georgia fell during one of her ballet performances and fractured two of her vertebrae. At first she’d tried to manage the fractures without any stabilization surgery, opting for a brace and medication. However, it didn’t work, so ultimately Max and Georgia had decided to do the surgery.
It was a ten hour surgery, and Max had held Luna in his arms the whole time, silently hoping that the little girl’s mother would come out without any complications. She had, at first. The fractures were stabilized and Georgia was on the road to recovery. Within weeks she was able to spend days alone with Luna, keeping up with the toddler while Max was at work. And a couple months later she was back to dancing.
That’s when Max started to notice a change. Georgia gradually became more and more devoted to dancing than she was to him and Luna. Most nights Max would make it home before she even texted that she’d be late. Max had dealt with it at first, rearranging his schedule so he could keep Luna with him at the New Amsterdam daycare. Luna, who wasn’t even three years old yet, didn’t understand why her mom wasn’t around as much anymore and she’d started to act out. She started biting the teachers at preschool and throwing tantrums when things didn’t go her way. And that’s when Max finally got Georgia’s attention.
“Georgia, she’s not herself anymore. Luna needs you to be around, she needs you to discipline her and teach her what’s right and wrong. I’m doing all I can, but I can’t keep doing this alone.”
“I’m trying, Max, but my dance company is putting on a recital for the strictest critics from all across the world, and I just can’t be around as much. Luna is just going through a phase, it’ll pass.”
“But she’s not! This is more than that, and if you didn’t keep choosing ballet over our daughter then you’d know that.”
“Excuse me! Max, ever since I met you, you’ve chosen the hospital over me, and now you have the audacity to say I don’t care about Luna!”
“Who takes her to preschool and daycare? Who gets her up in the morning and makes her waffles? Who does bathtime and tucks her in at night? Me! I do. You’re never here, Georgia.”
“Wow, Max. If you really feel this way, maybe you should just take her. Take her and go back to Helen, we all know that’s what you want!”
“Don’t talk about her that way!”
“Why not, Max? Tell me honestly that you haven’t thought about her every day since before you and I met? You’re still in love with her, you always will be. And you can’t love me if you still love her!”
“I stayed, Georgia! Because I love you and Luna, I chose to stay with you. I am married to you, I gave you my heart for a reason.”
“Max, this isn’t working. You know it. We can’t keep trying to make it work for Luna.”
“So you’re saying we get divorced? No, I won’t put Luna through that. She deserves better than that.”
“Then take her, Max. If that’s what you want, take Luna.”
“And leave her without you? What type of husband or father would I be to do that?”
“I’m asking you, Max.”
“You don’t want Luna?”
“All I’m saying is that she’s better off with you, Max. She’s better off with one happy parent than two unhappy ones.”
Three months after that, they’d sat in a conference room and signed divorce papers. Luna’s fourth birthday had been spent with Max and all her friends from daycare and preschool, but without her mother. However, for about a year Luna would spend every other weekend with Georgia and sometimes her grandparents. It was pleasant for the most part.
That was until one cold November morning when Max opened the door to find a large Manila envelope sitting on the ground outside of his apartment. Luna was eating her breakfast at the table as Max opened the envelope. Oxygen disappeared from his lungs the moment his eyes landed on it. Georgia had officially signed all of her rights away. And all she’d left was a single note.
Dear Max,
Thank you for being the greatest father Luna could have ever asked for. I know you’ll guide her and raise her right. She deserves everything in the world. I can’t give that to her, but I know you can. This is all for Luna. One day I hope to see you again, but for now I have to stay away. She’s so much better off without me, I know you know that. Give her the world and more, Max. Let her grow and be free. Let her know true love. Tell Luna I love her.
-G.
That morning had changed everything. In the matter of mere seconds, Luna had gone from a little girl surrounded by love to one who would never see her own mother again. She’d never have a mother to hold her hand and walk her to school on the first day of kindergarten. She wouldn’t get to experience all the mother-daughter moments every preteen and teenage girl did.
Max has never felt more sad for her than he did at that moment. Therefore, he knew he had to step up in a way that would make certain Luna is his priory. So he resigned from New Amsterdam later that week. And three months later they were on a plane to London.
As Max holds Luna’s small hand, he can’t help but feel immense pride. She’s been so resilient in the last few years, and for that he knows she’ll be fine. “Remember, Lu. Kindergarten is really just a more fun version of preschool. And once you’re done, Miss Fiona will pick you up and I told her you can have two scoops of ice cream after dinner.” Max is trying his best to convince Luna that her first day of primary school will be great. But she’s still nervous.
“Why can’t you pick me up, Daddy?” Luna asks innocently as she looks up at him with her bright blue eyes.
“I have my first day at work today, Luna. So that means I have to stay longer than normal because I’m the new guy.” Max explains with a lighthearted smile.
Luna nods softly, “but you’ll be home to tuck me in and read me a story?”
Max looks down at her, “of course I will. And maybe this weekend I’ll let you visit my office and put up some of your artwork.”
Luna giggles, “really?”
Max nods fervently and grins, “always.”
After that Luna ends up going into her classroom without too much hassle. Max signs a couple odd papers about allergies and pickup details. But it isn’t until he’s faced with an emergency contact form that he realizes this is going to be more complicated than he thought.
He’s supposed to list three people that have authorization to pick up Luna in case he can’t. Max can only think of two. He has two nanny’s lined up to take care of Luna after school, but aside from that, he’s on his own. Her grandparents are back in New York and he doesn’t have any friends in the city that he’d feel comfortable handing Luna off to. But that’s when it hits him. And before he can even think about it, he’s written Helen’s name down. If there’s ever a problem he trusts Helen with Luna. They haven’t even met, but if he trusts Helen with his own life, he trusts her with Luna’s. So despite all lines drawn between them, he hands the paper back to the lady behind the office glass and walks away. It’s not like Helen will ever find out.
And with that, Max is on his way to the clinic for his own first day. However, it’s not like he’s unfamiliar with this particular place of work, if anything he knows what it’s like to be a patient here better than any other doctor.
Max rounds the corner and opens the front door, dropping off a coffee to the young lady behind the desk. It’s a simple gesture that he makes. Helen had told him to meet the rest of the staff in the break room on the fourth floor at seven thirty and at this rate, Max was nearly twelve minutes early.
The break room is empty when he walks in, so Max takes a seat and arranges the box of randomized pastries on the table. He wasn’t sure what type of breakfast pastry his coworkers would like so he just got a bunch of different ones. Max makes some tea with the station in the corner of the room, and by then a couple of other doctors have walked in. He bids them a good morning and introduces himself. Lots of them are his age so he makes light chatter about their favorite football teams and family life.
By the time the meeting was supposed to start, everyone had arrived except for Helen. Max doesn’t think much of it at first since he knows what it’s like to be a medical director. The days are long and work is endless.
They all wait for another five minutes before Max turns to the doctor beside him and asks, “is Dr. Sharpe normally late?” Max knows Helen isn’t, but here she’s Dr. Sharpe. He for one knows the difference between the two.
The man shakes his head, “not since I’ve been here. And I’ve been here two years.”
Max furrows his brow as he pulls out his phone, hitting Helen’s contact name.
Max Goodwin: everything okay?
Helen Sharpe: on my way, tell everyone to enjoy the pastries while they wait ;)
Max smiles. She knew he’d end up bringing them.
Max tells all the other doctors to help themselves as he continues to make the rounds and introduce himself. Everyone of the staff members he’s able to talk to are very friendly and welcoming. It’s very evident that Helen had hired them. She’s created a work environment that only a woman as formidable as her can.
Five minutes later Helen finally appears in the breaking room, looking a little flustered.
“Good morning. I apologize for my tardiness, but I hope you’ve all had the chance to meet Dr. Goodwin. He’s our new head of Internal Medicine, specializing in infectious disease control and prevention. Please give him a warm welcome.”
The group of doctors, only about twenty, all applaud for Max, Helen too.
“Thank you, everyone. It’s been a while since I was last in this clinic, but this is where I found my passion for medicine. So this is really icing on the cake for me to be back here. I’m very excited to work with all of you.” Max states in a very friendly manner, dodging all mentions of why he’d been here in the first place.
Helen smiles softly as Max talks, “that should be it for this morning. Quarterly budgets are due at the end of the month, but I’ll be accepting those any time between now and then. Feel free to stop by my office if there is anything you need.” And with that Helen is off.
Max stays behind for a little longer to converse with his new colleagues before heading up to his office. Today his main job was to deal with any urgent care patients who needed an infectious disease consult along with two transfer patients from the city hospital after lunch. If all goes as planned he should be out of the office before six.
At ten he gets his first page to the urgent care portion of the clinic. Max jumps up from his desk and jogs down to the first floor of the clinic. His patient was a young man who had an infected cut that the attending was worried had developed into necrotizing fasciitis. Luckily after a couple tests Max was able to determine it was not. He wishes the young man a safe recovery and makes his way back to his office.
Max rearranges some furniture in his decently large office and finalizes some paperwork he’s going to take up to Helen. He grabs a cup of coffee from the break room on his way to her office. He’s certain she’ll need it.
Her door is open when he walks up to it, and Max walks in as she hangs up the phone, talking to someone in a particularly harsh tone.
“I brought you a cup of coffee.” Max states as he drops the cup on her desk, “is everything okay?”
“Just peachy,” Helen smirks sarcastically, “thanks for the coffee though.” She says as she takes the warm liquid and immediately drinks a little bit of it.
Max drops his stack of paperwork on the corner of her desk, “all my papers are finalized and I’ve seen one patient already.” He replies in a chipper voice.
“Good,” Helen says in a dull tone. “Is there anything else?”
Max raises a brow, “no, but are you sure you’re okay?”
Helen sighs, resting her head on one of her hands, “my nanny called in sick this morning so I called my mother to take Milo, but she apparently had some conflict in her schedule and couldn’t take him. I ended up having to take him up to the nurses in pediatrics to watch him until my mum can come get him during lunch.” Helen is frustrated to no end already, and it’s only Monday. This would be so much easier if she wasn’t doing it alone.
“You know,” Max smiles, “when Luna was that age I’d carry her around in one of those front baby carriers as I saw my patients. Most of them liked it. She was a cure for white-coat syndrome.” Max laughs, in an attempt to lighten Helen’s mood.
“Sounds like you,” Helen grins softly. “Thanks, Max.”
“Anytime, Helen.” He replies, “I’ll let you get back to work, but it’s good to be back. Thanks for letting me come back and work here.”
Helen didn’t really have a choice. Who would she have been to deny him of his dream?
Max closes her door on his way out and takes a breath. They were picking up right where they’d left off, and for that, Max is so unbelievably grateful. The animosity he’d so expected wasn’t there. Helen is still the same brilliant and devoted woman he met twelve years ago. She’s still got that same fire in her soul, and it’s infectious.
••••
Recount the night that
I first met your mother
And on the drive back to my house
I told you that, I told you that I loved ya
••••
By the end of the week Max and Helen have fallen into a rhythm of working together. It’s like they’ve been doing it for years. All their past problems have faded away with their new relationship defined by professionalism.
Helen lets Max push the limits of patient care when it comes to his treatment plans, only because she trusts his judgment. Max, unlike some of her employees, doesn’t complain when she has to make a minor cut to his budget. He smiles and takes the day moment by moment.
Once the weekend comes, Max is the only one hanging around the office by the time Helen leaves. She has to make a quick stop at the grocer’s before heading to her mum’s house to pick up Milo, so she genuinely has no idea why Max is still around. Until she hears the sound of laughter coming from his office.
Helen walks towards the sound, intrigued by it. Every other office door was closed and lights off, except for Max’s. When Helen peeks through the crack in the door, she sees why.
Max was sitting on the floor across from Luna as she decorated his desk with childlike artwork. “That’s really good, Lu.” Max says as he ruffles the top of her shoulder length blonde hair.
“Can I put one on the back of the door, Daddy?” She asks with a little smile.
Max nods, “sure.”
Helen can hear the little girl barreling towards the door so she moves into the light, right where Max can see her. “Hey.” Helen says as she makes eye contact with Max.
Max’s already bright smile seems to brighten up even further at Helen’s appearance in the doorway, “hey.”
“You must be Luna,” Helen says as she looks down at Luna, the little girl sharing a stark amount of resemblance to her father.
Luna nods, a little skeptical, “who are you? Are you my Daddy's boss?” She asks with an innocent shrug.
Helen nods as she leans against the doorframe, “I am, but I’m also one of your dad’s old friends from a lifetime ago.” Helen states simply. Part of her knows that since the little girl in front of her is half Max that she is a truth seeker the way he is. Helen can already see so much of Max in Luna.
“Really?” Luna asks.
Max nods and speaks up, “Helen was my friend from when I first lived here. Remember when I told you about how I lived here before?” Max explains to Luna as he holds her in his lap.
“That’s really cool,” Luna chirps.
“It is, Lu.” Max agrees before turning to face Helen who was calmly watching the father-daughter interaction. “Would you like to join us for ice cream on the walk home?”
Helen smiles, “that’s really sweet of you to ask, but I’ve got to head to the grocery store before picking up Milo from my mum’s.” Helen explains as she adjusts her bag over her shoulder.
“Who’s Milo?” Luna asks innocently.
Helen pulls out her phone, showing Luna the background as they start to walk towards the stairwell, “he’s my little boy.”
Luna giggles, “he’s so cute and tiny!”
Helen grins at the little girl’s remark, “he is.”
Max laughs as he jogs to catch up to them, “maybe you could help change his diapers, Lu. You’ve been doing a lot of practice on that new baby doll I got you.” He remarks lightly.
Luna shakes her head, “no that’s gross!”
Helen nods, “it is.” She chuckles. “You two have a good night. See you Monday.” Helen says as she turns down the hall towards her exit, opposite of their direction.
Luna waves goodbye as Max smiles, “have a nice weekend, Helen.” He says as they part ways.
And just like that, in a matter of seconds, they’ve separated their lives all over again. Except this time it’s for their own benefit. Max has Luna, and Helen has Milo. They’ve both grown in ways they never thought possible since becoming parents, and that means putting themselves second.
Max grabs hold of Luna’s hand as they walk the short three blocks towards their flat. The street lights illuminate their path as they chat about weekend plans.
In moments like these, Max doesn’t wish for more. He doesn’t wish for Luna’s life to be any different than how it is right now. They’ll go to the park tomorrow and spend the morning on Sunday eating pancakes at the local diner. It’ll be like any other weekend. A weekend where she won’t feel the absence of one of the most vital people in her life. A weekend Max won’t feel that absence either.
Because somewhere, reaching through the hopeless, Max’s heart is finally healing. He doesn’t question it, or push it further than the outlines of organic growth. Max just lets it be.
This week was a new beginning for him and Luna. And new beginnings, often like a disheartening end, leave a healing soul yearning for more. So as his soul searches through the dark, Max finds himself more at home than he has felt since leaving London the first time.
Only this time, he’s here to stay.
••••
You felt the weight of the world
Fall off your shoulder
And to your favorite song
We sang along to the start of forever
And after all this time I'm still into you
••••