Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

High school was easy. I blew through my freshman and sophomore years. Now it was the start of my junior year. I was already head of the basketball team, along with soccer, fencing, and tennis. I was the quarterback for our football team. It was easy. Knight training was the only thing that challenged me anymore. The education part of it was easy to learn or just things I knew already. I was 'bright for my age'. Everyone loved me. I was the reason our high school had won all championships for two straight years. Unlike other schools, we didn't split boys and girls. Financier, a freshman, has been my 'vice' since she showed up last year. She has more talent than half my teams combined. The only thing she's better at me in than is Volleyball. She's an incredible setter. She's the captain, I'm the vice for that. This year, her best friend, Clotted Cream is here. He's a freshman. He's super smart. The future Consul, my aunts say. Financier is going to be his knight. Right now, we're practicing in the gym. It's before school. The coach permits me to practice in the morning. She holds her rapier a bit wrong, making it easy for me to defend and attack. Clotted Cream is playing on his phone in the bleachers. It's about a week into school. There's a knock on the door, then the sound of it opening.

"Hello." An accent. A foreign student? I motion for Financier to pause. I turn towards the voice, my fencing helmet partly obstructing my vision. Financier has taken off her helmet and walks towards the kid. He's tall, but not knight-tall. What really throws me off is his skin. It's dark. It reminds me of the pictures I've seen of King Dark Cacao. Could he be from the Cacao kingdom? It would explain the accent. "I was told I could find Vanilla here? Vanilla Madeleine?" I smile. Perfect. A new student. Shouldn't be hard to woo him. Financier turns to me. I take off my helmet, making sure to smile at him. How could anyone resist this amount of charm? "I presume you're them, then?" He says walking toward me. He offers a hand. "Espresso. I was told you were going to give me a tour of the campus. You are excused from your first three classes." I take his hand.

"It's just Madeleine. May I finish my match?" Being polite makes it so easy to make people like you. The cookie nods then walks over to the bleachers and sits down. "Clotted Cream, what are we at?"

"Financier has three, you have four." He shouts. "Match point!" I turn back to Financier. We salute each other. "En garde!" Clotted Cream yells. We pull our masks on, then get into position. "Ready?" We both nod. "Fence!" The match commences. Financier's blade quivers slightly at one of my lunges after she parries. I take the opportunity to lunge again and hit. "Halt!" I smile, removing my rapier from her armor. "Madeleine gets the point. He wins." Financier sighs, taking off her helmet.

"I'm going to go get changed." I nod. Clotted Cream follows her. I assume they'll go get some breakfast after this. The dark cookie turns towards me. Espresso, right? He stands up but doesn't take his things. He grabs Financier's discarded rapier and swishes it around. He gets into the position for fencing and I shrug. Why not? I get into position, not bothering with putting my helmet back on. He lunges forward and I parry. That was good. He has a strong grip on the sword. I lunge, which earns a parry. Several attacks fail, him dodging or parrying each of them. He lunges for one side, and I prepare to parry. At the last second, however, he switches and hits another area. I'm shocked.

"That's a point for me." He says with a small smile. "Come on. I need that tour." I nod. He follows me into the locker room. I show him where to put the gear and he takes them. He doesn't look at me while I'm changing, just takes the gear as I take it off. I'm sure he blushes after he gets a glimpse of my chest. I mean, who wouldn't? I smile at him when he turns back around. His expression remains neutral. "Tour?" Right.

"Of course. This way." I lead him out of the locker room and into the hallway. I lead him the opposite way of the gym, where people are starting to file in. I nod to a couple of girls, which makes a few blush and giggle. So easy to woo, girls. The others, not so much. Boys saw me as competition. Eventually, my charm got to them, as it did with everyone else. It's hard to resist me, after all. The cookie seems distant by the time we make it to the rotunda. He seems like he'll be a hard case to crack. But eventually, he'll cave, just like everyone else. I am a Madeleine after all. No one can resist a Madeleine.

---

How annoying. He sort of pissed me off. His fencing was good, although he needed to improve his defense. That girl wasn't too bad either. Their high school was big. The entirety of my old middle school could fit into the entire freshman body here. That boy, Madeleine, was so full of himself. You could instantly tell. Well, I could. I've spent half my life studying people. Quite easy when you have little to no friends and no intention of making any. Cookies tended to avoid me back in the Cacao kingdom. It was mainly due to my aura, a natural energy that flows around everyone. You can feel it when you're near someone and I tend to make mine as intimidating and hostile as possible. It's easy to manipulate aura once you know what it is. Madeleine had a protective layer of extremely strong light magic aura surrounding him. Even without my magic eye, I could see it. Light magic repels dark magic as much as dark magic repels light. My hair was styled in front of my scar today. I didn't want cookies to freak out. However, it did make me more intimidating. I'll make sure to wear my hair out of my eyes tomorrow. It was lunch. My classes were fairly easy. I expected more of a challenge. That's what I moved here for, after all. But I suppose it is only the beginning of the year.

"Hey! New kid!" Rats. I turn towards the voice to find Madeleine. His long hair is tied into a loose ponytail. Must have just gotten back from gym. Judging by the mountainous amount of food he has stacked onto his tray, I'd say yes. "Come sit!" I sigh. Might as well. I sit beside another Vanilla cookie. He was at the gym this morning. He's sitting across from the girl, who sits next to Madeleine. "So, how are you enjoying your first day?" He asks. He's fake smiling. He clearly doesn't care. He's just trying to make me like him. Stroke his ego. I don't answer him. Instead, I pull out my lunch bag, which consists of a pastry and a coffee cup, which I quickly empty and fill back up, using my magic. The boy beside me stares at it curiously.

"It's my magic. I'm a coffee cookie." He looks up at me and nods, then turns back to his food. I turn to Madeleine. "You know, the way you style your hair is quite unflattering." He almost spits out his drink. "The way it just goes straight down. It doesn't frame your face well. Try making it wavy." Madeleine nods and mumbles a thank you. The boy and girl are looking at me in disbelief. I can't believe I surrounded myself with Vanilla cookies.

"Wow. I did not expect that, dude." I shrug. The boy offers a hand. "Clotted Cream of house Custard." House Custard? Right. I forgot they have houses that run this place. "That's Financier. She's also from Custard." I nod. She gives me a soft smile. A real smile. I like her. She has a kind aura. "So, what's your name? And where are you from? Tell us stories." Couldn't hurt. He seems interesting.

"My name is Espresso. I moved here for the education." The boys are silent.

"So, Espresso." I turn my attention to Financier, the girl I thought was nice. "I'm curious what your electives are. What year are you in?" Finally. A question worth answering. "Madeleine is in Junior, I'm in my Sophomore, and Clotted is in his Freshman."

"I'm in freshman year, but I'm taking a mix between Sophomore, Junior, and Freshman classes. It's what I came here for." I take a bite of my pastry and see they are all still looking at me. Oh. They're expecting an explanation. "In the Cacao kingdom, the education isn't as advanced as it is here. I was permitted to study here in the Republic so that I would be actually challenged. Although, I can't say I have been." Clotted Cream and Madeleine smile, both extremely fake. Future politicians, those two.

"The classes here don't tend to be extremely challenging. Just some are. I would recommend AP and dual credit classes." Madeleine says. As if I didn't know that already. The only class I have that isn't AP is Theatre. I have a heart for the stage. So many people staring at you is terrifying, but you get to pretend to be someone else. They aren't looking at you. They're looking at JD or Evan Hanson or Jeremy Heere. It's easy to get lost in characters. You don't have to be yourself.

"I've always wondered what it's like in the Cacao kingdom. We don't get a lot of snow here in the Republic." I smile. Financier isn't afraid to say what she thinks and feel what she feels. However, she doesn't allow emotion to control her. She's a smart individual. She'll go very far.

"It's just gorgeous." I say. "The summers never get over 80 degrees Fahrenheit and the winters are beautifully cold. The snow is amazing. And the architecture is just beautiful. The purple always makes everything pop." She smiles back at me. Clotted Cream seems to be getting more uncomfortable the more we talk. Jealousy? Oh. He thinks I like her. The jokes on him, I don't even like women. The bell rings. Next classes. I better get going.

"Bye Espresso! I'll see you in sixth!" Financier says as I leave. How wonderful. I do believe I'll make sure to interact with her more often. She seems brilliant. Madeleine and the other one, on the other hand, I'll have to avoid like the plague. Oh well, at least I've made a friend.

Chapter Text

Financier invited me to join her after school. She wanted to hang out. I agreed. I wouldn't have if she had told me it would be with this oaf. "So, Espresso, where did you move here from?"

"Parfaedia." The lie slips before I even think about it. Probably for the best. If I tell them I grew up in the Cacao kingdom, then they might find out about the Uncle Affogato thing. That would definitely cause some problems. We're at the Madeleine Manor, a house belonging to Powdered Sugar Madeleine, Vanilla's mother. Apparently, all of them go by Madeleine except at their Manor, where they go by their first name or relation. Strangely enough, it seems as if that's normal here. Clotted Cream doesn't go by Custard because it isn't in his name and Financier doesn't because she isn't originally from the house. Currently, we're in a training room for the knights and paladins of the Madeleine house. Vanilla Madeleine and Financier are attempting to show Clotted Cream how to hold a sword correctly. They were failing, but at least it let me look around. My current fascination was a sword. It had to be around my height. 5'10, perhaps? It sparkled with light magic. It was mainly white with gold accents. There were blue stones that looked like soul stones engraved into the handle. Vanilla Madeleine seems to notice me staring and walks over to me.

"The Sword of Radiant Light." He says, smiling. "It's been in my family for years." I nod. An artifact. Given the age of the Creme Republic, I would say his family was originally Vanilla. Where the sword is from, given the way it's built, I would say is also Vanilla. "The blue stones hold the power of all of the soulstones of the paladins in my family. Which is basically everyone." He laughs at that. "I'm following in the footsteps of my dad." I nod, despite that I don't care. I attempt to touch the sword, but Madeleine pulls my hand back. "Only those worthy can touch it. I don't want you to be burned." I grimace. Playing the hero, hm? Fine.

"I'm experienced in being burned." I smile in the most pissed-off way I can. He seems a bit shocked by my expression, but quickly fixes it. I reach for the sword's handle and it doesn't burn me. I pick it up off it's mount and hold it, placing the tip on the floor. "How surprising. It doesn't burn." I say sarcastically. Vanilla opens and closes his mouth in shock. A woman walks in. His auntie, I believe? He doesn't seem to have any men in his house. Even the servants are all women. Strange for such a narcissistic prick. You'd think he'd be well-mannered. Granted, you'd think I would be a prick given I was raised by mostly men, besides Caramel.

"Darling, I'm afraid your coffee friend will have to leave." Only me? Perhaps because of the house democracy? "He's a bad look for the house. I mean, if we let any cookie in here, what do you think they'd think of it?" She laughs, but Vanilla doesn't. "Vanilla, don't get angry. You know we don't mind, but the Sablé house is set in their ways." Vanilla sighs. He seems as if he's about to argue, but I speak up before he can.q

"I know to leave when I'm not wanted. I will see you tomorrow, Financier." She smiles and nods. I ignore the other two and push past the woman. How annoying. I navigate through the mansion. Needless space meant to fill an ego. At least King Dark Cacao had reason. He had knights and watchers he trained and mages he taught. He needed the space. They don't seem like they have any more than 5 actual Madeleines here. Finally, I make it to the back gate. I should probably walk home. I reach for my phone only to find my pocket is empty. How wonderful. I must have left it inside. No matter. I'm sure Vanilla will return it to me tomorrow. I begin the walk back to my house. Bright mansions turn smaller and darker the farther I walk. Eventually, I get to the bad side of the Republic. I do not need a large house, and this has cheap rent.

I pull my key out of my pocket and unlock the house. I put my backpack on a chair and grab my homework. I finish it in a matter of minutes. How simple. The urge has been building again. Might as well. I walk to the bathroom, where bandages are already laid out. I roll up my sleeves, exposing the pink bandages I put on yesterday. I remove them. The cuts from the night before are still visible, but they seem to have healed a bit. The urge builds a lot at the sight of them. I grab a razor blade from the sink counter and begin my routine. It's a bit early, but no matter. I'll just do it later tomorrow. I begin on one of the cuts, cutting the dried blood, and opening the wound again. I only do surface-level. I know the consequences of going too deep.

Would it truly be a consequence? Isn't it what I want? It is. I press deeper into the cut. It feels better. I do that too a different cut and sigh happily. The pressure lifts the deeper I go. Three cuts are bleeding profusely before I stop. The pressure is non-existent now. I grab the bandages and wash off my arm. I bandage my arm and pull down my sleeves. I make a simple meat and cheese sandwich for dinner and put something random on the TV. My cuts sting. I'll have to change the bandages before I turn in. I eat the sandwich and throw away the paper towel. I walk to the bathroom and roll up my sleeve. Bright red. That's not good. I take off the bandages to find the three cuts bleeding like I've never seen before. I run water over the cuts, but they continue to bleed. I grab some gauze from my cabinet and put it over each cut. The gauze turns red in a matter of seconds. No. No. No. No. No. I put more gauze on them. I replace them each time it turns dark red. Until it doesn't anymore. It's red. Then pink. My panic subsides. Was it panic? It felt more like adrenaline. It felt amazing. I wrap the cuts back up and the bandages turn light pink. Good. I walk into my room and change into my pajamas. My head hits the pillow and I'm out.

Chapter Text

Espresso left his phone at my mansion. He didn't come back for it, which is probably good. Racism is quite common here against the Cacao kingdom. It's why they aren't as common. Clotted has vowed to change that, but it will be years before he's Consul. I'm waiting outside for Espresso so I can hand him his phone back. What kind of a Madeleine would I be if I didn't? I also brought him a cup of coffee. I wasnt sure what he would want, so I got him a Latte. Personally, I can't stand coffee. But if it's for someone else, I'll gladly get it. It's the right thing to do, after all. And it gets on the good side of cookies. I spot his dark hair on the sidewalk. Does he walk to school. He's annoyed about something. I run over to him and smile. His eyes burn holes into my head, but I don't change my expression.

"Morning, Espresso! You left your phone at my house yesterday. I decided to charge it for you." I take his phone out of my pocket and hand it to him. He stuffs it in his pocket, mumbling a thanks. He heads inside and I follow him. We both have the same first period, so I walk with him. He seems to enjoy the silence, so I keep it, even if it bugs me that we aren't talking.

"Hey! Madeleine! Heading to math?" Cream Cheese. He's one of my best linebackers. He's also one of the most annoying cookies I've ever met. He jogs up and starts walking beside Espresso and I. How annoying. I plaster on the most obvious fake smile I can. However, Cream Cheese being the dunce he is, doesn't catch on. "Who's your friend?" He says with a grimace.

"Frankly, it's none of your business. Vanilla, we should be heading to our science class, yes?" I nod and we both hurriedly walk towards Professor Banana Muffin's class. Espresso sighs. "Divine. And I thought you were annoying." I laugh at that. Really laugh. "Wow. Something not fake and plastic coming from you. How strange. I'm proud of you, Vanilla." I don't bother correcting him. I'm fine with him calling me Vanilla. It's nice. He walks into the class, leaving me outside, blush dusting my cheeks. I've never felt this way before. I'll think about it later. I walk into the class to start a long day.

---

I don't know who that cookie was, but I hope he never interacts with me again. Walking with Vanilla was nice, but the pressure is back. It's building faster than it would normally. I don't have a blade on me, but I'm sure I could break my pencil sharpener. I don't want it to come to that. I scratch at my hands, causing red streaks to line them. Vanilla gives me a questioning glance. I shrug and cover my palms. If I left now, wouldn't it go away? Just one cut. The urge and pressure builds until it consumes all my thoughts. A splitting sound pierces my thoughts. The bell. I grab my stuff and hurry out of the classroom. Vanilla catches up with me quite quickly. Damn his long legs.

"Hey. Are you okay? You seem nervous." I can't give him an answer. I need to get to the bathroom. I rush off and he shouts after me. I run to the boys bathroom and open my backpack, quickly breaking the plastic pencil sharpener. I roll up my opposite sleeve and tear off the bandages and sink the blade into my arm. Instead of the normal relief, however, its followed by a building of the pressure. No. Please. I cut deeper, but it doesn't stop. The pressure just builds and builds. There are red lines covering my arm but I don't stop. Please. I just need relief. I cut until I can't anymore on that arm. I switch to the other but it doesn't help. The pressure just keeps building. It's giving me a headache. I feel dazed. There's blood on the floor. So much blood. I lean on the counter, still holding my blade. I don't have bandages. Why did I do this? I'm going to die here. Good. Who would care if a worthless mage like me died right here. Someone shouts. Vanilla.

"Espresso, I'm getting you to the nurse!" I shake my head,pushing him back. My headache numbs my senses. I'm still holding my blade. Maybe one more. As I reach to cut, Vanilla grabs the blade, cutting himself in the process. "No. You're not doing that. Come on. You're bleeding out." He picks me up bridal style and runs. I give up on fighting. It will just put more blood on the pretty, white shirt he's wearing. He's quite fast. He kicks open the door to the nurse and sets me on my feet. I glance at my arms. They look like Hollyberry cookie's hair. Not good. The nurse and Vanilla are talking fast and I'm zoning out. My cuts really hurt. Alot more than they normally do. The nurse takes me over to a sink and washes my cuts.

"Are you feeling okay, honey? Is there anything I could get you?" She says. I shake my head no. "Alright, keep your arms underneath the water." She walks away, I assume to grab some bandages. Divine, I feel bad for Vanilla. I wouldn't want anyone to see that kind of shitshow. I get really messed up when I start cutting. I mean, the guy has only known me for two days and he's already seen me at my lowest. The nurse walks back in and she does the same thing I did last night. Gauze, red gauze, replace. I watch her continue the pattern until it's a pink. Wow. I didn't realize how much cutting I did. There's still pressure in my head, but, given the adrenaline rush, it's waned. I need to find a better outlet. I cant go through this cycle again. Pressure builds, cut my arms, repeat. It's not good. I mean, it used to be monthly. Then twice a month. Then weekly. Then daily. Now it only took around twelve hours. It's getting harder to satisfy my urges. I could just... End it. All of it.

"Espresso? Want me to walk you to class?" I glance up at the blonde boy. That's all he really is. A boy. Sure, he's annoying and a narcissistic prick, but at the end of the day, he's nothing more than a kid. A pampered kid, but a kid, nonetheless. I nod. He offers a hand that I take. We leave the nurses office and head to the bathroom to grab my backpack. He seems uncomfortable in the silence. "Sorry if this is too nosy, but why were you doing that? I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to harm their body. Especially one as beautiful as yours." He says suddenly. He blushes at the beautiful part. How do I even explain it. It's not like I want to kill myself. I just believe that's what I deserve. I'm not perfect. Who would want someone who isn't perfect? How do I explain the pressure? I pause in the middle of the hallway.

"Have you ever been underwater upside-down?" Vanilla nods. "It's like that. Pressure builds and builds until you just can't take it anymore. You have to come up for air." He nods. "I have to cut. I feel like I'll explode if I don't. It makes it so I cant even think sometimes." He nods in understanding. I begin to walk again and he follows. We make it to the bathroom and I grab my backpack. A guy is staring at the large puddle of blood on the floor. "Don't worry. That came from my arms. No one was murdered." He looks up and I show him my bandages. He gulps. I leave without another word. Vanilla- Madeleine. He prefers Madeleine. Madeleine walks to our next class. The teacher glares at Madeleine.

"Vanilla Madeleine. Where were you." He turns to me. I put on the most obvious fake smile I can.

"Well, Professor Cherry Crepe, you see, I was having a mental breakdown and cutting myself mindlessly in the bathroom. Vanilla here probably saved my life." She stands there shocked for a moment. "I would assume you would excuse both of our absences." She nods. The bell rings right at that moment. Madeleine grabs his backpack and we walk out.

"You know, if you ever need relief from that pressure, if I can help, let me know." I nod. We go our separate ways, since we each have different classes. Maybe I will have to talk with him more.

Chapter Text

Madeleine was nicer than I'd like to admit. It's been about a week since he found me in the bathroom and for some reason, he won't leave me alone. Normally, I would find the behavior annoying, but it feels different. Endearing, almost. His schedule was changed to the same as mine, besides when I go to a magical theory class and he has his athletic/knight training. Almost the entire school knows about the incident now. It's quite frustrating. Everyone is walking on eggshells around me just because of one breakdown. It was lunchtime and Madeleine had brought me food. The Creme Republic is a lot hotter than the Cacao Kingdom. Even so, I refuse to wear anything that shows more skin than my black pants and a brown collared shirt. Here, it's not out of the dress code to not have your shirt buttoned and women don't have to wear a shirt. I don't get wanting to show that much skin, but I suppose mystery is my brand. If you show more, you give more away. In the words of Almond, it's better to leave things to the imagination than to have it all out. I miss him. He's no doubt at the police academy currently. I hope he gets to be the detective he always wanted to be. Just like his mom. Well, one of his moms. Madeleine taps my shoulder and I turn towards him.

"What are you thinking about." Two wrappers are placed in our trash bag. I swear, he can eat like he hasn't eaten in weeks. I don't understand it. I shrug and turn back to the lawn, which faces the football field. Some boys are practicing. "How have you been with, you know, that." I hand him my phone. From the one time I told him my passcode, he memorized it. I click the app he had me download and a bright smile appears on his features. I catch myself midsmile. Damn his contagious happiness. "That's good." He hands me back my phone. If there's one thing about Madeleine that's good, it's his respect for others' privacy. I'm starting to think, underneath the inflated ego, of course, is a genuinely good person. That's saying something considering the nobles I've had the displeasure of running into. Miyagi, an oyster kid, tripped me on purpose. I later made sure to give him a nice bloody nose to go with his bruised face. Cheesecake, a noble from a house that's not on the council of elders, tried to kiss me. He's now too scared to even go near me. I giggle at the thought of him cowering after I burned his face. Madeleine smiles at me. "You look beautiful." I roll my eyes.

"Thanks." I say. The bell rings. I should be going. Well, we should be going. Madeleine grabs our trash bag and throws it away. I begin to walk towards the school. I'm sure he'll catch up. He always does. However, I stop before I get to the double doors to await the vanilla cookie. He catches up quickly.

"Hey, Essy." A stupid name he's given me. And yet, I don't have the heart to correct him. "Can we go to your home today? My mom doesn't want me home, but Clotted and Financier have a date today." I nod. Shouldn't be a problem. We're almost to class, but I have to pause outside the door. My head is hurting. It's only slightly, but still. Madeleine pauses with me. "Are you feeling well? Is something wrong?" I shake my head. "We can skip class." Willing to skip class for me like a lovesick fool? How dreadful. I walk inside the class with a worried Madeleine behind me.

While I was attempting to read and listen to the class, Madeleine was constantly asking if I was okay. To make matters worse, this damn headache hasn't gone away. In fact, it's just gotten worse. The final bell for 8th period rings and I rush out of class. Madeleine is quick on my trail, but it doesn't bother me. I'm at the front gate before I have to stop. I lean against the wall and hold my head. Damn this.

"Espresso? What's wrong?" I glare at him and point to my head. "Right. Apologies. Should've been obvious. Can you direct me to your home?" I nod. He holds onto my arm and we begin to walk. My vision is blurring with the pain. What in Divine's name is going on? Madeleine glances around curiously as we enter the bad side of town. "I've never been here before." If I felt I had the strength, I would roll my eyes. Of course you haven't, you pampered dick. We are in front of my house and I grab my keys. Madeleine unlocks my house and frowns when he sees the inside. I stumble over to the kitchen and grab the opioids I was prescribed off the counter, which sits next to my antidepressants. I have several other medications, but they're in my room, hidden in a drawer. I've already taken two opioid pills today, but who cares. I grab two more and swallow them dry. The headache doesn't immediately subside like I want it to. Maybe I should take two more. Before that, however, I should start my coffee. I turn on the coffee maker and it begins boiling. This is taking forever. I need to do my homework. I walk over to where I had slung off my backpack moments earlier and grab my homework. Madeleine seems disappointed in my living quarters. I put my homework on the counter for later and walk back over to the coffee, which is just finishing. I grab it and pour some into a cup I used earlier today. The headache subsides immediately. Perhaps I just needed coffee. Madeleine grabs a pill container off the counter. "Opioids? Espresso, what are these for?" I attempt to take the pill container from the knight-in-training but to no avail.

"None of your business. I need them. That's all you need to know." Madeleine frowns at that. Does he seriously- "Do you seriously think that I am addicted to those?" He gives me a knowing look. The nerve of this oaf! "Get out, Madeleine." The blonde boy's eyes turn from tough to heartbroken. "Get out of my house. If you can't trust me and my judgment, you need to get out." Without another word, he grabs his backpack and leaves. Honestly. Addicted to pills! The nerve!

Chapter Text

I avoided Madeleine for the entirety of the next few weeks. Any advance to talk to me was quickly ignored by a quickened pace or a glare. We were currently in Social Studies, my last period, and Madeleine was trying desperately to get my attention. I was attempting to take notes, but my damn eye kept twitching and my hand wouldn't stop shaking. It made it incredibly hard to write. It just agitated me more and more. I just want to throw my pencil across the room and almost do until my shoulder throbs with pain. I grab it and hiss out a curse.

"Sorry. I just pushed your arm." Madeleine whispers beside me. I glare at him and turn back to the teacher. Great. Now my damn shoulder hurts. I'll need to take another pill. How many have I had today? 6? Whatever. It's fine. 7 won't hurt. The bell rings and my neck jerks slightly. I rub it so it doesn't cause any more pain to my aching body. I stand to leave, but Madeleine blocks my way. "You'll have to talk to me eventually, you know."

"Get out of my way, Vanilla." I mock his name and he looks hurt. I roll my eyes and push him out of the way. He grabs my wrist harshly and I yank it away, silencing a groan. What is up with my pain tolerance lately? I leave the classroom quickly, but Madeleine catches up to me immediately.

"Espresso, please. I just want to talk." I ignore him and stop at my locker to grab some of my books. The rest I can leave here for tomorrow. I open the small bag that contains my pills and take out two of the pain ones, swallowing them dry. Madeleine stares at me while I do and then grabs the bottle. I roll my eyes, but don't take it back. It's empty anyway. He can have the bottle. I place the small bag into my backpack along with some of my magical research books and then close my locker. Madeleine is staring, blank-faced at the label of the bottle.

"Espresso." I sigh. "How many have you taken of these today?" I roll my eyes. This again?

"8 or 9 with the two I just took, why?" Madeleine glances up at me in terror. "What?"

"You're supposed to take half a pill! What are you doing taking 8 or 9! That's more than 5 times the amount!" I sigh and grab the bottle from his hands.

"It stopped working, so I had to take more." I hiss. I storm off, but Madeleine is close behind. Damn him. I make it outside, but he grabs me by the arm and takes me to a car, pushing me inside. "What the hell!" I scream at him. He gets in beside me and the car starts driving. "Did you just fucking kidnap me, you ass?" Madeleine seems too anxious to answer me. "You self-righteous prick, where in Divine's name are we going!"

"To the damn hospital, Espresso." Madeleine finally snaps back. "I've seen someone overdose on opioids before, I'm not letting you do it too!" He turns back to the front and I'm left in stunned silence. Overdose? Why would I overdose? I don't feel the need to kill myself anymore. Well, most of the time. We do end up at the local hospital and all I'm thinking about is whether or not I'm going to be able to afford this. Madeleine takes me to the front and talks to the lady, who immediately rushes us both to the back. She takes a blood sample and leaves. I glare at Madeleine who refuses to look me in the eyes. He's picking at the skin on his hands. Interesting anxious stim. How many others does he have? I study him intently. He keeps twirling a shorter strand of hair with his fingers. He taps his foot lightly on the ground. How cute. I smile softly at his little mannerisms. Strangely enough, I do a lot of those as well. The woman comes back with a syringe and I panic. Not needles. No needles. I scramble back, but Madeleine stops me. How much pain is he going to put me through? How much trauma am I going to put him through? Divine, it's been, what? Two months now? I would have laughed, had the woman not been so close to me with that damn needle.

"Stay calm." She instructs. Yeah right. I sit up quickly, but my head starts to spin. Suddenly, I'm very tired. I have to stay awake, but I don't think I can. The world spins as I attempt to steady myself against something, or someone. Someone holds my shoulders and pushes me away from the wall- person? I'm leaning against it. Madeleine seems to be shouting at me. I can't hear him. There's a sharp prick in my arm, but I don't have the strength to move it away. I can't keep my eyes open anymore. I close them and I can feel myself fall. And then I feel nothing.

Chapter Text

Espresso never fails to freak me out, that's for sure. First the bloody breakdown. Now this? He passed out after the nurse gave him the Naloxone. His levels were stable and he wasn't at risk of dying anymore, which was good. The doctor canceled his prescription for the opioids, instead prescribing a non-addictive pain medicine. I was alone in the hospital room, anxiously tapping my foot against the ground. Espresso was asleep beside me, the only company in the plain white room. As much as I love blue and yellow, white has always freaked me out. It's blank and bland. Most of my nightmares are filled with white rooms with white doors leading to more rooms. I know I can escape. I just never do. I always wake up before I can, and start right where I left off when I have another nightmare. Espresso's breath is steady but empty of life. Merely a function to keep him alive. It's nothing like the labored breath he had when we used to duel or the short, quick ones he takes when he can't stop laughing. I push his hair out of his eyes and almost scream. A large burn scar covers the eye he normally hides. It looks fresh. Far too fresh. I'll need to ask him about it when he wakes up, though I doubt I'll get a straight answer. The door opens and in steps the doctor. Doctor Crepe or something? I wasn't paying attention.

"Vanilla Madeleine, correct? You're the patient's boyfriend?" I attempt to correct him, but no words come out. I'm tired. The adrenaline that was rushing through me from Espresso almost dying has dissipated, leaving me exhausted and anxious. "Well, no worries. He's stable and he'll be fine. And don't worry about the scar. It's an old magic injury, but it's perfectly healed now." I glance back at the sleeping coffee cookie. His breathing is uneven.

"Espresso, if you're awake, you should just open your eyes." He opens one eye, the one not injured, and frowns. "Your breathing wasn't steady anymore." The doctor gives a small laugh.

"I'll leave you two alone." He leaves with that and Espresso sits up against the bed. He groans at his motion.

"Ugh. Everything hurts." I nod, smiling a small amount. He glances guiltily at me. "Madeleine, I'm sorry." I tilt my head, confusion in my eyes. "I treated you like shit, even though you were right." I smile softly as he refuses to meet my eye.

"It doesn't matter that I was right, Ess. It matters that you're better." He gives me a playful glare.

"Now that's some self-righteous shit right there." I laugh. At least he's back to normal. "I want to make a pact with you." I lean forward in my seat, causing some of my hair to fall over my shoulder. "I won't take any drugs and I won't be rude to you past the extent I know you can handle it and in exchange, you have to be my friend and take care of me." I smile and roll my eyes while Espresso laughs. He has to catch his breath before he moves on. "Will you be my knight in shining armor, Madeleine?" I can't stop myself from laughing then.

"Depends. Will you be my damsel in distress?" Espresso covers his mouth to hide a laugh and nods. "Then yes. I will be your knight, Princess Espresso." He starts giggling and I join him. I'm glad we're back to being friends. Even if I wish we were something more.

-----

It takes another night before the hospital discharges Espresso. They have to make sure he's mentally healthy enough, given they found bloody bandages on his arms. I spend the night there, sleeping in the chair beside his bed. When we leave, he tries to push me off, but I refuse to leave his side. Eventually, he agrees to go to my house. Mother greets me at the door and glances curiously at Espresso. "Is this that boy you've been talking about?" I nod while Espresso gives me a grin.

"Aww. Maddie, you talk about me to your mommy?" I almost slap him for the comment, but don't. I don't want to hurt him. Yet.

"Yes." I say. I turn back to a smiling mother and roll my eyes. "Mom, we're going to be upstairs, if you don't mind." She shrugs.

"You know my rules, sunshine." I nod and leave the entrance of the mansion. Espresso follows me to my large room which is halfway across the mansion without a word. Once we finally settle, he gives me a confused look.

"What's her rules?"

"Can't make-out with people she knows I'm not dating, can't blast music, and can't run around or stomp because my room is right above her office." He gives a little giggle and I roll my eyes.

"I should be getting home, you know." I give him a sarcastic smile.

"You think I'm going to let you live alone after both of your incidents?" Espresso rolls his eyes. "I'm serious, Ess. You've lied to me multiple times, both with the pills and being clean- I can't trust you to be alone anymore!" Espresso looks offended, and not in the joking offended.

"You think I can't take care of myself?"

"Yes, if the past few weeks have been anything to go by!" Espresso huffs and turns away from me. I take his hand in my own, but he still doesn't turn toward me. "Espresso, I swear on my life and the Divine I will protect you." I can feel him heat up and I smile. "You have to promise that there will be no more secrets between us. Deal?" Espresso nods. I pull him into a hug and feel he heats up more. It's a bit past what I'm comfortable with, but this is worth it. He hugs me back and buries his face in my clothes so I can't see his probably flustered face.

"You're a self-righteous prick, you know that?" I laugh at the muffled words.

"You love me." Espresso's body shakes with laughter.

"Maybe I do." I turn bright red right as he pulls away. He falls back laughing on the bed and I roll my eyes. What a dumbass.

Chapter Text

Espresso was amazing. While I did let him live in a different house, it was one on the better side of town. One where he's not as likely to get robbed like he did on the way to school before the overdose incident. It's been a month or two now that we've been dating. He'll stay at my house occasionally, but will never spend the night, strangely enough.

He's missing from school again today. He's already missed two days last week. Anytime I question him about it, he never gives me a straight answer. Always something vague, like how he didn't feel like coming to school or that he had to catch up on homework. We were reading silently. I was previously invested in my book about two knights falling in love, but I was pulled away from my story. Those love stories always get me. I've never known why.

"Madeleine." Mrs. Apple Pie directs my thoughts back to her. "I understand you and Espresso have been dating for quite some time now?" I nod. "Do you happen to know where he is? He's been missing a lot of school, you know." I shrug.

"Sorry, Mrs. I couldn't tell you. He never gives me a straight answer about this stuff. I'm sure he's sick or something." She gives me an understanding smile.

"Well, would you drop this off at his house then? Let me know if he's better, alright." I take the paper she hands me with a smile. The bell rings and I go to collect my things. When I leave the room, I spot two familiar faces, walking side-by-side, holding hands. I think about disturbing Financier and Clotted, but think better of it. We hang out. No need to interrupt their couple time. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Espresso. I rush over to him, since we have the same last period. He seems a little out of it, plus he's wearing a hoodie when it's 85 degrees outside.

"Hey Essy." He glances up at me with tired eyes. When he sees me, a soft smile appears on his face.

"Hey Maddie." His voice is scratchy. Was he crying? I take his hand and lead him to our next class. He glances around mindlessly, cloudy eyes not taking an ounce of information in. His hair is messy. Why did he even come to school?

We get into our seats just as the bell rings. During the lesson, I have to make sure he's awake multiple times. His head slips down on the hand holding it up. I flick his head, which earns annoyed look from Espresso.

"Stop nodding off." I hiss at him. The teacher gives me a look before she continues. Espresso gives me an eye roll and turns back to the teacher. Not even two seconds later, his eyes are closed. I sigh and hit him on the arm. He gives me a glare, but doesn't say anything. The entire period is a constant battle between paying attention, looking at Espresso, and waking him up. After what feels like forever, the bell rings. Espresso seems surprised by it and packs up his things slowly. I wait impatiently beside him. I won't ask him all my questions here. I can wait until we get to my house. After what feels like an hour, he finally packs all his stuff up. I grab his hand roughly, which earns slight resistance from my boyfriend, but he follows my lead. I give instructions to the driver of the car mother sent today, but otherwise don't pay any attention to her. Espresso is silent the entire ride, as am I. When we reach my house, I grab both backpacks and hurredly walk inside. Espresso is following me ever so slowly. One of my aunties gives me a confused look, but doesn't ask me anything. When we reach my bedroom, I set the backpacks down and watch as Espresso lays down on the bed and pulls out his phone. I grab the device out of his hands, stuffing it in my own pocket.

"What the hell, Maddie! I was using that!" Espresso seems actually awake this time. I roll my eyes at his overreaction. He pushes himself up as I sit down.

"What's going on with you." Espresso tilts his head in confusion. "Espresso, I love you and all, but something is wrong. You've missed so much school for seemingly no reason and you haven't told me anything. I thought we said there would be no more secrets between us."

"There aren't any secrets, Maddie. I'm fine. Nothing is wrong." Espresso is getting more frustrated by the minute. He's fidgeting with his hands like he's nervous, which he probably is.

"Then you can give me a reason why you've been missing so much school?" Espresso stares at the ground. "Don't make up an excuse. Tell me the truth." Espresso stares at me for a bit, the room filled with silence. Who ever knew silence could be so suffocating. He mumbles something and I lean closer.

"You'll hate me." He whispers. "I thought I was fine with being alone before, but I can't do it again. I can't lose you because of a stupid mistake like this." He was hiding something from me. I should be angry, but something about his face. He looks scared. He shouldn't be scared, especially if it's scared of me.

I open my arms for a hug, but Espresso hesitates. "Essy, come on." With no hesitation, he tackles me against the bed, wrapping his arms around me. I return the hug with as much fervor as he gave me. My shirt becomes wet with his tears, but it doesn't bother me. I don't sit up or move; I just allow him to cry. The teardrops seem to stop after a moment.

"Thanks." I hear him whisper quietly. In response, I hug him tighter. Espresso coughs, but doesn't let go. I'm probably squeezing him, but he doesn't push me away. "Thank you." He repeats.

"Of course, my dear. As your boyfriend and as a paladin it's my duty to-" Espresso grabs a pillow from behind him and hits me in the face.

"Shut it, prick. You're ruining the moment." I give a boisterous laugh which earns me another pillow hit. "You're such a moron." Espresso says, a giggle finding it's place between his words. I fake an offended gasp and it comes out over-exaggerated. Espresso sits up only to lean back against the pillows. I follow him, laying on my side so I can see him.

"You're so beautiful, Espresso." He rolls his eyes. My poetry has no effect on him, as he likes to say. I can still try though. "Your skin is as clear as a summer day and as dark as a winter night. Your eyes stare into my soul and I feel as if I'd like to drown in them. You're brooding and occasionally gloomy, but you're also the smartest person I've ever met. You never fail to surprise me in your intelligence, nor your creativity. Out of anyone in the Creme Republic, I believe you have the brightest future."

I pause, given there have been no groans of annoyance, nor sarcastic awws. "Espresso?" The cookie stares at the ceiling, a look of dread covering his features. He stands silently and grabs his backpack. I sit up to watch him.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Maddie." He leaves my room quietly and without another another word.

What just happened? Was it something I said? I stare grimly at the bed. One thing is for sure. Something is wrong with my boyfriend.

Chapter Text

Tears threatened to spill as I walk through the mansion garden. I'm so stupid. Everything was perfect. I had a caring boyfriend, a safe home, good grades. Now I don't even have fine grades. As far as I know, my grades continue to be absolute shit. I mean seriously. I'm pretty sure I'm failing most of my classes. I haven't been to school for ages. Pain throbs in my head. Too bad I don't have those opioids anymore. I've already found something that works, just not as well. I just need to get home. My phone starts singing with my ringtone. It's some song by Parfait. I set it awhile back. I don't even know which one it is anymore. I check the caller ID, making sure it's not Uncle Affogato or something. It reads "Himbo," I have to stop myself from laughing. I forgot I changed it to that. I don't answer the call; I allow it to ring out. I happen to know some of the lyrics of the song and sing along on my walk back to my house. After it stops, my phone starts beeping with texts. Most of them are along the lines of 'Babe, where are you' or 'Please answer me.' I watch them come up on my notifications and read all of them, but don't answer. He'll be fine. I arrive at my house right as my phone rings again. This time the caller ID reads 'Weaker Fetus.' I answer the phone and get a scream in my ear.

"Oh, hey Essy." My twin sister's voice is sweet on the other side of the phone. "How are you." I sigh.
"Fine. Why'd you call me." There's shuffling on the other side of the phone. It sounds like someone else is there. I open the door to my house as I await her answer.

"Almond wanted to. We haven't heard from you in a while. Almond can hear you by the way. How's the Creme Republic? Challenging? Different than the Cacao Kingdom? Is the Cacao Kingdom more challenging than Parfaedia?" I roll my eyes as I set my backpack down. Latte is always like this. "I could hear that eyeroll, Essy." I chuckle a bit.

"Good. Creme Republic is good. Cacao Kingdom is less challenging than Parfaedia, but it had more magic opportunities. Creme Republic is more challenging, but its still pretty easy." As I talk, I make my way to the bathroom where I grab a syringe. Its full. Good. I calm myself down, attempting to not stare at the needle. Latte would be a good distraction. "How's your relationship with Almond?"

"Oh it's just great. We went on a date yesterday..." She continues talking, but I don't focus on it. I line up the needle with where I put it last time. I stab it into my arm, hissing at the pain. "You okay, Ess?"

"Mhm." I answer as I push the syringe down, forcing the drug into my bloodstream. Relief seems almost instant. I lean against the wall, enjoying the rush. Everything seems to melt away. "Bye Latte." I say simply, despite the protest of my sister. After hanging up, I take out the syringe and leave it on the floor of the bathroom. There's a knock on my door, but I don't bother. It's probably just a solicitor. I go to the kitchen and grab a candy bar. The sound of a door creaking causes a wave of anxiety to wash over me. Is it the police? Have they come to take me? Take me where? Why would the police be here? I'm high. They can't see me.

"Espresso?" They sound worried. And familiar. I turn around, candy bar still in hand, to see Madeleine. Immediately, all alarm falls silent in my head. Madeleine. Just Madeleine.

"Hey Maddie." I say with a smile. He came to see me. I should probably apologize for my quick departure, but then I would have to explain the heroin stowed in my bathroom and so many other things. So, instead, I offer the chocolate bar to him. He pushes my hand to the side and seems to be examining me. I shrink back and pull my hoodie tighter on my body. Does he have to have those prying eyes? He pulls me closer into a not-quite-hug. I lean into his hold. He's warm and sweaty. Did he run here? He pulls away from me and the warmth is gone. He's wearing a white tank top and blue sweatpants. The pants match his eyes. Sweat rolls down his face and his mouth is moving. Oh, he's talking to me.

"Espresso!" He shouts as I zone in. I blink slowly at him which he takes as a motion to go on. "Can you please take off your hoodie? You're burning up. I think you might have a fever." I shake my head. "Why not?"

"Too much effort." I drag out the last bit of 'effort' and I sound like a child. Madeleine sighs. I lean back onto him and my head lands on his chest.

"Follow me, alright?" I do as I'm told. He leads me to my bedroom. "I swear, this is why I have to take care of you. Your house is a mess and-" He cuts off suddenly as he stares at my open bathroom door. "Sit on the bed, okay?" He states quietly. I nod and flop onto the side of it. He walks cautiously to the bathroom until I can't see him anymore. What's he so worried about? Once I actually take the time to look around, I see the mess. There's multiple depression piles, syringes some places, and there's a small collection of blades on my nightstand, some of them stained with blood. I reach under my hoodie to feel the scabs of my cuts. Maddie doesn't know about any of this. I need to get him out. I'm not worrying my boyfriend to death. He walks out of my bathroom and stares at me. Too late.

"Essy, can you please explain the syringes that are on the floor of your bathroom?" Quick, Espresso! Think of a lie. You've always been a good liar, don't fail yourself now.

"New medicine the doctor prescribed. They're experimenting with a new medicine." Good lie. Maddie nods, but doesn't seem convinced.

"And the blades?" I forgot about those. I quickly answer,

"My razor broke and I didn't throw away the blade. I figured I'd use it for something." Maddie looks me dead in the eyes, both annoyed and in disbelief.

"So, let me tell you what I think you're trying to tell me. Your razor broke and cut you in the process, which explains the dried blood on it. Your doctor doesn't think the medicine they gave you is strong enough, so they've prescribed you a new experimental medicine. Do I have that correct?" I nod. Believable enough. "But here's the thing, Essy. You're a patterned addict."

"What?" I say, completely dumbfounded. Patterned addict? Where did he get that idea? Madeleine seems to be getting more annoyed by the minute.

"You're addicted to coffee, which is all fine and well since it's your lifeline. However, you've also been addicted to opioids and self harm. And you expect me to believe that stupid story? How moronic do you think I am? I know I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I know the basic signs of drug use, Espresso! Hell, my dad died due to drug overdose! Out of anyone, I know the dangers of this bullshit!" I'm completely frozen in my seat. I've never heard Madeleine cuss before. He's fuming while I process his words. Is he saying that I'm going to overdose? Does he think I can't take care of myself?

"I'm not addicted, Maddie. I can deal with this. I can stop anytime I want." Madeleine scoffs.

"You do realize how cliche you saying that is, right? That's literally what drug addicts say." I roll my eyes.

"Look, Maddie. You've known me for, what, one or two months? How well do you actually know me? I mean, you just think I'm attractive! You don't know me!" Madeleine looks genuinely hurt.

"What are you saying? Do you not love me? Do you love me only for my body? It that what you're saying?" I sigh and fall against the bed.

"No. I just..." Is that what I'm saying? I know I love Madeleine, but why do I? "Maddie, you've never had drugs before. You don't know what its like. It feels good." Madeleine's eyes soften sadly.

"Espresso, you realize that's a good thing, right?" He walks to sit beside me, which causes me to sit up. "I want to help. I really do." He takes my hand in his and squeezes. It's something that I know should be comforting, but it doesn't feel comforting. I'm not weak. "But you have to tell me what's going on with you! No secrets, remember?" I pull my hand away from him and look away from his caring, mocking eyes.

"Yeah, yeah." I say. We both can hear the insincerity in my words. However, instead of arguing further, Maddie just takes my hand again and forces me to stand. He kisses my cheek with a smile.

"Can I trust you'll be at school tomorrow?" I nod, rolling my eyes. "Not high?" I sigh and nod again. I can do that. "Good. I'll see you tomorrow, darling." He kisses my hands like the dork he is and leaves. I lay back on my bed and exhaustion falls into my limbs. I need some coffee.

Chapter Text

Espresso followed through with his promise. We were good. Well, almost. Espresso was still keeping things from me, but I didn't press. Occasionally, at school, I would see him be a bit more twitchy and a bit more paranoid and the next day completely relaxed. I'm not an idiot, as most people would have you believe. I know he's still using it. But he's trying and that's what matters.

At least, that was my attitude a few hours ago. Mrs. Apple Pie gave me Espresso's report card and much to my shock, he was failing every single class. So, now I'm storming to his house, as he wasn't at school today, and I'm going to question him about it. I'm tired of being held in the dark. I need answers.

I angrily knock on Espresso's door, and a very tired, very twitchy Espresso answers. When he sees me, he doesn't smile. I'm sure I don't seem like I normally do. I'm fuming with anger and I know my boyfriend can sense it. Still, he lets me inside. His house is a mess. A complete mess. There are clothes everywhere and dishes fill the sink. Espresso stands beside me as I survey his house.

"What are you hear for?" Espresso asks. He almost stutters when he's speaking. Is he scared of me? I stare at him. I shouldn't be scaring my boyfriend. I attempt to soften my expression and smile at him.

"I wanted to see you. I need to talk about something." Espresso's eyes fall to the floor and he looks unhappy. I tilt his head up and I can see tears fill his eyes. I don't think I've ever seen him cry. I pull him into a hug and I can feel my shirt wet with tears. I didn't mean to make him cry. "What's wrong?" I ask cautiously, not trying to do any more harm than I've already done.

"You're going to break up with me." Espresso manages to choke out. What? What gave him that idea? Right. The 'I need to talk to you' thing.

"I'm not going to break up with you. I don't think I would ever want to. I need to talk to you about something with school, darling." Espresso's skin becomes a lot hotter against my shirt and I can tell he's blushing. He leaves my embrace, on a quest for coffee. He starts the machine while I grab the papers out of the small bag I brought: His report card and some missing assignments. He doesn't offer coffee to me like he normally would. He knows my opinion on the bitter drink by now. I sit on the couch next to the coffee table and Espresso joins me shortly.

"So, what did you want to..." He starts lightly, all previous sadness forgotten in my reassurance, and the addition of coffee. However, as he stares at the paper, his expression turns grim and he refuses to meet my eyes. "So that's why you came here?" I frown at his admittance. He knew about his grades.

"Espresso, you're normally an all-A student. What happened? You're failing!" Espresso's expression turns dark as he puts on his emotionless mask. Great, now I have to fight through his wall of secrecy. "Espresso." All former softness to my voice evaporates at his guarded expression.

"Madeleine." I roll my eyes at his unwillingness to communicate. He sits with his arms crossed and one leg over the other. His gaze is scathing, but I couldn't care less. There's still a softness behind it. He's not truly angry, just cautious. He's uncertain of what I'm going to do, which I can understand. I could easily overpower him, should he attack me or I attack him. I have superior size and strength, but he has the advantage with his magic. If we were to face off... Focus, Madeleine! This is a serious matter! Espresso- Your Espresso is hurting himself, whether it's on purpose or not.

I drop the smiling facade I fall into when zoned out, but it doesn't faze the beautiful face of my love. He drops his emotionless mask, instead favoring an annoyed one. I hand him the report card, which he takes without refusal, surprisingly enough. He reads it over and, for a split second, a look of horror dashes across his face. Almost immediately, it's covered with a look of indifference. He hands it back to me with a frown.

"So what?" I roll my eyes for the thousandth time. Had it been any other cookie, I would have been embarrassed by my dishonorable actions. But this is Espresso, the cookie who can see through even the toughest of facades. The best lie in the world couldn't fool my mage. "What would you have me do, Madeleine?" I glare at him in annoyance. Strange, how quickly my mood has been switching. It's not like me. But that's a matter for later.

"Stop injecting heroin into your veins, for one." Espresso scoffs and stands, taking an empty mug to the kitchen. "Espresso, I'm serious." I say, following the shorter cookie. He doesn't look at me while he washes his cup. "Espresso, you know that I love you-" Espresso drops the cup in the sink as he swerves angrily towards me. The room seems suddenly seems a lot hotter as the mage storms towards me, heat seemingly radiating off his shoulders.

"Do not use that fucking excuse on me, Madeleine. Don't pull that conditional love shit. I'm not dealing with it. Not now, not ever. If you're going to do that, I will break up with you right here, right now." Espresso is different than the man who was just crying into my shirt because he thought I was breaking up with him. I suppose both of us are having problems with mood swings. I place my hands on his hot shoulders and smile. A real smile.

"Never, my dear. All I was saying was that you were worrying me with all of this. I don't want you to hate yourself because you fail. I don't know about how it was in Parfaedia, but teachers here are very understanding and more than happy to help." Espresso cringes at my statement about Parfaedia. "And I'm not asking you to quit cold turkey. I know how hard that can be. I'm just asking for you to not, you know, take so much." Espresso nods a bit, his body cooling as I talk. He's a lot less intimidating when he's not fuming with literal heat. Espresso sighs and mumbles something. "What? What did you say?" Espresso sighs even louder but speaks clearer this time.

"I haven't used it in, like, a week. I have been trying. It's just so Divine-damned hard!" He exclaims, throwing his arms up in a dramatic gesture. When he does so, the loose sleeves of his jacket fall to his elbows, revealing cuts. Fresh cuts. He immediately rushes to cover them, but I stop him.

"When were these made?" I ask quietly, no threat in my voice. Espresso doesn't meet my eyes again. Judging from my (albeit limited) first-aid knowledge, the cuts were made a few hours ago. Instead of a harsh tone, I pull him into a hug, which he gladly returns.

"Madeleine, I'm sorry." He says with a miserable sigh. "I just can't. It's impossible! Anytime I get close to a week I just- ugh!" He drops his head against my shoulder, the hug turning tight. I smile at his loss for words, but don't allow him to see it. It feels like I've got my old Espresso back, which is already a good sign.

"I'll make a deal with you." I say, pulling out of the hug. Espresso gives me an unamused expression, but motions for me to continue. "I'll help you study and get your grades back up to normal - because I know you care about them don't lie to me - and I'll help you with the recovery process. Seriously. With both the drugs and..." I gesture vaguely to his cuts. "This." Espresso contemplates for a moment but then nods

"Alright. Deal." I smile and lean forward to kiss him, which he returns. "Sap." Espresso says with an eye-roll as he pulls away. He then turns to his messy house and walks towards a pile. When I don't move to follow, he gives me an annoyed gaze. "Are you going to help me or are you going to stand there and look pretty, golden boy?" I smile and rush forward.

"I'm here to help, love." And, although I don't say it, we both know I'm not just referring to this. I grab his hand with a small smile. "I'm always willing to help."

Chapter Text

The next few weeks, to put it simply, were hell. It was a mess of recovery, withdrawal, and relapse. It almost got to the point where Espresso quit trying. But Madeleine, ever the optimist, pushed him forward. Though there were some relapses worse than others.

----

Espresso couldn't stop shaking. The white surface of his bathroom floor had already been stained a bright red, and yet, he didn't stop. He didn't stop when his clothes started to drip. He didn't stop when he stopped bleeding all together. He didn't even stop when Madeleine found him, shaking, bloody, and disassociating.

----

Of course, that's not to say everything was bad. There were good times.

----

Madeleine chuckled at his boyfriend's flushed face. Espresso was mumbling curses and insults as he wiped the fresh lipstick off his face. "Why?" Madeleine asked, kissing his boyfriend's cheek again. "I think you look good with my lips imprinted on you."

----

Now, after Espresso has been clean for ages, Madeleine decided to invite him to go to a new café in town with some friends. Though, things don't go as planned.

----

"Maddie. I don't even know if I'll like their coffee. You know I like my coffee brewed a specific way and-" The blonde stopped, pausing my complaint. He squeezed the hand that held his and smiled warmly at me.

"I promise you'll love it, mon amour." I roll my eyes at the French.

"Yeah, yeah. Let's just get there." Madeleine points to a small shop across the street.

"We're already here." I take my hand out of his, which earns a confused look from my boyfriend. I smile mischievously at him and get a frown in return. I glance both ways at the busy street and get into position. "Wait, Essy-" Before Madeleine can finish his sentence, I sprint across the street, running in-between cars, earning the occasional honk. I can hear the heavy footfalls of Madeleine behind me, so I smile. Once I reach the other side of the street, I pause and turn to see a very out of breath Madeleine.

"What's wrong, Mr. I-play-every-sport-known-to-man? Out of shape?" Madeleine gives me an uncharacteristic glare from his keeled over position in front of me.

"I haven't been able to work out in weeks thanks to someone." I shrug and turn toward the small café. "Also, never do that again. I was worried we were both going to get hit by a car." I shrug as I open the door.

"I'm a soon-to-be mage. I'll be fine. Now come on. I'm hungry and I haven't had coffee in hours." Madeleine rolls his eyes, but smiles and takes my hand.
When we enter the café, I'm immediately bombarded by the smell of lavender. Not to say I don't like the smell, it's just a bit overpowering sometimes. There's a slight wind in the air that makes Madeleine's platinum blonde hair billow beautifully. The café is very quiet so I can instantly hear when a laugh breaks the whispers of conversations. A laugh I recognize.

"There you two are! We began to worry you weren't coming." Financier smiles from a booth in the corner. The perfect spot. A head peaks out from behind her. With his emerald green eyes, it's impossible to miss Clotted Cream. I glance toward Madeleine.

"So this is why we're here?" Madeleine shrugs as he walks towards the two.

"They're our friends, Espresso. You'll have to interact with them eventually." Madeleine stops just before sitting down in the booth, allowing me to sit on the inside. "So, how are you two? I feel like we haven't talked in ages." Financier begins talking, but I zone out. I mainly focus on the coffee Madeleine places in front of me and the way he reacts to all the things Financier says. Once my coffee has been finished, I allow myself to tune back into the conversation. It seems the topic has shifted away from Financier and Clotted and onto Madeleine and I.

"Coach wanted me to tell you something, Madeleine." The blonde tilts his head and nods, motioning for Financier to continue. "He held it off for as long as he could, but he..." She looks away from Madeleine, which intrigues both of us. "He had to kick you off the team, Maddie." My boyfriend sits straighter, immediately much more alert than normal. "Look, I'm really sorry. You were failing one of your classes so he had to. I wanted to break it to you when you were in a better mood and-" Madeleine gets out of the seat quickly and walks out of the café, leaving us all dumbfounded. I glance toward Clotted and Financier before giving a half-hearted smile and following after my boyfriend.

Madeleine is standing at the street intersection, waiting for the walk sign. It turns right before I can walk up to him and he doesn't wait for me. I shout after him, running to catch up. I can hear Clotted and Financier behind me, talking about how she shouldn't have told him, but I'm more concerned about Madeleine than them. They can handle themselves. Once I catch up to him, I begin to talk, attempting to calm his temper.

"Madeleine, I'm sure you can get back on the team. It won't take long to get your grades back up," I say, but it does nothing to slow his pace. "The coach knows you. If you tell him what happened he'll understand." Still, Madeleine doesn't stop walking. We near where the mansions of the elders start popping up. With only small roads, the area is mostly filled with people. My normal uncomfortability is replaced with the need to get Madeleine to listen to me. Madeleine turns onto a less busy street and I can see Madeleine Manor in the distance. " Madeleine, please. You're a good person. I know you have good morals! He'll understand!" Madeleine pauses in the middle of the street, earning a few annoyed looks from the small amount people around us. He turns around to face me and walks angrily toward me, the only thing in his eyes is rage.

"What in Divine's name would you know about good morals, drug addict? You're the reason I'm in this mess. If I hadn't been taking care of you and your incapability to handle yourself, I wouldn't have been kicked off the team!" I stare at him. There's not a trace of regret in his eyes.

"Take that back, Madeleine." Clotted and Financier pause behind us, staring at the scene unfolding before them. In all honesty, I couldn't give a fuck. Madeleine crosses his arms and looks away. He even has the audacity to scoff. As if I'm being the unreasonable one here. "Take. It. Back." I repeat. Madeleine rolls his blue eyes. The eyes that once held kindness. The eyes that once stared at me with unyielding, unwavering love. The eyes that now held annoyance. "Take that back or we're done." I say. Madeleine turns back to me with anger in his eyes. He leans down so he can make eye contact with me.

"I don't think you have the balls." I can feel the tears gather at my eyes as I stare into his. "Go ahead. You won't do it." I push him back.

"Don't talk to me ever again, Vanilla. Ever." I walk away from the dumbfounded blonde, pushing past Financier and Clotted. I hear Financier tell him to piss off and they both follow me. However, they both turn when we reach the end of the road, heading toward Custard's mansion. I turn toward my own house.

All I can think about is how much time I spent with Madeleine. Loving him. Helping him when he struggled. The time I spent on that relationship and recovering for him. And Madeleine threw it all away because of being kicked off some stupid team.

Fuck him.