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Lamb had always been too selfish for his own good, he never took his blessing as anything but a curse, and he really didn't deserve simple pleasure after everything, after what he did to Caldega, but he returned here, he was never supposed to return, the Grove, where it all started, his ¨childhood¨ home, if you could call it that.
He was surprisingly lonely here, its been a long time since he last felt lonely, his father was burdened by the same curse he was, always needing to move, never stop, never stay, there was nobody here but him but it was still so alive, Lamb could run his fingers down the engravings on the wall and not feel a fleck of dust, and he did, beautiful enchanted wood, a respite from the cobbled together castle walls, with no castle to speak of, Safe even here.
But although he was lonely Lamb knew he wasn't alone, he could feel Her, in the center, heart beating under the floorboards, under the garden, and at the base of his skull, nothing had truly changed, nothing has changed in the past millennia, was that because of Her? Did She miss him, need to pretend nothing changed to survive, be happy? She always loved to worm Herself inside his head, he loved Her but She never gave him the choice of being without Her while he was here, he doesn't think She could make that choice either.
Why didn't you return earlier?
¨I should've, I'm sorry¨
As expected, back in his head, like an itch, but just as much as itch Caldega was, its appreciated, he needs it now more than ever.
Lamb unarmored himself, he packed his weapons away, he doesn't have to feel scared here, does not have to watch his back, does not have to hear the crunch of stepping on broken glass, a foul reminder of when it all went wrong, he can breathe, as much as he doesn't need to, and he can relax, just exist, he rarely gives himself these small pleasures but he needs it now more than anything, he wishes She could relax the same way he could, if She could have such simple human pleasures, She wasn't made by his mother for a happy existence, just ¨survival¨, neither of the people not having the choice to die in this room was a gift.
I would have helped you, I would have kept you safe, I would have helped you kill him
¨I know, I'm so sorry¨
-
He spends most his time here at the beach, letting the blue iridescent healing waves lap at his legs, the pufferfish circling around his body, giving him little kisses, so kind, forgiving him soul and body of everything that happened before, the serene beat of Her had only grown stronger, She's angry at him, he left without saying goodbye, She was just as dependent on him as he was of Her, She could've saved him if he wasn't so fucking proud of himself, if he wasn't so weak, he let others die for that, it was never worth it, the only deaths at his hands being ones he never wanted, and again that voice reminds him of every mistake.
You let Caldega die, you killed her, and you couldn't even snap the bird's neck? You showed mercy to make a woman you loved happy, a woman you later killed yourself, you accomplished nothing, you are a shell of a man, she loved you, she would have forgiven you, Redd would have forgiven you.
The waves grow stronger with her words, ¨Redd would have forgiven you¨ the waves are no longer a numb comfort, splashes of salt water cutting at him like blades, just like her blade, he still lays here, they are still healing his weak body, he just has to pay for the service now, in the end does he deserve better? The waves hurt less than that concept, Forgiveness, he wishes it wasn't true, he wishes they all hated him.
The pufferfish vacate, they don't want too see this, he cant blame them, it is just him, Her, and that cruel, cruel ocean, if anyone or anything's watching this they are as still and cold as Lamb is, barely there.
She didn't even have a burial, in these years have you forgotten how important it was all? Everything I taught you? Everything you taught me?
¨There wasn't time for a burial¨ he said, turning on his side and grasping at the sand, a weak attempt at physical contact, crushing shells under his cracked nails ¨We died together, Nao struck me down in the same moment¨ he tries not to think about it, he is just talking, he can vacate his mind and let this happen while watching from the clouds, he is physically here but he doesn't have to be mentally
So all of your friends, your family, killed each other or themselves, is that what you wanted? Do you think that's what Nao wanted?
¨No, it wasn't, she wouldn't have forgiven me for failing them all, I can't blame her, I wouldn't either¨ Every shell is sand now, grinded in his hands, he doesn't flinch when he feels a squishing sensation, a pop.
Lamb gradually stands up, hard to find your grounding on wet, wine stained sand, he isn't even fully healed, he knows he should stay longer, but something tells him he has to go, he can't stay here forever, though he wishes he could, he isn't crying, this is not a nightmare, this is real and he needs to ground himself, he is okay, he needs to sleep.
-
Pop, Pop, Pop
She missed him
She missed him
He missed her
She missed him
She missed him
Pop, Pop, Pop
-
Lamb regrets not staying longer at the beach when he wakes, his heart is still exposed, the weak thing that ruined him in the end, it's back to its healthy green hue, no longer a rotten husk, yet he can see the taint in the center slowly running through his veins, He needs to leave. He needs to leave or he will die, he's allowed himself to stay too long, it was selfish, it was selfish and his Blessing will kill him if he doesn't leave.
So he spends his last day in the gardens, gently harvesting flowers, cutting them off the vine, the one thing he won't destroy, offerings for Her, cheap apologies he knows She will accept. Washing his hands in the pond when the stick of honey, pollen, and blood from rose pricks on his hands becomes too much, he wants to be clean again, he doesn't want to think about the last time his hands were stained this red, his failures. If he looks hard enough into the lake he can See her, just like a blood shark circling around him.
He reaches into the water, throwing the roses and daffodils in the water, floating gently on the surface, draining of their colour, he holds her hands, he can't tell if the crying face is him or Her, if it's a reflection or Her beautiful apparition, if there's any physical difference between the two anymore, he doesn't remember what he looks like, he imagines too gentle to recognize anymore, too Clean.
¨You were right, I do need you, I've always needed you, ever since we were children, it's all my fault it's gone wrong, I caused this¨ he is not crying, these words do not sound like broken glass ¨I am so sorry, I should've died here with you, at least it wouldn't have been alone, at least I wouldn't have had to go through all this shame¨
He can feel water gently lapping at his face, whether she's holding him or he's fallen in is not something he is brave enough to open his eyes to figure out, for now he sighs in the comfort of the warm water, the waves are no longer angry, docile, tamed.
I am sorry too, I should have never reacted the way I did, you survived so long without me, so many have, I just want what's best for you, I just missed you, it's been so lonely here, I've been so scared
¨You don't have to be lonely, I can't stay, but you can come with me?¨ He gently intertwines his fingers with the hands on his face, opening his eyes despite the burn from the water, to look at Her ¨We could be together again, you could meet others, you wouldn't have to be lonely ever again, they could take care of you, feed you¨
And you would help protect me too? Face the consequences? The costs? I am not painless to love
¨Yes, neither am I, whatever it takes¨
-
The nagging feeling at the back of Lambs skull from when he first entered the grove grows to a slicing sensation, like he can feel Her crawling inside his body, he knows there's no wound, she doesn't want to hurt him, she never wanted to hurt him, the pain leaves as quick as it came
Dully he realizes he cant breathe in this water anymore, he is too alive now, he needs to breathe, all he sees before he forces himself out of the water, out of Her fainting grasp, is a faint green glow emanating from his body and shining onto the scales of the fish in the pond, unimaginably bright, when he's laying on the dirt, coughing all the water out of his weak lungs, he reaches back behind his neck and feels it, feels Her, together again with him,
forever worth the cost.
¨forever worth the cost¨