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Noriaki Kakyoin was a simple individual. He didn’t need much to be happy. Just him, Hierophant, and his swamp - there was nothing else that he needed. It had always been that way, and it always would be that way. This was one of the truths of the universe, and he found it comforting to know that. Of course, all of this changed when he acquired the fucking donkey.
It’s a day like any other. He’s walking through the marketplace, his signature bang waving in the breeze as his macaroni-shaped ears bend to listen in to the noises around him. The sky is a peaceful blue, the sun is out, and everything is idyllic. Except - the merchants in the next line, and the donkey they’re selling, a petrified, ugly little thing. He has white hair that somehow exists as a pillar, almost a foot above his actual head, and the biggest blue eyes Noriaki has ever seen.
And he’s terrified, which is the worst part. For all the rumours that exist about Noriaki being a person with a heart of stone, he can’t look away when the creature freaks out, trying to run away and somehow spilling a potion on himself that makes him levitate above the crowd. Unfortunately, the effect wears off, and the crowd descends on the poor bastard of a donkey, yelling, “SEIZE HIM!”
Noriaki can’t stand and watch. He grabs the donkey by the ears and begins to run, before hitching the donkey up and holding him like a baby. He runs all the way back to his swamp. All through, the donkey keeps up an incessant steam of chatter, speaking with a French accent and interjecting his English with what Noriaki assumes are French idioms and metaphors. Great, a bilingual talking donkey. And he’s French.
The donkey introduces himself as Jean-Pierre, and Noriaki realises that he just isn’t going to go away. It’s fine. He can make his peace with it. Even if the donkey chatters enough for a million people, Noriaki is an ogre made of patience, of layers like onions. He is strong and will not crumble. A donkey who loves to talk about his motherland is not going to be the chink in his armour.
The donkey, sadly, isn’t the worst part of the week. The worst part of the week is waking up to find his swamp - Noriaki’s swamp, meant for Noriaki and Hierophant only, everyone else can fuck right off - full of little fairy tale creatures. When asked how to get rid of them, he is asked to take it up directly with Lord Dio. When he goes to Lord Dio, Polnareff in tow, because the donkey will not cease following him. To his horror, Lord Dio does not just give him back his swamp. He strikes a deal.
Dio is beautiful, but small. There’s no tactful way to put it - he’s a tiny little firecracker of a man. Were the circumstances different, Noriaki might indulge in daydreams of kissing him, seeing if his lips were as soft as they looked, but things being as they were, Noriaki was rather pissed off with the man, and would’ve thrown him into a live volcano if he could get away with it.
Instead, he resignes himself to a quest, to finding Princess Jotaro, and bringing her back to Lord Dio, Polnareff in tow.
Noriaki has never had a friend like Polnareff before. Maybe he’s never had a friend at all, other than Hierophant. But it’s equal parts jarring and endearing. Polnareff sings offkey as they walk over to find Princess Jotaro, and shares anecdotes which Noriaki isn’t sure whether he believes or not about life in France. Still, it’s comfortable, oddly so. Noriaki has never expected to have a friend, especially not a talking donkey. But that’s life. It throws curveballs all the time.
When they finally chance upon the castle, Noriaki almost considers giving up and heading back to his swamp and living with all the fairy tale creatures. However, he is Noriaki Kakyoin, and Noriaki Kakyoin never gives up. He marches in with Polnareff, who is shivering, afraid of heights, needing Noriaki to coax him across a bridge.
Well, Noriaki can do that. He hates babies and babylike behaviour, but the donkey is now his closest friend, so he didn’t have too much of a choice.
When they enter the castle, a large dragon walks up to them. The dragon has big brown eyes, and a necklace with golden coins of some sort around his neck. He spends a moment staring at the two of them, and then he bellows, in a deep baritone, “MAGICIAN’S RED!”
Noriaki gasps as a stand emerges from the dragon, a large phoenix made of fire and anger. More surprising is the way Polnareff charges at the dragon. “I can handle this alone, Kakyoin!” he says, cheerfully. “It’s the honourable way!” To Noriaki’s extreme surprise, Polnareff has a stand of his own.
“SILVER CHARIOT!” he yells, and a cute, metallic knight of sorts appears, wielding a sharp sword.
Noriaki will not look a gift horse (or well, a gift donkey) in the mouth. He dodges the mess of battle and runs up the stairs, not even looking back when he hears Polnareff yell “WHAT? KEEP YOUR MUTT AWAY FROM ME! YOU DISHONOURABLE COW!” and the dragon, reprimanding and firm, says, “IGGY!”
It doesn’t matter who Iggy is, Noriaki decides. His job is to rescue Princess Jotaro. She’s in the highest room, in the tallest tower. He runs up the stairs, stopping for a moment to take in the sight. He can see the tallest tower, and the highest room, and he can see a figure peering out, a black hat perched on their head, a beautiful green gown stretching out behind them, and a melancholic look in their eyes. Is this Princess Jotaro? She’s captivating, spellbinding, and she is in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Noriaki paces up the stairs, trying not to listen to the voice in his head that reminds him that he is an ogre, that he is undesirable and unattractive and someone as beautiful as Princess Jotaro would never want to accompany him anywhere. It’s fine, he thinks. He’s delivering her to Lord Dio.
He finally slams the door open, and lying there, on the bed, lips pursed like she’s expecting a kiss, is Princess Jotaro. Noriaki leans over, and puts a hand on her shoulder. When that doesn’t do the trick, he shakes her firmly.
“Oi, princess,” he says. “Get up and get going.”
Jotaro opens her eyes. “Tch. Aren’t you going to kiss me?”
Noriaki splutters. “And why would I do that?”
Jotaro looks almost hurt, but it flickers away. “That’s what you’re supposed to do. You win over the dragon, you subdue the beast, and you come up here, and you kiss me, and you break the Joestar curse with the power of true love.” She blushes, or at least, Noriaki thinks it’s a blush - her skin’s too dark for him to really be able to tell. “That’s what Mom always said.”
“Well, my donkey’s handling everything,” Noriaki says. “And as far as we’re concerned, I’m just the delivery boy. I’ll help you find your way to Lord Dio…. he’s your true love, not me. I’m certain of that.”
Jotaro sighs. “Yare yare daze,” she grumbles, pulling her hat down. “Alright then, lead the way.”
When they make their way down, Noriaki is horrified to find that Polnareff and the dragon seem engaged in a heart to heart. They are also cuddling. Polnareff seems visibly smitten, so much so that he hasn’t noticed a little dog who is chewing on the ends of his tail.
“Polnareffff,” Noriaki says, intending to warn his first friend of the predicament that has befallen him.
Ignoring the distress in his tone, Polnareff jabbers excitedly, “Did I introduce you to Avdol? He’s the love of my life! We’re getting married in December!”
Jotaro grumbles something that Noriaki doesn’t catch, looking irritated. Noriaki clears his throat.
“Come on, now,” he says to Polnareff. “We have a job to do.”
“Can Avdol come along?” Polnareff asks.
“No,” Jotaro says.
“Why not?” Polnareff asks sulkily.
Jotaro shrugs. “It’s an unwritten rule. Wouldn’t want him getting into trouble. Or you getting into trouble.”
Polnareff sighs sadly, nuzzling Avdol. “I’ll miss you, mon cher.”
Avdol says something equally sappy, and then Polnareff looks away to see the dog chewing his tail. “IGGY!” he screeches.
It’s the first time Noriaki hears Jotaro laugh. She has a lovely laugh, soft and delicate, warm cadence like the rustling of the first leaves falling in Autumn. Noriaki wants to hear her laugh all the time - but he banishes that thought to the back of his mind. Ogres like him don’t get happy endings. Jotaro is Dio’s betrothed. Noriaki is just the delivery boy.
The remaining trek back to Lord Dio’s mansion is weirdly pleasant.
Jotaro is good company. She’s not reserved and polite like he’d expect a princess to be. She has a dirty mouth, and her burps are not superficial, coming deep from her belly, a trait that all ogres find sexually appealing (and Noriaki is no different.) She knows a lot about marine life, and talks about getting a PhD sometimes, but it’s always in the dead of night, from behind a closed door, when nobody other than Noriaki is there to hear her admit it.
He doesn’t get her. Jotaro’s powerful and beautiful and so bold and empowered; why would she sit around and wait for someone to rescue her, when she could very well take care of herself? He remembers that she mentioned a curse, but he doesn’t ask. It’s not his business.
And if he ends up falling in love with her, well, that’s his loss, isn’t it? His heartbreak and his problem. Because Jotaro, with her beautiful eyes and genuine laughter and her sincerity, Jotaro who indulges Polnareff and falls asleep on Noriaki’s shoulder and helps him cook breakfast in the mornings, Jotaro who loves fishing and hates hunting and climbs apple trees and throws down the fruit - Jotaro feels like his best friend. He’s never had a best friend, other than Hierophant.
He’s going to miss her, when she ultimately marries Dio. That hurts; the knowledge that Dio can do all the things for Jotaro that Noriaki will never be able to do. Dio can make her happy. What can Noriaki do? He can make her dinner. He doesn’t have much to offer, especially not as much as an actual king.
For the first time since the quest has started, he’s not thinking about his swamp. He’s thinking about the soft curl on Jotaro’s forehead, sticking out from under her cap. He longs to touch it, to push it out of her eyes. He wants to kiss her. So he steels himself, and finds the prettiest sunflower he can find. And he waits by her door, about to knock, but then he hears the words, “Princess and Ugly can’t go together, that’s why I can’t stay here with Noriaki,” and he feels his heart break. He hears Polnareff say something, but he can’t listen, can’t be there anymore. He drops his sunflower, and he walks away.
He writes a note, leaves it for Polnareff. Since apparently Polnareff and Jotaro are buddy-buddy enough to gossip about him behind his back, he’s sure they’ll be happier without him. It echoes in his head as he walks back to the swamp alone. Princess and Ugly can’t go together. He is Ugly. He knows that. But hearing it in Jotaro’s voice…. He’s never felt uglier.
The fairy tale creatures are gone, and Noriaki almost misses them. The liveliness and good cheer they’d left the swamp with, which he’d found so irritating initially, would’ve filled the silence and given him something else to think about, a distraction from his heartbreak. He sits there, alone, trying not to cry and failing. Right until Avdol, Iggy, and Polnareff break down his door.
Noriaki glares at Polnareff as he surveys the damage. “Explain yourself.”
Polnareff, surprisingly, looks equally angry. “I think you should explain yourself first, Kakyoin.”
“What?” Noriaki isn’t expecting this.
“I thought you cared about us,” Polnareff says. “About me, and about Princess Jotaro. What happened?”
“She called me ugly,” Noriaki says, petulantly. He’s aware he sounds like a little child, but he doesn’t know what he can do to change that. “The two of you were speaking about me, and that’s what she said. Don’t try and deny it. I overheard you.”
“Well, I won’t deny that she used the word ugly several times while talking to me,” Polnareff acknowledges. “But she wasn’t talking about you.”
“She wasn’t?” Noriaki blinks. “Then who - ”
“There isn’t time for this,” Polnareff says. “We have new intel. It’s coming from Joseph Joestar… you know Joseph, don’t you? Princess Jotaro’s grandfather?”
“Everyone knows Joseph,” Noriaki complains, putting his head in his hands. “What did he say?”
“That Dio has ulterior motives,” Polnareff says. “And Jotaro will not be safe with him. If Jotaro turns out to be a different person from what Dio is expecting….”
Noriaki thinks about Jotaro; brilliant, kind, creative, thoughtful Jotaro. He doesn’t want her to be in a situation where she has to pretend to be someone she isn’t just to be safe.
“So we’re going to rescue her?”
“Yes,” Polnareff says. He nudges Noriaki with a hoof, points at Avdol. “Hop on, my man will take you where you need to be. Allons-y!”
Noriaki climbs onto Avdol’s back, and so do Polnareff and Iggy. He tries not to be concerned for Jotaro, but something in his gut is telling him to be worried. Mostly, he feels guilt, and he feels responsible. He more or less abandoned her…. And she was his best friend.
Polnareff sees his expression. “Chin up, kid,” he says, gently. “Once you explain it to her, she’ll understand.”
“I really…” Noriaki shakes his head, closing his eyes. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”
“Oh, sweetpea,” Polnareff croons. “It’ll work out, I promise.”
Noriaki blinks incredulously. “Never call me sweetpea again,” he says.
But it worked; he already feels better.
Noriaki storms into the Church right before Jotaro can say “I do”, yelling, “I object!”
Jotaro looks at him with confused, hurt, horrified eyes, and Noriaki meets her gaze. He will explain this. He will fix this. He will make this right.
Dio laughs maniacally, surveying the scene in front of him. “Oh,” he says, amused. “So it appears… the ogre has fallen in love with the princess!” Next to him, a person with a nametag that says VANILLA ICE holds up a signboard that says “ENTHUSIASTIC LAUGHTER.”
“Kakyoin,” Jotaro says. She looks at him. When she gets no response, she tries again. “Noriaki.”
He looks at her.
“Is this true?” she asks.
He manages a single nod. He wants the ground to swallow him whole.
“Oh,” Jotaro says. She moves towards him, seemingly without even thinking about it. “Kakyoin, I - ”
But then, the sun goes down, and Jotaro gasps. Light spills out from around her, brighter than a thousand suns, and Noriaki remembers the curse she’d mentioned. When the light fades away, Jotaro’s still standing there, but now… her skin is green like his, and her ears are macaroni-shaped too. Princess Jotaro is an ogre.
She’s still the most beautiful person Noriaki has ever seen.
Dio doesn’t seem to think so. He sends his henchmen after Jotaro and Noriaki, an army of men forcing them apart. Jotaro winces, and summons a stand, which she calls “Star Platinum!” and Noriaki gazes at the stand in wonder. Unfortunately, Dio summons his stand, a garish thing called “The World!” which seems to be as powerful as Star Platinum.
However, Dio isn’t prepared for what ends up being the winning blow - Iggy running up to him, and biting him hard…. On the ass.
“AAAAAAH!” Dio yells. “You thought you could impale the derriere of I, Dio? You filthy mutt!”
Both Polnareff and Avdol gasp in horror.
“That’s my baby boy!” Polnareff says.
“Do not speak of our son like that!” Avdol says simultaneously.
Polnareff, Avdol, and their stands descend upon Dio, and Iggy summons his stand as well, a sand-dog whom he declares in a squeaky voice, is named “The Fool.” At this point, Iggy being able to talk barely surprises Noriaki. This is just normal now.
Once Dio has been defeated, Jotaro and Noriaki finally have their moment. Noriaki cups her face in his hands, finding her skin just as soft as he’d imagined. When he kisses her, it feels like magic and fireworks. Light spills out of her again, and he wonders if he’s broken the curse, but when the light fades away, she’s still an ogre.
“I don’t understand,” Jotaro says, looking at her hands. “I’m supposed to be beautiful.”
“But Princess, you are beautiful,” Noriaki says, earnest and sincere and not even needing to think about it. Jotaro is beautiful. Ogre or human, whatever else she could ever possibly become - she’s intelligent and funny and kind, and she’s Noriaki’s best friend. Nobody’s allowed to talk shit about Jotaro, not even Jotaro.
From the audience, there’s a loud scream of “OH MY GOD!!!!”
“What,” Noriaki murmurs to himself. “Jotaro, who is that?”
“Yare yare,” Jotaro sighs. “That’s my grandfather.”