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It wasn’t something I had ever known. At least not before him. The way the light faded from his eyes, and the ghosts of his past haunted their blue depths. Every time I bore witness to it my heart ached with the undefinable before I could prevent it.
Our paths crossing were unexpected, that is for sure. Unpredicted yet miraculously true in route. Mysterious at first really when I’d looked upon him. Oh how little I knew then what would become of us.
James. A simple, traditional, five lettered Midgardian name. It's so unlike my own, yet I can't help but appreciate it on my tongue.
The man himself is far from simple though. He is his own entirely unexplored realm. One I'd kill for if allowed to fully view its hidden wonders. That's assuming I wouldn't do it now already.
Still, he hides from me. No matter how many drinks we share or how many laughs are brought forth, James shields the deepest parts of his soul from my eyes. How many times I've longed to press my powers gently onto him I won't disclose, but I've wanted it more than anything else in years.
The true horror is it's not even for my own personal satisfaction. A rarity I know. All I want is to embrace this beautiful man with every fiber of my existence, which means everything that makes him him. Cold, dark corners I've yet to glimpse into included.
Cold. Dark. They are words, definitions, one would use for James if they hadn't grown to know him like I have this last year. Metal barrier or not, the heat of his bare body pressed against mine is telling. He's good.
Four letter words haunt me now. Love. One word I've looked down upon from as early as memory can recall. Fairy tales, holding hands while riding into the sunset, and happily ever after? The ideas that lay behind that emotion are absurd.
James seems to agree. Unfortunately really as it didn't help my case at all like I'd hoped it would. I refuse to believe in such nonsense no matter the urge in my chest. The idea of wanting to give anyone your everything and putting them above all else, including yourself? It goes against my entire personality.
However, here I am. Night after night bringing James into my bed, willing it to never end so he might never leave the safety of my haven. My throat can constrict at the thought of watching him walk out the door with only the promise of tomorrow. Something my lack of trust doesn't allow me to take comfort in. It leaves me soaking up each stroke of my fingers through his long brown hair, lulling him to sleep beside me.
Legs tangled together? Arms wrapped around one another in the shower? The moisture of his breath hitting my cheek?
It's capturing. James is capturing by merely existing. Distance holds no weight between us now that I've felt him. I've tried.
I fear what I feel, especially in those moments we are apart. Naming it can't possibly bring anything good to the already existing comfort we have created together. How am I to deny the thing wrapping around us so rapidly now though as it squeezes my lungs?
Perhaps there is still time James can escape my mind, a realm I unknowingly allowed him into. A realm suddenly holding onto the hope of change like the claws of a newly awoken beast. Odin knows he isn't fond of change after all. Besides, is it even possible for someone to love me, the way I love him?