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She was tired because she was brought into a world where family was merely blood.
But when the monsters creep into your house and every door is hard to close,
I hope you know how proud I am you were created with the courage to unlearn all of their hatred
- Hope ur ok, Olivia Rodrigo
Siuan was eating her lunch when it happened.
She was sitting in silence with the other Novices, Myrelle had sat beside her, in the spot usually reserved for Moiraine. But Moiraine wasn’t with them, she hardly ever was on Thursdays.
The Novices had just finished their Old Tongue class, but since Moiraine was already fluent, she had long been dismissed of those. Instead, the Damodred had private lessons with a gray sister, Sierin Vayu, some sort of political tutoring, which would be more useful to her given her family history.
It was not unusual for Sierin to hold Moiraine past the class time and into lunch hours, so Siuan didn’t think much of it when the Cairhienin entered late and sat a few seats down from her.
A few minutes later, Elaida entered the dinning hall with the mail for the Novices.
Moiraine and Siuan exchanged a look, the Tairen scrunched her nose. None of them liked the Accepted, but had to face the probability of becoming classmates with Elaida given how often various Aes Sedai had hinted at how both of them would go through their own Accepted tests in a short time.
They were still silently communicating when Elaida stopped right next to Moiraine. Her friend shifted her gaze to the Accepted who had an arm extended to her with a letter.
With a very confused look, she picked up the envelope with the seal that must have been from her House. Moiraine hardly ever received any mail from her family. Maybe four or five times from her father over the last couple of years, but it was always on some important date like her birthdays - which was still over a couple of months away - or near the Feast of Lights.
She opened the letter looking interested, however, as her eyes went through the page her face switched to that unique blank expression. Siuan had been slowly learning how to read Moiraine over the last years, and that look meant there was something she was trying not to show, something shocking considering how subtly pale Moiraine cheeks turned.
Suddenly, her friend got up and walked to the main door. Her walk was calm, but firm. The Accepted at the door was frowning at Moiraine, however, when the shorter girl leaned in and talked to her she opened the door and let Moiraine through.
Siuan frowned at the rest of her now cold stew. She wasn’t hungry anymore, her stomach turning with worry for Moiraine.
She spends the rest of meal-time fidgeting in her seat, waiting to talk to her best friend.
A few hours later, Siuan was marching to Merean’s office with a purpose she hand’t felt in a while.
After the meal she went to their Geopolitics class, got her usual seat and waited. But the seat next to hers had remained empty for the duration of the class.
She couldn’t tell a word of what was discussed in the lesson, her brain kept switching to different scenarios of what could have happened, and with each one her heart raced a little bit more. When the class was dismissed, she all but ran to Moiraine’s room. It was empty. So was her own.
So she did the last thing she could think of. She went to Merean.
The Mistress of Novices would certainly know what happened.
Knocking on the door, it only took a couple of seconds for the soft “come in”, but it felt like ages.
“Mistress” Siuan opened the door with a motion more abrupt than she should’ve, but oh well the amount of times she had been to this office by now… “May I talk to you for a minute?”
That got the Aes Sedai’s attention.
“Of course, Child” Merean looked at Siuan and gestured to one of the chairs in front of her desk. “Sit down.”
Her ass wasn’t even on the chair when the words started flowing out of her mouth.
“It’s about Moiraine. We were eating in the hall when she got a letter. She didn’t show up to the next class, and I haven’t found her in either her room or mine. I don’t know where she is, plus she looked kinda weird when she read the letter. I was wondering if you knew what happened”
Merean observed her quietly for no more than a few moments, but given Siuan’s anxiety, they felt like forever. Oh, for fuck’s sake.
“Sorry for prying,” Siuan responded, more slowly this time, trying to manipulate her voice to sound more like Moiraine, more mature and calm “it’s just she doesn’t normally get letters, and I’m…”
“Worried.” Merean finished, her gaze softening.
“Yeah” Siuan exhaled, trying to calm herself.
Merean walked around her table, stopping right next to Siuan and rested a hand on her shoulder. The gesture made Siuan’s worry peak again. Fish guts. This couldn’t be good.
“She received a letter from the Sun Palace informing her father died yesterday. She came to me shortly after that and I granted her the opportunity to leave the Tower to attend the funeral. She left for Cairhien some time ago.”
Siuan stared at the Mistress of Novices, trying to process all the information.
“Ah- She-” Siuan cleaned her throat before starting again “When will she be back?”
Merean squeezed her shoulder in an affectionate gesture, her eyes soft on Siuan.
“A few days, I expect. No more than a fortnight.” She started to go back to her chair at the other end of the table, a simple gesture indicating this conversation was over.
Siuan rose from her chair.
“Thank you”
She was nearly at the door when Merean spoke again.
“Siuan, I told you this because I know you and Moiraine are really close,” Her eyes were serious looking at Siuan now, all the previous warmth vanishing from her voice “but Dalresin Damodred’s death is not common knowledge yet. It will be in a few days, but until then I trust you will keep the information to yourself.”
Siuan nodded.
Later that night, Siuan found it was hard to sleep. Not only she missed her best friend’s presence beside her on her bed, but she also wanted to talk to Moiraine. To comfort her.
Over the last couple of years, the two had never spent more than a few hours apart. Now she wouldn’t see Moiraine for days. And she hadn’t even said goodbye. Or given her friend a hug. The Cairhienin hadn’t been big on hugs when they first met - or physical contact in general - but Siuan knew she was okay with them now. And the death of a parent seemed like a good occasion to get a hug.
That brought tears to her eyes.
Siuan missed her own father so much, her chest hurt sometimes. She missed the way he made her feel loved and safe. Although she knew Moiraine’s relationship with her family was very different from her own, Moiraine and her father had possessed a very close bond.
She couldn’t imagine how her best friend was feeling right now at her father’s funeral.
She didn’t want to imagine.
She only sees Moiraine again eight days later.
Siuan was walking in a corridor with Myrelle and Alanna when a swirl of Gray Sisters passed by. It took her a moment to recognize Moiraine in their middle, nobility regalia and everything.
She was wearing a big black dress with green and red stripes nearly to the floor, her kesiera hanging in her forehead, as blue as her eyes. In the contrast of the darker colors from the usual Novice white, she looked way older than her fourteen years, despite being more than a head shorter than every other woman around her.
“Do you believe your father’s death was in reality an assassination?”
“Whose head would King Laman go to for this?”
“Hadn’t the King been the one to ask for his brother’s demise in the first place?”
From the distance, Siuan could faintly hear how the Aes Sedai that surrounded her friend were shooting questions at her. Nonetheless, Moiraine’s eyes were sharp on the women around her, her posture somehow even straighter than usual, her voice stronger and clearer.
The girl almost in front of her looked so distinct from her Moiraine.
That girl looked like she belonged amongst the powerful Aes Sedai.
The group of women walked by the Novices who stepped aside. If Moiraine saw Siuan, she didn’t react to it.
Even thought Siuan spends the rest of her day looking out for Moiraine she only sees her friend again at night.
She entered her own room after supper and there the Cairhienin was. Sitting on her bed, back in her familiar white clothes, with a somewhat lost, vacant look on her face.
They lock eyes when Siuan walks in, and she can’t help but notice Moiraine, who hardly ever displays any emotion, looks sad. Her head is down, her mouth is a thin line, she has circles under her beautiful eyes. She looks young, nearly childish again. Siuan walks over and immediately steps in front of her best friend, kneeling to try to keep eye contact when Moiraine lowers her gaze.
Moiraine never behaves like this.
“Are you alright?” Siuan asks, barely whispering.
It seems like a silly question, of course Moiraine is not okay, but she doesn’t know what else to do.
Moiraine slowly looks into her eyes, as if searching for something. Her lower lip trembles for a second, the only warning Siuan got before the smaller girl was throwing herself in her arms.
It takes her a second to respond, surprise taking over, but as soon as she understands what is happening, she closes her arms tightly around Moiraine. With both kneeling on the floor, Moiraine’s head was fit in between her neck and shoulder, suddenly the small girls’ body was shaking with sobs, tears Siuan could feel but not see running down her cheeks and into Siuan’s arms.
Siuan had seen Moiraine cry before. Just as Moiraine had seen Siuan cry. Some visits to Merean’s office after pranks ensured that. But Moiraine always cried silently, with lots of tears and little sniffs. Never more.
However, this was so different from that.
Her sobs sounded loud. And broken.
She could never imagine Moiraine’s sweet yet strong voice could sound like this. The noise was almost maddening, she just wanted, needed to make Moiraine stop sounding shattered like that.
So Siuan did the one thing she could think of. She held Moiraine really, really tight, stroking her hair and gently rocking them. Making soothing sounds, even though she could feel her own eyes filling with tears as her best friend broke down in her arms.
Eventually the sobs stopped. So did the shaking. Moiraine was still breathing hard and sniffing, but those sounds were more expected. Siuan could feel her own heartbeat slowing as Moiraine calmed down.
The girl took a deep breath and slowly backed away a little, without fully leaving Siuan’s embrace.
Her face was red and tears still rolled down her cheeks, but somehow Moiraine looked relieved. She was blinking slowly and breathing as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
Something about her best friend’s reaction made an alarm sound in Siuan’s head with a worrying realization.
“Have you cried since you heard your father died?” She asked, afraid of the answer.
“No” Moiraine’s voice was raw as she gently shook her head. She sniffs. Takes a deep breath. “wasn’t safe.”
Siuan cradles Moiraine’s face, wiping away the tears that were falling. She knows the Cairhienin isn’t done crying yet, but she will wipe that face as many times as needed.
“It’s okay, you can cry as much as you want now.”
The last eight days had been exhausting.
Up to her father’s death Moiraine had not realized - or considered, even - how used she had grown to the ways her life worked now. She was not what was considered an extroverted girl in the Tower, not at all. Her Daes dae’mar training had made sure of that, no matter how long she stayed away from the Sun Palace. But the intricate subtlety of The Great Game had somewhat escaped her gasp over the last couple of years she spent in the White Tower.
She constantly found herself having to pay more attention to her whims than should have been necessary. Either it had been an impulse to talk about her feelings to one of her sisters, or make a mindless comment that certainly would have been oversharing information that could easily be used against her. Moiraine had not slipped once though. No, she was still a Damodred. But staying alert to everything had taken a lot more energy than it should.
It had surprised her how she had found herself yearning for Siuan. To talk to her, to just lay in bed and have some physical contact with another human being. She had missed being hugged.
Like they were hugging now.
At some point, Moiraine just gave up going back to her own room and borrowed one of Siuan’s nightdresses, as she had done so many nights before.
They laid down in Siuan’s bed, just existing for a while. Moiraine had just rested her head on Siuan’s shoulder, but the other girl had a habit to sense what Moiraine needed before she could figure it out herself, so they ended up a pile of tangled limbs. Legs and arms curled, and Siuan’s hand stroking her hair. A ‘little octopus’ as Siuan had described, making Moiraine smile a little for the first time in days.
The last eight days had been exhausting.
However, it felt safe now. Safer than her childhood home ever had.
It was weird for her, having a friend. Felling like she was about to fall, but instead of having a line of people trying to trip her off her feet and step on her as soon as that happened, having Siuan there, as if telling her with her eyes ‘it’s okay. You can fall, I’ll catch you’
There was a part of her brain that still could not accept it, a survival instinct that fought against the feeling of trust Siuan brought up in her. It was not possible that Siuan would put Moiraine above her own needs. No matter how much she seemed to like Moiraine, eventually Siuan would need to make decisions that put her priorities first.
Maybe one day, all that trust would be the very reason of her own demise. Then, she would regret ever allowing herself to become this vulnerable.
She can feel the tears coming back to her eyes.
“I am sorry for all of this”
Moiraine mutters as she hides her face on the crook of Siuan’s neck.
“Shhh” Siuan’s arms tighten around her “Don’t ever apologize for crying or needing a hug, okay? At least not to me.”
Moiraine nods.
“I’ll always be here when you need me.”
The last eight days had been exhausting.
However, she was with Siuan now. And it felt safe.