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Riddles, to Torment Bruce

Summary:

Dick knows that Bruce fought the Riddler all night. He decides to be a jerk about it.

Notes:

I'm working on some longer stuff - one-shots and Jason Todd Answers The Phone - but I had a mild depressive episode, so you get fluff instead.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Dick Grayson: what's black and white and blue all over?

Dick Grayson: come on. Someone. What's black and white and blue all over?

Tim Drake: a hypothermic penguine

Damian Wayne: *penguin

Jason *not dead* Todd: supes after batman hits him with with a kryptonite baseball bat.

Dick Grayson: jason, you are correct.

Dick Grayson: what is difference between milk and water?

Jason *not dead* Todd: The cow

Jason *not dead* Todd: The grass 

Jason *not dead* Todd: The farmer

Damian Wayne: My patience.

Dick Grayson: one of them can be ingested. One of them kills 43% of the population.

Jason *not dead* Todd: your bones are brittle.

Dick Grayson: ouch. I broke my eyes looking at that.

Dick Grayson: how are your 58 ARTHRITIC bones FROM BREAKING THEM VIA EXPLODING DOING?

Jason *not dead* Todd: Just fine, Ric.

Dick Grayson: The timeline got reset, okay!

Jason *not dead* Todd: whatever you say.

Dick Grayson: what is smoll, dark, and not handsome?

Damian Wayne: bitewing.

Dick Grayson: Gasp!

Dick Grayson: that's mean!

Damian Wayne: AN ANIMAL CANNOT BE HANDSOME RICHARD!

Dick Grayson: untrue! They are all handsome little boys! And girls. And I sure would love to talk about BATCOW.

Damian Wayne: TAKE! BATCOWS! NAME! OUT OF YOUR UNWORTHY MOUTH!

Tim Drake: dick whats the answer

Dick Grayson: Bruce's heart < 3

Jason *not dead* Todd: accurate.

Damian Wayne: Bruce's heart needs to be exceptionally large for his job.

Dick Grayson: true

Jason *not dead* Todd: I got one!

Jason *not dead* Todd: who is scary, hawt as hell, and can have you begging in bed?

Tim Drake: steph.

Damian Wayne: Drake we did not need to know that!!

Jason *not dead* Todd: wrong answer

Jason *not dead* Todd: always figured you were a bottom, @Tim Drake

Damian Wayne: who?

Tim Drake: We aren't going to have this conversation, AT ALL!!

Jason *not dead* Todd: she has olive skin.

Jason *not dead* Todd: she has a thing or two to learn about cooking.

Damian Wayne: WHO!

Jason *not dead* Todd: ehh now i won't tell you

Damian Wayne: ILL SHOW EVERYONE YOUR PRIDE AND PREJUDICE BOOK!! NO - YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT AGAIN!

Jason *not dead* Todd: … Damian, buddy?

Jason *not dead* Todd: there's this THING

Jason *not dead* Todd: it's kinda called a bOKSTORE.

Damian Wayne: …

Damian Wayne: ... *bookstore. 

Jason *not dead* Todd: IT'S YA MOMMA 

Tim Drake: who invented gun powder?

Jason *not dead* Todd: the Chinese

Tim Drake: final answer?

Jason *not dead* Todd: YOUR MOM.

Tim Drake: someone who wanted guns to look pretty.

Jason *not dead* Todd: what do you call a liar on the phone?

Tim Drake: anything you want.

Jason *not dead* Todd: a telephony.

Dick Grayson: why is an old man like a window?

Jason *not dead* Todd: he's translucent

Dick Grayson: he's full of pains.

Dick Grayson: 😂😜

Bruce Wayne: RICHARD GRAYSON

Dick Grayson: hmmmmmmm??? 🙃

Bruce Wayne: YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL I SPENT THE NIGHT FIGHTING RIDDLER!

Bruce Wayne: HOW DARE YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS!

Dick Grayson: sorry. It was a situation I couldn't refuse.

Bruce Wayne: What situation?!

Dick Grayson: Vague humor at your expense :D

Bruce Wayne: I do not like you as a son.

Dick Grayson: Buut as the best Robin???

Bruce Wayne: …

Dick Grayson: hah! I win!

Jason *not dead* Todd: I WAS THE BEST ROBIN! I wasn't violent!

Bruce Wayne: he makes a good point…

Damian Wayne: if you die in the line of duty, you are unworthy of honor! @jason.

Dick Grayson: DMAIN!!! >:( YOU KNOW HOW MANY FREAKING COPS FUNERALS WE HAVE BEEN TO!! HOW DARE YOU!! I HAVE COUNTED!! 68! IN THE LAST YEAR! 68 OF THEM!!!

Damian Wayne: AS Robin! Calm yourself, Richard. I mean them no disrespect.

Dick Grayson: You'd better not have. That crossed a line.

Dick Grayson: Anyway. Sorry Bruce. I'll stop. You deserve a rest.

Bruce Wayne: Yes. Yes I do. Muted, all of you.

Jason *not dead* Todd: WHICH ONE OF YOU TRAITORS TAUGHT HIM HOW TO MUTE?

Alfred Pennyworth: Me.

Notes:

That took a few hard left turns.

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