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Ah… It was one of those days.
Hongjoong could not help the heavy feeling that set in his heart. He gets like this sometimes. The wall clock in his humble studio showed 10.30 pm. In his world, that’s really early and he should be getting to work composing more melodies; but he was stumped. The dreaded composer’s block. It was normal, he knew it was. Every producer, composer and lyricist in history experienced it before; EDEN, Maddox, basically all Edenary members, Bang Chan too.
It was normal and he knew it, but that didn’t stop the looming feeling that he wasn’t as good as he perceived himself to be. He probably got here through sheer good luck, and it’s finally catching up on him. He didn’t really have the skills-
“Nope. Not today,” he stood abruptly to interrupt his train of thought. He packed up his stuff and switched off the lights. He may be a workaholic, but even he knew when to turn in for the night because it was clear he wasn’t going to get anything done tonight.
He decided to walk down the stairs instead of the elevators. Maybe the exercise will help his brain out. He let his mind wander to the members waiting for him at home.
They had come to an agreement. Though they didn’t have a dating ban, it was still going to affect their team and fandom if they ever did, so of course the only other rational and final solution was to date each other. Obviously. No other choice.
He chuckled at his own joke. Obviously, there were other ways, but what do you expect? 3 gay men (Wooyoung, San and himself), 3 bisexuals (Yunho, Jongho and Mingi) and 2 pansexuals (Seonghwa and Yeosang) living together under the same roof since they were teenagers. Healthy teenage boys who were in the midst of… experiencing new things. It was bound to happen. And if nothing else, it’s made their teamwork better than they can ever imagine.
He smiles to himself as he climbs the van his manager was waiting in, impatient to get home to them. He thinks of just face planting into Yunho. How warm it was in his little (tol smol) sunshine’s arms. To get into playful banter with WooSan and their daily antics. Walking in on Mingi who would immediately try to rope him into committing arson in the practice room (he wanted to try the stage fireworks in practice). Stopping by Yeosang and Jongho to make sure they were feeling okay and to reaffirm his quiet lovers. To just collapse into bed where Seonghwa will nag at him to take a damn shower, but kiss his head when he finishes.
“Love is a powerful thing,” he remembers his mother telling him when he told her about his new lovers. “It can heal so many wounds. But can cause much worse ones if you aren’t careful, Hongjoongie,” she warns gently.
“Always remember, a good relationship doesn’t come from love. It comes from trust and respect for everyone in it.”
His home. His family. It was more than romantic. Definitely more than platonic. But love wasn’t a strong enough word to describe their bond.
He was truly grateful for his members. Truly. He let his minds drift to their reactions seeing him home for the night for the first time in… God knows how long. Usually, they part ways after practice, Hongjoong going to the studio and the rest going home; never without them trying to coax him into following along. He gets back at the ungodly hours of the early morning night, and for the members, magically reappears in the morning.
He thought about how Seonghwa would probably be the first to notice he’s back, considering all the other members try to get alone times in their own rooms. He would probably ask what he was doing back so early. And why the hell he didn’t stay to work-
“Huh?” Hongjoong shook out his own thoughts.
“What was that Joong-ah?”
“Uhm, nothing hyung.”
There was no way Seonghwa would think that, right? There’s no way any of them would think that… right?
Thinking back, he remembered the day he told the group that he was going to be composing and producing their next songs under Edenary’s guidance. Ecstatic is too weak a word to describe the sheer delight and thrill they were screaming with. Everyone was voicing their opinions and emailing him what they wanted him to include. He was smothered with a million kisses and cuddles to last a life time.
Hongjoong hopped off the van and stumbled a little. He swayed with every step towards the elevator and his mind was spinning. Would they be disappointed with how little of it he was finished with? What if they were expecting it to be finished by this week? It had been 2 months at that point and he was 3 songs away from finishing. He hadn’t even let them hear the first demos yet. Oh God… he had to do this for them. It was the only thing that could keep him there. If he didn’t have that, he was nothing.
His breathing stuttered and he stood trembling in front of the door. He tried to listen through it, but could only hear muffles. They were probably eating or something. Yeah, good. He just needs some fuel. That’ll keep his mind off things. His keys rattled as he opened the door and he heard the conversations dying down.
“I’m home!” he called, half hoping at least one of them would give him a hug or just greet him in the doorway. He was met by complete silence. “Guys?”
Brows furrowed, he ventured deeper into the apartment. He turned to the kitchen and saw all of them staring back at him as if he had grown another head. Usually, he would just ask what the looks were for, but in his current emotionally sensitive state, the looks morphed into those of mock. They didn’t want him there, did they?
“Hyung,” Jongho called out. Hongjoong snapped his attention back to his boyfriend. “You’re home early,” he remarked.
“I- Yeah.”
Hongjoong’s eyes glanced around the table. Everything was in bowls and dishes which meant that Wooyoung had cooked dinner that night. But every dish on the table, including their plates were empty and licked clean. Nothing left. Not for him. Hongjoong felt his vulnerable heart crack. Noticing his hyung’s gaze, Wooyoung tried to explain themselves.
“Ah, no hyung, you see, you never come back home for dinner nowadays so I didn’t make it for all of us straight awa-,” Ah… they don’t want me here. Hongjoong’s internal thoughts drowned out Wooyoung’s voice. He could feel his eyelids begin to sting. He looked up and mustered the best smile he could give, which was very obviously fake to the other 7 men in the room.
“Ah, don’t worry about that Youngie,” he interrupted. “I wasn’t hungry anyways.”
Wooyoung’s mouth gaped open. Everyone looked around in confusion. But to Hongjoong, it just looked like they weren’t happy with him there. He barely muttered another flimsy excuse before speed walking to his room. His ears were ringing, not able to hear the members call after him. His vision getting blurrier by the minute. He rushed into the bathroom and stripped his clothes. He turned the shower on hot.
Hongjoong stood in the shower, letting the tears flow freely, pretending that it was just the warm water that got in his eyes and flowing down his cheeks. The sob that ripped from his throat broke the dam. He slid to the floor letting the water patter his little figure. His knees were hugged close to his chest as he let out shuddered breaths, a torrent of tears accompanying each one.
He loves them unconditionally. And them him… right?
The sheer thought that they wouldn’t want him anymore if he couldn’t perform as a leader was too overbearing to him. He let out another pained sob. He didn’t even notice someone knocking on the bathroom door.
“Joong?” Seonghwa’s soft voice rang out.
It made him panic. Seonghwa can’t see him. Not like this. Not this pathetic. He cleared his throat, hoping his blocked sinuses wouldn’t be too obvious.
“Yeah?” he answered as nonchalantly as possible. He heard a pause which was probably Seonghwa trying to listen more intently. Seonghwa couldn’t possibly notice the difference through a wooden door.
“Joong why are you crying, love? What happened?” Of fucking course he did. Seonghwa’s voice growing more worried by the second. Hongjoong let out a forced chuckle.
“I don’t know what you mean, Seonghwa,” he tried to level his voice.
“That’s it. I’m coming in.”
Before he could protest, Seonghwa’s tall figure burst in, the cold outside air prickled his sensitive skin. Hongjoong felt afraid to look Seonghwa in the eyes, so he just tried to smile again hoping it would ease his tall friend.
“Stop that smile, Joong,” Seonghwa said softly. “We both know it isn’t true.”
The gentle voice of his partner somehow made him sensitive again. He hid his face as a new wave of tears washed over him. This time his body shook with a lot of little sobs. Seonghwa approached him, and sat with him under the shower.
“Hwa, stop. You’re getting wet,” he pushed against Seonghwa’s chest to try and get him away. To his surprise, Seonghwa didn’t budge one bit, he just shuffled closer.
“That’s not what’s important right now.”
Hongjoong’s cracked heart soothed at the implication. He faced away from Seonghwa, rested his head on his shoulder gently and hugged his arm; tears flowing again, slower this time. Seonghwa shifted to cradle his head in his other hand. Hongjoong turned and buried his face into Seonghwa’s neck and let the sobs wreak through his body. The whole time, Seonghwa never asked, never pushed. Just sat there, hugging Hongjoong as if he’s afraid he would disappear.
When Hongjoong felt his reservoir of tears dry up, he reached his hand up to turn off the shower. Seonghwa turned to look at him, cupping his face in his hands. The sight of Hongjoong’s red, puffy eyes broke his heart. He placed gentle butterfly kisses on both eyelids, both cheeks, his forehead. He finally kissed Hongjoong’s lips lovingly slow, not wanting the younger to jump. Hongjoong melted into the kiss with a soft sigh and moved to straddle the older. He wrapped his arms around his neck and buried his face into his shoulder.
“Let’s get you warmed and dried up, yeah?” Seonghwa asked. Hongjoong nodded but didn’t make any effort to move, making the older smile.
“Joong, can you get off me for a minute, love?” Hongjoong froze. That’s right. What was he doing? Thinking he could just-
“Hey, no. None of that,” Seonghwa pestered gently, kissing his temple. He turned Hongjoong to see his face. “No bad thoughts, alright love? I just want to stand up first so that we don’t slip and fall, okay? I’ll carry you when we step out again.”
Hongjoong nodded and crawled off. Seonghwa forced himself to think about Hongjoong only and not the position in which he was crawling. He stood up and stepped onto the mat outside. He offered his hand and helped Hongjoong out as well. He took a towel off its hook at the side and dried Hongjoong up placing little kisses at random spots. He took another smaller one and ruffled the younger’s hair with it. Hongjoong keened into the touch like a little kitten, and Seonghwa can’t help but kiss his little pixie nose.
Hongjoong finally smiled a genuine smile at that. He took the towel and helped dry Seonghwa’s hair too. He helped Seonghwa peel away the wet clothes and dried him with another towel. With the towels wrapped around their waists, Seonghwa picked Hongjoong up bridal style and exited the bathroom.
To the two men’s surprise, their other 6 boyfriends were lounging about in their bedroom when they entered. All eyes turned to them and drew the wrong conclusions.
“Hey, that’s not fair you got him first! I wanted to help,” San whined.
Hongjoong’s face turned a deep scarlet at San’s misunderstanding so he buried his face into Seonghwa’s neck. The older lightly clicked his tongue at rest.
“We didn’t do anything. Now leave first so he can get dressed. Is the food ready, Wooyoung?”
Food? Hongjoong’s stomach growled at the thought, which brought about a new sense of embarrassment and a few chuckles from his boyfriends. Wooyoung approached them both and placed a soft peck at Hongjoong’s cheek.
“What was that about not being hungry?” he teased. Hongjoong turned to glare at the boy, but was still too embarrassed so he ended up looking like an angry kitten. Wooyoung cooed at him and placed another kiss on his other cheek.
“If you didn’t so rrrrrudely interrupted me just now,” Wooyoung made a show of rolling his R’s and feigning pain, “I was going to say, yours was still marinating and that I could get it started for you,” he finished gently with a poke at Hongjoong’s cheek.
Now he just felt silly so he offered a shy smile. Cue: 7 grown men reminding themselves to stay strong and not devour their smol leader that moment. Seonghwa proceeded to usher them out, but not before each of them got to give Hongjoong little kisses. He felt his heart ease much more and kissed Seonghwa lightly before jumping down. He was pulled into another hug and reciprocated just as much.
“I know you feel better now, but we’re still going to have to talk about this, okay?” Seonghwa mumbled into his hair. Hongjoong hummed in response, accepted his fate that he wasn’t going to get out of it.
They got dressed and Hongjoong got fed. (At everybody’s protest, they took turns feeding him bites. He nearly died of embarrassment, and they all cooed at him endlessly. He patted Wooyoung’s head and kissed his hand for the delicious dinner, earning a blush and a shy smile on the younger’s face.)
All 8 of them lounged around the living room with a movie on, but it was mainly white noise. Attention was on Hongjoong as he lay on the couch cushions arranged on the floor. He forced everyone to scatter around the room and let him lie on the floor so that everything would spill.
And it did. When he was done, he didn’t try to move at all.
“It wasn’t anybody’s fault, okay?” he reaffirmed, knowing his boyfriends had a knack of blaming themselves when someone felt less loved. “It comes and goes just as fast. A small episode and I just get into it sometimes. I know all of you love me.”
A small huff escaped him as he felt a weight on his torso. Hongjoong looked down to see Mingi and Yunho’s heads on his stomach staring up into his eyes.
“You better, or we are all going to have to show you how much we love you,” Yunho pouted. Hongjoong chuckled lightly and sat up, making both Mingi and Yunho raise their heads. He pulled each giant closer to give them both forehead kisses, when he felt a small tug on his pyjama shirt.
Hongjoong turned to see Jongho fiddling his fingers, teeth worrying at his lower lip. Hongjoong smiled and shifted his body to face the youngest boy, because that usually meant he wanted to get affectionate, but couldn’t find it in him as to how. After a few seconds and a reassuring look from Hongjoong, Jongho took a deep breath and wrapped his arms around their small leader, burying his face into his neck.
Hongjoong never had favourites obviously, but there was something about Jongho when he gets all cuddly that just knocks down the "hard-ass leader" image in him. He was knocked out of trance when he felt Jongho litter his neck with light butterfly kisses, tickling him. He screeched and tried to push the younger away, only to be attacked from all directions by the others.
That night, they pulled futons and blankets onto the living room floor, everyone curling around Hongjoong warmly. The leader stared up at the ceiling, listening to the soft snores and gentle huffs of his sleeping boyfriends and reminded himself that everything was going to be alright.
Everything was going to be alright because he had them.