Work Text:
K E I J I ‘ S P O V
We're all bound to die someday, right?
It’s been a lingering thought for me these days. Everything’s been so overwhelming to take in. My mind’s loud despite my quiet nature lately.
In the midst of piling college work, spiraling emotions, and self doubt, my mind decided to scream louder making me unable to focus on anything. Making me unable to move the way I want to. Making me drained.
So what’s the point of living when we’re all going to meet our end one day? What's the point of everything I do if I'm just going to feel this way? What's the point of—
“Uhm, hello?” a hand was waving in front of me, effectively snapping me out of my reverie. I looked to see a tall, bulky dude with goldish eyes and spiky gray-white hair. What’s up with that hairstyle?
“Yes? How may I help you?” I managed to mutter out despite drowning in my thoughts that’s fortunately quieting down for now.
“May I sit here in front of you? The cafe’s packed and I couldn't find any other vacant seats.” Indeed the cafe was buzzing with students who’re either studying or just chilling.
I see no wrong in letting him sit in with me nor do I sense any negative vibes from him so I nodded. I’d probably end up ignoring him anyway since I’m working on my essay.
“What course do you study?” And I was wrong about ignoring him. I am in fact about to answer the guy.
“Bachelor of Arts in English Studies, how about you?” I said while closing my laptop. I won’t be able to finish the essay with my current frame of mind anyway. So I’ll just indulge myself with this stranger.
“I don’t study,” he smiled and God, he’s so attractive. “I chose not to study, it was never for me anyway.”
“So, do you work now?” Curiosity is getting the best of me right now. What happened to don’t talk to strangers?
“Yeah, you could say I’m in between jobs,” he takes a sip of his frappe. He ordered a chocolate frappe, quite a childish and safe flavor if you ask me, “By the way, mind telling me your name?”
“For what reason?”
“I have a feeling we’d see each other more often than not starting from today or is that too weird for you?” He pouted. He fucking pouted. It’s so childish yet cute.
“You live nearby?” I have to stop these horrible thoughts. For crying out loud, I just met the man!
“Yeah.”
“The name’s… Keiji.” My tone was hesitant but you can’t blame me! Even if he is handsome – this is irrelevant to my argument but I needed to say it – I literally just met him today.
“Why do you sound so unsure?” He chuckled and damn that sound was attractive as fuck. “My name’s Koutaro by the way.”
“Koutaro…”
“Yup, exactly my name.” On normal occasions, a person popping their p’s annoying to me but for some reason I find his… cute.
Our conversation went on and on. I've gathered that he's actually pretty stupid, loud, and easily down.
His noise was muting out the loud speakers in my mind and I may or may not have thought that he just may be the person I needed in my life.
A saving grace.
Someone to bring peace in my world that's bound to self-destruct at any given moment.
That. That meeting was the start of everything. He barged in my life and I let him. I fucking let him.
Every other day, we’d meet at the cafe where we first met. Him rambling about whatever and me doing my school work.
It was going great. We became friends. He was extremely understanding. Comforted me when my parents are pressuring me too much. Distracted me whenever I felt down. Took away the thoughts of ending it all. He was my peace.
Until the lines of platonic and romantic feelings seemed to disperse in air. I fell for him. It wasn’t hard to do so.
He forced his way in my life. Made a mess of the colors of my supposed picture perfect life and perhaps, I’m not mad at it. I’m not mad at him. I’m actually grateful and that’s what scares me the most.
However, his entrance to my life has consequences. Ever since I started talking to him, I heard whispers. Whispers from strangers we pass by. I wonder why.
I knocked 3 times on Koutaro’s door. We’re having a movie night at his place. His parents already let me inside the house and told me to go up to his room. Apparently, Koutaro likes to talk about me.
“Koutaro?” Is he asleep? I’m getting quite worried and anxious on my side of the door. I twist the door knob open to see that it was unlocked all along.
Huh. Maybe he did it on purpose so that if he was still asleep–
The moment my eyes landed on the scene inside Koutaro’s room. My heart crashed. Everything became numb once again. I couldn’t even feel the tears running down my cheeks as I looked up in the middle of the room to see Koutaro hanging. Lifeless. Not moving with a seemingly small smile that said “I'm finally free from this world.”
There was a letter.
On his study table, there was a letter.
“Keiji,
I’m sorry. This lifetime gave us the opportunity to meet. Maybe it was destiny. Maybe it wasn’t. We won’t be able to spend as much time as we wanted. I don’t know if I could say that time gave up on us because I voluntarily stopped time for myself. However, live for me. I’m sorry I left you soon. Maybe in another universe I wouldn’t leave you like this. ONce again, I’m sorry. I love you.
Sincerely,
Koutaro Bokuto.”
A woman’s scream. The sounds of glasses shattering. Sounds of hurried footsteps.
Those were the last things I heard before my senses went numb and I felt like I couldn't move.
It doesn't matter anymore. Koutaro's dead anyway.
Gasps.
It was all a dream.
It was just a dream. Thank Goodness.
I feel sweat rolling down the sides of my face and the back of my neck. I looked at my clock to see that it was only 4:55 in the morning. Almost dawn but I don’t feel like sleeping anymore. Not after that horrid dream I had. I can’t stay put. I’m becoming restless. My heart’s been beating so loud and fast ever since I woke up and I don’t think it has any plans of stopping soon.
I rolled out of my bed, took a quick shower, and tip-toed towards the outside of my house. I can’t risk waking up my parents. If they woke up, they’d lecture me about the relevance of quality sleep to being academically successful. That’s all they ever cared about anyway. My grades.
My mind’s a mess. I showered and got out of my house thinking that I should go straight to Koutaro’s house to ensure that he’s safe. That my dreams aren’t true. That he’s still here alive and well. I failed to think about the time. The sun is just about to rise. For sure both his parents are still deep in slumber. How could I even disturb their sleep and say that “Hey, sorry for bothering you. Your son committed suicide in my dreams.” It’s flat out stupid.
Still, I did not want to go back inside of my house. It was never home in the first place. It’s just somewhere I sleep every night and where I eat my meals if I’m not at school.
Whatever. I'll just stay at the riverside until the sun goes up. There's a bench I can sit on anyway.
The trip towards the riverside was surprisingly calm. The thoughts of Koutaro's suicide in my dream has subsided. I'm starting to forget bits of the dream. I'm thankful for that. At least, I'd get a little bit of peace until I see Koutaro again. For sure, I'd panic once he's in front of me, frantically checking if he was okay or not.
There was a moment of peace once I sat down by the bench next to the riverside. It was weird but I’m basking in it, taking advantage of my mind not being loud for once. The sun was slowly rising and I watched as it did. Ever since I conditioned myself to become an academic achiever, I had no time for myself. Always drowning in notes and works I needed to pass. Plus, there was pressure since I kept succeeding, my parents would expect me to keep it up. So, this is nice.
The sun was almost done rising when I heard him.
"KEIJI!" a familiar voice called out. It was then accompanied by fast and heavy footsteps with heavy breathing.
"Koutaro…" my voice was shaky. Thank heavens he's alive.
"What are you doing here?" he asked while tilting his head. He was covering the sun's rays and my face was filled with his shadow. As soon as he tilted his head, my eyes were blinded.
"I—"
Black out.
"Mr. Akaashi?"
I'm in a room. It looks like an office. I looked at the person who called my name. It was a man who had muscular arms, a broad shoulder, hazel colored eyes, and hair that resembled a rooster. He was handsome but he can't compare to Koutaro.
I was about to open my mouth and ask,, "You're at therapy, Mr. Akaashi. I am your therapist, Tetsuro Kuroo."
"I'm at…therapy?"
"Yes."
"What for?"
"Well, your parents were concerned. You were talking to someone named Koutaro. You'd laugh and talk about him too but he was never visible in your parents eyes nor was he visible to anyone's eyes but yours." Koutaro…wasn't…real?
"You mean…"
"Yes, I'm afraid it was some kind of coping mechanism your brain came up with in order to escape the pressure of having to succeed academically and be the picture perfect child."
I couldn't process much of what was happening during therapy and neither did I want to pay attention to whatever diagnosis I may have. I knew it was too good to be true.
Koutaro Bokuto was just a part of my mind after all.
END