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"Do you recall the previous winter? When we went out for drinks, that one night when I came to visit you in Finland?"
Kimi stated without glancing up from his phone, "I might be the oldest driver on the grid, but I'm not losing my memory yet.”
The two Ferrari drivers had found a table in the shade to eat lunch on the Thursday before the Malaysian Grand Prix before being hurried along to their next press engagement.
Seb had been tense in the two weeks since they left Singapore. He leapt every time his phone rang, but the names that appeared on the screen were never the ones he was hoping for. He was unable to focus on anything because his mind kept replaying the events of that evening and, in a less pleasant memory, the next morning. No matter how many times he went through it, he couldn’t make any sense of Lewis’ behaviour.
He started to write bullet points on the situation, much like he would to prepare for races, but found he was unable to concentrate at all. At that point, he realised he needed to talk to someone before things got out of hand.
“Well, then you probably also remember that I told you I felt, you know,” he lowered his voice to make sure no one overheard their conversation “..attracted to Lewis.”
“I think you actually said you wanted him to ‘hammer-time you into a mattress’ but yeah, I do.”
Seb almost choked on his water.
“Uh, that kind of happened? Though he didn’t actually ham- okay, I guess you don’t need the details. But something happened.”
He was still looking at his phone, unimpressed. “And he didn’t meet your expectations? Because you don’t look thrilled.”
“I was happy! But he wasn’t. He acted like he never wanted this and I lured him into something.”
“Did you?” He looked up and raised an eyebrow. “No! I swear I didn’t drag him into bed. I actually told him it’s a bad idea. He acted really confident and everything, but I could feel he already had an inner conflict going on.”
“Your Lewis-senses told you.”
“… My what?”
“That’s what you called it!” he said defensively and grinned like the asshole he was.
“I might have been drunk but I remember enough of that night to know I definitely never said I had… Lewis-senses.”
“You definitely did. But I think you were lying, because if you had those, you would’ve seen this coming,” he said, nodding at something behind Seb.
Seb turned in his chair, and his heart leapt in his chest. Lewis was walking towards them.
“That’s my cue to go.” Kimi took both their empty plates and headed inside the motorhome.
Lewis walked past Seb and stopped opposite of him, keeping the table between them, and watched Kimi leave. He was wearing sunglasses and had his hands in his pockets. Seb couldn’t help but wonder what Lewis would say if he knew he had just told Kimi about their night together. The last time they talked he didn’t seem too keen on other people finding out.
Lewis didn’t bother with courtesies. “We need to talk,” he said as soon as Kimi was out of sight.
Despite the fact that Seb wanted to talk as well and was happy that Lewis was prepared to do so right now, Seb wasn't yet ready to forgive Lewis for the way he treated him. "Discuss what?” he remarked, folding his arms in front of his chest, "Nothing happened, right?"
But Lewis didn’t react like he expected him to.
Instead, he put down his sunglasses and sighed, defeated. He looked like hadn’t slept well recently and his eyes were almost pleading. “Don’t, please. I know what I said, and I’m sorry. But if you’re willing to listen, I’m here to explain myself.”
Seb's heart warmed, and he lost all desire to continue sulking.
“Alright, sit down,” he gestured towards the empty chair.
Lewis shook his head. “Not here. I’d rather talk outside the paddock.”
“Don’t you have somewhere to be? Press or something?”
“I’m officially not feeling well,” he said with the smirk of a schoolboy who was skipping class for the first time.
Seb checked the time and got up with a sigh. “I have a bit of free time left, as well. Let’s go.”
They moved out of the paddock while avoiding as many people as they could and found a peaceful area in the area of grass around the track.
Both of them initially remained silent. Seb chose to go first considering that they were running out of time.
“I obviously didn’t fall asleep that night thinking you’d wake me with breakfast and roses and confess your undying love for me the next day. But when I sleep with someone, I expect to be treated with basic respect. I don’t believe you’re an asshole, Lewis. And that’s why I don’t understand what got into you.”
With a blank expression on his face, Lewis picked up a leaf and tore it into small pieces.
Seb was slowly growing impatient. He wanted answers and not to be humiliated any further.
But when he decided to not waste any more and get up and leave, Lewis pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and silently handed it to Seb. There was a piece of tape holding it together in the centre, which indicated that it had been torn apart once and was now crumpled. He began to read what he believed to be a young boy's handwriting.
Dear Nico,
He stopped abruptly and looked up at Lewis.
“Nico? As in Nico Rosberg?”
Lewis nodded and smiled softly.
Seb bit his lower lip. He had no idea where this was leading, but it already felt way too intimate.
“Keep reading. Please.”
After a moment, he reverted his eyes back to the letter.
Dear Nico,
You probably wonder why I’m writing you a letter.
I can’t do this in person, because I’m too scared of your reaction.
You’re such a good friend.
When we’re together, I feel like I can be myself.
But lately, when you’re around and make me laugh or actually just when I think of you, I get this funny feeling.
I think it means I like you as more than just a friend-
He looked up. “I don’t… I don’t understand what this has to do with whatever got into you that weekend?”
And then he told him.
He had been doing his homework at the kitchen table and when he packed his things up and went to his room, the letter must have fallen out of the book. He didn’t notice. After a while, his father stormed into his room, furious. Lewis didn’t understand what was going on, until he saw the letter in his hand. He doesn’t remember what day it was, or what he was wearing, or what school book he had put the letter into. But he remembers every single word his father spoke to him. Everything he called him. The way he was sure he was going to hit him, though he never had done that before.
Up to that point Lewis had only been worried if his feelings would destroy their friendship or if Nico maybe even felt the same way. He hadn’t wondered for one second if it was wrong or right for him to have those feelings towards a boy. That day he learned that it was apparently all that mattered.
The letter and anything related to Lewis' sexuality were never again discussed in the years that followed. But anytime the subject of same-sex partnerships was discussed on the radio, the TV, or anywhere else, his father made sure to emphasise his distaste.
“I performed my role. had friends act like my girlfriends and other stuff. He went above and above to help me pursue my racing goals, you know? In return, I wanted to be a good son. He successfully convinced me into believing that being gay is the worst possible thing I could possibly do to him. Today, I am aware that this is untrue. I've always known that logically. But I could never truly block off his voice from my thoughts. Certainly not for very long.”
He could see that Lewis was fighting back tears. It hurt Seb to see him like that. Finally, his behaviour made sense.
“It’s suffocating,” Lewis’ breathing had become laboured and he pressed his eyes closed.
Not sure yet what Lewis’ boundaries were but wanting to help he decided to ask. “Can I hug you?”
Lewis kept his eyes closed but nodded.
Seb enveloped him, and Lewis clung to him as if he were drowning. Lewis began breathing properly once more, and Seb gently began to speak.
“Thank you for opening up to me. My parents never cared about the gender of the people I was seeing. I don’t keep my sexuality to myself because I’m ashamed, but because I like to keep private stuff private. It’s easy to forget that not everyone is that lucky. I’m so sorry he did this to you,” he pulled back to look Lewis in the eye. “There’s nothing wrong with you. And you shouldn’t be going through this alone. The next time the voice gets too loud and you feel like it’s suffocating you, call me. When it comes to this, I can be your teammate.”
Lewis’ face was overflowing with emotions.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
Seb smiled and they settled into a comfortable silence.
He debated whether or not to mention that going to a therapist would likely be beneficial, but he made the decision to save the topic for another time. He didn't want to betray their newly gained trust because he knew that mental health was a sensitive topic for many individuals.
He texted Britta a quick message asking her to cancel on wherever he had to be next. He wouldn’t come back to happy faces, but no interview could be more important than this right now.
After a while, his curiosity got too strong and he blurted out a question that had been wandering around his mind since he read the letter. “Did you ever tell him?” Lewis furrowed his brows. “Nico, I mean. Did you ever tell him about your feelings?”
Lewis let out a startled laugh. “Yeah, I did. When we became teammates back in 2013 and I had been over it for a long time. We had a good laugh about it and he teased me for a while. That’s it,” he grinned. “You’re the only blonde German F1 driver I’ve ever kissed, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
Seb laughed and hoped his cheeks weren’t looking as flushed as they felt. “So you weren’t in fact having passionate hate-sex last season?”
That was the first time that day he heard Lewis laugh whole-heartedly and sincerely. “Nah. There were definitely going on some dirty things in that title fight, but secret blow-jobs sadly weren’t one of them.”
When they couldn’t put it off any longer without risking being declared missing, they returned to the paddock. Before going back to their respective motorhomes, Seb pulled Lewis into another quick hug and told him to call whenever he needed someone to talk.
“I will”, Lewis said. “And whenever I need something else from you.”
The wink that followed had Seb grinning and blushing for the rest of the day.
Even when Britta told him off for vanishing.