Archive of Our Own

Kaoru had no idea why Anzu had invited him out today. Typically, if Anzu had something to say, she’d simply text him or just show up at his dorm. Maybe she’d invite him to the ES Cafeteria if she felt especially energized. But today, for whatever reason, she had shown up outside his dorm room unannounced and dragged him to Café Cinnamon (not that Kaoru was going to complain—he’d never pass up an opportunity to see his crush).

The impromptu meeting went smoothly—Café Cinnamon was nearly always empty at this hour, aside from the occasional person darting in for a snack. Kaoru rambled to fill the silence; Anzu wasn’t one for talking much, and she sat across from him at one of the tables, listening intently and hanging on to his every word. Maybe that was a bit much, actually—he was just chatting about nonsense to try and put off the inevitable topic: why did Anzu drag him out?

There were only so many times Kaoru could talk in circles about all the times he hung out with Izumi and Chiaki, though, and he eventually found himself in an awkward silence with Anzu, punctuated by the occasional sip he took from his coffee. The emptiness clung to Kaoru like sweat on a humid afternoon, with the unmentioned topic slowly swarming around him. Worries descended upon him like mosquitos in May—was it rude to ask Anzu why she invited him out? It couldn’t be that bad, could it? It’s not like asking would ruin the mood; the current one was abysmal.

Kaoru inhaled through his nose. “Anzu-chan?” She perked her head up and stopped twiddling with her hair at the call of her name. “Why’d you invite me out?”

Now it was Anzu’s turn to get nervous. Her cheeks turned rosy, and she began to stare intently at her empty plate that was decorated with sparse crumbs.

“I mean, like…,” Kaoru continued, hoping that if he kept talking, it would encourage Anzu to open up. “It’s not like UNDEAD has any big performances coming up, right? Usually, you’d swing right into that topic if we did. Not that I don’t like hanging out with you for no reason, of course, it’s just, like…,” Kaoru trailed off, vaguely gesturing with his hands, as if that would clarify his point further. He took another sip of his coffee—bitter.

It seemed that was what it took for Anzu to work up her gut. She stood up abruptly, staring at Kaoru intently. With what intent? Kaoru could never tell. However, with the way she thrust her arm out, it looked like she was…asking him to take her hand? Kaoru raised an eyebrow as he placed his hand on hers. She grasped it, yanking him up and towards the back of the café. Kaoru yelped, stumbled, and followed her.

She took a quick turn, shoving one of the single-stall bathroom doors open; she held it open for him, locking it once they were both inside. Kaoru had been here before—no wonder she had turned red earlier, because he was, now, too. “A-ah, Anzu-chan, we shouldn’t do this. Here, at least. I’m glad you think of me that way—“ (Was he, actually? Now that he was in the situation, he didn’t know.) “—but we’ll probably get caught. We can head back to my dorm, y’know. I can shove Yuuta-kun and Ran-kun out, probably—“

Anzu paid no attention to his musings—instead, she pushed him up against the wall, arms pinning him in like he was her prey. Holy shit. She was moving really fast, huh? Kaoru felt like he was going to have a heart attack. This was too fast, especially for Anzu, even if she was horribly headstrong. “Anzu-chan, are you sure you want to move this fast? Like, shouldn’t I know if you’re a virgin before we start—?”

Anzu kissed him.

Her lips. Pressed against his.

Holy shit. Holy shit.

Kaoru felt around eighty different emotions rush through him all at once. He was nervous, and scared, and terrified, and he felt like he was going to explode, and—

Anzu pulled back, and it was like she pulled all his feelings back with her. All in a millisecond, the panic seemed to subside, and it was replaced with…nothing? No joy? Just…emptiness. Just as dull as every kiss that came before.

He had always chalked up the weird lack-of-feelings thing when he kissed girls to the girl "not being the right one” before. Not that he cared—he'd only been going out with them as a distraction from his real problems. They were just cute flings with attractive girls, and he'd known that. He always assumed when he'd found the one, the right one, there'd be some sort of fireworks display between their mouths, and he'd just know. There was none of that.

Anzu was the perfect girl, too, and Kaoru had known it since the second he’d laid eyes on her. Yeah, maybe he was a little headstrong at first, but he did genuinely enjoy her company once he got to know her. She had this cute laugh—one that rolled over him like an ocean tide and filled every sense with a soft sea breeze. She was quiet for the most part, mostly relying on her blank stares and vague gestures to get her points across (it worked, once Kaoru adjusted to it. Or she had someone accompany her that knew what 'slight head bob to the left' meant and translated for him). But that worked to her advantage—it let you take in everything else about her. Her cute skirts, knee-high socks, and pink sweater underneath her uniform jacket made sure she was the epitome of a cute high schooler. The epitome of a girl. And Kaoru desperately wanted that.

Obviously, he had a crush.

Maybe it was the location that caused a sad fizzle compared to an explosion of passion? They were in one of the bathroom stalls of Café Cinnamon—it wasn’t exactly a romantic location. But, logically, location shouldn't matter with true love. Maybe his outfit? The weather? The general ambience? Just simply the date? Maybe Anzu was on her period. That could affect hormones, right? Right?

Kaoru’s internal panic after the not-disastrous-but-not-particularly-good-so-that-in-of-itself-was-disastrous kiss was interrupted as Anzu spoke. "Does that solve your problem?"

Kaoru was sweating. She was so close—her body was shoved up against his, and he had to look down to see her face even though she was on her tippy-toes (how had he not noticed she was so short before?). Anzu's hands gripped his sweater, as if he was her only chance of survival and if she let go she’d drift out to sea. Her eyes, though vacant, were sparkling like the ocean in the moonlight, and Kaoru had no idea why. Why was she looking at him like this? Did she notice his hair sticking to his forehead with sweat? Was the kiss really that bad? Oh, God, he hadn't answered her yet. Did she notice how sweaty he was? Why hadn't he taken his jacket off yet?

"Uh, Anzu-chan—" an awkward laugh, followed by him darting his eyes away, "—what problem?"

She took a step closer; Kaoru attempted, to no avail, to step backwards, too. "Your crush."

Why was this the one time she was direct? There was no way she hadn't noticed how sweaty he was by now. Absolutely no way. He had to get out of here, now, before he made any more of a fool of himself. He had to go.

Still looking away, focused on a distant ceiling tile (it was beige with dark brown speckles), he replied, "Uh, y-yeah! Yeah, it, uh, did. Yes." He looked down at the girl who was clinging to his sweater like a baby koala, face as unchanged as ever. Good lord, why hadn't that kiss worked when her face was so cute? Kaoru desperately scrambled for an excuse. "I, uh, have to go, now, Anzu-chan. Work. UNDEAD practice. You know." Wow, real slick. Great excuse, Kaoru, he berated himself. It's not like Anzu has the UNDEAD lives and practice schedule all but memorized at this point, let alone the fact you literally mentioned that there was nothing coming up to her earlier.

Yet, somehow, Anzu seemed to take a hint and backed off of his ridiculously clammy body. All she did was nod before Kaoru made a mad dash for the stall door, ran across the hall and cut through the door labeled Employees Only (he was sure Niki would cover for him if a manager asked any questions), and ended up in the back alley behind Café Cinnamon.

And then he crawled back to his dorm room to bury his face in a pillow and scream.

"So, uh. Yeah." Kaoru waved his hand as if it would ward off the horrible experience. "That's why me and Anzu-chan have been so awkward for the past week. She kissed me and I panicked. And I’ve been running from her ever since."

Rei simply hummed from across the table, sipping on his tomato juice box. He looked...rather bored? How could Rei be bored when Kaoru was in the middle of a crisis here?

"Hey...Rei-kun," Kaoru said, hoping to get Rei's attention. Rei was just...staring across the ES cafeteria, nonchalantly, as if nothing was going on. As if Kaoru was not having the largest disaster of his whole life. "Rei-kun. Rei-kun!"

Rei all but woke up with a start from his daydream. Rei blinked once, twice, before everything really clicked in his brain, like his eyes were snapping into focus. "Ah...sorry, Kaoru-kun. Tired."

Now it was Kaoru's turn to hum in response, lazily stirring his spoon in his instant coffee (which was doctored with lord-knows-how-much sugar and milk). Kaoru could see through the flimsy excuse, but he knew better than to push Rei when he kept his answers vague and didn't voluntarily launch into a tangent about the morality ‘of living when one must hurt others’ or something. So Kaoru simply ignored him and returned to his own problems. "Well, maybe you can give your mind a rest while you give me some advice here, man."

Rei smirked; placing his juice box on the table, he relaxed back into the booth and spread his arms across the top of it. "Now, Kaoru-kun, you know I don't just solve people's problems for free, now. You'll have to do something for me in return." Rei's eyes had a mischievous glint in them, reminiscent of his time in second year.

Kaoru rolled his eyes. "You say that, yet never make me pay you back."

"I'm biding my time, dear. Waiting for the most opportune moment to strike."

"Whatever." Kaoru rolled his eyes and took the spoon out of his cup and took a sip of his overly sweet concoction. "Well, anyway, can you, like...tell me what went wrong? With the kiss?"

Rei stared at him, expressionless, for a moment. Then two. Then he was shaking. Shaking? Why was Rei shaking? Rei lifted his head, and—

He was laughing.

Not a slight chuckle. Not a giggle hidden behind a polite smile. Not even a belly-shaking laugh kept secret by covering one's mouth! A full-blown, I've-just-heard-the-funniest-joke-of-my-life laugh. A laugh loud enough that it attracted the attention of the entire cafeteria. Or at least that of the people in nearby booths and tables (even then, in reality, it was more of a sideways glance. Weirder things had happened in the ES cafeteria).

Kaoru was going to die.

"Rei-kun!" Kaoru hissed, hoping his cheeks weren't getting too flushed. "Shut up! People are staring!"

"A-ah, sorry, Kaoru-kun, I just—" another round of giggles, "—Do I really seem so well-versed in romance? Or at the very least, yours?"

Kaoru glared before darting his eyes away again. "Shut up." He took a sip of his coffee before looking back at Rei. "You're supposed to be the, like, great Sakuma Rei! You're supposed to just...know these things, I guess." The idol shrugged.

Rei seemed to cool down at that. "Ah, Kaoru, you know I haven't been that in a very long time." A tinge of sadness edged Rei's voice; Kaoru felt a pang of regret at his impulsive word choice.

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry." Kaoru recoiled, drawing his arms across his chest. God, he really was the worst sometimes, wasn't he?

Rei shook his head, though. "It's nothing, Kaoru. Perhaps you'll just owe me double for this, hm? It'll come in handy to get you to do something you'll despise in the future…kukuku." A different pang hit Kaoru this time—one of irritation and fear. He really was an idiot.

"Well, regardless…,” Rei continued. "Relationships do take time, Kaoru. They're not as simple as a kiss sealing the deal and what not."

"Yeah, but…" Kaoru sighed, uncoiling himself to put his hands around the lukewarm mug. "It didn't need to be all…explosions and rainbows, y'know? It just needed to feel…good. It needed to feel right. And something just didn't click about it." Rei hummed, gesturing for Kaoru to continue as he picked up the juice box again. Kaoru let out another sigh. "It's not that it was bad, per se, just, like…I expected more? I guess? Like, I expected me to feel something more than, just, 'wow, that was a kiss.'"

Rei nodded. "Well, Kaoru, this means something, hm?"

Kaoru snorted and raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, no duh."

Rei smirked, placing his now empty juice on the table and raising a finger. "This whole situation means that you misjudged your feelings for our dear little producer." Rei leaned forward, chest over the table. Kaoru felt his chest tighten—why was he so close? "Now, Kaoru, I can't tell you what your true feelings are. You're more than welcome to talk through it with me, though."

Kaoru paused. That…was a solid point. What kind of feelings were these then? The flutter in his chest when he saw Anzu in a cute dress, with adorable frills and lace; his heart melting when he saw her perfect make-up from Arashi; that elevated heart rate when Anzu played with his hair, mentioning how long and good for braiding it was; when she mentioned how cute he was; and—

Oh. Oh.

"Hm?" Rei purred. "Did Kaoru make a realization? Your face is quite red."

Kaoru stood up, quite suddenly (people looked over again, not that he noticed this time). Gathering his coat, he said, "I, uh…yeah. I did. Thanks, Rei. That, uh, helped. Thanks."

Rei wiggled his fingers at Kaoru. "Bye-bye, Kaoru-chan. Tell me when you get yourself all sorted out, hm?" he teased. Kaoru ran out before he (or Rei) could make any more of a fool of himself.

Kaoru stood in front of his mirror, hugging a dress to his chest in order to see how it would fit. The dress wasn't terribly long; it was designed to go down to someone's knees, with a U-shaped neckline and short, loose sleeves. The skirt was pink and sequined, with the top being a light, creamy yellow. It had been a present from his sister—gifted years ago at this point—for when Kaoru "found the right girl” and wanted to go to a casual spring fling. Not that that had ever happened.

Kaoru turned in the mirror a couple times, getting a feel for the shape, and sighed. No time like the present to bite the bullet and try it on, especially when he had two roommates who loved coming back home unexpectedly. (He had made them promise that they would be out the whole day, though. Hopefully, they’d keep their word.) And yet, the sinking pit in his stomach made him want to shove the stupid piece of cloth back into the plastic bag, ram it back under his bed, and hide his face in a pillow to disguise his moans again. But Kaoru was done with running from his problems—

So instead of giving in to his shame, Kaoru easily pulled the zipper down on the back of the dress to the bottom of the top where it met the puffy skirt. Shakily, Kaoru lifted one foot up and into the skirt. "What am I doing..," he muttered as he stuck his other foot in before he could chicken out. Like he’d been doing for the past week.

He pulled the dress up; an awkward seam popped and Kaoru winced. From all his time in idol work, seams popping set him off like a loose canon. Resisting the urge to go searching for the ripped line of thread, he finished yanking the dress up, which was not sewn with him in mind at all, he might note. After hooking one arm through the sleeve, then the other, he began to fumble with the zipper in the back. However, it was, in fact, not terribly happy that someone with a broad chest was trying to wiggle into it, and refused to budge after reaching halfway up Kaoru’s back. He sighed; it was a futile battle to try and yank a zipper—trust him, he’d tried it before with old idol costumes. So he let it be and instead focused on looking in the mirror.

Which was a very nice thing to do.

The dress was, obviously, very much not meant for someone built like hi—no, her. The skirt was too short on her; what was a knee-length dress had become mid-thigh length. The waist was a bit of a pinch, of course, and the chest area was loose and left something to be desired. Kaoru turned in the mirror. The gaping hole where it should zip up was glaringly obvious, but, somehow—

Somehow, despite all those flaws, it felt...nice. It felt good and right and fitting.

She felt a large grin spread across her face. She was really pretty, wasn't she? She spun in the mirror, lifting up the skirt to fluff it like a princess from her sister’s childhood storybooks. Kaoru found herself giggling like a schoolgirl, and it all just felt right. It felt like everything was going to be okay.

And maybe she spun a bit too fast, because she then got incredibly dizzy and fell face-first onto her bed. Also like a schoolgirl. But that elation didn't dissipate, and Kaoru felt herself start kicking her legs into the bed, giggling, and hugging a pillow to her chest. Maybe Anzu really had fixed her crush.

Ah, speaking of Anzu...

Kaoru shuffled around her bed, her hand grazing over the pillows and blankets until she found her phone. She picked it up and opened the chat she had with Anzu.

Heyyy, Anzu-chan. Can I

Kaoru paused. What should she even write? "Can you help me?" and leave it vague? Specifically spell it out? She erased the message and started again.

Anzu-chan, can you do me a favor?

Ugh, great job, Kaoru, she chastised herself. Make it sound like you want Anzu to do something gross with you. She backspaced, restarted the message, and stopped again. God, why was it this hard? Kaoru groaned and shoved her face into the pillow, briefly contemplating quitting this whole ordeal and placing these feelings back into the bag with this dress and launching it out a window. It would be so much easier to keep running from herself, wouldn’t it? But then she’d be just as she was in high school—hiding her true problems. She had promised herself not to do that again—she’d promised Rei, too, and all her other friends. The pain of self acceptance was worth it. So, instead, she peeked her head over the pillow, she hesitantly typed out:

Can we go dress shopping?

And quickly hit send before she could realize how stupid of an idea this was.

Kaoru wanted to throw her phone against a wall, but instead settled for groaning into the pillow again and shaking the phone. That's kind of like deleting an impulsive message to a girl, right?

However, the almost immediate ping awoke Kaoru from her downward spiral into self hatred. She glanced at her phone over the edge of the pillow to read the notification.

Anzu
Of course!!!!! Who for??

Kaoru smiled at the excessive punctuation, a common occurrence when messaging the producer, before she started panicking. Who for? Who for? Was she really going to do this right now? What if she was wrong? What if she wasn’t a girl and this was all for nothing? That’d be embarrassing, wouldn’t it? So, instead, she typed out:

It's complicated. I can give you body measurements and general style, though.

Kaoru’s message was instantly marked read, and Anzu's message started pending. Just as quickly, though, it paused, disappeared, and reappeared.

Of course, Kaoru-san. Give me any details you have :3!!!!!!

The pending message icon appeared and disappeared a few more times, and Kaoru watched anxiously. Finally, Anzu seemed to make up her mind when another notification lit up the screen, followed by another.

Did you sort out your feelings?

A beat. Another text.

Is this a date?

Kaoru just about had a heart attack. Anzu was going to be the death of her. Without the option of an awkward laugh to brush the conversation to a different subject, Kaoru huffed. There's nothing like just procrastinating, is there? It’s not exactly running away—she would tell Anzu later, of course.

It's complicated, Anzu. I'll explain it later.

Kaoru and Anzu met up a few days later at the nearby mall in the area, a short jog from the ES dorms. She'd been there a couple times, both with exes on failed dates that were incredibly awkward and led to a break-up and with touchy girls on first dates who enjoyed getting a bit too handsey for a public place (not that she objected).

Kaoru waved as Anzu approached. "Ya-ho, Anzu-chan." She hoped Anzu didn’t notice how her voice wavered just slightly as she took in Anzu’s appearance. The brunette's plain, light-blue dress and cute jean jacket, coupled with a small purse really sold the idea that she was on a date. Kaoru's baggy jeans and sweatshirt, however, gave off the impression that she had just come out of a depressive hibernation.

Anzu simply blinked at her. An apt greeting for ES's star producer.

"Shall we get going?" Kaoru held out a hand and Anzu promptly took it. They went inside the huge, modern mall.

The mall was…more than huge, once you got inside. It was sleek and had white tile floors and shiny gray escalators that greeted you at the entrance, whisking you away to a second and third floor before you even saw anything on the first one. All the walls were white as well, but the miniature booths for each store had their own paint jobs. The empty hallways splayed out in every direction, with countless chain stores crowding them. Inside each store, from what Kaoru could see, cluttered merchandise was shoved into every nook and cranny to try and maximize the miniature pod. Juxtaposed with the complete, echoing emptiness of the hallways, it was not a good mix.

Needless to say, Anzu did not enjoy the mall much—her grip on Kaoru's hand tightened as proof. Kaoru's heart jumped and she hoped it wasn't obvious. (It wasn’t, given how distraught Anzu was.)

"Are you going to be okay?" her voice shivered like it had a cold, and she cleared her throat. Anzu, however, nodded without looking away from a nearby store and began a stern march towards it, yanking Kaoru behind her.

Their first stop was one of the aforementioned clothing chains, filled with plain, lackluster clothing. Not that Kaoru minded—base pieces were important when crafting a wardrobe. She didn't want to overload an outfit with eight different show-stopping pieces (though with how some of her ex-classmates dressed, she supposed that sometimes you would, in fact, want to do that). The store was organized by color, which created a pleasing ombré effect as you progressed through it.

Anzu quickly surveyed the store the second she entered. Scanning the racks, she easily found what she was looking for and brought Kaoru over to a light pink sundress. With spaghetti straps and a loose, flowy skirt, the dress seemed like a good start for a summery look. The straps crossed in the back, making an X pattern. It was...really cute. Kaoru reached out to touch it on the rack—soft, to boot? Ah—Kaoru pulled at the fabric softly, as if she were plucking petals off of a flower—and stretchy. You really couldn't have found something better. Kaoru was in love.

The love spell, however, was quickly broken as she re-entered reality and remembered the hitch that always came to clothes shopping. "Ah, Anzu-chan, uh...what size?"

Apparently, that caught Anzu off guard, evidenced by her eyes very, very slightly widening. Though, quickly enough, it seemed to click in her head, and her eyes reverted back to their normal, half-open blank stare as she made a quick X, followed by an L, symbol with her hands.

"Ah." Kaoru shuffled through the rack, plastic coat hangers clanging against each other, until she found the right size and fished it out of the rack. "Thank you, Anzu-chan." Anzu beamed (or her equivalent thereof) and Kaoru petted her hair. It was...soft. Really soft. Soft like dandelion fuzz. Wow. Kaoru wanted hair like that.

After the first store, Anzu paraded her idol throughout the mall’s many stores, picking up items ranging from blouses to hair accessories with practiced certainty each time. She knew the exact sizing for each item, aside from the fumble in the first store, and even had an occasional employee wave hello and ask if she was really back so soon (she always smiled slightly and waved before shuffling behind Kaoru like a small child behind their mother. The blonde then picked up the slack for her). Had…had Anzu scouted this out before? Kaoru knew she hated going out by herself to places like these; she'd always come back to her dorm exhausted to the point where she couldn’t even make her signature gestures. Occasionally, she'd be so mentally drained that she was left unable to even text people for a few days, let alone speak. Did Anzu employ someone else to help her? Or did she...did she do all this by herself, all for Kaoru's sake?

Ah, Anzu really spoiled her, huh?

Anzu made quick work of the place, darting the duo into shops for a single item, checking out, and swiftly dragging Kaoru out to the next stop. She was so adorable when she was determined: her little feet pittered along as she carefully counted the floor tiles, humming all the while. It was like she was dancing ballet, and Kaoru was her partner, spinning her across the stage with beautiful pirouettes, hand in hand all the while. It was like they were a couple. Were they a couple? Was this a date? What was this—

Kaoru’s train of thought was abruptly cut short when Anzu stopped mid-stride. Kaoru, however, had continued forward, and their hands were briefly disconnected before the idol returned to her producer. They were on the third floor, and she was staring across the hall at a, uh…what was she looking at?

"Mm, Anzu-chan?" Kaoru hummed, moving her head to scan across the mall to see what might have allured Anzu. She all but jumped when she realized Kaoru was still there, as if all thoughts of her surroundings were lost on her. "You, uh, wanna show me what you're looking at?" Anzu's head nodded so hard that Kaoru was scared it was going to fly off. Anzu grabbed the blonde’s hand again and nearly yanked Kaoru’s arm off with how hard she pulled. No longer counting her steps (or maybe she still was, just significantly faster now), Anzu all but sprinted across the floor, around the escalators, and towards a set of arcade games.

Anzu looked over at Kaoru before pointing at the icon of her fascination: a stuffed corgi. The toy was pale yellow with a white chest, and the small, glossy eyes caught the light in a way that made them glimmer with a brightness contesting Anzu’s own.

Kaoru exhaled fondly, a smile making a way onto her face. "Do you want it?" she teased. Anzu quickly nodded before she pressed her face into the side of the machine like a child. Kaoru placed the numerous bags from the different stores on the floor and pulled out her wallet; luckily, her allowance hadn't reached a drastic low (yet). She slipped a 100 yen coin out, pushed it into the blinking slot, and smiled as the machine booted up with a cute jingle. "Watch and learn, Producer." She winked at Anzu—not that she noticed, as all of her attention was devoted to the corgi.

Kaoru quickly assessed the controls; they were simple—four arrows to change the direction of the claw, and a fifth in the center to drop the claw. Easy-peasy—Rei's little junior he kept such an eye on, Natsume, had shown her a thing or two the previous year (actually, it was closer to 'Rei went down to the Game Research Clubroom for whatever reason and Kaoru hitched a ride along, and then she watched Sora from a distance and pretended not to care as Rei and Natsume discussed Oddball things'), and the training was finally coming in handy.

Kaoru carefully pressed the buttons to perfectly maneuver the claw over the plush. She held right for a bit, then pressed forward for just a second until—ah! Perfect! Kaoru pressed the center button, and the claw sank squarely onto the center of the dog. Bullseye.

The claw easily lifted the animal and dropped it softly into the prize collection area. Kaoru fished it out, before turning to walk over to Anzu and, ah—she was already here, staring at the animal like Kaoru had just presented her with a guaranteed lifetime supply of thread for unit costumes.

Kaoru smirked, and handed the animal over. "Here you go, Anz—geh!" She was quickly interrupted by Anzu squeezing her arms around her waist tightly—tightly enough that all the air left her lungs (Anzu has a surprising amount of muscle, Kaoru noted). Anzu's hug then relaxed, and she ran her hands up and down Kaoru's back, petting it, as if she was getting a feel for the material.

Once Kaoru recovered from the initial onslaught, she sighed, smiled, and pet Anzu's hair again. "Ah, Anzu, I didn't realize you wanted it that badly... I guess all those dates in high school paid off, huh?" Anzu seemed to...nuzzle into her chest at that, like she was a bird finding a proper tree branch to nest in, and she chirped a little tune like one, too. Luckily, the mall was almost completely empty on an early weekday morning, so there was nobody to complain about the two of them making too much noise or being too affectionate.

When Anzu was done, she pulled back from Kaoru, took the dog from her hands, and immediately began to pet it as if it was a real animal. Kaoru tried not to giggle; Anzu didn't take too well to teasing, but she was super cute like this.

"Is there anywhere else you'd like to go, Anzu?" Kaoru asked, grabbing the assortment of bags, a sense of fondness lacing her voice, like how her voice was supposed to sound when talking about a girlfriend. Not that it had before—maybe she really did have a crush on Anzu.

Anzu shook her head, paused, then nodded. She pointed up.

"Ah, Anzu, we're on the top floor, though..."

Anzu shook her head. Her finger insisted: up. Kaoru blinked.

"The, uh, roof, Anzu?"

Anzu nodded, a slight upturn of her lips affirming that Kaoru had the right idea.

"Ah, Anzu," Kaoru said. "We're not allowed up there, though...it's employees only. All the signs say so." To prove it, the idol pointed her own finger to the nearby door, labeled such.

Anzu pouted—and, instead of responding, she grabbed Kaoru's hand and yanked her toward the door. She completely ignored the sign and shoved the door open. Weren't these things usually locked? Was the security here astoundingly relaxed, or was Anzu just that strong? (Oh good lord, Kaoru was going to have a heart attack.)

Kaoru tugged their shopping bags along as Anzu led her up a steep staircase and through a heavy metal door with a large No Smoking sign attached—not that it seemed that anyone paid attention to it, though, as Kaoru spotted an ashtray almost immediately after exiting the stairs. It was placed by a bench on the roof. Must be where employees take breaks, huh?

It was mid-morning at this point; the sun shone brightly through the sparse clouds in the sky. The air was slightly sticky, as if Kaoru was instead a spoon stirring a stew and not a girl walking through a midsummer day. Maybe they should’ve heeded that sign, actually—who would want to be up here except a poor employee looking to catch a break from the crowds? But that was an easily answered question: Anzu would.

Speaking of, she let go of Kaoru's hand and went over to the edge of the roof. There was a small cement wall that stopped at Kaoru's hips to keep people from falling off. It had since been covered by the occasional sticker pasted on, probably placed there by another trespasser or a bored employee. Anzu proceeded to hop up to sit on its ledge.

"Ah, Anzu, that's dangerous, y'know? What if you fall?" Kaoru followed her to the wall, a small smile spreading across her face. "What would your idols do without you?"

Anzu shrugged, making no movement to get off the railing. Instead, she placed the corgi in her lap and looked up at the sky. "Most of you guys can sew. You'd be fine."

"Mmm, yeah. That's true." Kaoru had reached the railing, and put the bags down. "But, y'know, I'm not talking about that. We'd miss you."

Anzu shrugged. "I know you guys would." And she slipped down the ledge to stand next to Kaoru, holding the little corgi against her previous seat like it was a child wanting to be lifted up to survey the empty parking lot. She hummed, looking down at the creature, moving its little paws like it was waving at the few people trickling in and out. Not that they could see, of course. Kaoru couldn't help but think they probably shouldn't be here, honestly; they'll get in trouble the second an employee comes up for a smoke break, but she couldn't seem to find it in her to care enough to bug Anzu about it.

"Thanks," Anzu said suddenly. "For the corgi."

Kaoru hummed in acknowledgment. "You seemed to really want it. And you still do." She placed a hand on Anzu’s hair to ruffle her hair. Like her mom used to do.

Anzu bobbed her head side to side, making sure Kaoru kept petting her all the while. "I like him. Saw him when I..." she trailed off, eyes still trained on the sky. Kaoru raised an eyebrow, and she sighed in response. "When I scouted out clothes for you," she finished sheepishly.

"Ahh." Kaoru looked out into the parking lot. "I knew it," she teased, smirking.

Anzu huffed, cheeks inflating like a chipmunk. "Well, I wanted to make sure there was good stuff. It'd suck if the person these are for wouldn't like them. Did I do a good job following style requests?" Kaoru nodded and waited for Anzu to keep talking, but she didn't. She continued to wave the little corgi's paws, making little humming noises as she did.

Kaoru waited a few more beats before getting tired of the empty silence. "...Aren't you going to ask who these are for, Anzu?"

Anzu looked over at Kaoru as she stopped playing with the corgi. She blinked. "No. Why would I?"

"You don't get curious?"

"Well, I do, but it's not my business, and the fact that you didn't immediately jump to explaining yourself over text a couple days ago means you don't want to talk about it."

Kaoru hoped her cheeks weren't too red. “Am…am I really that obvious?”
Anzu merely nodded in response. Ugh. How embarrassing.

“Would…would you like an explanation Anzu?” Another nod. Kaoru let out a shaky exhale, heart pounding in her chest. "Well, you, uh, recognized my body measurements, right?" Anzu hummed in agreement; Kaoru swallowed the forming lump in her throat. "So, they're, uh...for me. You know?"

”Mhm. I know."

Kaoru whipped her head over to look at Anzu as her face heated up, making the somewhat sticky atmosphere that much hotter. “You—you know?” Anzu offered no response but a smirk; Kaoru groaned and looked down at Anzu's blue, doe-like eyes. "You're an asshole, sometimes, Anzu-chan. Making me spell it out for you, and then it turns out you don't even need it." She forgot how perceptive her producer was, sometimes, despite the fact she played dumb quite a bit.

Anzu grinned like the Cheshire Cat. "Oh, Kaoru, you know you enjoy it."

"Ugh, you're as bad as Rei, sometimes. How much time do you spend with that guy?"

"Who do you think took me out window shopping?" she snickered.

Kaoru's face turned as red as a beet, lip raising in irritation. "You talked to him?" Why did the world conspire against her like this…?

Anzu turned her head back toward her corgi to play with him again. "Yeah. We talk a lot, you know."

"Oh, I know. I know,” Kaoru huffed, resisting every urge to run back down the employee-only stairs, and away from all of her problems. "God, that's so embarrassing. How much did that guy tell you?"

"Oh, you know. Some."

"Gah!" Kaoru dug her nails into the cement, immediately regretting it when she heard the horrible screeching noise. Hopefully, her nails weren’t too jagged now. "That's horrible! So embarrassing!" She shoved her face in her hands, groaning.

Anzu hummed, and a silence fell between the two of them, as Kaoru tried to hide her red face in her hands as she leaned her elbows onto the wall. A few more people were shuffling into the mall, now, but not nearly enough to overwhelm Anzu. Kaoru remained people-watching through the gaps in her hands until Anzu stirred. "I'm sorry."

"Mm?"

"I freaked you out. In Café Cinnamon. Really badly, from what Rei said." Her fidgeting with the toy grew quicker and more repetitive. "I'm really sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I thought it'd help you."

"Help me with what?" Kaoru looked over and cocked her head.

"I don't...know, really. You just have a weird back and forth relationship with me. Like one minute we're friends, and the next you're acting like a lovesick elementary schooler." Anzu pulled the corgi up for a hug. "And it's weird, and I don’t like it, and I know it'd never work if I was upfront about it, because that's just who you are, so I just, like, thought it was a good idea, at the time, I guess? And it wasn't, and I'm really sorry."

Kaoru blinked a couple times. That was a lot all at once to process. But that was...really sweet of Anzu, to care enough to think of her. Even if her problem solving methods were unorthodox. She smiled. "Ah, it's alright, Anzu-chan. You just, uh...the way you solve problems confuses me, sometimes." Kaoru laughed a little. "Thanks for trying to help, though. It, uh, did, in the long run." Anzu nodded a little, and Kaoru prepared herself. She was really going to do it now, huh? "Well, uh, it helped, cause I, uh..." How do you exactly talk about this kind of stuff with someone? She’d never really been open about her feelings, per se, and now she was supposed to talk about something so personal? More personal than even her mom? (Was her mom watching her right now?)

But Anzu was patient. She didn't hurry Kaoru along; she didn't make her spit it out. Anzu waited quietly, eyes trained on Kaoru as Kaoru kept surveying the parking lot, too scared to look at Anzu.

"Do you..." Kaoru started, paused, inhaled shakily, and started again: "Do you know Narukami? The 3rd year? God, of course you do, you're Anzu. Sorry, that was stupid."

Anzu shook her head. Hesitantly, she took one of her hands and put it on Kaoru's, which was bunched up into a tight fist. Kaoru smiled and relaxed as Anzu’s painted nails covered her own. Kaoru took a deep inhale. "Well, she's a girl, y'know?" Kaoru hated how her voice was shaking, she hated how quiet it was, she hated how sweaty her hands were, she hated how her whole body was trembling. "Well, uh, I, um...I might...be one...too." Kaoru's voice grew quieter as she kept going. God, she should've just told Anzu over the phone. That would've been easier instead of a stupid, quiet voice that wouldn't stop quivering like a cornered puppy.

Anzu remained quiet. God, she probably thought Kaoru was gross, huh? Some sort of freak that gets off to being called a girl. Anzu would probably leak this to the media, too. Ruin everything. Freaks deserve that, don't they? What would Kaoru's family think? Her dad was right; she really should've just stayed at the live house. What would Kaoru's mother have thought?

"Sorry. Sorry, that was gross, huh?" Kaoru laughed, shaking Anzu’s hand off hers and placing it behind her head. She closed her eyes—it was better to face Anzu’s disappointed and disgusted face later. "We can, uh, go return the stuff, if you’d like. I'm sorry for making you come out here for that—"

Anzu shook her head. "No. No, it's okay, Kaoru. I just...didn't see it coming. I think. I wouldn't expect you to tell me so quickly." She laughed.

"Huh?" Kaoru opened her eyes, looking down at Anzu.

"You're really secretive about this kind of thing. Like, even something personal-adjacent, you won't tell me about. You know how long it took for you to talk about your mom?" Anzu laughed, reminiscing about last year. "But...I'm glad you told me, Kaoru. I think your mom would be proud of you for coming out of your shell so much, and realizing so much about yourself."

Kaoru stared at Anzu. God. Would her mom really be so proud of her? Has she really improved so much? She sniffled, moving her hands to her face—yeah, she was crying. Her hands wiped the tears away. Anzu wouldn’t help much in this kind of situation; she never knew what to do when people started crying. Instead, Anzu stood there while Kaoru sniffled and cried into her hands, fat tears rolling down her face. She probably looked like a mess, huh? But it was…nice, actually. It was nice to let that emotion out in front of someone without them feeling like they needed to fix them. Anzu was always so calming.

When Kaoru was able to stop crying, she blinked a few more tears away to see Anzu looking up at the sky, back leaning against the wall, holding the corgi across her chest. Kaoru slowly turned around to stare up at the sky with Anzu.

"When'd you, uh..." Kaoru sniffed and rubbed her nose, then vaguely gestured with her hand. Her voice was still shaky from crying. "Figure it all out?"

Anzu stared at her blankly. "Figure what out?"

"Y'know...gender. You're, uh...?" Kaoru trailed off, waiting for Anzu to take the hint, which she did not. Kaoru sighed. "Not cis."

Anzu blinked. "Oh. Yeah?"

"So, how'd you figure it out?"

Anzu hummed, staring up at the sky. "I didn't. I still don't know what to call myself."

Kaoru snorted, then sniffed. "Not like that, Anzu, I mean like...when'd you figure out you weren't, y'know, completely a girl?"

Anzu hummed. "It was...middle school, I guess. Well, not really. I've always felt like...this,” Anzu said, looking over at Kaoru, who was staring at her with a small frown on her face. "It's not like my body is wrong, or anything, it's just like...it just is. It just is a body. I don't have any real connection or attachment to it. Like, I could wake up tomorrow in a different one and my only response would be 'huh, that's new.'"

Kaoru giggled a little at that, covering her mouth with the back of her hand. Anzu let her laugh a little before continuing. “Well, as a kid, I figured most people felt like that. Like their body was just that: a body. And, apparently, they don’t. It’s weird." Anzu pointed to a cloud off in the distance. "I was like that cloud over there, away from the rest. I never really sympathized with most girls my age. It wasn't a them thing; it was a me thing. I didn't really have anyone, for that matter. Boys were closer, were better, in a sense, so I thought I might be one. Like you, I tried a dress on for a bit and tried to make it fit. But I tightened and loosened the ribbons, cut off and sewed on sleeves, zipped and unzipped it, and yet, it didn't quite work. It didn't fit.

"So then, I thought, well, I must have been a girl all along, even though I knew I wasn't. I don't know what I was expecting there." Anzu snorted. "It didn't fit, either. I was still just in something that didn't fit me, not that there’s one that would. Or will. And then I just kind of...realized that, I guess? That regardless of what I did to change myself, the changes wouldn't make me happier with…me." Anzu looked over at Kaoru—she was too enthralled in the story to notice Anzu shift closer. Anzu smiled, placing her head on Kaoru’s shoulder, even if the humidity made it rather uncomfortable. "So I turned my attention elsewhere. If I can't make myself happy with my body, then the least I can do is make others happy with theirs. That’s part of why I’m still a producer." Anzu shrugged, and a silence fell between them. It was nice, though; a calm silence, a peaceful one. Not that it was an empty one—the distant chattering of mall-goers was still there, with the occasional car honk. But mostly, the two of them looked up at the vast sky.

"You ever just...realize how small you are?" Anzu asked. "Like, how small your problems are in comparison to the rest of the world?" Kaoru nodded. "I like to think of it like that," the producer said. "My problems are small, and I'd rather fix something larger. Like the sky."

Kaoru hummed. "Thank you, Anzu."

"For what?"

"For just, uh...helping, I guess."

Anzu smiled. "That's what a producer is for, isn't it?"

“Mmm.” Kaoru shifted, placing her head on top of Anzu’s. “You're more than that, though. This is more than what a producer is supposed to do, y’know? You could've just said no to the whole idea.”

Anzu cocked her head. “The date? Ah—” Anzu hesitated after she blurted that out. “It is a date, right?”

“Ah…I don’t know,” Kaoru replied, shrugging. “I don’t know what these feelings are, Anzu. It’s…complicated. Complex. I don’t know if these feelings are romantic or just…jealousy.” Anzu nodded. “Can we leave it…open, for now? Just…not label it. I feel like…,” Kaoru trailed off, trying to figure out how to word her feelings. “It’s like…I’m too close to you to consider us just friends, but I’m not sure if I’d want to date you…? Does that make sense?”

Anzu hummed, smiling and ruffling the fur of her corgi. “Yeah. It’s okay with me, Kaoru.”

“Mhm. Thank you. Ah, about the date, though—you could've just said no. Most producers would have. Or have been creepy about the whole thing.”

Anzu fell silent, furrowing her brow. “Why would I?”

Kaoru mumbled something before exasperatedly bursting out: “I don't know, Anzu. I just wanted to thank you for not. And for opening up to me, I guess? About the whole—” Kaoru made a circular motion with her hand. “Gender. Thing.”

“Oh.” Anzu looked down at her little corgi. “I’m glad it made sense to you. I'm not very…organized, about this kind of thing. Self-introspection.”

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “I've been able to tell, Anzu. You never talk about yourself. But, really…” Kaoru pulled her head back, and Anzu followed suit. Kaoru then tucked a stray curl behind Anzu’s ear. “Thank you.”

Anzu nodded. “You're welcome. I’ll always be here for you, alright? You can always trust me.”

Kaoru relaxed a bit. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.

“Thank you, producer.”