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It was fall and the leaves were starting to change colour. Summer had been brutal with temperatures soaring well above thirty degrees and leaving Soobin to sweat off nearly half his bodyweight. When the air started to cool down Soobin quite literally held a celebration in tandem with Beomgyu (who had made a transition to Yeonjun’s company about four months ago when his was bought out). All five of them, since Taehyun and Kai had effortlessly melded into the group too, went out for ice cream and didn’t even care about possibly being noticed with the two idols. Thankfully, nobody suspected a thing and they got to enjoy their treats in peace.
Now it was October and Soobin was beginning his final year of university—which meant that applications for medical school would be opening up soon. He was well-prepared thanks to his advisors and had taken the entrance examination a couple weeks ago. He had missed one of Yeonjun’s runway shoots because of it, but he had finally learned to not feel guilty over such things.
Dating an idol hadn’t gotten any easier with time, but it had gotten more manageable. The two of them moved like a fluid unit now, seeing each other on set days and scheduling outings during their rare free time.
It helped that Soobin was beginning to become more and more immersed in Yeonjun’s lifestyle as his company allowed him to infiltrate behind the scenes more. It overjoyed Yeonjun to be able to drag Soobin around for his projects or invite him to events as his official plus-one. The media had gotten ahold of the knowledge that Yeonjun was dating someone, but BigHit had done an impressive job of keeping Soobin’s identity as much of a secret as they could.
Eventually, though, Soobin knew his face would become synonymous with Yeonjun’s mystery boyfriend that everyone spoke so much about online. It was a weird juxtaposition to exist in, but he did his best to not think about his life outside of his bubble. He had his studies and his friends and his family and his Yeonjun. Everything else was just collateral.
Since completing the entrance exam, Soobin actually found himself with more free time than usual. All of his remaining classes were labs, which only met twice a week. He had to submit weekly reports of the labs which took time away from his evenings, but he found his schedule wide open during the weekends, something he hadn’t experienced since high school. He spent a majority of his time with Yeonjun, tagging along with him to various different functions. Yeonjun was over the moon about how much more time it felt like they had, and Soobin was very happy too.
For the first time since they met, it felt like they were properly seeing each other as much as they wanted to. Nothing was rushed or cut short. Soobin didn’t have to give hasty goodbye hugs or try to catch Yeonjun’s eye as he was being led away. While it was still far from perfect—they were still both leading hectic lives—it was enough of an improvement to strengthen their relationship and bring security to Soobin’s mind.
Which is what made what had happened so jarring.
Soobin was at Yeonjun’s place. The elder wasn’t home yet, but since Soobin had been granted security access and a keycard some three or four months ago, it was common for him to spend time there alone while waiting for Yeonjun to get off work. Soobin liked to do it randomly sometimes, like on a weekday evening when his day was just a little lacking and he needed a pick-me-up. He never forewarned Yeonjun when he was going to do this, because being able to surprise his hyung was one of his favourite things to do. There was nothing like seeing his face light up as soon as he walked through the door, no matter what kind of day he had had.
It was sunset and Soobin had just finished his report for Tuesday’s lab and sent it off to his group for peer review. He was debating whether to cook or order food when the door buzzed and swung open. He sat up from where he had been lying on his side on the couch and peered over the top as Yeonjun came into view. He was wrapped up in a sweater with a bucket hat pulled low over his face, hiding his eyes from Soobin’s gaze. His jeans bunched at his ankles and he kicked his shoes off almost angrily.
Soobin sat up fully then, brow furrowed as he watched Yeonjun drop his bag on the floor instead of hanging it on his hook like always.
Something’s wrong.
He almost got up to make his presence known, but Yeonjun swept down the hallway before he even got a chance. That was really unusual, as the boy almost always went straight to the kitchen for a snack first thing. Soobin felt his anxiety begin to grow as he stayed put and used his ears to figure out what Yeonjun was doing. At this point he felt awkward and wasn’t sure if he should just let Yeonjun know he was there or try and make a silent exit.
The bathroom was quiet so Soobin assumed Yeonjun was in his room. He leaned over enough to peer down the hallway and the light to Yeonjun’s bedroom was illuminating the hardwood floors. He stood up, socked feet padding down the hallway until he approached Yeonjun’s room. He paused right outside the door and felt dread creep over him as he heard soft sniffles and the rustling of clothes.
He didn’t want to scare his boyfriend but he couldn’t see a way around it, so he braced himself and gently knocked on the open door.
“Hyung,” he said quietly.
As expected, Yeonjun flinched violently, dropping his phone on the floor and spinning around to face Soobin. His cheeks were red and splotchy with fresh tears trickling down them and Soobin’s heart broke. He had seen Yeonjun in such a state many times, but it never got easier to digest. It pulled something innate out of Soobin, an instinctive need to comfort, and he immediately moved forward.
He was not expecting Yeonjun to move back.
“Soobin-ah, it’s not a good time,” he whispered, voice hoarse as if he had been yelling. Soobin furrowed his brow, unconsciously moving closer again. Yeonjun retreated a step further. “What’s wrong, hyung?” he asked, fearing his answer. Normally, when Yeonjun was upset, he sought out Soobin for comfort. He had never denied it before.
Was he upset because of Soobin?
Yeonjun didn’t answer immediately, instead turning and continuing to change out of his work clothes. Soobin stood in his room helplessly, heart thumping in his chest loud enough to fill the silence.
“Did you need something?” Yeonjun asked instead, deflecting Soobin’s question. His tone was cold, uninviting, and Soobin felt like a bucket of ice water had been dropped over his head. “I-I was just…Yeonjun-hyung, please talk to me,” he stammered, feeling horribly awkward in a way he never had with his boyfriend before.
The idol scoffed, rolling his eyes as he turned to look at Soobin. “There’s nothing to talk about, Soobin, things just didn’t work out as per usual and there’s nothing you can do to fucking fix it so just stop asking,” he hissed.
Soobin’s eyes widened at the unexpected hostility and he wrapped an arm around his own torso. “Hyung, if you just tell me what happened then we can work it out—.”
“No, we can’t!” Yeonjun shouted, voice louder than Soobin had ever heard it. It made him flinch and take as step back and he couldn’t believe what was going on. It had never been this difficult to pull an answer from Yeonjun before, what had happened that was causing this much of a reaction?
Yeonjun was tensed, with the way his hands were clenched into fists and his jaw was locked. “There’s absolutely nothing you could possibly do to fix this and I’m so fucking sick and tired of the way you think you have the solution to everything!” He took a deep breath and continued before Soobin could even get a chance to feel the hurt hitting him like an avalanche.
“For nearly an entire year every single scheduling meeting is a fucking argument and debate and I try everything I can to make sure that you’re accounted for but I still can’t seem to make you happy!” Yeonjun let out a frustrated groan, running his hands through his hair. Soobin remained frozen, disbelief written all over his face.
When Yeonjun looked at him, he was glaring. It felt like a knife to Soobin’s heart. “You think I haven’t noticed how you get when I have to cancel a date or postpone a lunch or am late to literally every single thing we do?” the elder spewed, venom in his tone. Almost like he was projecting his anger toward Soobin directly now. “I’m tired of feeling like the worst, most inadequate boyfriend, Soobin. I’m so fucking tired of it.”
He deflated then, his shoulders dropping as he wiped away more tears.
The silence hung like weights around both of them, dragging them down in the darkness. Soobin didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say or even what to think. How had he not known Yeonjun felt this way?
Instantly, his brain cycled rapidly through all the time they’d spent together in the past month or so and Soobin couldn’t pick anything out of the ordinary. There was nothing to alert him to something being wrong, and he certainly had not felt like Yeonjun wasn’t accommodating. He was overly accommodating on most occasions, in fact. So what brought this on?
He opened his mouth to ask just that, and reassure Yeonjun that he didn’t think he was inadequate—not at all—until Yeonjun spoke again.
“Maybe we need to take a break.”
What? A break? What the hell did that even mean? Was Yeonjun actually being serious? Where had Soobin missed all of this?
None of his questions mattered though, because the noose of anxiety tightened suddenly around his neck and he immediately shook his head, moving forward.
“Hyung, no, this is all just a b-big misunderstanding, I p-promise,” he stammered, throat choking up with impending tears. Yeonjun couldn’t look at him, turning his head to the side and pulling his arms to wrap around himself. “I’m getting really busy and you’re about to finish university and go to fucking medical school and neither of us has time for this anymore,” he spat at the ground.
Tears sprung to Soobin’s eyes at those words and he took a clumsy step back in shock. Yeonjun kept his eyes on the floor. “I always have time for you, hyung,” Soobin whispered, voice breaking. “I don’t know where you got this idea in your head of me not appreciating you, but I…I…,” Soobin trailed off as the overwhelming sadness began to crush him. “I-I’m so sorry, hyung. I’m s-so sorry for n-not…not loving you enough.” The last part is nearly inaudible, but Yeonjun must’ve heard it with the way his head lifts and he meets Soobin’s eyes.
And Soobin isn’t strong enough to hold his gaze. There was a new emotion now, a crippling guilt that was threatening to suffocate Soobin. He had to force his sobs back as tears spilled over his waterline and he inhaled shakily, watery.
“I didn’t know you were so stressed, otherwise I w-wouldn’t have asked to see you so much o-or planned as many dates or—or something,” he blabbered, wiping at his eyes uselessly as Yeonjun stayed quiet. He mechanically lifted his head to see Yeonjun staring at him, expression void of anger and instead conveying a heartbroken sadness. It made the knife in Soobin’s heart twist deeper.
He took a painful breath, lifting his head to blink back his tears. He looked away from Yeonjun in order to keep his thoughts straight. “If a break is what you w-want, I’ll respect that,” he whispered, the words like daggers on his tongue. “Just…” He looked directly at Yeonjun, not caring if the words got lost on his tongue. He knew they wouldn’t.
“I love you, more than you know, and I-I’m so, so sorry.”
He turned then, not wanting to spend another second in the apartment. He needed to go home and cry and sob until he went numb and then he needed to call Taehyun and Kai because there was no way he was going to survive this ‘break’ without them.
He hastily pulled his shoes on and grabbed his backpack, feeling a gross feeling of embarrassment at how he had originally shown up so content and happy and now he was leaving feeling the worst he ever had in his life.
The apartment was quiet as he opened the front door, all hopes of Yeonjun running after him dissipating in a heart wrenching wind. Soobin bit back his urge to start crying again and left, letting the door close behind him.
He managed to keep his brain focused only on the task of walking as he made his way down the long hallway. He couldn’t afford to have his breakdown until he was safely at home. He focused on the plush carpeting underneath his feet and tried not to let any of his own, softly simmering anger boil over.
It was when he was waiting for the elevator to take him to the ground floor that he started to feel less sadness and more anger. Once his idled brain starting processing everything that had just expired, it was impossible for Soobin to silence it. And it always took the elevator forever to arrive, thanks to the security clearances.
As he thought about it all, he felt a burning frustration alight in his stomach and he shook his head to himself. Were they really taking a break because of a misunderstanding? Were they really this caught up in a simple matter of communication and reassurance? To Soobin, there were so many possible solutions, unlike Yeonjun had said, and Soobin thought that that was the balance.
Soobin loved Yeonjun to his core, he would always try to solve his problems, especially when they involved the two of them. It wasn’t just in his nature, it was what he wanted to do for the elder. In return, he didn’t need much. As long as he could love Yeonjun, he was satisfied.
He had never loved someone like him, after all. Their chance meeting all those months ago had led to the creation of something truly beautiful, despite all of its flaws, and Soobin wasn’t sure he could let their story end like this.
He stepped into the elevator as all these thoughts and more whirred around his brain. He didn’t have the courage to go back to Yeonjun’s apartment and demand a conversation. The doors slid shut and Soobin was reaching to press the button for the ground floor when he suddenly stopped.
His eyes caught the button to open the doors again and it was as if some external force compelled him to change his mind last minute. He stared at it for several seconds, and then with a rush of pure adrenaline that sparked Soobin’s entire body, he pressed it.
And when the doors slid open, he was met with the sight of a panting Yeonjun stumbling to a stop in front of the elevator, eyes as wide as Soobin’s.
Neither of them could say anything, the pure shock at realising that they were both coming back for the other rendering them immobile. They stared at each other, both breathing heavily, and when the elevator doors started to slide shut again, Yeonjun only hesitated a second before leaping through them and launching himself into Soobin.
Almost immediately Soobin embraced him, a shocked exhale leaving his lips at the sheer strength Yeonjun was hugging Soobin with. He was holding him like a vice, even with the backpack in his way. His arms locked around Soobin’s neck and then they were kissing.
Everything was moving at a million miles a minute but the second their lips touched everything stood still. Soobin’s thoughts and worries and fears and questions melted away as they kissed. Soobin didn’t know what it meant, but he didn’t think about that either.
He just kissed the man he loved and the man he loved kissed him back. When they broke apart, Soobin feared that Yeonjun would give him a pitiful look and then back away, but Yeonjun only pulled away enough to make eye contact, his arms still securely wrapped around Soobin’s neck.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I…come back and we’ll talk,” Yeonjun stuttered, tripping over his words in his hurry to get them out. “I shouldn’t have asked for a break, I just…can we t-talk?”
Soobin nodded, closing his eyes as he held onto Yeonjun, afraid to let go. It was the doors to the elevator closing that sprung them into action. They quickly exited but Yeonjun grabbed Soobin’s hand and they awkwardly walked back to his apartment where the door was wide open still.
They walked back in and Yeonjun closed the door and Soobin tried to wrap his brain around the turbulent emotions running through him. It felt like whiplash and Yeonjun stood next to Soobin as he removed his shoes for a second time and put his backpack on the hook again. The couple migrated to the couch and when Soobin sat down he felt like the weight of the world dropped off his shoulders.
Yeonjun sat down next to him, legs tucked under himself and bony knees digging into Soobin’s thigh. He looked vulnerable and Soobin wanted to pull him into his arms, but thought it would be better if he didn’t. This was going to be a serious conversation and he couldn’t afford to let his feelings overpower him.
“I was trying to plan a vacation,” Yeonjun began, sighing. “I wanted to take you to Japan for your birthday, but it conflicted with BigHit’s end-of-year strategic plan.” He rolled his eyes at that, running a hand through his hair. Soobin’s heart fluttered at the thought of Yeonjun trying to surprise him but then he immediately felt sadness at the end result. Yeonjun peered at him sadly, eyes shining. “I guess I just…let it get to me,” he whispered. “And then I aired all my frustrations on you and jumped to the most extreme solution and—.” He reached out for Soobin’s hand then, grasping it tightly.
“I don’t want to take a break,” he repeated. “I think it might be a good idea to set new expectations, but…I can’t lose you.” He said the last words so tenderly that Soobin couldn’t stop himself. He pulled Yeonjun close, the elder smoothly sliding into his lap as if it’s exactly where he wanted to be too, and Soobin looked up at him as he held him.
“I don’t want to take a break either, hyung, like ever,” he said. Yeonjun fisted Soobin’s shirt in both of his hands as he listened. “I don’t need much, I really don’t. I don’t need to see you every day or even once a week. I just want to love you. I know that it would be temporary, that one day we’ll hopefully get to a point where we can see each other every day, and I will always wait for that day.”
He lifted a hand to touch Yeonjun’s cheek, heart beating rapidly in his chest with the pure love he felt for the boy in his lap. Yeonjun’s gaze was intense and he placed his own hand over Soobin’s. “You love me enough,” he breathed. It caused a knot to swell in Soobin’s throat and he felt his cheeks burn a deep red. “And maybe that’s why I feel so guilty, because I just need so much and you don’t and sometimes I forget that and I feel so horrible for not being there for you.”
Soobin shook his head, sitting up a little. “You’re there for me when I ask you to be, hyung, you always have been. I’m sorry that I didn’t make that more obvious,” he apologised. It was Yeonjun’s turn to shake his head and if Soobin weren’t still feeling everything so intensely he would’ve almost laughed.
“You did, I just wasn’t paying attention,” the idol said, moving his hand to rest on Soobin’s own cheek. This did pull a soft smile out of the younger. Yeonjun traced his dimple with his tongue as he kept speaking. “I love you so much, baby, and I fucking hate that I can’t have you around every second of every day.”
Soobin blushed again and slid Yeonjun closer, hooking two fingers around his chin. “You know that I’d be with you every second of every day if I could be,” he promised. Yeonjun’s own cheek turned a pretty pink and he nodded.
They both stared at each other for a few long moments, just letting everything settle and giving their bodies time to physically react. And then, Yeonjun leaned in slowly, never breaking eye contact. His lips brushed Soobin’s like a question and Soobin answered by pressing his own lips back against his boyfriend’s.
He had never had a ‘make-up’ kiss before, but it was sweeter than any other kiss he’d had. He wasn’t sure if it was worth the price he paid for it but he let it wash away the last of his anxiety. Yeonjun kissed him with reverence almost, like he was a divine being that deserved to be treated with the utmost care.
Their lips danced together and when Yeonjun sighed into Soobin’s mouth and melted against his chest Soobin felt the last of his tension leave his body.
They made out sweetly and lazily for a while and when they finally separated Yeonjun curled up on Soobin’s chest. Everything around them began to filter back in, including the lateness of the hour and the fact that neither of them had eaten anything, Soobin’s lab was probably reviewed by now, and Yeonjun hadn’t showered since getting home.
He opened his mouth to suggest they get up when Yeonjun—for the nth time that night—spoke before him. And yet again, Soobin was completely caught off guard by his words.
“What if you moved in with me?”