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Knowing you’re going to die is an unsettling feeling, even when you turn out to be wrong.
Apros should be able to recognize the dream, by this point, for what it is - and yet, every time, it’s just as terrifying. It’s barely even a dream, really; it’s more like a vivid, real-time playback of his memory of the event, only with a worse ending.
The uneasy feeling as he boards the Paccian gunboat -
the unprotected journey across the field of battle, with laser fire in every direction -
the missiles headed directly for his little craft -
and - nothingness.
And he wakes.
The battle is over. It’s been over for weeks. In the dark, comforting coolness of the sleeping room, it should be easy enough to remember that - and yet -
Apros draws a shaky breath, burying his face in the crook of his elbow. All around him, his nestmates are sleeping soundly, and he doesn’t want to wake them. Wikivv is passed out soundly, sprawled mostly on top of him, with her head resting on his chest; her weight is grounding, comforting. Shrent is purring right beside his ear, soft whuffly breaths brushing his cheek. As his heart rate slows to something approaching normal, Apros heaves a sigh, feeling his body relax as he stares up at the ceiling. But as soon as he begins to drift off again, the tide of fear rises once more. He jolts awake, and tries to keep himself from whimpering, and finds that he cannot. A sleepy mumble from Wikivv, then, and she lifts her head.
“You all right, Senior Captain?”
“Mm,” Apros replies, feeling embarrassed as well as guilty. “Just a dream. Sorry to wake you.”
“The same thing again?” Ghaloksu pops his head up to look at him over Shrent, who’s still snoring, blissfully unaware of the disturbance.
“Yeah,” Apros says, rubbing his eyes. He’s confided in these two often about the residual anxiety he’s felt since the Sunrise mission, and they’ve always been so kind and understanding, but he still feels like a bother. “It’s fine. I’m fine.” He’s not, but he doesn’t know how to say that.
“You’re still really tense,” Wikivv fusses. “Here, roll over and I’ll give you a backrub.”
Apros obliges that request gladly, and Wikivv repositions herself, settling cross-legged on the small of his back. A purr starts in his chest as his friend begins kneading gently below his shoulder blades, and finally he feels himself slipping into a comfortable darkness, not a menacing one, and he stays there.
/ / /
“Okay,” Wikivv announces, indicating a passel of specimens on the shop shelf in front of Ghaloksu for his consideration. “Behold our options.”
The array of plushies before him is impressive, perhaps even daunting. Ghaloksu paws through them with Wikivv, looking for the one that might appeal to their friend the most. There are a lot of growzers, but they’re pretty samey; a swamplurk catches his eye for a moment, but its blank stare is more unsettling than cute, and he puts it back quickly.
“What about this one?” Wikivv says, holding up a largely shapeless stuffie with limbs flopping everywhere.
“What’s it supposed to be?” Ghaloksu asks as he takes it from her, peering at it in an attempt to try to make sense of its form. It doesn’t really look like any animal he’s ever seen.
“It’s a groundlion.”
“With six legs?”
“These two are its tails,” Wikivv says defensively, snatching it back from him. “And you’re holding it upside down.”
It is more obvious once she’s turned it right side up. Ghaloksu has to admit it’s pretty charming, in an odd way. Looking at it again, he can make out some slightly lopsided features stitched onto its face.
“Okay,” Ghaloksu says. “Yes. Let’s get this one.”
Wikivv’s eyes narrow. “Are you just teasing now?”
“No,” Ghaloksu says quickly, and he means it. “It’s endearing. And it’s a good fit. It was a brave thing he did. The groundlion is…symbolic. And they have the same hair,” he adds, pointing out the plushie’s wavy green-blue mane. “It’s perfect.”
Judging by Wikivv’s smile, she seems satisfied with his honesty. She holds out her hands, and he gives the groundlion back. “Okay. Find a cute gift bag and we can check out.”
“Already done,” Ghaloksu says, producing with a flourish his choice of container, which is a large blue bag with Happy Third Starday! printed in huge letters on the front.
/ / /
“I’m feeling a little cornered,” Apros says, eyeing his friends warily. Ghaloksu is holding something behind her back; Wikivv, beside him, chews her lip.
“This will just take a minute,” Ghaloksu says quickly.
“Can I at least put down my caccoleaf first?” Apros asks, and they step aside to let him through. He sets down the mug on the officers’ lounge counter, then turns back to face them again. “Okay. What’s up?”
“Senior Captain,” Wikivv says, “we’re a little worried about you.”
This is step one, Apros is sure, of being declared unfit for duty. He braces himself, and waits for what’s next.
“I’d really like you to talk to Medical Officer Fuross about the dreams that have been troubling you. And the reason behind your dreams,” Wikivv adds. “All that leftover worry that won’t leave your mind.”
“Is that all?” Apros blinks. “I have to say I’ve thought about it. But I’m not sure if she could really…do anything about it.”
“She can,” Wikivv promises. “I’ve talked to her about stuff like that a lot before. She’s really helpful. I think she could do something for you, if you’re up to speaking with her about it. We both…really want you to get better.” Beside her, Ghaloksu nods, toying with one of his braid cuffs. Both their expressions are serious, but also…gentle. They’re not judgmental. Just concerned.
“All right,” Apros sighs, turning to stir sugar into his caccoleaf. “I suppose it can’t hurt to try.” When he turns back, Wikivv is beaming.
“That brings me to our next point,” she says, nudging Ghaloksu, who pulls out a blue paper bag from behind his back. When Apros reads the writing on it, he can’t suppress a snort of laughter, and Ghaloksu shoots Wikivv a look that looks a lot like an I told you so as he hands the bag to Apros, who reaches inside to pull out something large and soft.
“It’s a groundlion,” Ghaloksu says immediately, though Apros has already figured that out. It looks fierce, but still cute, and he finds himself smiling as he strokes its soft fur.
“He’s perfect,” Apros says. “Thank you. And look” - he holds the plush up beside his head - “we even have the same hair.”
“I’m glad you like him,” Ghaloksu says with a smile. “We thought he might help keep you safe while you sleep. And you can bring him to medbay, too. If you want.”
“On one condition,” Wikivv says, snatching the groundlion and attempting to hold it out of his reach, which is comical given their relative heights. “You can cuddle with this guy all you want, as long as you still leave room for us too. I don’t want to lose my prime nest spot to a plushie.”
“I promise,” Apros laughs, pulling Wikivv into a one-armed hug and standing tiptoe to kiss Ghaloksu’s forehead. “Thank you two. Really.” He takes a sip of his caccoleaf, and his friends press close, and in that moment he feels truly safe, for the first time in a while.
Maybe he’s not okay, not all the way through.
But he will be.