Chapter Text
They’ve built a peaceful routine in their home: Tsukiyama is graduating, Hide goes to his classes and works part time in the evenings, and Kaneki waits for them during the days, reading through anything and everything he can get his hands on. He has taken up various new genres, and in the process, experienced the pain of both good and bad literature. There are some books he wishes he had never opened, and some he has read through multiple times.
Staying at home is comfortable, but lately he’s starting to notice a growing restlessness. He wants to go out like a normal person, live life like he used to. He misses his university classes, reading outside, going to movies with Hide to watch ridiculous action filled films with superheroes in colourful spandex suits. Even if his eyes begin to hurt midway from all the explosions, it's fun.
Tsukiyama's used to giving attention to others but he isn't used to being the one receiving it. That is something both Hide and Kaneki have noticed. He shies away from their touches, waves off their heartfelt compliments, but they're both persistent. It takes time, but they keep trying until he doesn't avoid their hands in his hair or their lips on his face. Soon enough he's actually the one initiating contact to receive attention. Kaneki says it reminds him of a dog. Hide argues he's more like a cat.
"I'll miss your kakugan activating on its own. It's an endearing feature," Tsukiyama confesses, brushing a wisp of hair back from Kaneki's forehead above his left eye. Receiving a grunt, he smiles apologetically. Despite Kaneki's more gruff behaviour, at least compared to how he was when they had just met, Tsukiyama still finds him as cute as a button. Not something he'd say out loud, but the thought crosses his mind every once in awhile.
"What emotions do you remember activating it before?" he asks.
"Hunger. Anger," Kaneki replies, swallowing and muttering the last. "Fear."
Tsukiyama feels bad for having to slightly prod at painful memories. It's a necessary evil, though.
"Those are some of the most common ones. For some it differs slightly, but they're mostly the same. Others find controlling it easier, some find it harder. If it's easy for you to stay in control of your emotions, it usually means you have easier control over your eyes."
He takes a small pause, gathering his thoughts, trying to remember what he's been taught. It's been so long and going through it step by step is so much slower than the reflex he's created.
"For me it's like keeping myself from forming a fist when angry. To stop crying when I'm sad. Laughing when I hear something funny, flinching back when I'm swung at, tapping my foot when I'm impatient. But I've heard that for some it feel it's like a yawn, a sneeze or the growling of a stomach, and they don't have much control to stop it. In that case you still know it's coming, you feel it, so you can excuse yourself or hide it."
He hides his eyes, masking it to look like he's simply massaging them.
"It gives you a few seconds to get everything in control, or since it's only one eye, you can act like you got something in it and excuse yourself from the situation. It should feel something close to pulsing or muscle twitches, but it's not immediate so you should have a few seconds to subdue it.
If you need to activate it, on the other hand, concentrate on aggression. Change your stance, your mindset, and you should be good to go. It's easier to activate than deactivate. It's a common sign for aggression, one way to show your power. The other, less subtle one is activating your kagune."
Kaneki runs through the instructions in his head. Biting his lip, he thinks about the meat in the fridge, how he hasn't eaten anything today, how good it'd taste if he bit into it. A groan escapes him as he loses himself to the growing hunger.
A hand on his shoulder and a gentle voice calling his name, and he recalls what he's supposed to do. He pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. There's a definite pull on his left eye, and Kaneki attempts to commit the feeling into his memory, the exact feeling he needs to be wary of. The pull is strong, easy to notice once he has it down. It begins to dissipate quite easy when he concentrates on easing it.
It's a slow method, too slow to be used in public, but Tsukiyama is sure Kaneki gets faster over time. When Kaneki's eye returns to its normal state, Tsukiyama smiles.
"Shall we try again?"
Kaneki's sight is bleary and he's lost his focus. He nods either way.
Everything has been going well so far. Kaneki has begun his infiltration back into the society step by step with Tsukiyama’s help, something he has more experience and knowledge in than Hide does. Hide doesn’t allow it to discourage him, though, keeping his eyes and ears open at work, just in case something pops up. He’s getting used to the place and the people, creating bonds with some of the investigators. He likes the people he works with, and it’s almost like he gets to meet someone new everyday, as he delivers files, documents and the occasional message from person to person.
It's completely by coincidence, that Hide notices the picture up on the wall, amongst all the others. It'd almost be impossible to notice the picture in the middle of all those others, but he's spent so much time staring at the missing person posters to not be able to recognise it immediately. He hands the file to an investigator in the meeting room where they’re going through several people’s backgrounds: people who’ve come up on the radar for being involved in odd situations. He masks his surprise, taking a quick overall glance at what he can see from the doorway and leaves as quickly as he had arrived.
He has two files left, but his fingers are twitching. He tries to act as inconspicuously as possible, but when he enters the lavatory, he almost greets an investigator in his panic.
Do not behave weirdly.
He enters a stall, checking all the corners for any sort of devices. This is a moment he cannot afford to be careless. He sets the lid down, sitting on it, and his calm crumbles under the new information.
"Fuck."
"Then I'm in danger?"
Hide has his chin resting on his hands, staring emptily in front of himself. Tsukiyama waves his hand in the air, dismissing the notion.
"Of course not, Kaneki-kun. If they ask for a certificate for your RC-levels, I know clinics that we can turn to. Problem solved."
"That won't work," Hide says. His face is grim, and it's scaring Kaneki. He's never seen his friend so hopeless. Even during the early days of his recovery he had held some hope in his eyes.
"It won't? Tell me, why wouldn’t it?" Tsukiyama asks skeptically.
Tsukiyama's question raises a groan from him, as his frustration peaks. He rubs his face, trying to think a way out of their situation.
"It won't, because the CCG has secretly certified clinics which test results they approve of. Any other one is as good as nothing, or even worse, they might suspect you even more because of it."
Kaneki's heart drops at Hide's words. Now he understands why Hide thinks their situation is hopeless. He still has to admire his ability to have found out something like that.
"How do you know all this, Hide? It couldn't've been easy come up with this sort of information."
"I've never heard of this. What is your source, Hide-kun? Is it trustworthy?"
They watch as Hide's body goes rigid and his face turns from hopeless to pleading.
"Please, don't ask me that."
"Hide?" Kaneki grows worried and he frowns. "Why are you saying that?"
Hide groans and hides his face behind his arms. Tsukiyama grows alarmed at his behaviour.
"Hide-kun. Please tell us where you've heard this information."
"Please don't get mad."
"Hide." Kaneki's tone of voice is warning.
"I... Fuck, I heard it. At the CCG headquarters."
Tsukiyama straightens his back. His voice is cold, when he demands:
"What were you doing there? Answer me honestly."
"I work there," Hide confesses, ready to throw himself into the upcoming shitstrom just to get it over with. They would've found out anyway, he tries to reason, but it ends up being half-assed. He could’ve hidden it if he hadn’t had such an idiotic need to be truthful.
Kaneki has problems processing the revelation, but Tsukiyama is quick to jump to action, being taught from the day he learned to speak to avoid anyone that has to do with CCG. He jumps up, grabbing Kaneki to hide him behind his back. He snarls at Hide who keeps sitting down, avoiding his eyes.
"You work for CCG? Incroyable, you cockroach! A dirty liar, that's all you are. And to think I trusted you.” He cracks up. When his laughter dies down, his words are weak and frantic. “Je ne veux pas mourir... "
Tsukiyama bends down a bit, heaving like he’s run a thousand miles. Behind him, Kaneki watches the dust particles float in the sunlight. He cannot think. Everything’s all jumbled up.
Does this mean… Hide betrayed me?
When Kaneki thinks about it later, when his mind is clear, his and Hide's situations are similar in some ways. Even after he became a ghoul, although unwillingly, he still wanted to keep in contact with humans, despite being their enemy. He wanted them to accept him, to understand him. Hide had told him how he had become one of CCG's employees. Tsukiyama had refused to listen, leaving the apartment immediately.
After listening to his explanation, Kaneki had wanted to punch Hide, for saying it was for him. He hadn't asked that, but he still feels grateful for Hide to have tried to protect him in his own way.
Betrayal isn't something he considers it as, but Tsukiyama keeps avoiding Hide as if he'd have a quinque stabbing him in the back. His fear is partly rational, that much Kaneki understands, but he had expected Tsukiyama to be ready to understand Hide's decision after the initial shock. The deep rooted fear of CCG and anyone affiliated with it holds strong, and Kaneki isn't able to erase it with just words. He tries to make Tsukiyama see, but Tsukiyama pushes back, warning Kaneki that they both could've already been exposed.
"The doves could be on their way at this very minute, and we're here like sitting ducks. Even if he hasn't, he could in the future. It's easy to break under the pressure when they're interrogating you, and they could easily offer him help in case we tried to get revenge. We are at a very bad disadvantage here, Kaneki-kun."
He groans. He trusts Hide with his life; he's always trusted Hide with his life. Why can't Tsukiyama understand that?
Hide has taken up on avoiding Tsukiyama out of courtesy, as he tries to avoid sparking anything in the highly flammable situation. Tsukiyama sees it as secretive behaviour and it fuels his paranoia. Everything about this problem makes Kaneki want to scream at the heavens.
The old apartment is... Dusty. They're not sure what they expected when they arrived, but dusty is something they probably should've expected, all things considered. They’ve come to retrieve Kaneki’s belongings to move him all the way to the new apartment. Hide’s still acting jumpy around both of them, but when Kaneki explains that he understand Hide’s reasoning, he returns to normal, at least around him.
Hide steps over the pile of mail spread on the floor. Kaneki bangs his head on the doorframe in sudden realisation.
"I cannot imagine what I'd do if I hadn't paid the rent in advance for the whole year just to get that discount."
"Blessed be the student apartments," agrees Hide before taking a hold of his nose and holding his breath as he dives for the half-filled trash bag. He closes it as fast as he can with one hand before throwing it out the door over Kaneki's head. He misses Kaneki's half-hearted glare when he takes out a new bag for the two dead potted plants Kaneki has on his window sill. They're completely dried up and their leaves crumble when Hide pulls them up by the stems.
Kaneki trails to his bookshelf without much thought. All his books are in place. With a monthly rent, the landlord would've had to either store his belongings or sell them. The latter seems like the more viable option in the landlord's case. Outcomes depend on the tiniest of things.
Moving all his belongings to the boxes takes its time. They often get stuck on nostalgic trinkets, or when Kaneki is simply leafing through his books and without meaning to, starts reading them from the middle. Hide keeps his other eye on Kaneki as he folds his clothes, but Kaneki still manages to get sucked into them every few minutes. After eight times of having to wake Kaneki up, Hide takes over packing the books with a huff, shooing Kaneki to take care of the kitchen.
They spend a lot more time by themselves, as Tsukiyama still has a hard time understanding Hide’s reasoning for joining the CCG, not even speaking about trusting him. Kaneki notices how Hide's trying to make everything up to him by being as supportive as possible. Even when he told him he was going to go ask for a repeat year, Hide had immediately offered to join him.
Now, behind the door of the faculty member’s office, he thanks himself for allowing Hide to come. Nothing else could calm down his jitters as well as Hide’s warm hand on his shoulder.
"I'll wait outside," Hide says with an encouraging push to Kaneki's back. Kaneki sighs, following the faculty member to the office.
"Kaneki... Ken, was it? Yes, you were announced missing five months back..." the woman goes over the information, voice flat. "And now you've returned."
"Yes, ma'am."
"How can I help you?" she inquires, despite having read his email. Unless she hadn't and had simply given him a time to meet. He wouldn't put it past her, she didn't seem very interested in reading through tens of student emails a day, not to mention writing every single one a well-formed answer.
"I'd like to ask if I could retake the year."
She sits down, shuffles the paper in, which he assumes to be, his file, sighs and looks back up to him.
"That is indeed an option... But you must understand that despite being a good student we cannot keep giving you leeway like this. There are requirements you must meet, you need to do your own share. You simply cannot expect our university to adapt to your every whim."
He stares at her, mouth slightly ajar. He cannot find the words. This is not what he expected when he had asked to repeat a year.
"I'm sorry, I-"
"I'll be discussing with your professor before making the decision, see if she has anything to say about the matter. Then there's the paperwork you'll have to fill out with the student counselors. Try to be quick about it, you wouldn't want to miss the deadline and give them more work to do, as they have plenty with the graduating and new students."
"Excuse me, but I do not think-."
She sighs loudly, again. He cannot bring himself to interrupt her louder.
"I do understand you might have had a hard time after that unfortunate accident, but it's been five months now, you need to move forward. You can find the required forms on the webpage of the university.
I'm sorry, but I have another meeting with a student and need to cut this one short. Next time, please make your appointment in time," she finishes her monologuing as she stands up again, opening the door for him and greeting the next student coming in.
Kaneki feels weak in a way he cannot explain as he steps out of the office. Hide looks up at him and comes over when Kaneki doesn't move away from the door.
"What's wrong?"
Kaneki's breathing is shallow and shuddering. He leans his forehead against Hide's shoulder, desperately trying to will the burning in his eyes away.
"I’m a nuisance to society," he laughs, voice thick with misery.
Few hours later they're sitting on the couch. Hide keeps flipping through the channels while Kaneki keeps leaning his head on his shoulder.
"I didn't even get to ask about the extra time. I'll ask the professor, she will be the one giving it to me anyway."
"You might need to get a psychiatric evaluation for that," Hide quips in, a bit unsure how Kaneki feels about that. Not very open, by the way Kaneki curls into himself, bringing his legs up on the cushions, knees to his chin. Hide feels him wiggle his toes under his thighs. His feet are cold again.
"I don't know if I’m ready for an evaluation on how fucked up I am."
Hide slows down on channel surfing, placing the remote down next to him. He'll not deny Kaneki's fucked up. Not at all.
"I know," he comforts him. "But after you get the proper diagnosis, it might be easier to work on. I'm not saying you need to start popping pills, or get locked in at an asylum… But maybe getting professional help, you know, actual educated people, is better than scraping by with what you've got."
"Except I don’t have to scrape by... I've got you and Tsukiyama-san.”
"Kaneki, we'll support you to the end of the world, you know that. But we do not have the tools to help you get better or even cured if it's a possibility."
Kaneki groans. He knows. He looks up at Hide, at his concerned expression, one he’s been wearing way more often lately. It'd be nice to see him not having to worry over him like that. His knees drop down, one leg sliding between Hide's thighs.
"Thanks, Hide."
He wraps one arm over his waist, the other holding onto Hide's arm.
"For always being here for me."
"Of course. But you've got to work out a story, explaining your absence. 'As few lies as possible, so you have less to remember'. I heard that on TV once, you know."
Before he can stop it, a snort breaks the atmosphere.
"Of course you did."
It takes nearly a week for Tsukiyama to be persuaded into being alone with Hide. Hide explains his reasoning once and leaves the rest for Tsukiyama to decide. Despite everything in him screaming to either run away or kill him, Tsukiyama begrudgingly agrees with Hide, that for Kaneki, they’d both go to such extremities. Trusting Hide is painful, but Tsukiyama realises how much it means to Hide, when he loses the aggression from his behaviour.
They go out shopping, and when they come back, Tsukiyama brings in multiple shopping bags of human food with Hide’s help. Kaneki waits by the kitchen table, as they unload it all, grimacing at the sight. The contents of the bags range from a variation of vegetables to noodle cups to expensive looking glass jars to plain uncooked rice. Tsukiyama lays the items on the table, allowing Hide to take care of the cooking. Kaneki remembers Hide's less than impressive attempts at making cup ramen more edible, but the taste doesn't matter that much anymore. At least not to him. And Tsukiyama has enough money to buy a new extractor hood if need be. Or two.
Tsukiyama opens a few bags of snacks and chops a few slices of different vegetables.
"Take a bite, Kaneki-kun. And when you're done, arrange them to your order of your liking."
Kaneki's confused.
"But... Why? It's human food, I can't eat it."
"You can. You just don't want to. If you know what is hardest for you to eat, you can avoid it. Eat foods you have find less disgusting. All part of making this easier for you."
Tsukiyama pushes a bag of biscuits towards him before taking out several glasses, filling them with different liquids. Lastly, he places a mirror in the middle of the table, facing Kaneki. He looks at his own reflection, at the black roots coming up from the top of his head. The sight reminds him of Hide and his several years of lazy hair colouring.
He takes a half-crumbled biscuit and bites into it. It's like chewing on sand. He wants to spit it out, but Tsukiyama comes over to his side, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Look at yourself when you're eating. Try to act like it tastes good. I'm sure you know the 'swallow first, chew second' method, so try to hone that. And try not to throw up, I need to teach you how to do it quietly.”
Without meaning to, Kaneki pushes a bowl over the edge of the table as he hacks. The noise alerts Tsukiyama, who’s left to finish the last of his thesis. He hears him call out to him, sounding concerned.
“I’m-,” he takes in a deep breath, “- fine. I’m fine.”
“Kaneki-kun, please, let me help you purge” Tsukiyama kneels before him. They’ve done it several times that evening, and Tsukiyama had left with the assumption Kaneki’d do it on his own. Kaneki feels childish, like he’s about to get scolded. He holds up a hand, silencing Tsukiyama before he has the chance to continue.
“I’m. Fine.”
Tsukiyama looks at him with pained eyes, while Kaneki looks at all the food left on the table. He hasn’t even gone through half of it. Tsukiyama reaches out a hand towards him, but he slaps it away.
“You don’t need to do this in one go, Kaneki-kun, you can take your time-.”
“I’ve wasted enough time as it is already!”
Kaneki, going for another attempt, stands back up and reaches out towards the plate with sliced vegetables. He notices his hand shaking uncontrollably, but ignores it, grabbing a piece of cucumber. They’ve tasted like nothing to him before. They shouldn’t be that bad.
Before he even has the chance to open his mouth, he doubles over, desperately trying to swallow down the bile burning his throat. Tsukiyama calls out to him, panicked, over and over.
He keeps his lips sealed shut, but the vomit simply finds its way out through his nostrils, blocking his air, forcing him to open his mouth. All the gross, half-chewed human food splashes on the floor.
He howls in frustration as he drops on his knees, banging his forehead against the floor. Tsukiyama sounds almost hysterical as he pulls on his shoulders, restricting his movements.
“I hate this. Why does it have to taste so disgusting now? Why did I-.” A hiccup breaks his sentence. He doesn’t finish it, crying into Tsukiyama’s shoulder as the man holds him close.
He notices Tsukiyama’s body is trembling occasionally. He waits, checking if it was just his imagination, but the jerking motion returns in a few seconds. He takes his time for himself to calm down before he calls out:
“Tsukiyama-san?”
A small whimper near his ear startles him. He reaches out a hand and places his palm against the middle of Tsukiyama’s back. “Tsukiyama-san?”
A loud sniffle and Tsukiyama draws back, eyes puffy from tears. Kaneki’s too astonished to even think about what he must look like, considering he vomited not minutes ago. He’s never seen Tsukiyama cry, not like this.
“Please,” Tsukiyama’s voice is low and agonised. “You need to stop forcing yourself. Don’t eat anymore than you feel comfortable. Don’t try to keep it in. And for the love of god, don’t ever hurt yourself like that! If you need to harm someone I’d rather have it be me. Promise me you’ll never do that again.”
Kaneki watches the tears drip down Tsukiyama’s cheeks. His chest constricts painfully. He knows those words, knows them too well for comfort. He’s never thought of someone else thinking the same way as he does.
He chokes down the tears.
“I promise,” he croaks, cursing his foolishness.
The university is bustling at the beginning of the semester. Hide remembers the butterflies he had in his stomach on his first day: it had been so bad that he hadn't been able to eat breakfast, and being someone who ate great amounts in the morning, it had affected his mood quite bad. The next day he had apologised to his new classmates for his stomach's and his own grumbling.
Kaneki grabs onto his sleeve, shoulders shaking violently. Hide immediately takes his hand, holding onto it as he murmurs to him:
"I'm right here. We'll go inside, find your classroom and find ourselves a seat. Did you have classes in that classroom before?"
"No, but it was right next to one."
"So you know the way?"
"Yeah." Kaneki takes a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut for a second, slowly releases the air out of his lungs, and opens his eyes. "Yeah, I do."
Hide's ready to let go of his hand, but Kaneki holds onto his with a steady grip. For Kaneki, being seen holding hands with Hide and attracting curious stares is miniscule irritation compared to having nothing to hold onto as he desperately tries his best to force his way back into his old life.
I guess it's not really my old life. Not that I’d truly want to go back to it.
Hide chooses seats near the end of the rows, just in case Kaneki begins to feel unwell and has to leave. They sit down, getting Kaneki's pens and papers ready for the first lecture of the year. Hide tries to keep himself calm but he cannot help but feel a bit nervous for Kaneki. He really hopes he'll manage to make new friends, get used to studying again, all while recovering and looking to him and Tsukiyama for support.
As if sensing his fretting, Kaneki leans his head against his shoulder. The questioning tone when Kaneki calls his name confirms it. He must have been very obvious if even Kaneki had noticed. He sighs in defeat.
"The professor's here," Kaneki whispers, straightening his posture and giving Hide's knee a comforting pat.
Kaneki enters through the glass doors into the lobby. Hide had wanted to join him, but making him escort him to the CCG like that would've seemed more suspicious than him arriving alone.
The letter had invited him to a small interview about his sudden disappearance. 'A standard procedure' it was called, but with obvious intention to determine whether or not he's a ghoul.
Hide had warned him about the gate, but he had told him about the time he had entered through it when he had gone with Touka to give false information. The gate hadn't reacted, and if they are using it this time to determine whether or not he is a danger, instead of the RC-cell test, he has a chance. It could've been a malfunction, Hide had commented, unnaturally pessimistic. Kaneki had asked him for any better ideas to clear his name, but this is the only thing any of them are willing to bet on.
He joins the queue, heart beating rapidly as he gets closer. He has no escape plan if the gate does react. The person in front of him goes through. He has no time to think before he steps through.
Nothing happens. He walks further in, clenching the letter in his hand. A guest tag is handed over to him by an employee. The investigator, something closer to an office worker than a detective, is waiting for him outside the meeting room, waving him over. He exchanges pleasantries without thought, still caught up on how the gate hadn't beeped.
"We'd like to ask you a few questions about the time you went missing for a month, was it? Forty days. We would've asked you to come in earlier but unfortunately we had problems taking contact."
"Yes, I moved in with a... Friend, and forgot to inform anyone about it."
"Ah, I see. Is that the reason you went missing as well? It's not very common for people to just forget to tell anyone and leave them hanging missing posters."
Kaneki shakes his head. Stick to the truth if possible.
"No, after my accident on the construction site I ran into some personal issues. I began to work in a cafe to regain control over my life. Unfortunately I ended up drifting from my old life too much... And my mental health suffered. I ran away from everything and got involved with some bad people by accident."
He tries to shut the part of his memory that Yamori is plaguing. He doesn't want to think of that man ever, ever again.
"Fortunately some of my new friends found me and brought me back to my senses. Or at least partly. I had seen and experienced things beyond my capability to handle mentally, and I tried to run away again. A friend of mine stopped me and offered help. I felt tired of running so I accepted it. That is when truly I came back."
"And these things you saw and experienced?"
"I... Would rather not talk about them. Sorry. It took me a lot of time to let go of the fear that held me. I still haven't recovered and am looking for professional help."
He wonders if his answers are sounding too practiced and calculated. The investigator taps the pen against the clipboard, looking distracted. A single glance towards the clock and the dove closes his file, wrapping things up. A higher ranked investigator would've been suspicious, Kaneki is sure, but they're needed in more important jobs than simple checks ups on odd cases. They're putting their trust in the gate.
They exchange another set of pleasantries as they part ways, and when Kaneki closes the door behind him, he sighs deep, relief flowing through his veins. The gate still causes him some unnerve, but yet again he passes through without any problems.
A gentle tap on his shoulder has his adrenaline spiking, but when he turns the employee that was handing out the tags simply asks him to return it before leaving. Kaneki laughs in embarrassment, handing the plastic slip over.
The sun is shining bright outside, and Kaneki feels good about everything, for once.