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“oh, there she is… that weird girl who looks like she’s about to summon a demon.”
“i’ve heard she doesn’t speak. she creeps the fuck out of me.”
“huh? did she just randomly stop talking one day? like she wouldn’t say a word to anyone anymore?”
december 8th 2020. sometime around 8 pm. i died.
“but peach, you’re still alive! you wake up every day, you go about your day, you eat, breathe, talk to your friends…”
no. i know it’s all fake. i know this isn’t real. i wouldn’t even say it’s too good to be true, most of this isn’t remotely close to good at all; i’m unsure if this is some hell-like afterlife i’m stuck in, or just an everlasting dream cast upon me by my dying brain seconds before my heart stopped beating that day.
sometimes i feel a sharp pain in the back of my neck. maybe because it had snapped, it broke, that green rope did it’s trick after all.
it’s so warm now. it’s late july, but every time i step outside i’m expecting the cold of the winter and white snow. or atleast my shoes getting wet from cold and slippery mud.
it’s been more than a year and a half now. i have three new diagnoses. i’ve been on seven different medications. i’ve given up on therapy. and i’m unable to move on.
i can’t eat, i can’t speak and sometimes i can’t even sleep. i’ve tried changing. i’ve dyed my hair different colors over and over and over again. i’ve changed the makeup i wear. i’ve tried forgetting it with the help of alcohol. i’ve made new friends and i’ve lost them. none of this has helped and my hair is red again and i can’t quit playing genshin.
i just can’t accept that it didn’t work. that i’m not dead. and i do think so deep down. that i have died.
“those are delusive thoughts, peach. they aren’t real. try finding the pattern in those thoughts of yours.”
but how do i know they’re not real if they’re all i know?
maybe someday i’ll be able to live my life normally again. maybe someday my future will be clear. maybe someday i’ll have plans for after when i graduate. maybe someday i won’t be living in a world that i had died in and maybe someday, this world will accept me as someone capable despite their disabilities. i doubt i’ll ever be able to speak again, though.
but until that day comes i’ll countinue to live in this loud haze of a world where people look at me with pity and disdain for being unable to talk.
because a green rope took my tounge on december 8th 2020. sometime around 8 pm.