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It was spring break again, a year has passed since they defeated Vecna. College students come back to town to visit their friends. Some seniors go to visit their partners at their campus. Families have express trips. But some stay here, in Hawkins. That was Steve’s case.
Not that he didn’t wish to leave. After everything that happened, taking a break from this town wasn’t such a bad idea, but he had some unfinished business and the spring break was the perfect moment to do so.
He parked the car a few blocks from the place, he decided that he needed to align his thoughts before everything. Especially, if he was going to do what he had to do.
He made his way through the place, and got to the grave. The stone was stained with paint residues of some old graffiti. Steve still couldn't believe that after everything that happened and after they proved his innocence people still think that Eddie was the bad guy. He sat on the floor and took the letter out of the pocket. For a moment he just stayed there, in silence trying to find the courage to face his feelings and when he did, he started reading.
“Dear Eddie,
it’s been a year since you’re gone, since you became a hero. Dustin misses you, everyday. After your death he couldn’t play D&D for months, I had to take some express classes from Mike to make him play again. He’s better now, I'd figure I'll let you know that, just in case you're worrying.
Everybody is doing better now. Mike, Dustin and Lucas are still on Hellfire. Dustin took your place when he started to play again. I went to see one of his campaigns and I'm glad to let you know that you’d be proud. Max’s fine. She woke up two months after the battle, and she took it very well actually, you know the whole “having all my extremities broken thing”, i think she was just really glad to be alive. We all are. Nancy is off college, and to my surprise Robin is too.
So yeah everybody is good... and in love.
Lucas and Dustin ceased whatever that was stopping them from getting together like about three months ago. If you ask me, no, I didn't see that one coming, but I'm happy for them. Nancy broke up with Jonathan, and no, we're not back together, apparently she only has eyes for my best friend. I couldn't be more happy for them. Max’s dating El, the girl with superpowers, and regarding Mike's love life, he’s dating the Byers boy, you never get to meet him because they were living in California when all of that happened, but you would probably love to. He loves D&D, like so much, you two would probably get along really well.
Everybody from my age moved on, from this place, this life. Nancy, Robin, Jonathan, they're all in college and far away from here. And I'm still stuck here. In this shitty town.
Sometimes I wish I was the one with you that day, so Dustin didn’t have to go through that. I wish it was me the one that held you, that told you that you were an amazing person, and promised you to let everyone know that. I wish it was me so I could have said what I wanted to say, what I still want to say.
Maybe I could have stopped you, dragged you down to that trailer and told you that you didn’t have to try to be a hero, that you were already one. Maybe you’d have kissed me. Maybe we would be together right now, and I would be listening to you rant about D&D and Ozzy Osbourne (I gave Black Sabbath a try and they’re pretty good actually) or I'd be forcing you to listen to ABBA and you’d hate me for the rest of the evening. Maybe you would have liked me too. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
But maybe don't go back in time and make me save you. Wondering if things could have been different is not going to bring you back. But I can't help myself from doing it. I can’t stop myself from replaying that moment in my head, your last words to me. Over and over again. Trying to find a glitch, a word, a gesture. Something that tells me you wanted to say more. Did you want to say more? Maybe I was the one that wanted to say more. Or do more, because a fucking goodbye kiss wouldn't have gone amiss, Munson.
But I guess, if there’s any chance you’ll be wondering, I did it, I made him pay, I swear I did. And you couldn’t live to see it.
I keep saying to myself that I need you out of my head, that whatever we could have had is over. That keep holding in the “what ifs” is going to lead me to drown myself, hit bottom and never come back. I guess a part of me refuses to stop. I guess I'm too stubborn to do that. Maybe that’s why I'm still here. That’s why I'm stuck in this town, why I didn't go to college, even though my father offered to pay for it after everything that happened. Why I refuse to move on.
Because I can't… ” Steve’s voice cracks, on the verge of tears. “I can’t let you go, Eddie.”
He stops reading it, not being able to contain himself anymore and starts crying. He lets it out and remembers everything that has happened since he met him. Everything since that day that he almost cut his throat with a broken bottle until when he found him without life in his eyes on Dustin’s arms. He remembers how he stopped himself from breaking down because Dustin needed him. How changed the subject whenever Robin mentioned him. How he spent sleepless nights thinking about him, about how they could have gone on double dates with Robin and Nancy, on movie nights and road trips. How Dustin would have reacted to them being together, would he be mad? happy? have mixed feelings about it? How would Robin or Nance take it? And Max, Lucas, Will, Mike, Erica and El? How the only thing he has done in the past year was avoid it, because if you do it, if you convince yourself that they may come back, that it’s just a silly joke and it was all fake, then it‘s not real.
“I guess that’s all I'm here to say. Because “I miss you, come back” is not apology enough for never coming to visit you in the last whole year. For not being strong enough to show up at your funeral.
I’m sorry, Munson. I really wish things could have been different. I really do.
Misses you, always
Your Stevie.”
He finishes reading the letter and puts it back in his pocket. He stood up to leave when he saw a familiar curly hair a few steps away from him. Dustin was looking at him with a mix of shock and relief in his eyes.
“I always thought you didn’t care about him” Dustin breaks the silence.
“What made you think that?” Steve asked but he already knew why.
“I don't know, you always seemed like you were fine and avoid talking about him”
“I care about him, i always did”
“Then why didn't you show it?” The question caught him off guard. Not just the question, the tone. He was angry. Really angry. And Steve didn’t know how to answer that.
“I don’t know” An answer not so far from the truth. “I guess i thought you needed me to be stronger so you wouldn't fall apart, not that it helped much”
“Maybe if I had someone to talk about it, if I didn't feel like I was the only one that cared about him, I wouldn't have fallen apart”
Steve realized how selfish he was. He drowned himself in his own pain so much that he forgot others were suffering the same. Others that needed him, and didn’t need him to be strong, they needed him to know that they weren’t in this alone.
Speechless again and very much ashamed, Steve noticed Dustin’s bouquet. “I should probably bring him flowers too”.
“He would probably hate them,” said Dustin with a sad smile on his face. “they’re not very metal”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, he was kind of a drama queen, and he would probably love the attention” Steve patted Eddie’s grave. “Don’t ya, big boy”
They spent the afternoon talking about Eddie, about how his last campaign was not so good according to Dustin's taste, how he’d hate Steve’s taste in music, and how he’d probably have laughed in his own memorial, if he could have got to see it. When it began to get dark, Steve offered Dustin a ride home. They made their way out of the cemetery and when they reached the entrance, Steve looked back to see the grave one last time, with flowers that now rest on it, and in that moment he promised him two things.
He was going to come back, he was going to see him again. But he wasn’t going to come to cry, read letters and tell him how much he wished things could’ve been different. And he wouldn’t let himself drown again. He was going to live his life. As well as life itself would let him.
All in the memory of his dear friend -if you can call your 1 year crush that- Eddie Munson, the hero.