Work Text:
rui was losing control.
every day he would space out more often and just daydream. which per se is not a bad thing as he enjoys it. yet large chunks of his day would be entirely missing by the end of it, leaving him guessing as to what he did that day. this led to many things being forgotten. and him doing things yet having no recollection of actually doing so. it was scary, but he hadn't grown too concerned over his behaviour until he spaced out while on his couch. an eerily similar situation to the one just a week or so ago, yet this time he didn't even know he was in the bathroom. rui was convinced he was still laying on his couch, staring at the ceiling and the various trinkets across his room. only a couple of seconds later did he think that some time may have passed. he looked down at his wristwatch when-
his entire arm was covered in uneven, eccentric cuts. rui didn't have a clue as to why. just that a few seconds ago his arm was completely fine. when did- how did he- how was he supposed to cover this up-?! his sleeves are not nearly long enough for this. fuck. this was very bad. sure the whole 'didn't even notice he was cutting' thing was bad, but it's even worse if others find out he does. rui rushes into the bathroom to clean it up, noting the few droplets of blood onto the floor from before- presumably when he was returning from the bathroom? either way, he runs to clean them up because they do not look good. he doesn't think he's ever cut this deep.
the water runs down his wrist and forearm- fuck the entire arm is covered from the elbow to the hand- but he does relish in the way it looks. deep vermillion turning a pale salmon colour as the water's stings run through his spine. he'd never cut this deep before but god does he love it. if only he'd been aware of it while he was doing it- which is the only issue he has with this newfound problem. also the fact that he is not aware of consequences such as someone discovering his wounds while he is making them. thankfully, as he is cleaning up the arm with a towel he is struck with a great idea.
rui owns theatrical makeup, as he often uses it to mimic the characters he plays as. there is a shade that almost perfectly matches his pale skin, so he could absolutely use it in the morning to cover them up. sure, he's running the risk of infection but he'd rather deal with that at this point that someone seeing the mess he'd made of his arm. problem solved! or so he thought.
this kept happening over and over. even at school once, which made him have to actually roll down his sleeves. and god was it sometimes scary if he was performing or practicing, wondering if anyone could notice the bumpy lines that were carefully covered with makeup. rui doesn't think he's ever felt this anxious. no matter what he kept thinking that someone could see, someone saw them. this is what he thought as he was walking home from school, going back home only to prepare for practice with his friends again. at least that he could look forward to.
but .. when he arrived home.. it was night? and he was already in his casual clothes.. what happened? wasn't it still day? then it clicked.
he had forgotten everything that happened when he got home, got ready, went to practice, and now he was back.
rui couldnt even- have this small fucking thing, one of the few things that bring him any sort of joy because he couldn't remember. what if they told him to do something? checking his phone, he hadn't written down any notes or anything. should he message someone? but it was already.. what time was it..? checking the wrist watch, noting that he had to take off his makeup now that he was home, it was 11pm. wasn't practice usually at 7pm? and lasted at most until 9pm? what had he been doing these last two hours? he couldn't even begin to guess.
nene is awake at this time usually, he could ask her. plus he doesn't think she would mind.
rui: hey nene was there anything you or the rest asked me to make or prepare ?
nene: no i dont think so hopefully not bc i dont remember it lol
rui: okay okay tyy good night !!!
nene: gn rui :p seeya tmrw
thank god.
still, he couldn't remember a thing. no matter how much he tried to, it was an entire blank. rui's day by day was almost empty, only a few snippets of his day were present in his memory. he doesn't remember what he ate today. or yesterday. he wasn't hungry, so supposedly he ate something? he couldn't even enjoy food if he forgot eating it at all. he couldn't enjoy hanging out with his friends and bandmates. he couldn't enjoy the fresh pain and adrenaline of cutting himself, only the faint sting after and having to clean up the mess. he couldn't enjoy or remember a single thing. what kind of life was that?