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Wade had spent much of his day bored and at this point, he was desperate. Being immortal meant many things but one of them was that spending his time bored was pointless. It's not like he could die- jumping off of planes, off of bridges, shooting himself- they all rendered useless in a couple hours. All in his roster of available activities but, somehow, he's already gotten sick of it. (Although shooting himself is still fun on occasion as it shuts up those damn boxes. Wade had always been a pretty lonely guy and at one point he probably wouldn't have minded the boxes, but now they make him feel more alone than ever. The incessant insults and nasty comments don't help either.)
Patrolling around New York had its perks in that he could catch the occasional criminal, yet tonight there were little to none. Either the local vigilantes had stepped up or it was just quiet, he wasn't entirely sure.
Either way, Wade settled on the classic- building hopping and enjoying the sites of New York. The trash and overpopulation was less blatant at night, the moon setting a casual glow across the city. It could be peaceful if not for the distant sounds of yelling and sirens. Not the vigilant kind of yelling and sirens, unfortunately.
As he didn't have to pay much attention to being careful, he wasn't really looking where he was stepping. The lights were pretty, after all, and Wade is a simple man. In the distance he could see the Avenger's tower, a blaring reminder of all that is wrong with New York. While he didn't have much of a problem with the idea itself, Wade hated the repercussions. They'd destroy entire cities without any regard for the people, sometimes not even offering salvation. Okay, he's killed his fair share, but everyone he's killed deserved it. Random ass citizens don't deserve it, but they don't care enough to think about that fact. They think of the whole picture but don't think about the small men, as is the problem with rich people.
While Wade was aware he was approaching the edge of a building, there was about a one second warning that he was falling before he actually fell. He overestimated the length of it and took a full confident step, tumbling off of a fifty foot building. The boxes had- to their defense- warned him, but he hadn't bothered to do much about it. What were a couple broken bones for an immortal guy, anyway?
Expecting a flat fall and the pain of impending impact, Wade closed his eyes and let his arms fall out. Only a couple more seconds, then…
Ah, no. He isn't falling anymore. That's weird.
Well, it'd be pretty damn normal if not for the fact that he's not in any pain, maybe a little whiplash if anything. Disoriented, he opened his eyes to see the building he walked off of only about ten feet above.
Wade tried to move his arms to see if he was just tripping and pulling a cartoon effect thing (maybe Slapstick had stuck around?) but he found it stuck. Well, all his limbs stuck. He could barely move his hands and feet but his back was completely plastered to whatever had caught him. He started to fight it, but he couldn't even reach out to get his katanas. See, kids, this is why you keep knives in your wrists.
The light was poor but pollution was high and he could make out very thin strands keeping him glued. Kind of… kind of like a spider web?
The strands glistened in the light, bending under his movement but holding strong despite all ~230lbs of Deadpool it was holding. He couldn't even feel one snap, at least through the adrenaline that he'd gathered. Frowning, he tried again, but to no avail.
Damn, he's stuck in some giant spider's web. That's fucking great. At least he'll make a hell of a snack.
"Wait a minute…" Wade mumbled to himself, fighting to free his mask. Hopefully the velcro would come undone in his struggles so he could get his head up. Spiders that big don't exist, and if they do definitely not in New York.
[What do we know that's big and spidery?]
Webs!
Wade hadn't really thought in depth about his fantasies but this could definitely be added to it. Sex in a web? Hell yeah.
But the real question was why was this here and why, out of anyone, was he caught in it? Either he has seriously bad luck or it was meant to be. He's hoping for the latter. Spider-Man wasn't on that list for nothing.
Although, he and Shiklah had broken up a good couple of months ago. And for a stupid vampire, no less. Maybe Wade wasn't the most handsome but at least he left the house.
Not wanting to wallow in self-pity while trapped in a web, Wade narrowed his eyes to look at his surroundings. Damn, maybe he should've just shot himself. The cancer was taking effect again and his vision was rapidly deteriorating, not a good thing for a mercenary.
There was the slightest of movement up in the far right corner, what could've definitely just been a bug. Trapped on the web like this meant he could feel anything that touched it, but he was still kind of at a loss. He couldn't move, and while he definitely had the equipment to take down Spidey's webs, he couldn't get to it.
For whatever reason he set this up, Wade really hoped that he'd come back soon. This sucked.
He was about two minutes into the predicted self pity when he felt the slightest tap on his shoulder.
It could've just been a bug again, but the web was oddly undisturbed. There was little wind tonight.
Wade turned his head as fast as he could (not succeeding in taking his mask off, yet, but his boot definitely felt like it was slipping off) and came face to face with a very confused looking Spider-Man. A very hot, but very confused looking Spider-Man.
He was perched on the webs perfectly, feet back and hands gripping the strands. Spider-Man's head was tilted to the side, and although his mask didn't offer much emotion, Wade could see the eyes slightly squint. "Wade?"
"Right on the money, Spidey! Now, could you, uh, unweb me? Or cut me down? Because I'm sure this is a great web and all but it's a little uncomfortable floating up here-"
There was a slight 'hmph' then he was running his fingers underneath Wade's head. His head unstuck to easily, making it seem stupid that Wade had struggled so bad. A little bewildered, Wade glanced down at Web's hand. "That's cool, but can you actually let me down?"
They'd gathered this sort of pseudo friendship, where Webs tolerates him and works with him, but they rarely hang out outside of patrols. Which made sense because Wade didn't know his identity, but it still kinda hurt. Sometimes. How the hell could Peter Parker know who he is but not Wade, his best friend/love interest-
"You should've watched where you were stepping," he frowned and tilted his head again, letting go of Wade's head and sitting down yoga style on the webs. Spidey really looked at home on them, which made sense considering he was a spider.
Sometimes Wade wondered if the reason why he covers up his face is because he's really ugly. Like that monstrous abomination Itsy Bitsy- maybe he had mandibles and shit.
[[We would still hit!]]
[What if he bites our dick off? Talk about ouch.]
Ignoring the preaches of the voices, Wade looked up at Webs with the biggest puppy dog eyes. "Pleeeeease?" he begged, wiggling his fingers. "Or at least give me Bea. I can work from there."
Spider-Man considered, tapping a single finger on the web. While he looked a little miffed, he still got up and crawled toward Wade's head.
Completely trapped like this made him feel a little intimidated. Wade was most definitely the prey and he was pretty sure spiders were predators. If Webs wanted to, which he definitely hoped he didn't, he could eat him. Or just kill him, maybe he's not too-much spidery to eat a guy. Wade knew he didn't taste good, anyway.
Yeah, he tried. That's not the point.
The katana withdrew easily from his back, and with a hesitant movement Spider-Man placed it in Wade's right hand. It was a little hard with the angle but Wade started to steadily cut himself out, breaking the strings of the web as he did. Webs didn't seem to like that he was doing so, glaring at Wade with shining black eyes, but he had no choice. "I thought this wasn't supposed to be so sticky," Wade complained, finally freeing his upper body and working on his legs.
"It's special webbing," Spidey replied softly, having returned to his yoga pose a little ways off. "Sticks. Easier to lounge in. Which, thanks, by the way, for destroying my bed for the night."
A little surprised, Wade turned to look at Webs with a confused expression. What, is he homeless? He didn't know Webs all that well but he couldn't have been homeless, even with the collapse of Parker Industries.
[Good riddance.]
[[Amen to that.]]
"If you don't have a home to rest in, I'll gladly donate mine," he replied giddily. "I'll even sleep on the couch! You can have the entire place to yourself. Think about that, roommates with my idol!"
"I'm not homeless," Spidey replied, still staring at Wade with judgement. "Even if I was, I definitely wouldn't sleep in your home. It probably has dead bodies in places where there shouldn't be dead bodies."
"That was only once!" he grumbled haughtily. "And you caught me off guard. I'd clean for you, Webs. You're the love of my life! We're heartmates! Destined to be-" His monologue was cut off as he unintentionally fell, breaking the last couple of strands all at once and tumbling the remaining forty feet to the ground.
Being upright after all that was a little disorienting but then he felt a sudden tug and he was dangling a couple feet above. Wade cheered and turned his head to Spidey, who had thrown out a web to catch him. "See! Soulmates!"
Webs slowly pulled Wade up until he was dangling under him, unfortunately caught on the back and not able to do much else. "If you don't stop with that, I'll drop you. Right now, Deadpool."
While it had been what Wade was looking for the entire night, he wasn't all that keen on dropping now that he had company. With a sharp shake of his head, Wade started to cross his arms with fear. "Nope! All good! Not a singular heart around here. Us, together? Pfft, your ridiculous-"
It still kind of hurts, a little, to be rejected like that. Wade legitimately did like Webs. More than what would be great lay, definitely more than a friend. Although he's sure if someone summoned Spider-Man's heartmate it'd probably be someone stupid and definitely not Wade. He'd say yes in a second if Webs legitimately asked to be his date. Not even a second, maybe like half a millisecond.
There was another long moment of consideration and dangling before Spider-Man crawled across the web and plopped Wade on a fire escape. Wade frowned and started to pull off spare pieces of webbing, dropping it on the ground with a shake. "Thanks for the ride! And the death saving. Would've sucked to die again."
"Yeah, whatever." Alright, so, yeah, he's totally a little peeved. That makes sense. Wade ruined his weird web-hammock-thing.
The look Spider-Man gave him was a total 'go away' look, so Wade sighed and started to make his way down the fire escape. There goes his plans for tonight. Maybe he'd try to sleep for once.
–
Peter watched Deadpool leave with a slight, little tiny bit of sadness.
He'd quickly gotten sick of Wade's advances that were obviously going nowhere. Maybe if he was actually being serious he'd consider it, but it was so painfully obvious he wasn't. And it kind of hurt, but that was also just Wade as a person. He never took anything seriously.
If Wade sat down with him and actually asked for Peter to date him, maybe he'd say yes. They were heartmates, for some incredibly weird reason. But now? No, never.