Work Text:
for the past entire week he had been trying to take control back. he couldn't live like this, he can't! yet no matter what he did he'd look down and both his arms would be covered in unsightly cuts, he would have forgotten about any plans he made, forget he went to school, sometimes he wouldn't even eat the entire day until his body told him so via a loud growl. rui was no longer able to control his body for his body defied his wishes now. he didn't know why. why. why?! it was too cruel. the entire day would pass without him knowing.
some of his bandmates had actually caught on to his spaced out behaviour and talked to him about it during it. them talking to him about it helped him get back to reality a bit. he brushed it off as fatigue and the rest scolded him for not asking for a break. but he couldn't take a break. what if he skipped over an entire year or something? it sounds improbable but the thought scares him. rui's never felt so useless. he's barely been conscious while doing any work for wxs. he doesn't know what he's been up to. yet after everything he doesn't feel like much has changed. sure, his friends are somewhat concerned and he's been forgetting any plans outside of wxs and school for a while now, but nothing has changed.
rui not really being 'there' in the literal sense hasn't changed a thing. rui did not make a difference if he spoke or if he did not speak. rui did not have an impact on anybody's everyday life due to this debilitating issue of his. it only bothered him. everyone else was perfectly fine without him. everyone else was perfectly fine without him. everyone else was perfectly fine without him. everyone else was perfectly fine without him. everyone else was perfectly fine without him. everyone else was perfectly fine without him. everyone else was perfectly fine without him. everyone else was perfectly fine without him.
they didn't need him.
rui stared into the bedroom ceiling, and the bedroom ceiling looked back.
rui stared into the bathroom ceiling, and it looked back too.
he looked down. he was sitting on the bathroom floor. rui was sitting in a pool of blood. he was covered in his own blood. why was he covered in blood? his vision was fading quickly. rui's never been so scared and calm at the same time. he's terrified. 'what happened?' he asked himself for the umpteenth time these last few weeks. all he knows is that there are two vertical cuts down his arms and they are bleeding profusely. rui is bleeding out. rui is bleeding out on his bathroom floor. and he has never been so afraid.
no matter how much he wanted to die, he was so scared of it. he didn't want to die like this, not when it was not under his control. he wanted help. rui desperately reached out for his phone. he needed to call someone before he passed out.
"rui? why are y-"
his voice was hoarse. was he crying?
"nene.. help. please."
his vision faded to black.
nene expected many reasons for rui to call her in the middle of the night- maybe he was overexcited about an invention and couldn't send it through text because he had too much to say. could also be that he wasn't feeling well and just wanted to hear her talk to him about a game she's playing. other times he asked her if she could come over and most of the time she's happy to oblige. one thing she could say about hanging out with her friend is that it was never boring. rui always had something to talk to her about, and nene always had something to talk to him about.
so when he called her some time after midnight asking for help then going entirely silent, she screamed at him through the phone to stay awake. looking out her window, his bathroom light was on. he was probably there then. fuck rui, what did you do..?! nene doesn't think she's ever ran this fast out her house. she had to. rui was still silent on the other end, so she tried the front door to his house. it was open- how come? rui was paranoid as hell, there was no way he could forget. she typed in the ambulance's number in advance, hoping that she wouldn't have to call them.
yet as soon as she entered the bathroom, she clicked call because rui was unconscious on the floor, both his arms cut violently. in panic and with tears threatening to fall down her eyes she explains what happened to the woman on the other side of the phone. why didn't- why didn't he tell her anything-?! rui knows he can tell her because he's talked to nene before about similar things. why?! the woman tells her to put pressure on the wounds with a towel and she does so. nene's so scared of losing him. please, rui...
help arrives, and rui is still breathing. she's so scared that he won't make it. nene's never felt this scared before. afraid. she just wants him to be okay. she just wants him to talk to her. to his other friends too- tsukasa would love to talk to him. it would be emu's greatest joy if rui asked her to hang out just to make him feel better. that's the whole point- they want to make people smile. they want to have fun and make eachother smile too. nene rides the ambulance as the emergency team tends to his wounds. one of them comforts her telling her she's done a great job. nene really hopes so. it's really loud and tense in here, but she's willing to power through it for rui.
rui awakens. he doesn't think he's ever been so happy to be alive than now. he's so glad nene got to him. though he does fantasise dying- he couldn't imagine what the afterlife would be like. what if it's just dark? what if it's an eternal engulfing void? it sounds so terrifying. and.. wonderlands x showtime? they would disband- for they'd be too sad and unable to replace him. as much as he thought and still believed they didn't need him, they care about him. he reminds himself of his birthday party. it was wonderful. rui couldn't have asked for a better birthday. it's the bitter truth- his friends love him and they won't let him go as much as he wanted them to.
his friends arrive and he barely registers anything they say. rui's just really glad they're here now.
"..even listening?!"
"nope."
"well, now you are!! did you sleep well rui??" nene tells emu to be a bit quieter, but rui doesn't really mind emu being loud at the moment.
"like a baby."
"you.. you can tell me if you're not feeling okay. please do next time." nene looked like she was a moment away from crying.
"i'm sorry, i.. i didn't mean to do it."
"how can you not mean to do it though? the cuts are vertical. that's a definite suicide attempt!"
"tsukasa i.. uh. thing is.. recently i've been essentially losing large chunks of my memory, so i do things like t-this without even realising until it's already done. i didn't even realise i was attempting suicide before i was already bleeding out."
"rui, that's.. still, you could have told me!" nene's hand holds his gently.
"by the time i was thinking about telling any of you, i'd already started forgetting anything happening even during practice with you or school. i didn't know how to because every time i met you i wasn't there mentally."
"well, we're here now! and i'm sure there's a way we can figure out how to help now that we know what the problem is!" emu was optimistic as ever. maybe it's good in a situation like this.
"i hope so too. thank you."