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Day 1
Laura met Robbie with a knowing smile as he arrived at St Mark’s.
“Where’s your better half?”
Robbie sighed in his head; if anyone was going to notice anything, it would be Laura. Well he wasn’t going to give her anything to work with. He was feeling a little mischievous this morning – last night had been ... entertaining.
“By that, you mean Sgt Hathaway?”
“I was going to say your mini–me but I didn’t think you’d get the pop–culture reference.”
“Don’t be daft woman – even I’ve seen The Italian Job.”
These days Laura was never quite sure when Robbie was taking the piss or being serious.
***
James’s reaction to Will McEwan’s body surprised both of them. Robbie wanted to go after James immediately but knew that Laura, with her sharp eyes and keen sense for things out of place, would pick up on something neither he nor James was ready to share. He would find James sooner rather than later though; the look on James’s face had him worried.
Once he’d finished up with Laura and spoken with the Reverend King, Robbie sought out James.
He found James deep in thought. Robbie’s first impulse was to sit beside him, to offer comfort, but here in the gardens they were too exposed to prying eyes.
“Were you, ah....?” Robbie had never seen James drop his guard at a crime scene. That he knew the victim was obvious but Robbie needed to find out how well; there are some cases no officer should have to work. Normally it would be straightforward, but this was James and Robbie knew it would be best to step carefully; James never spoke about his past and Robbie didn’t want to push him.
“Yeah, we were close.” Do I tell you how close? Not yet, I need to find out the why first.
“Best get off home then, there’s a conflict of interest.” He doesn’t look the best. Hard to investigate the death of someone you know.
“Were close, sir. Went to the same school together, hung out a couple of times in Oxford when I was in the Seminary. Hadn’t seen him in years.” I’m not going anywhere until I know. ‘The Garden’ – shit I thought that was long dead and buried.
“Well if you’re sure?” Maybe ask him tonight, away from all this, after dinner perhaps.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Just leave it please, sir.
As they left St Mark’s, Robbie noticed that they were walking out of step.
***
James didn’t speak as they drove to see Will’s father, Henry McEwan, staring out the side window so Robbie couldn’t see his face. He was determined to keep Robbie in the dark until he understood how much the details around Will’s death would impact on him. He wasn’t prepared to risk what they now had for a stupid mistake in his past; all Robbie needed to know was who James was now.
For his part, Robbie had learnt not to poke James too hard; though not easily offended, James was a sensitive soul and could dwell on things far too long. Robbie was certain he would find the right time.
The silence in the car was oppressive and Robbie was relieved to finally arrive at their destination. At Henry McEwan’s Robbie was taken aback to learn that not only did James know the family, he had stayed with them and, according to McEwan, Will had ‘thought the world’ of him. As he answered McEwan’s questions, Robbie found the detachment in James’s voice disturbing. He realised with a sinking feeling that he was going to have to prod – the question now was how far and how hard?
“You stayed with the family?”
“Yeah, one summer when we were 14. I should have told you, I’m sorry.”
What else are you not telling me? And why? “What did Henry mean ‘what he was doing’?”
“I think Will was gay.”
“You think?”
“Well, he didn’t wear a badge or anything but yeah, I think I could tell.”
“So was this Feardorcha his boyfriend then?” C’mon James, be honest with me. Tell me what you know.
“Maybe.” I don’t know how much of this part of my past I’m prepared to share, even with you; I hoped – prayed – this would never come back to haunt me. “Maybe that’s what caused the rift between Henry and Will.”
“What a shame. If my boy was...” Damn it, James – is this why you never speak of your family “Ah, it just wouldn’t matter.”
James wondered.
***
Back in the car, and once again James was silent, his head turned away. This isn’t like James, maybe I should send him home. When they arrived at Sadie McEwan’s, James took a moment to compose himself, which didn’t go unnoticed.
“You okay?” Just tell me if you’re not, I’m not going come down on you.
His words startled James, “Ah, yeah. It’s just, em, Will’s mum was such a lovely lady.”
Sadie McEwan remembered James fondly, “I think you were the politest boy I’ve ever met ... such a shame you and Will fell out.” That caught Robbie’s attention.
How many more secrets am I going to hear today, James? And these are such small things – if you’re hiding these, what bigger secrets are you keeping? For the first time, Robbie was starting to doubt James.
James sensed rather than saw Robbie’s reaction and spoke quickly, “It wasn’t really a falling out.”
“Oh, mothers always get the wrong end of the stick. You think you know what someone’s doing and it turns out that ... and after he met that lovely girl.”
James was surprised. “What girl was that?”
“Zoe Kenneth. She was Will’s girlfriend.”
***
As they left Sadie McEwan’s Robbie turned to James, “Girlfriend? How does that fit in?”
“It doesn’t. Will was gay.”
You’re very certain all of a sudden, lad. Less than half an hour ago you only thought he was gay.
Their discussion was interrupted by a call to Robbie – one which roused James’s curiosity.
“Everything alright?”
“Got meself a new hobby.”
“What hobby’s that then?” James barely hid the smirk in his voice.
That’s a bit more like the James I know. “Never you mind Sergeant.” You’ll think I’m mad and you’ll fuss about me back. “We all have to have our little secrets.” Let’s see how you like it.
*****
They didn’t talk that night – James told Robbie he had extra band practice and, as the day had been a bit emotional, he’d go straight home afterwards. Though Robbie suspected James was lying he wasn’t going to call him out on it – he wasn’t sure he wanted to be alone with James at the moment. Instead he found himself thinking more about the evasiveness in James, churning possibilities over in his mind. Some of his conclusions horrified him.
***
There was no practice, as Robbie had supposed. James sat at the breakfast bar as he scrolled through his phone contacts and debated on whether or not to call: he wasn’t even sure what he wanted to say.
He left a message on Feardorcha’s voicemail before tossing his phone on the bench.
James knew he should have told Robbie about the number but what was one more secret after today?
**********
Day 2
Robbie’s mystery call had been from Mr Cooper about an allotment. Robbie went to see him before heading to work, however his mind was still on James and recent events.
Mr Cooper needed to be sure Robbie knew what he was in for, though Robbie was a bit distracted. “Do you understand the responsibility of what you’re taking on? “
The allotment or James? “I do.” I think.
“It’s not one to be undertaken lightly.”
God he could be taking about me and James! “I know, I’ve been on the waiting list for over a year.” Waited for James for half that time too.
“Ah, competitive world allotmenting.”
Confusing world, sergeants who keep things hidden.
“Early retirement is it?”
“S’cuse me?”
“Your retirement, are you taking it ...?”
“Oh, no! I’m not retired, I’m just, I dunno, wanted something to do that wasn’t work.” That was before James had made his intentions clearer, though now I’m not ....
They arrived at Robbie’s allotment but before he could finish chatting with Mr Cooper he was called away. He was relieved to have a case, though his relief gave way to concern when it looked as though it could be connected to Will’s suicide.
***
“Coincidence? He’s only Vicar of St Mark’s Church where your friend..”
“ ..killed himself.”
“Yeah. The Reverend Francis King. D’you know him?”
“Yeah I did, not well. He was very active in the local church community.”
“Did you like him?”
“Bit too hang ‘em ‘n’ flog ‘em for me.”
The clues were there, though they made little sense at this stage.
Robbie pulled them together. “Firebird. Fire. Poker. Do you think there could be a connection?”
Then Laura showed them the biggest piece of evidence, painted on the back of the door:
“Life Born of Fire? What the hell does that mean?” Robbie looked at James who also appeared perplexed.
Robbie wondered.
***
James started to pack up the Reverend King’s papers as Robbie came into the room. He wasn’t happy when Robbie specifically asked him to look for the connections between Will and King but knew there was little he could do about it. He knew Robbie was sharp, far sharper than some gave him credit for, and James knew he wouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t certain the proof would be there. James would have to produce the evidence – he knew King better than he had admitted, he knew there would be something – the question was how long could he reasonably ‘delay’ finding it.
***
Will’s suicide, this case and James’s connection didn’t sit well with Robbie and while he hoped James trusted him as much as he said, he was unable to shake the feelings of doubt he had. He didn’t like the questions he’d been tossing around in his head, even less the implications. He decided that it would be best to keep as separate from James as possible during the investigation. He didn’t want to muddy the waters any more than they already were.
**********
Day 3
The investigation led them to Charlie Newton, a journalist who had written a scathing article on King the previous week. There was a reference to King being a ‘mover and shaker in their outreach programs’ and Lewis wondered aloud if it could mean ‘The Garden’. He looked to James for a response. Hathaway looked up but didn’t make eye contact with Lewis and, though it was a simple question, he didn’t give an answer; the tension Robbie saw in James’s neck and shoulders only served to reinforce his misgivings about James.
As they headed to Newton’s workplace Lewis was once again aware of how they walked. Though in step today, Hathaway was a good pace behind him and walked in the gutter even though the path was wide enough for two. It caused James to appear shorter than Lewis; it was almost as though James was trying to hide.
After speaking to Newton, who confirmed King’s connection to ‘The Garden’ and Will, they proceeded to Will’s rooms. James was more his usual self while discussing King and Lewis allowed himself to start to mentally relax; perhaps now would be a good time to try the direct approach with Hathaway.
“Just for the record Sergeant is there anything I ought to know about you and Will McEwan?” For God’s sake, look at me Hathaway.
Hathaway kept his back to Lewis, “Like what, sir?”
Lewis’ heart and hopes sank at the blankness in James voice; wrong time, wrong place. One more push.
“Anything relevant to the case?” Give me something Hathaway, anything that says you’re not evading me.
“No.” Only then did Hathaway turn to face Lewis.
So convinced was Lewis that Hathaway was hiding something crucial, he found it difficult to look at him as they continued to examine Will’s flat. In doing so, he failed to see Hathaway’s sadness at the revelation that, despite all, Will still believed.
***
They discussed the investigation while taking a break at the pub. While Hathaway had found nothing on Zoe Kenneth – ‘Will’s alleged girlfriend’ – he had discovered that Feardorcha had gone to Brazil. Hathaway theorised he might be back in Oxford though, as Lewis pointed out, his phone number hadn’t been on Will’s phone. Hathaway knew he had left it far too late to admit to Lewis that he had Feardorcha’s number; he wasn’t ready to face the questions and recriminations that would follow. Instead he volunteered to ask around Will’s friends to see if any of them had it – he knew he wouldn’t though, all he needed was to come up with a plausible explanation.
Lewis remarked that St Mark’s had reopened and wondered if James wanted to pay his respects to Will. James drained his scotch in one gulp, drawing Lewis’ attention; only then did Lewis fully take in Hathaway’s demeanour – unsure, uncomfortable, undecided – and it made him wary.
***
James informed Lewis that he had met Zoe Kenneth at the church and felt he should interview her by himself.
“Yeah, if you think that’s best.” Although Lewis agreed, he was still uncertain about Hathaway but kept his reservations to himself. As he left Hathaway in the office Lewis tapped on the box of King’s papers on his desk. “Enjoy your reading.”
What James found caused him to chase Lewis down. He handed Lewis a group photo of ‘The Garden’ and a letter to King, from Lady Hugh, removing King’s rights of attendance at Mayfield. It was proof that Charlie Newton had been right about King, but still didn’t give them a solid motive for King’s murder.
“Good work Hathaway – not James, keep it formal, he’s too close and keeping things too close – see what else you can find out.”
Lewis turned away from Hathaway, “I’m going to talk to Lady Hugh,” and failed to see the guarded expression on James’s face; he hoped the information would take Lewis’ attention off him.
***
Upon Lewis’ return, he and Hathaway brought Innocent up–to–date. Not surprisingly she had some concerns.
“Let me get this clear Hathaway: you knew Will McEwan and both his parents, as well as Feardorcha and the Reverend King?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“And you’re okay with this, Lewis?”
“Yes, Ma’am. Should I not be?”
“Conflict of interest?”
“Sergeant Hathaway assures me not Ma’am.” Lewis looked toward Hathaway. Though I do have reservations. James, please, please,prove me wrong.
Shortly after, when Hathaway informed them that he’d obtained Feardorcha’s mobile number – from Zoe Kenneth – Lewis felt a growing sense of unease; he wondered when James had learnt this. It could only have been when he met Zoe this morning – so why didn’t he say anything then? And there was something more, something about it didn’t ring true. He couldn’t quite place what it was that bothered him and so stayed silent. It would come to him.
**********
Day 4
Lewis had asked Hathaway to keep his eyes and ears open at Will’s funeral, initially trusting him to pass on any information he uncovered. However, his doubts and fears about Hathaway were growing with each step of the investigation and he found himself outside the church as the mourners were departing. James was with another man around his age, presumably another friend of Will’s. Whatever they were talking about, it was clear that Hathaway was trying to avoid it, just as he’d been avoiding Lewis. What was it about this case, about Will McEwan, that was seemingly changing Hathaway? James saw Lewis watching as he tried to walk away from Jonjo; the last thing he wanted was for Lewis to have more questions of him.
“Were you two friends?” The question had to be asked, it could change the whole context of what Lewis had just witnessed.
“Not really.” Robbie wondered how honest James’s answer was and mentally kicked himself; he didn’t like doubting James, not before and especially not now.
“He’s close to Will?”
“Yeah, very.”
“But you don’t think he’s worth interviewing?” Why do I have to drag everything out of you?
“Yeah you’re right, I should have said something before, I’m sorry.”
“It’s not like you to drop the ball.” And you’re apologising a lot these days. I wish I knew what was going on inside your head.
Robbie wanted to dig deeper with James but they were interrupted by Sadie McEwen who wanted to talk to Lewis about Will. She told them that she noticed Will had started to deteriorate around New Years Eve 2001; when she mentioned Will joining ‘The Garden’, Lewis glanced over at Hathaway and noted uneasily that he had turned away from the conversation. You do know more than you’re telling, I’m sure of it. What else aren’t you telling me? What other secrets are you hiding? Why, James, why?
***
Lewis had worked out what bothered him about Zoe Kenneth and Feardorcha, and on leaving the church Lewis chose to confront Hathaway, coming in sideways as usual.
He tried to keep his voice neutral; the last thing he wanted to do was interrogate James, and he certainly didn’t want an argument in the street, but he needed answers.
“Zoe Kenneth and Feardorcha Phelan never met, did they?”
“No.”
“But she gave you his number?”
“I suppose he gave it to her.”
“What, he gave her his ex-boyfriend’s number?”
“Well, I dunno, why?”
“Oh, if you say that you got the number from Zoe and that you only knew Jonjo slightly, I’ll believe ya.” I want to believe you James but you’re making it damn hard for me.
Instead of the impassiveness that Lewis had expected, the ‘closing down’ that James had been doing, Hathaway was defensive. “What is this?”
“Timing!” A part of Lewis wanted to shake James, snap him out of wherever he was, bring the ‘real’ James back. “Will started to get depression and you left the priesthood around the time the two of you met up again in Oxford. Something happen between the two of you that I don’t know about?”
“No.” Hathaway had closed down again and stalked off, leaving Lewis standing, brooding, silently cursing himself and James.
Lewis was more determined than ever to get to the core of James’s deception. He knew he should go to Innocent, have James removed from the case, but he was afraid if he did it would only result in confirming his worst fear, one he had very consciously avoided dwelling on because he wanted to be completely, utterly wrong.
**********
Day 5
A fine Saturday saw Robbie at work in the allotment: he was more than happy to take a break when Mr Cooper stopped by with tea and they settled down to talk.
Not much gets past Cooper, he’s seen people come and go over the years and probably knows as much about human nature – perhaps more – than Robbie does. He’s also just plain curious.
“Lots of reasons folk take on allotments: boredom’s one, obsession’s one, most common though, frustration – nagging wife, noisy kids, trouble at work.”
Robbie’s happy enough to humour him; one day he might be in Mr Cooper’s place.
“My kids are grown up, the wife’s died.”
“Ah, work then.”
“If I was retired this could be me every day.” It’s not really an answer. Before this case he would have comfortably said no, but now he’s not as confident.
“Well why don’t you then?”
Robbie’s mind drifted elsewhere – to the question that had really been bothering him ever since they left Sadie McEwan’s that first day: is James really gay or ... or ... am I an experiment? The thought made Robbie feel ill. Who really noticed who first – me, him or he, me? Why would he look twice at me when there’s far better out there if he’s seriously looking – younger, fitter: did he see what I was thinking and simply decide to test the waters? See what it would be like. He’s never tried to fuck me, never even suggested it (and I’m not breaching that wall first) – he’s all about hands, mouths and cocks. He likes – loves – to kiss and he’s all hands, bloody skilled hands at that. Am I just a safe person for him, trusting that I won’t jeopardise my career and therefore keep his safe? But how can he expect us to work as a team afterwards if that’s the case? Oh shit. Did he set a trap for me that first night, did I walk right into ... What is ... But is he ... and why...
And that’s the question isn’t it? If anyone can give him some sort of practical answer it will be Cooper. Robbie struggled to keep his voice and face even.
“How do you trust somebody you don’t really know?”
“You trust what you really know about them.”
Yes, it’s that simple and that complex. Dear God, what do I really know about James? Damn him! I’ll make him give me straight answers even if I have to risk everything. I won’t be played and I won’t be lied to.
***
Alone in his flat, James was lost – not just in thought. His lies and deception weighed heavily but not as heavily as the loss of Robbie; this was the longest they’d gone without spending the night together since that first night after Laura’s birthday. His heart skipped when his phone rang and continued to rise and fall with conflicting emotion when it was Zoe’s voice, not Robbie’s. She invited him to go clubbing; he couldn’t, he said, she’s part of the case – professionally it’s wrong.
He went.
************
Day 6
When they met up outside Dr Carey Melville’s residence it was obvious to Lewis – to anyone – that Hathaway had had a big night; Lewis wondered where and with whom and tried very hard to avoid the ‘what’.
***
Robbie’s feeling about the case only intensified later that day when Lady Hugh was discovered battered to death in her college rooms; it was clear her death was connected to King and Melville and he felt like he was completely on his own.
***
As he left Mayfield College James saw Jonjo bailed up by uniformed officers who had presumably mistaken him as ‘press’; against his first impulse James intervened, not out of any loyalty to Jonjo, but because he was seeking answers to questions he wasn’t even sure of.
He hadn’t expected Jonjo to show him a DVD of Will – especially not a message from the grave. He listened to Will’s request to Jonjo, to ‘make a film about why love is never wrong,’ and simply because he didn’t know what else to say, asked Jonjo how the film was going.
“The ending breaks your heart. I use that clip of Will. Make a film why love is never wrong. Hey, why don’t you talk to me about love?”
That one question brought all of the uncertainties James had had since the case started rushing into his conscience. He desperately wanted to talk to someone of love but not here, not on camera and not Jonjo. He wasn’t even sure love would be there when this case was over; if it was even there now. Robbie had kept him at arms length, had cried off seeing him after work during this case and had kept it all strictly professional. Shit, be honest James, so have you, you’ve been hiding. Had he misjudged Robbie, was Robbie having second thoughts? Am I going to find myself reassigned after this case? What reason could he give? Fuck James, you can be stupid – the lies you’ve told will be enough. He’s not stupid, he’ll know, he might not know the what but he’ll know you’re hiding from him. And you’ve no solid ground have you – face it; you pretty much trapped him that first night. Fuck. Is that what’s he’s thinking? Fuck.
***
Lewis had finally recognised that waiting for ‘the right time and place’ to confront Hathaway about his fears was wasting time; he decided to bite the bullet and get the truth from James even if he had to drag it out of him kicking and screaming. He chose the moment when they were heading off to speak to the media about the recent deaths. He knew the question he wanted James to answer and hoped – prayed, pleaded silently with whoever was listening – that James would answer him honestly.
“Why did you and Will McEwan fall out when you were kids?”
“It’s not relevant to the case.” One glance at Lewis’ face told him he wasn’t going to get away with that answer. “He came out to me that summer when we were 14. I think he thought we’d kiss and everything would be roses but, you know, we were kids and kids are stupid. I couldn’t be anything other than a horrible teenager.”
“So what did you do?
“I laughed at him.” James’s answer was a blow to Lewis. Had Hathaway ever laughed about him? James continued, “Might as well have shot him in the face – he hated me for that. Don’t blame him.”
Robbie’s mind worked furiously as they both sat in the car,. So many answers needed, wanted. Get the elephant out of the way first? Christ, how is he going to react to this one? It’ll be the last one he expects. Or will it? If he’s been arsing me around...maybe he’s waiting for it. Need to stay calm, try to detach or this could get really nasty.
“Are you – shit, his face – no.” Can’t do it, can’t ask, bloody stupid, he’ll think I’m an imbecile.
“No, go on, ask.”
Fuck, he is waiting for it. “No, it’s ... doesn’t matter.” I don’t know if I want to know now.
“You’ve been dying to ask.”
The evenness of James voice made Robbie’s blood run cold and he just wanted to stop the discussion. He cursed himself for even starting, realising how redundant, how pointless it must seem, he wanted to rewind, be outside the car again.
“No, it’s none of my business.”
“Yeah, but you really wanna know.”
James struggled to keep his fury in check. How the fuck can he even be thinking of asking this. He’s not just having second thoughts is he? He thinks, shit does he think I’ve been taking the piss? Trying to make a – a what – a fool? – of him? Haven’t the past couple of months convinced him of anything? Why does he doubt me now?
Shit, stay calm Lewis, stay calm. “Well, okay.”
“What?”
“Are you?”
“What?” Damn you Robert Lewis I am NOT going to make this easy for you. I’ve trusted you, bared myself to you and you dare, YOU DARE, to question this.
“Are you gay?”
“What does that mean?”
“You know what it means.” Stop screwing me around Sergeant. He winced inside at his choice of words.
Hathaway forced himself to stay calm I can’t look at him, if I look at him I’ll ... “What, that there’s boys and girls and a nice, neat, straight line down the middle and gay is if you like shoes and musicals and straight’s if you read ‘Loaded’ and eat Yorkie bars.”
“No, no.” Just give me a straight fucking answer James – yes or no – damn this case, should’ve taken him off at the beginning – no, should have handed the whole thing to another team. You’ve been a thick bastard, Robert Lewis.
“You got some finer definition then sir?”
“Loaded’ and Yorkie Bars? How stupid do you think I am, man. I just ... Stop now Lewis, stop now before you say something you’ll live to regret more than you already do. God I wish he’d just look at me – if I could see his eyes I’d know. Ah, it’s none of my business. You’re right, what do I know?”
As Robbie started the car, James swung around in his seat, his eyes raging, the fury in his voice held to a harsh whisper.
“Yes. What do you know? Why did you even have to ask the question? Why do you doubt me? You do have doubts, don’t you? I don’t want to believe you’ve been playing me – I know you’re not that kind of man – but you think I’ve been playing with you, don’t you. Listen to me. I don’t play games. Do you think it’s all been a game?”
Stunned by James outburst and ashamed at having his unvoiced accusation hurled back at im, Robbie’s reaction was equally harsh.
“No, I shouldn’t have to ask it, but I did, so what does that tell you? An’ what the hell am I supposed to think if you can’t give me a straight answer?”
James fought not to scream at Lewis. “It doesn’t deserve a straight answer. It doesn’t deserve any fucking answer. And it tells me that I’ve misjudged you.”
He turned so that he was looking out of the side window, where he couldn’t see Lewis’ face.
“I think, Inspector Lewis, that we should finish this case ... and go our separate ways. I’ll request a transfer, sir, I’m sure I can come up with a reason Innocent will find plausible. Spare you any unnecessary questions.”
He knows damn well he won’t need to ask for a transfer; for his deception so far on this case he’ll be lucky if he gets to stay in uniform.
Robbie fixed his eyes on the steering wheel, conscious of his breathing, his knuckles white as he gripped the wheel tightly so his hands wouldn’t shake. This was not what he wanted, not what he’d expected. In his mind James was supposed to say either ‘yes I am’ or ‘no, I’m bisexual’. But not this anger, not this outrage. Fuck, some detective he was, he really had got it completely arse about – and why?
“We should go, sir, the media awaits your every word.” That flat, dead voice was back.
James left him to deal with the press alone, returning only to inform him that Zoe Kenneth wanted to meet with them.
James’s anger at Lewis hadn’t abated and he turned on him when Lewis asked Zoe for details about her relationship with Will. Robbie hadn’t been willing to risk a public argument with James, God knows the police station car park was public enough, and changed the subject to Feardorcha. What Zoe told them was puzzling; she believed Feardorcha had committed suicide, while the evidence told them Feardorcha was the murderer.
***
They still had to face the Pride March, ‘Save Our Screaming Spires’, and present a united front. Neither man wanted to be either there or in each other’s company, but they had four dead bodies, an invisible suspect and no real answers.
As they entered the bar there was a cry of greeting.
“Bertie!” Robbie was relieved to see Nova, anything to not have to talk to James any more than necessary. “You look like a fish out of water!”
“Ah, I feel like one.”
James wasn’t paying a lot of attention to the conversation; he just wanted to get away from that bar, that crowd – and Lewis. When Conan called for everyone’s attention Lewis wanted to hear what he had to say and they moved into the crowd; James distanced himself from Lewis, drawn close to the one person in all this mess who hadn’t judged him – Zoe.
After dedicating the march to Will, Conan played the movie that Will sent him, telling the story of ‘The Garden’ and the effect it had on him and Feardorcha, how he had reached out and asked a good friend if it was what God wanted for him, had trusted that friend and gone back to ‘The Garden’ – where he was ripped apart. Those revelations quieted the crowd but what Robbie saw was the distress it produced in James.
Robbie couldn’t take his eyes off James; he’d never seen such a haunted look on the lad’s face before and realised with gut–wrenching certainty, that there was so much more James hadn’t told him, that he had been justified in having doubts. The shock of having it publicly confirmed brought all the feelings of betrayal and anger crashing back in on Robbie.
When James became aware that Lewis was watching him he had to escape, to be anywhere except in that gaze. He headed for the exit as quickly as he could, certain in the knowledge that his entire world was close to crashing around him, but Lewis wasn’t going to let him get away so easily.
“The friend Will went to, was that you?” James knew he didn’t have to answer, Lewis had worked it out and the time for lies was over. Lewis turned on him in anger and James reeled as Lewis shoved his finger in his face, all the feelings of betrayal rising swiftly to the surface. “You knew what ‘The Garden’ did! You knew why Will killed himself all the time.”
When James’s phone rang he spun around to answer it, anything to not see the hurt on Lewis’ face. How did they go so quickly from pleasure to tearing each other apart.
“Feardorcha?”
What Robbie saw when James turned his back chilled him to the core – a simple note, stuck to his jacket.
“Hathaway.” Robbie ripped the note off as James turned around. “Life born of fire.”
***
By himself in the office, Robbie had too much time to think. When he started to calm down he’d called for a protection team to go back to the pub to follow James. After getting confirmation they had him in sight he’d then headed to the office to go back to go over the case notes, over the evidence, trying to find something they – he – might have missed. He was fairly sure why James had been singled out but couldn’t figure out by whom. There was no–one in the pub who looked remotely like Feardorcha, so who could have put that note there?
He had to let James go on this one; he still couldn’t trust him to be completely honest – not yet. Robbie closed his eyes and hoped he’d made the right call. As angry as he was, as betrayed as he felt, he knew he’d never forgive himself if something happened to James.
He had trouble concentrating, his mind going back to their very public argument. Never in his life had he done anything even close to that, never with Val or the kids, and certainly never with Morse, though there had been times when he wanted to. Why with James? James wasn’t the first person who’d lied to him, not the first copper to lie to him, why did he react so, so – ?
So James had left the priesthood because, why? He’d blindly believed what he was taught, tearing himself and his friends apart in the process? What had he said: “they thought like me and I thought like them, it was so easy, like breathing, you just believed what they said and I believed that being gay was wrong.” Is that why he finds trust so hard to give, because the institution he trusted the most crushed him, told him that who he was, was wrong? And now, what does he really think now?
In all the times they’d been intimate, Robbie had never sensed any self–loathing from James, certainly no regrets, no sense that he felt what he was doing was wrong. Quite the opposite. Were those feelings there and he just buried them too well? Robbie couldn’t believe that; even James wasn’t that good an actor.
And now he’d doubted him too, questioned the rightness of them. Christ, the lad must hate him. He covered his mouth with his hand as he remembered his last words to James, “Go away. I don’t want to see you,” and felt sick. Shit, this wasn’t a passing thing, it wasn’t a phase or an experiment! He cared for James and believed James truly cared for him. Or at least had. Was it love? Robbie wasn’t sure, though he was sure it was more, much more than friendship or even companionship. He was happy when he was with James and James seemed genuinely happy with him. But now...
Robbie wanted to call James, let him know he was sorry but he was too ashamed to call and in all likelihood James wouldn’t listen anyway. James had told him he was the one person he trusted implicitly. And now Robbie had crushed that.
Passionately. That was how he’d reacted. Deep betrayal, deep emotion.
***
To find Zoe waiting by his front door was a surprise for James, though he was relieved and disappointed in equal parts that it wasn’t Robbie who was there. He was still in a world of hurt and anger; hurt because Robbie – his beloved Robbie – wouldn’t listen to him and had questioned his sincerity, and angry because he knew he only had himself to blame. If he’d been honest with Robbie from the beginning, trusted him as he said he did ... Stop it Hathaway, can’t go back, beer’s made you maudlin. He had planned on falling through his front door, draining another bottle of wine and collapsing on his couch but Zoe’s invitation was too tempting – he really didn’t want to be alone either and he couldn’t go to Robbie. Maybe with Zoe he could forget, for tonight at least.
***
Robbie’s deliberations were interrupted by CS Innocent and he brought her up to date on the case, including the targeting of James and the protection team. Innocent raised another concern.
“Lewis, you and Hathaway, have you fallen out?”
“It’s fine, but thanks Ma’am.” Please don’t ask any more Ma’am, please just let it go. And please don’t dig too deep on the Hathaway/Will connection. I don’t want to have to lie to you.
Lewis was grateful when Innocent offered to help as he knew a fresh pair of eyes could make all the difference, but he was also wary – the less she came to know of James’s deceit the better.
***
At Zoe’s house, James continued drinking even though he knew he’d had far more than he’d ever had before. Drinking to forget, drinking to dull every emotion.
“Trying to make myself cry. So what’s wrong with me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you.”
James’s voice was almost a whisper, “There is.” Will is dead because I was blinded and too trusting and now I’ve lost Robbie too because I couldn’t trust him enough.
***
The issue of names came up as Lewis and Innocent bounced ideas around. While Innocent started researching meanings Robbie got the call he didn’t want – the protection team had “lost Hathaway somewhere in Jericho”.
***
James swiftly drained the drink Zoe handed him as she sat beside him on the couch.
“I really like you James.” Uncertainty filled James. What am I doing, what’s she doing, does it matter?
Zoe sensed his hesitation. “You’re trembling.”
“It’s been a while.” With a woman at least, and not very successfully even then. Damn it James Hathaway what are you doing and do you even care? Oh God shouldn’t have had that last drink.
“It doesn’t matter, if you’re not ready then that’s fine.”
But James was hurting and he wanted – needed – comfort. He couldn’t go to Robbie ever again and Zoe had been Will’s girlfriend, perhaps ... He reached for Zoe seeking consolation.
She led him upstairs to her room, dropped him onto the bed and told him to wait while she fetched the iPod. James was in no state to argue as he doubted his head would cope with sitting up, never mind that his legs wouldn’t hold him if he tried to stand. He simply hoped she would come back before he passed out – he laughed to himself – now that would be a fitting end to this shittiest of days. Nothing could be worse than today; of that he was certain.
Once downstairs Zoe set and started a blaze.
***
When Zoe returned to James, fire was already tearing through the lower floor and smoke seeped into the bedroom.
James fought through the fog of the alcohol. Zoe. A sedative, she said a sedative. Not just alcohol. Flames. Fire. Zoe not Zoe. Began with me. Me turning Will away. Twice. This is important. I know. Think. My fault. The Garden. Will. “Life Born of Fire” Zoe. Feardorcha. Phoenix. Firebird.
***
Though Lewis and Innocent had made the link to Zoe Kenneth, they still had to find out where she had taken James. They knew he was last seen in Jericho. Was that close to where Zoe lived? Had she even taken him there? Only now had Lewis tried to call James, and was frustrated when the call went unanswered. Robbie located an address for Zoe and it was in Jericho; he was out the door before Innocent had finished relaying the address to despatch. He had no idea what Zoe had planned but he knew it would be brutal and it would involve fire. Robbie didn’t want to think about what could happen to James if they were too late.
***
Fuck, the place is ablaze and James is in there. Robbie roared at the officers, “Break it down!” and was the first to rush into the inferno. I couldn’t save Morse, I couldn’t save Val but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna leave James when there’s a chance. I couldn’t live with meself. It was his tears that helped keep his eyes clear as he climbed the stairs and burst into the bedroom. Zoe started screaming at them and savagely fought the two officers who hauled her away from James.
Robbie had panicked when he couldn’t wake James – God, please don’t let me be too late – no, there was a pulse. He’d yelled at him, shaken him, slapped him, but James hadn’t responded. Without thinking, without hesitation he hauled James over his shoulder, pushed back words like deadweight and burden, and fought his way downstairs, pleading with whichever gods were listening that they might escape the flames. He’d known with sudden, startling clarity that were James to die there, because he – his boss, his lover – had sent him away in anger, he would struggle to carry on. He had to get James out, he would get James out – there was no other option. They would talk, if James was willing to listen, and Robbie would ask James for forgiveness, for another chance.
***
Robbie held his breath for those first few moments after James woke. He’d been waiting in James’s room since the doctors had given him the all clear. His mind had swung between silently begging James to remain unconscious and willing him to wake; while James couldn’t speak Robbie could convince himself that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for them to start again. Once James spoke... He hadn’t been able to finish the thought.
As James opened his eyes he gave a start when he realised Robbie was standing beside the bed. His mind fought to work out where he was and what had happened. As the memories rushed in he tried to sit up, looking anywhere except at Robbie. Oh God he’s here. Is this where...
“How long have I been, um ...?” Think, James, think.
Robbie allowed himself to breath. Basics. Formalities. I can do this. “Quite a while; you were drugged.”
“Zoe.” I saw, I think I saw ... would she have...?
“She didn’t... I’m sorry...” I’m not sorry she’s dead; I am sorry I let her trap you, will you ever let me tell you that?
Then James smiled at him, “You saved me.”
Robbie was overwhelmed by what wasn’t in those three words – no bitterness, no anger, no snark.
“I just wanted to make sure you ... you know.”
“Thank you, sir.”
Gazing at James’s face as he spoke Robbie’s heart leapt; there was the same look he had seen all those weeks ago, that first night. Trust and adoration. Robbie understood there would be time to talk, that not all was lost and, with a small nod to show James he understood, Robbie left him to rest. Tomorrow. They would have tomorrow.
James smiled to himself as Robbie left the room; he wasn’t quite sure how or why but knew something had changed and things would move forward, somehow.
As Robbie stepped into the corridor he saw Innocent at the far end talking with Laura and James’s doctor. He glanced back at the door and, slowly closing his eyes, he made his decision. To hell with it. He stepped back into James room, catching the smile on James face.
He closed the door carefully and started to pull the chair closer to the bed, watching James’s face the whole time. What he saw there made him abandon the chair and he sat on the edge of the bed. He lifted James’s hand from where it rested on his chest and held it between his own.
He didn’t recognise his own voice when he spoke. It was quiet, with a tremor that hadn’t been there since he was a young man working up the courage to ask Val out.
“I’m not accepting your transfer.”
Robbie touched his fingers to James’s lips to silence the words that were forming; he had to say this uninterrupted.
“I’m sorry I ever doubted you. I was scared, scared of ... of us ... that I’d wake up one mornin’ and you’d ... that you’d have ‘gotten me out of your system’ ... I’m still scared,” James started to frown and Robbie smoothed his brow with his hand, softly hushing him, “Scared by what I, by how much I care. I’m not losin’ you, James Hathaway.” Robbie leant in and kissed him tenderly, not giving a damn who saw.
***