Chapter Text
Apparently, the ceiling of Jimin's childhood bedroom consists of exactly sixty-six panels.
Interesting.
And there are actually tiny indents in them, something that Jimin had never noticed before: barely visible indents, forming symmetrical patterns across the panels, which is…
Okay, it's not actually interesting, Jimin has to admit to himself, and he has a very hard time keeping his attention on them, no matter how hard he tries.
But taking his attention off of them is also not an option.
Looking at the ceiling is safe. Nothing in sight but the boring white panels. No rumpled sheets, sex toys, or slick.
Jimin really hadn't thought there'd be so much of it. Sure, he had known omegas produce slick, and that they especially produce a lot of it during their heats, but so much? Enough to make him sticky all over, to form wet patches on his sheets, to make him nauseous with the sickeningly sweet smell of it?
Yeah, he could have really lived without that knowledge.
Or apparently he couldn't have, because this is his life now: he's officially an omega.
Shit.
To his frustration, Jimin feels tears welling up in his eyes, and for a moment he tries desperately to focus his attention back on the ceiling panels, on anything but the reality that he just presented as omega and went through his first heat, but it's a failed endeavour.
It's a truth that he can't run from, a misfortune that can't be denied: in a proud family of seven generations of only alpha and beta children he's the first to present as an omega. A male omega at that.
God, he can only fear what his mother will have to say about that…
Thinking about facing his family, his friends, now that he's an omega properly makes the dam burst, and soon there's an uncontrollable flow of tears streaming down his cheeks, his shoulders starting to shake with silent sobs.
It's just so unfair: he was meant to be an alpha. Everyone had thought it, all the signs had been there, and now… Now he's stuck with slick, and heats, and everyone will probably laugh at him, will think he's a failure.
If his stupid body had just had any sense, if it had just done what it was supposed to do…
Suddenly Jimin's sadness turns to anger, and he sits up in a rush, letting out a wild scream as he hits the mattress as hard as he can.
It's not enough though, and he jumps from the bed, yelling out a broken string of curse words as he aggressively tears his sheets from his bed, pillow and all, jumbling them up and throwing them to the other side of his room with all his might.
He's instantly heaving from the effort, his heat apparently having left him even shakier and weaker than he had expected, but that only feeds the storm within him.
The knotting dildo someone had apparently thrown into his room sometime during his heat is his next victim, and Jimin is pretty sure he almost breaks his window with how hard he throws it against it, the impact sounding loudly through the room.
The idea of having the gardener find a dildo on the lawn if the window would have actually broken would have been a funny imagine any other day, but Jimin can't see the humour of it now, only feels his rage picking up further at how grabbing the dildo left him with slick on his hand, and he almost starts hyperventilating trying to get it off of him.
He doesn't want this, he can't, he needs to get it off of himself –
It's in a panicked haze that he makes it into his en suite bathroom, immediately turning the shower to scalding hot. Soap and shampoo are lathered on in a frenzy, his hands shaking and head spinning, and it's only when his skin is raw all over that he stills, leaning against the wall with outstretched arms and hanging his head in the water stream.
Of course, that’s when the tears start flowing again, and this time Jimin allows it, allows himself to wallow for a bit, the shower obscuring the evidence of his weakness.
He has no idea how long he stands there for, just knows that the flow of tears slowly stops, an all-encompassing numbness taking over.
Maybe it's his brain slowly coming to terms with reality, maybe it's that he just doesn't have the energy to feel anything anymore, who knows, but it at least makes him feel able to exit the shower, shaky on his legs as he steps onto the mat next to it.
He goes through the motions of drying himself off and throwing on clothes on automatic pilot, only hesitating at his bedroom door for a second.
Okay, he can do this.
He's still Jimin, he's still himself, he can go out and face the world.
It will be fine. He has no idea how it will be fine, but it will be.
Probably.
Still, he can't help but walk as quietly as possible as he makes his way to the kitchen. He knows he can't avoid seeing his parents at some point, but he would very much prefer it if it wouldn't be right now, if he could at least first get some food into his starved body.
No such luck.
"Jimin?", it sounds from his mother's home office as he sneaks past it.
It very much doesn't sound like something he's allowed to ignore, and Jimin feels himself grow only shakier as he meekly steps into the doorway, pushing the door further open from where it had been open on a crack.
He finds his mother sitting behind her desk, her dark, sleek hair in her typical ponytail, her reading glasses perched on the tip of her nose like a stern teacher's.
Jimin has always found her intimidating – much like anyone else, honestly –, the authoritative alpha vibes and pheromones she exudes a bit extreme, but it's so much worse now, the urge to lower his head in submission almost too strong to ignore.
"So, it really was true then", she breaks the silence. "My son, an omega".
The way she flicks her glasses onto the table with one hand and then pinches her nose, elbows resting on the table, underscore the disappointment in her voice, and Jimin finds his own voice wavering as he answers.
"Well, uh, yeah, apparently…"
He almost startles when his mother pins him with her stern gaze again, anxiety only rising at the way her mouth twists into a scowl.
"God, if we could have at least known this sooner… We just planned out your university career, bought your apartment, arranged your internship at the company for the summer… But noo, of course you would go into heat months after you've started studying; just great".
The situation is starting to look pretty bad – is she really implying that I can't even continue my studies?! – but Jimin doesn't even dare to ask any questions, just settling for a meek: "Uh, sorry?"
Only to instantly regret it when his mother huffs in annoyance.
"Well, 'sorry' doesn't really get us anywhere, does it? It's not like how we feel about the situation makes any difference anymore at this point…"
"I – ", Jimin tries, only for his mother to directly speak over him.
"But well, it doesn't matter, your father and I have already discussed it and we're fixing this, we've already started searching for a suitable mate".
Jimin's blood suddenly to turns to ice.
"What?"
His mother once again sighs like he's one big disappointment, waving her hand around in a dismissive gesture.
"What do you mean, what? Let's be realistic here for a moment: it's the only feasible option we have. You're clearly not fit to take on any useful position in the company anymore, which means completing your degree would be pointless. If we can find a powerful family to marry you into you can at least still have some value to the family business. And don't look at me like a kicked puppy, you know that this is in your own best interests too given your new situation".
"But –", Jimin tries as he struggles to keep his tears at bay, desperation clawing at his chest. This can't be real, they can't seriously be marrying him off…
"But I'm still me: I can still be useful, I swear! Please, mother –"
"Are you though?", his mother interrupts. "We all know omegas are more unstable, less rational, let alone the way your pheromones will distract the alphas at the office. No, my decision is final. And if you know what's good for you you'll comply. This is just the way you are now, there's nothing to do about it. Is that clear?"
Jimin can't help it: tears start streaming down his cheeks, and he wipes his face in embarrassment, hunching in on himself as if his body is already preparing to ward off the imminent verbal blow, as he begs:
"No, please mother, I can still do it, I'm still the same – I'll take suppressants or so, I'll – I'll figure something out, please…"
"The same, he says", the sarcastic response comes. "You're crying, for god's sake! The last time you cried was when you were five… God, what a mess…"
And Jimin tries his best to convince her that it's just the remnants of his heat, that he can and will still be useful to the company in ways other than becoming some alpha's bride, but his mother won't hear it, and Jimin knows that his beta father will never go against her.
By the time he leaves her office, Jimin knows that he'll only be allowed to continue studying until they find him a mate, which should be soon.
Which means it's time to retract his earlier statement: things will definitely not be fine.
The next days are tough.
On the one hand it feels amazing to move back to his own apartment close to campus, away from the prying eyes of his parents and their constant potentially well-meant but definitely demeaning and hurtful comments.
On the other hand, being away from them doesn't change anything about the fact that they're looking for a mate for him, and being on campus means having his friends, his classmates, everyone, find out that he's an omega.
And god, he's not ready for that – if he'll ever be.
He can tell himself that he's still the same Jimin however much he wants: he can't deny that he feels different.
The stupid thing is that it's probably not even anything related to his biology: despite what his mother thinks about omegas, Jimin is educated enough to know that there are really no significant differences between the sub-genders with respect to their mental capabilities and emotional control.
Omega rights have been fought for and attained decades ago, and by now there really aren't any big differences in the way omegas are treated in most fields of work. Yes, there's still a bit of a glass ceiling, and yes, omegas definitely encounter more sexual harassment and unwanted advances than the other sub-genders, but all in all it's ridiculous to state that Jimin is only good for getting married off now that he's an omega.
It's really just the older generations that are still closed-minded enough to view things that way, and especially traditional chaebol families like his own.
It's just prejudice.
The problem is: it's a prejudice that Jimin has grown up with. That, despite all evidence pointing to the contrary, has apparently still also infested his own mind.
Which means that although Jimin knows nothing fundamental about him has changed, knows that he's just as capable, smart and strong as if he would have presented as an alpha, he doesn't feel it.
In fact, he suddenly feels insecure, small and scared, and he hates it.
Hates how he's all of a sudden hesitant to go outside, fearing how people might look at him and react to him. Hates how being out in the dark, even if it's just to get something from the shop around the corner, makes his heart race, occasional stories about omegas getting sexually assaulted in dark alleys in the forefront of his mind.
Hates that although he knows his friends won't judge him for his new sub-gender, there's still a deep-rooted fear in his chest that they won't take him as seriously as before from now on anymore, that they'll laugh at him, or, god forbid, hit on him.
It makes all the cocky confidence that he always had disappear in an instant, and Jimin is abhorred to find out what kind of shaky, meek version of himself is left behind without it.
The first days that he's back on campus Jimin therefore stubbornly avoids all social contact, only going straight to and from his classes, keeping his eyes down in class, and choosing to study in the safety of his apartment.
It's the first time he fully feels the luxury of having a place to himself: while students without filthy rich parents actually have to share rooms, either in the dormitories or one of the many dingy flats surrounding campus, Jimin can enter the hallway of his flashy apartment complex and breathe out in relief, absolutely sure that no one will bother him. Can set his Jacuzzi to the temperature he likes and let all the stressors of the day wash off of him.
Although the knowledge that all his privilege will soon be ripped from his hands by his parents makes the experience quite a bit more sour.
It's only after more than a week back at campus that Jimin can't avoid speaking to his friends any longer, when Hoseok tracks him down after class and practically forces him to agree to join him and Seokjin for a drink that night to catch up.
Of course, both his friends must have heard through the grapevine by now that Jimin presented as omega – one of the problems that comes with sticking to the friends his parents once carefully picked out for him – but thank god Hoseok is tactful enough not to mention it during their short talk.
Still, Jimin feels his heart beat in his throat as he picks out his outfit that evening.
It's not only that he'll properly see his friends' reactions to him tonight, but it's also going out in public, being seen by people in a place where he can't just ignore everyone and speed-walk home like he has been doing at campus the past week.
Jimin therefore goes for the most tough-looking outfit he can think of, as much un-omega-like as he can go, with dark fitted jeans, a black shirt and leather jacket. His blonde hair gets slicked back, and for once he doesn't wear any jewellery, glancing at his jewellery box in doubt and sadness for a moment before deciding that that would look too omega-like.
Of course he knows his newly obtained sweet scent will give him away anyway, but he can at least do everything within his power to not make things worse than they need to be.
He's a ball of nerves by the time he reaches the trendy bar they usually meet up at, the only thing that makes him push through the door being the knowledge that he can't possibly avoid this forever so can better just get it over with.
It's noisy inside, the intense mix of different scents an assault to Jimin's nose that only makes him more anxious. He's had some opportunity to practice with getting used to his enhanced sense of smell after his presentation at campus, but somehow this feels even more intense, more dangerous, and Jimin has to fight his instincts not to hightail it out of here.
Even spotting Seokjin and Hoseok's familiar faces doesn't really set him at ease, and he feels like a skittish animal as he makes his way over to them, constantly startled by noises and movements of the people around him, adrenaline coursing through his veins.
God, he does not want to be here.
At all.
Seokjin's opening comment doesn't do anything to help Jimin's situation, the older beta looking him up and down with a teasing smile on his lips before he says: "So, you present as an omega and you directly start dressing like a mobster? That's quite the unexpected choice…"
It takes Jimin all his willpower to stop his lip from wobbling at the comment, feeling this close to tears, and he quickly takes place on the opposite side of the table from his friends instead, grabbing Seokjin's drink and downing half of it before setting it back on the table in one smooth movement.
The burn of the alcohol in his throat – it was a long island ice tea, apparently – makes him feel somewhat better again, but it's still with a scowl on his face that he replies: "Yeah, well, things haven't gone exactly according to plan, so…"
"So you turned to the dark side, as one does…", Seokjin finishes for him, still smiling like this is all pretty funny.
He must have noticed that Jimin is about to bite his head off though because he clears his throat, loudly and awkwardly says "Right!", and quickly signals for a waiter to bring them a new round of drinks.
No matter his friends' best efforts, the atmosphere doesn't improve much. Jimin keeps seeing an attack in whatever they say, keeps nervously looking around himself to gauge if people are staring at him, keeps feeling angry.
It's a petty sort of anger: Seokjin and Hoseok are both not omegas, Hoseok even an alpha, exactly what their families had wanted and hoped for. Their futures aren't ruined, they can never understand how it feels.
Not that he can blame them for that, he knows in the back of his mind, but it still feels unjust, the feeling only intensified by how he quickly drinks himself into tipsiness.
Things only get worse when Hoseok at some point clearly tries to make him feel better, resting his head on his folded arms and blinking up at him innocently and sweetly as he says: "Well, at least you smell fantastic now, that's something… Seriously, you're like, like –", he takes a few deep sniffs of the air, "– like a meadow full of wildflowers, it's lovely! Right, Jin?"
"Yeah, well, I wasn't fucking going for that, but geez, Hoseok, thanks", Jimin bites back before he manages to filter himself. "That will certainly make me feel better once my parents marry me off to some dickhead alpha, when I'm nothing but some trophy husband who gets used to bear kids and look pretty at parties. I'm sure the fact that I'll smell like fucking flowers while I wallow in misery will be a great source of comfort".
"Hey, Jimin-ah", Hoseok directly soothes, "you know I didn't mean it like that… I just meant it as a compliment: you know how quite some omegas have a really sweet, too intense scent, but yours is actually really nice, that's all…"
"Right", Jimin snarls back, "so you're hitting on me now? That's just great, god…"
He knows he's properly being an asshole now, but it's either that or bursting out in tears, and he will not confirm the stereotypes about omegas by breaking out in tears in a fucking bar.
He won't.
It's also clear that he's starting to piss Hoseok off though, because the alpha sounds far less friendly as he bites back:
"Firstly, ew, no way. And secondly, god Jimin, way to act like the world is ending. You know you can actually refuse an arranged marriage, right? I mean, sure, your parents could make your life a bit difficult when you decide not to obey them, but you're an adult and it's not the 50s anymore, they can't actually make you do anything… I get that you're frustrated, but maybe, like, turn down the aggression a bit?"
Jimin knows Hoseok is right, but he also knows that he's a good son, that despite how harsh his mother is he likes his family, likes his social standing and his luxury life, and throwing that all away for the unknown also doesn't feel like an option.
It's therefore only due to the arrival of another round of drinks that they don't bicker on, but it doesn't take long for things to actually escalate.
Specifically, they're only a few sips into their new drinks when Seokjin hums pensively before saying: "You know, it is quite striking that Taehyung was actually right. About you presenting as an omega, I mean. Like, you may have shunned him for his prediction, but he did apparently actually have a point…"
And Jimin should have known that if anything would have made him snap, it would be the mention of Taehyung.
He himself hadn't even thought about his former best friend since he presented, far too busy feeling sorry for himself, but that only makes hearing his name now hit harder, Seokjin's comment feeling like a stab in the gut.
They do not talk about Taehyung.
Seokjin knows that, knows that although it's been months since their fall-out it still hurts, and Jimin therefore doesn't even feel guilty when he abruptly stands up, setting his glass on the table with a loud clunk.
"Fuck Taehyung. And you know what? Fuck this too. I'm out. I'll wire you the money for the drinks".
And with that he strides away, pushing through the crowd of people blocking the exit without looking back once. He feels like he's about to explode, rage coursing through his veins, and something in him wants to lash out further, wants to growl and snarl and hit someone.
At the same time though, his instincts scream at him to go home, to get to safety, to get away from all these scary people and scents and alphas, and the mix of anger and underlying fear has him feeling completely out of control, scared of what he might do to others or himself if he doesn't somehow manage to get a grip.
He doesn't even know how he makes it to the safety of his apartment complex, the way there a blur, just knows that his heart is beating wildly in his throat as he dashes up the stairs, too anxious to even use the elevator in fear of coming across strangers.
It's only when he pushes through the front door of his apartment that the tears come.
Adrenaline had kept him worked up all the way home, but now he's shaking, feeling the weight of his crippling fear and insecurity crush him as he leans back heavily against the closed door, sliding down it as his knees buckle.
Fuck.
He doesn't even understand how everything so quickly turned into a mess, how he went from being a confident, generally happy teen to a nervous wreck within weeks, and, while he somewhere knows that he's doing it to himself, he doesn't know how to make it stop.
And the worst thing is, as he's sitting there, curled up into a ball with his forehead leaning on his drawn-up knees, feeling like the world is falling apart, the only thing he can think about is Taehyung.
Because Seokjin was right: Taehyung had been the only one to even entertain this possibility, to almost seem to want Jimin to present as an omega.
And while Jimin wants to focus on his anger, wants to hate Taehyung for the fact that he probably feels smug now, knowing that he had been right all along, he only feels regret, feels hollow.
Because he should never have reacted so strongly to Taehyung suggesting that he might present as omega: he knew it then and he knows it now.
But they'd been at Jimin's birthday party, with not only their friend group but Jimin's family, his mother, and while everyone had politely voted for either beta or alpha as Jimin's probable presentation when the topic had inevitably come up – he was turning 19 already so his presentation had to be close –, Taehyung had just sat there, legs spread in a cocky posture, fresh out of his own first rut, and had grinned as he said: "I think omega".
Jimin's mother had of course directly gasped in shock at the mere idea, sounding almost personally insulted as she threw back: "Why on earth would you think that?"
And while Taehyung went on to calmly explain that there was always the possibility of a child presenting as omega, even with their parents being an alpha-beta couple, and that all arguments that had been used in favour of Jimin presenting as alpha could just as well be used as arguments for an omega presentation – things like protectiveness and stubbornness fitting both sub-genders –, Jimin could only feel one thing: embarrassment.
Everyone knew that one of the things Jimin's family was most proud of was their lineage of purely alpha and beta children, knew that Jimin presenting as omega was the last thing any of them wanted to even think about, and here Taehyung sat, as Jimin's closest, dearest friend, calmly stating that he thought Jimin would be an omega.
So Jimin had done the only thing he could think of: he had lashed out.
He still vividly remembers how taken aback Taehyung had looked when Jimin had yelled at him in front of everyone to take that back, how Taehyung had quickly tried to explain that he hadn't meant anything bad with it, that he'd just wanted to make them all aware of the possibility instead of wanting to insult Jimin, but Jimin hadn't listened anymore.
He had just grabbed Taehyung by the arm and had harshly pushed him into the direction of the front door, asking him to leave.
Directly that same evening when he was lying alone in bed Jimin had known that he had over-reacted, but at the same time he was also still hurt. Taehyung had known how much being an omega was a taboo in Jimin's household, how badly Jimin wanted to be an alpha (or fine, even a beta), and to therefore suggest something like this in front of everyone…
Still, he had reached out to Taehyung himself after giving them both a few days to calm down. Taehyung and he had fall-outs more often, a consequence of spending nearly every day together, but they always fixed things, so Jimin had fully believed they'd fix things now too.
If only Taehyung would just apologize for what he had done, things would be fine.
That had been the problem though: when Jimin had called Taehyung he had refused to do so, claiming that although he could have been a bit more tactful in how he said it there had been nothing wrong with mentioning it; that there was a legitimate, albeit small, chance of Jimin presenting as an omega.
While a small part of Jimin had known that Taehyung had a point he had been too proud to admit it, too scared to even acknowledge that there was a chance, and within no time they'd entered a screaming match again.
And so, before Jimin knew it, there was suddenly a rift between them, an empty hole in his life where Taehyung used to be.
Jimin could have reached out, should have reached out, at least for Taehyung's birthday or New Year's, but he hadn't.
And neither had Taehyung.
It had hurt the whole months that they had been apart, had felt like a twist of a knife in his gut whenever someone had mentioned Taehyung's name or they'd seen each other in the reception area of their apartment complex – because of course their younger selves had thought it would be a great idea to convince their parents to buy them apartments in the same building.
Tonight is the first time that Jimin cries about it though, cries loudly and hysterically to the point of feeling his lungs ache with it, because despite his hurt pride and stubbornness he can't deny that the only thing he wants right now is his best friend's arms around him, Taehyung's soothing baritone voice telling him that everything will be alright.
Taehyung isn't here though, has probably already made new friends and has long forgotten about him, and so it's with a heavier heart than ever that Jimin drags himself to bed.