Work Text:
I keep looking into those blank eyes, eyes that used to hold so much love, and I want to scream. I want to curse the universe for destroying the one thing that made me happy since everything started. I want to cry because after everything we been through, all the yelling and fights and almost deaths- this is how we lose each other. Hydra coming in to ruin our lives and then a reset because of a knock to the head is what finally snaps our precious bubble of love and drowns me in loneliness because the one person who was there for me is gone. Not dead. No, it would be too easy. Too simple. Instead, he doesn't remember me. He's still alive and healthy except he doesn't remember anything. He looks at me with the same eyes and it has lost all the familiar love it used to have.
It hasn't been long since the loss of memories, only a week, but it's a week of where the man that I thought would hold me together with his warmth whenever I felt myself crumble forever now can barely pull himself together and I can only watch him without doing anything to help. It's only us in the small room, nobody giving me pitying eyes or him sorrowful looks. It's just us.
"You used to love me," I break the silence.
I whisper the words like it's a secret, afraid that a brisk wind might blow it away into the winds of time and nobody would know before the amnesia. He looks up from his hands, warm eyes feeling cooler than usual. I can't help the tear that rolls down my cheek at the loss of warmth.
I take off the chain that hung around my neck for what felt like centuries and hold them out for him. He just looks at the chain like they meant nothing to him and maybe they do mean nothing, just another piece of jewelry that holds no meaning. Maybe these are the last bit of memories I would have of him before the stupid mission. I shake my hand, more tears falling as I feel my heart break even more at the mere thought of finally losing it all.
He drags his eyes toward my face before slowly reaching for them, like the chains might snap at him. He finally grasps it and brings it close to him. He reads the tags, his finger going over the imprint in the medal. I sit back and draw my knees close to my chest, barely holding it together. The floodgates finally break and I'm just there sitting as he tries to gain memories that he might never have again. My chest shudders as I try to speak through the pain that rips through my chest, a pain I'm used to but it doesn’t hurt any less.
"You have the same one in your room on your left bedside. One has your name with your designation number, and the other has my name with my designation number on it-"
I gasp out as I put my hand over my chest and for a moment, a small hopeful moment, he seems like he wants to reach out and touch me, something he would have done if I broke down in front of him. But he doesn't, he looks at me with concern, not love like he was supposed to, and just keeps rubbing the engraving in the metal. I can’t tell if it’s an improvement. He looks lost and I know I shouldn't be the one crying because I'm not the one who lost my memories but it hurts. It hurts so much because he isn't himself and I can't do anything to help him. Only watch the shell of the man I fell in love with.
I gasp again, more pain erupting from my shattered heart and all he says is, "Breathe."
I cry more because he would have said the same thing except, he would have been closer and giving me his warmth that would have comforted me but instead I'm cold and he's far away and I can't reach him. He’s gone and all I have of him are just memories and a cold gaze.
He places the chain on the table and slides it toward me before he stands and walks toward the door. I stop him before he opens it.
"I used to love you," the words feel broken and stale in my mouth, "And I still do. I will do whatever it takes to bring you back."
It's another whisper, just a promise that could get lost but I hold onto it with all my anger at the universe and the loneliness from missing my love and the cold that's seeping into my bones.
And all he says is, "I hope you do. I’m not going anywhere," and he walks out of the room.
I grab the chain from the table, staring at our names before I scream myself raw at the injustice at the universe. I finally find the love of my life and he doesn’t even remember me. Maybe it’s my payment for all my sins. To love but never get loved back. It’s a sick joke.