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Cooking Lessons

Summary:

Jason makes a startling discovery about Alfred and proceeds to inform (and scare) the entire group.

Notes:

Fluff? Fluff.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Jason *not dead* Todd: Guys, I’m shook

Dick Grayson: What is it?

Tim Drake: You’re ADMITTING to being shook??

Tim Drake: What happened- you find a new cooking hack?

Tim Drake: You found a dog you actually *wanted* to adopt?

Tim Drake: You’re free of bruises for the first time since you were 12?

Jason *not dead* Todd: It’s Alfred

Tim Drake: WHAT ?

Dick Grayson: Is he ok?? What do you mean it’s Alfred??

Dick Grayson: Hey, ANSWER us.

Dick Grayson: This isn’t funny.

Tim Drake: I just called him. He’s not picking up.

Dick Grayson: What could get HIM shook?

Tim Drake: Either he’s pissed at him, or he’s sick.

Dick Grayson: You think?

Tim Drake: THAT WOULD GET ME SHOOK!

Dick Grayson: Okay, okay… I’ll try texting him again.

Dick Grayson: Jason, come on! Text back!

Jason *not dead* Todd: *dead* GUYS. Chill. Alfred is okay

Jason *not dead* Todd: Alfred told me something about himself

Jason *not dead* Todd: You ready for this?

Jason *not dead* Todd: He only learned how to cook AFTER the service.

Dick Grayson: What do you mean?

Jason *not dead* Todd: You know he’s an awesome cook - he only learned AFTER he was in the armed service.s

Dick Grayson: WHAT?

Tim Drake: How is he so good?!

Jason *not dead* Todd: YOU SEE WHY I WAS SHOOK

Damian Wayne: Stop. Saying. SHOOK. It is unbecoming.

Jason *not dead* Todd: So is sword-wielding, short stack. 🗡👼

Jason *not dead* Todd: Get over it.

Dick Grayson: HAHAHAHAHA

Dick Grayson: Wait that’s mean, come on

Jason *not dead* Todd: And he wasn’t?

Dick Grayson: True..

Damian Wayne: Why is it so SHOCKING that one is a great chef after A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME?

Damian Wayne: I swear, Drake has lowered your standards.

Tim Drake: HEY! For the last time, Damien! I kNOW how to cook!

Damian Wayne: SPELL MY NAME WITH AN E ONE MORE TIME, DRAKE - I dare you!

Tim Drake: 😈😈

Jason *not dead* Todd: I always thought he went to culinary school - HE’S SELF TAUGHT!

Tim Drake: So there’s still hope for you!

Jason *not dead* Todd: Pot, meet kettle.

Jason *not dead* Todd: I’m not the one who gets food posioning twice a month.

Tim Drake: Those were accidents!

Damian Wayne: *poisoning

Jason *not dead* Todd: Alfred will DEFINITELY teach me

Tim Drake: I would love if he taught ME, but NOOO, it’s all, STAY OUT OF MY KITCHEN, TIM! YOU CAN’T BURN THOSE EGGS, TIM! TOUCH THAT QUICHE AND I BAN YOU FROM THIS PLACE, TIM! I JUST WANT TO MAKE DOUGHNUTS AND BURGERS!

Jason *not dead* Todd: Well maybe if you didn’t burn everything you touch, reverse-Midas.

Dick Grayson: Reverse-Midas 🤣🤣

Jason *not dead* Todd: Well! He BURNS EVERYTHING!

Jason *not dead* Todd: I’m with Alfred on this.

Alfred Pennyworth: Thank you, Jason. The rest of you, YOUTUBE.

Notes:

Because everything is better when it ends with Alfred.

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