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Jimin remembers.
It's been years but his memory of him still doesn't fade. It's clear just like a recording tape, it plays in the back of his mind. Almost everyday.
Jeon Jungkook.
Jungkook was 16 and Jimin was 15 the time they met.
It was Monday morning, the first day of classes, and the teacher hadn't arrived yet. He was in his third year of high school.
Jimin was a cold and timid kid. He would never utter a word. All of the students were afraid of him because of his siren eyes, his scars and the news that he's a bad student. A rebel to be exact.
He was always an outcast.
Everybody has their own circle of friends but Jimin was all alone at his desk with his book and he's used to it.
He thought his whole year would be fine and quiet but a loud student sat in the empty chair beside him. A raven haired boy with round black glasses.
It's his first time seeing someone who has the guts to sit beside him. He hates people— oh, let's be specific. He hates loud people.
Jimin looked at him and immediately noticed a scar on his left cheek.
“Hi! My name is Jeon Jungkook! I hope we can be friends!” He enthusiastically said and offered his hand but the latter didn't even take his hand and just continued reading the book.
But Jungkook just smiled even bigger with Jimin's response.
Days passed by, Jungkook didn't stop persuading Jimin to talk to him. He always follows him wherever he goes. He tried and tried and tried...
Until one day, in the school's field, Jimin couldn't get enough of it and straightforwardly shouted at Jungkook.
“Can you please leave me the fuck alone?” He blurted out and that made the boy startled. Even Jimin is surprised with himself.
It's his first time shouting towards a person. It's his first time showing emotion to anybody.
Jimin looked at Jungkook who was standing in front of him and he saw how hurt he was. He was attacked by guilt. He was about to talk but the older guy ran away from him.
A week passed and Jungkook wouldn't even speak nor look at him, Jimin tried to approach but he wouldn't even let him.
Not until one day, in their class, Jungkook was called to answer a math equation in front of the class. But the boy was so busy dozing off that he had no clue about the formula, so Jimin gestured using his hands. Gladly, the older one was able to get it and got the right answer.
The whole class praised Jungkook for that including the teacher, Jimin looked at him with a small smile forming on his lips.
Jungkook was taken aback, this is his first time seeing the guy smile but nonetheless of the amusement, he smiled back.
Jimin doesn't know what's taken him but one thing is for sure, he doesn't find Jeon annoying anymore.
And that's where their friendship started.
A year passed by, they're in the fourth year and they were still inseparable.
Although Jimin is still like before— being quiet and timid, he isn't drinking alcohol and he's not smoking anymore. He changed. When he's with Jungkook, he can be bubbly and jolly with the older. He is happy when he's with him.
He can't imagine a life without Jungkook.
One night, while walking home from school, Jungkook asked Jimin about his plans after graduating. They're side by side, the breeze of the wind hitting their skins, stars starting to show up.
Jimin saw a nearby bench and sat in there, and the latter followed him.
“I want to pursue college because I want to be a lawyer! How about you?”
“I want to be a pilot!”
Jimin looked at him with awe but at the same time he had that teasing smile.
“Oh, you want girls to be head over heels for you?” Jimin said teasing but Jungkook pouted while shaking his head.
Jungkook is older but he is the one acting like a baby and Jimin loved that.
“No, I think I'm going to be single until my 30's.”
Jimin can't help but to laugh.
“You are a joke, don't fool me. Girls are gushing over you, you'll be married at the age of 26!”
But Jungkook continued to shake his head, refusing.
“Nah, I will be single until you get yourself a certain someone.. I want you to be married first.” Jungkook answered that it made Jimin nudge the older one in the shoulder.
“Stop! I'll be alone until I get old!” Jimin joked as he got up from the bench and started walking away from Jungkook with a silly smile on his face. The older followed him as they both burst into laughter.
But Jungkook spoke, which made Jimin stop walking and face the older.
“Let's just make a deal.”
“Huh?”
Jungkook held his hand as he looked at Jimin in the eyes.
“If we still don't get married when we're already 30, let's just marry each other instead, deal?”
Jimin just laughed and took his hand away from Jungkook. He lightly slapped his face and ran away from him.
But that idea made Jimin all warm, he knows his cheeks were already bright red. He felt butterflies dancing inside his stomach.
Do I like him?
Jimin started to question himself.
As days went by, Jimin started to realize that what he feels is not purely just platonic.
He likes Jungkook.
No, he loves Jungkook.
Jimin was ready to confess one day, he ran as fast as he could to catch the older. But when he saw Jungkook, he was with Mina, the student council's president. He saw how big Jungkook's smiles were, they're talking like nobody is around the both of them.
Instead of running towards him, he ran to the comfort room and locked himself inside a cubicle. He looked at his scars and remembered that he was ruined.
At that moment, Jimin realized that he was nothing compared to her and Jungkook doesn't deserve someone like him.
So he continued acting like the friend that he was to Jungkook.
He pretended like nothing is wrong but the truth is as day goes by, his love for Jungkook is growing more and more.
So he thought of staying away from the older. He thought of distancing himself because his heart is starting to hurt.
The feeling of pain when he was still a kid torments him again but in a different way. So he decided to do it.
He purposely avoided the latter for weeks. Jungkook tried to reach him out by texting him, during lunch breaks he's always outside of his room, during dismissal he would wait for him at the gate but Jimin uses the back gate to go home.
Jimin thought that's the good thing to do but he felt like he's just tormenting himself even more.
But the pain he felt was added with anger when his mother texted him that she's moving out and decides to marry another man. It felt like he's all alone again.
So he cried his heart out.
He saw the blade near his bathroom sink and did his usual doings before.
The first time Jimin cried is when he saw his mother getting beaten up by his father.
This is the second time. And it's because of Jungkook.
That night, he walked outside and went to the park wearing a hoodie and jersey shorts, a can of beer and a cigarette in his hand. He puffed as he looked at the starry night sky.
He was ready to drink and puff another hit when someone just took the can of beer and threw the cigarette from his hand.
It was Jungkook.
“Jimin, what are you even doing? I told you to stop drinking and smoking! It's not good for your health!” Jungkook shouted, he's out of breath it looks like he ran miles away.
“You kept on ignoring me! Why are you doing this Jimin?!”
Jungkook's eyes went wide as he saw Jimin's yellow hoodie covered in blood. Jungkook lifted it up and he looked horrified as he saw the newly fresh wounds that were made by a blade.
But Jimin just laughed sarcastically and looked him in the eye, he pushed him back. He can't help himself but shed a tear.
“Who even the fuck are you to say something like that? You have no rights to tell me what should I do with my own fucking life! I can handle myself and I don't need someone like you! Leave me alone!” Jimin shouted back while his eyes were closed, his hands were trembling.
It's his second time shouting at a person, and it's Jungkook again.
He opened his eyes with tears in it, the moment their eyes met, he saw the 16 years old Jungkook that he met last year.
Hurt is visible in his eyes but guilt can't even reach the pain that Jimin is feeling.
Jimin is pushing him away for his own good. He wants the best for Jungkook. And his pride swallowed him. It won over him.
He ran away as fast as he could and as soon as he reached his house, he locked himself inside his room. That night, he cried himself to sleep.
Tomorrow morning, unlike before, there's no sign of Jungkook. And Jimin just lived like he used to before.
A month has passed and graduation is near but there's still no sign of him. Jimin can't help but to admit that he misses him so when their dismissal hits he goes to Jungkook's room. He was about to look inside when he heard a group of students talking in the hallway.
“I still can't believe it. Jungkook is sick. He was taken to Seoul last week because he needs chemotherapy.”
“He looks healthy, I feel bad for him.”
Jimin felt like his stomach was turning upside down, he wanted to puke, so he went to the comfort room and vomited. Tears started to fall from his eyes but he managed to take out his cellphone from his pocket even though his hands were shaking like crazy.
Jimin dialed Jungkook's phone number but no one answered.
He kept on calling his number. But still, no response.
He went outside the comfort room even though his legs were trembling, he ran as fast as he could.
Jimin ran and ran and ran. And as soon as he reached Jungkook's house he knocked on the door aggressively so their neighbor approached him.
“The Jeon family moved last week, they no longer live here. They sold their house.”
“Do you know the exact place where they moved to in Seoul?”
The old woman just shook his head. And that left him with no hope. He cried as he dialed Jungkook's phone number again, but he still got no response.
He went home that night with a heavy heart. He tried dialing Jungkook's number a lot of times but it's always out of coverage.
So he opened his messaging app, and texted him.
TO: JUNGKOOKIE 🍪
where are you?
Sent 10:46pm
Hoping that the latter will answer. He waited until dawn, but the word seen didn't even show up. So he cried himself again to sleep.
Tomorrow morning, the moment he opened his eyes he finds his phone, he opened it and saw a reply from Jungkook.
FROM: JUNGKOOKIE 🍪
i'm fine. i'll be home soon. wait for me, okay?
Received 08:41am
Jimin trusts Jungkook so he waited. He will wait even if it'll take long.
A week has passed, Jimin is messaging Jungkook with texts and voicemails nonstop, asking about how he was, if he takes his breakfast lunch and dinner in time, and proceeds talking about how his day went through, even shared that he made a friend named Taehyung. Even if he didn't receive a single reply, he didn't stop because he's holding to what Jungkook just said.
He misses him so much. He misses his home so much. He misses his warmth, his pretty eye smile, his scar on his left cheek, his bunny teeth, his big nose and his beautiful thin lips. He miss the sound of his laugh, the out of tune sound of his voice whenever he tries to sing, he miss how Jungkook gushes over his favourite boy band, he miss how the older would tease him about his small hands, he miss how they would always walk side by side on their way home, he miss how they would always see the stars together but he would always say that clouds are still the best. He miss how Jungkook would take pictures of whenever he's dozing off during class, he miss how the latter would bring food at school for them to do a mini picnic in the field, he miss how Jungkook would always scold him whenever he tries to drink and smoke, he miss how he would always be there when he needed someone the most. He misses Jeon Jungkook.
But something that Jimin didn't want to hear happened. During their flag ceremony. One day, early in the morning.
“Jeon Jungkook of 4th year Section B died yesterday morning due to lung inflation, it has said that the kid was diagnosed with cancer last year. We're all here gathered to pray for his soul and to at least give his family help in their financial crisis...”
The teacher in front continued with his speech but Jimin could just hear muffled voices, he felt like his heart was starting to beat slowly and it hurts. He couldn't help himself and started to run outside the school premises.
He ran and ran and ran until he couldn't feel his limbs and legs anymore. Jimin stumbled on the park that they used to walk by when they're walking home from school.
The sky started to get dim, the uproar of thunder and the rain started pouring hard. It felt like the clouds could feel what he's feeling right now. He looked up at the sky and remembered Jungkook's love for clouds.
He bawled his eyes out, the pain, the guilt and regret. Jimin started to blame himself. That it's his fault.
Jimin can't even get up to go to school. His mother even went to their house to check up on him but she couldn't even talk to him.
So he tried to end his life— multiple times. But he ended up failing as he heard Jungkook's voice over and over again.
“You need to live. You must live.”
Jimin always ends up in his bed, crumpled like a paper, as he always cries himself to sleep. With a picture of Jungkook beside him.
A week has passed, Jimin heard that the final day had come and he would be buried underneath. It hurt him even more that he hasn't been able to touch, to hold, and to hug Jungkook in his last hours and he hasn't even told the older how much he loves him and how much he means to him. He didn't have the chance to tell that he was thankful that he came into his life. The pain was unbearable because he should know, he must've known that he is already hurting that time. Jimin felt like he's useless.
So he cried again, even though he feels like the water in his body is already out of order. He feels drained but he can't stop.
He hates himself.
“I killed Jungkook...” Jimin mumbles that in repeat, his tears won't stop from falling. He starts to hurt himself. Luckily that afternoon, Taehyung was there so he cried with him as he hugged the other.
“No, you didn't. Stop, Min. Jungkook wouldn't like this..” Taehyung whispered and that made him stop. But Jimin stares at the picture placed in his bed nightstand, and there he continues to wail, hearing his screams, the pain is evident. All Taehyung did was hug his friend until he fell asleep from crying.
Jimin opened his eyes and saw himself in the park that they used to stay at. And he was shocked to see Jungkook walking towards him so he immediately ran and hugged him.
Jimin cried as he said 'sorry' multiple times.
“Sorry, and I missed you..” He uttered but Jungkook just caressed his face.
“I missed you too. But you need to wake up from this dream, Jimin. I'll be waiting for you behind the clouds.”
“What? No! I will no longer leave you again!”
“Live the life that we dreamed of. I'll be watching you.” Jungkook starts to fade and Jimin's grip on his hand gets even tighter but he's slowly drifting away.
“N-No! No!”
“I love you.”
“Jimin!”
Jimin wakes up from his deep slumber with his eyes soaking wet from the tears. He clutched his chest as he felt the pain lingering more in his heart. He cried on Taehyung for the last time that night.
Tomorrow morning, it's like nothing happened. Jimin continued with his life, he continued being the cold and timid guy that he is but he's not closing the door for new friends. As he entered college, he gained more friends and realized that people isn't that bad to begin with. You just need to choose and be true to yourself. You'll know if someone is sincere towards you.
It has been 4 years and Jimin is doing great in his life. He is still in touch with Taehyung but the guy was already married so they see each other not that much often unlike before.
“Mr. Park, don't you want to date? You've been single for years! Cut some slack!” Yeji, his colleague that he's friends with, joked but he just laughed in response.
“I'm not interested.”
“Okay, just text me whenever you're ready!” Both of them laughed as they got out from the airport. It's been a long day and all he wants to do is rest.
Jimin is now a pilot. He knows that he wants to be a lawyer, but he wants to fulfill his first love's dream.
And also to be able to feel that he's always near him by seeing the clouds everyday.
Jimin is now 21 and Jungkook is still 17 when he finally reaches the clouds.
If only I can turn back time.
If only fate was a little bit kinder to us, we would've been the best.
Jimin smiled as he looked up at the sky.
“I'll find you behind the clouds, Jungkook.”