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Xiao peeks over the top of the roof, catching sight of the rice fields below. You’re holding a batch of rice stalks in your hand as you bend down to sow one in the muddy water. There’s a flutter in his chest as he watches you, but the weight in his stomach pulls it down. He can’t be by your side.
You plant another stalk of rice and your sun hat blocks the view of your face. With a sigh, Xiao gets up and takes his spear, his arm hanging limp on his side. He should go.
He steps on a loose shingle and it falls to the ground, shattering at the foot of the door. He winces, hesitant to turn around.
“Xiao?” you say at the distance, your ears heightened by the noise. His heart clenches within him and his feet remain still. He shouldn’t have come.
“Xiao!” you repeat, your feet stirring the muddy waters. Splashes become more frequent as you quicken your pace. “Wait!”
He grips his spear and the vision on his wrist begins to glow. But after the sound of your shriek and a splash reaches his ears, he teleports to your side.
Covered in mud from your fall, you blink a few times, surprised to see Xiao had picked you back up on your feet. He kneels down to inspect your knees, wiping off the mud, checking for any cuts or bruises. His mind is at ease; you’re fine.
“You really are an adeptus.”
His eyes widen and he takes a step back, clenching his fist before turning away from you. It’s the first time you’ve seen him in months.
“I’m alright,” you say, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I’ve fallen in the mud before. You know that.” You attempt to reassure him with a smile.
He lowers his gaze and rubs his arm. After spotting your sun hat in the water, he sees that half of it has been soaked through.
“I’ll get you a new one,” he says, bending down to pick it up. The one you kept for him was still hung in that old wooden shed.
“It’s fine,” you say, shaking your head with a smile. “I can get it. I need a change of clothes anyway.”
The wind changes course before it dies down. There is no movement coming from your direction. Xiao glances over his shoulder, finding it odd you continue to stand in place. After a moment, he asks, “Well? Are you going?”
“Oh.” You let go of the bundle of rice stalks in your hand and take a few steps past Xiao before pausing again. Your shoulders drop as you look back at him.
He sighs, rubbing his hair. “I’ll wait for you.”
Your eyes widen, surprised he guessed what you were thinking. He knows you’re trying to hide how you’re really feeling. “Sorry,” you tell him before rushing to your house.
The wooden door closes shut and Xiao stands a few steps away. He lets out a breath before leaning against your house. He never intended to fall for you.
A sparrow flutters by and he’s reminded of when he worked on your farm. You often gave the birds ridiculous names. He reluctantly listened to you, eagerly sharing about how they were the same as the ones at the Harbour. But after a while, he didn’t mind hearing your voice since he found it quite soothing.
The tree in front of him reminds him of when you’d grab a drink for him as he sat under it. He fought to hide his true opinion of your latest recipe. He didn’t like any of them, yet sitting under the shade with you was worth it then.
Your unlikely relationship all started with a misunderstanding before growing into something more. He was the guy you thought your grandpa hired and he got caught up in your warm whirlwind of a welcome. Even after clearing up your mistake, it wasn’t so bad to stay with you. If he were being honest, he actually longed to stay with you, to have a mundane life with you. But he couldn’t live in that fantasy forever.
He was a yaksha.
Xiao continues to lean against your house when you open the door, now wearing dry clothes. You ask how he’s been during this time, as if everything was fine. As if he never disappeared.
“Grandpa’s arm is almost completely healed,” you tell him. “He’s been asking where you…” you begin to say before lowering your eyes. Not wanting to pry, you tug at your sleeve. You know Xiao prefers to keep to himself.
He looks out onto the farm with his arms crossed. Not too long ago, the field was brown and barren, but now it’s half filled with rice stalks. “You’re getting better at this,” he says, referring to your progress with farming. He wants to change the subject. He doesn’t want explain why he left.
“Really?” you ask. You’re glad he recognizes your improvement. He wishes he was there to witness it for himself. But he can’t. He doesn’t want to see you hurt.
Xiao picks up his spear. “I should go,” he tells you, clenching the weapon in his hand.
“Already?” you say, but a whimper slips through your lips. He hates seeing you like this.
“Yeah,” he replies.
Your lips twist together and your eyes can’t help but stare at the ground. After taking a breath, you force your mouth into a smile. “Will you come visit again tomorrow?” you ask.
He doesn’t answer you. He can’t answer you.
You tug at your sleeve again as your eyes return to the ground. He should never have stayed with you. He should’ve left after you learned he wasn’t the person your grandpa hired. He shouldn’t have let the words slip out of his mouth, the words telling you he would stay to help you with the farm.
A sniffle comes from his left and he turns his face to see you wiping your eyes with a sleeve.
“Why are you–?” Xiao begins to ask, but he sees you biting your lip, attempting to hold your composure.
Your voice cracks a little when you reply. “Is this the last time I’m going to see you?” Hearing your fears spoken aloud causes more tears to run down your face. Lift your hands to cover your face. It’s the first time he has seen you cry.
Xiao groans and runs his fingers through his hair before he awkwardly wraps his arms around your body. His shoulder becomes damp from your tears and a lone leaf falls in front of you. He rubs your back, and after a while, your breath begins to steady when you finally relax into his arms.
“You’ll come back, right?” you ask him.
An image of your bloodied arm flashes in his mind. He grabs your shoulders to push you away.
He can’t be doing this.
“Xiao?”
Xiao, the name given to him by Rex Lapis. He has many names. Alatus. Conquer of Demons. Vigilant Yaksha. Each one of these names reminds him of the weight he bore. He used to forsake those names whenever he was with you.
“I’m sorry,” he replies.
With his vision glowing, he takes his spear and teleports to Wangshu Inn. He lets out a sigh of relief before slumping on the roof. He’s safe. You’re safe. He can’t keep seeing you. He has to let you go.
There’s a tug on his shirt and when he looks over his shoulder, he sees that he somehow brought you along. You must have held onto him this whole time.
Xiao clicks his tongue and rubs his temples, wishing you didn’t witness his mistake.
“Where are we?” you ask before your eyes widen. You recognize where you are.
“You–”
“I’m sorry. I just…”
Xiao takes a breath and sighs. “I’ll take you back. Don’t look for me here.” He reaches for your extended hand but you snap it back and pull it close to your chest.
“Can’t I see you again?” you ask once more, your shirt wrinkling as you clutch it. Now that you know he comes to the inn, he knows you’ll try to find him here.
He slumps onto the inn’s roof, his spear clangs slightly as he drops it by his side. Rubbing his temples, he’s not quite sure what to do next. Wangshu Inn is his hiding place but it won’t be anymore if you’re here.
“Look, you can’t come here, alright?” he tells you.
You bite your lip, and Xiao knows you’re trying to hold back a second round of tears. “Why… why can’t I see you?” you ask. “Why are you pushing me away?”
He doesn’t answer; he only turns his face away from you. He has already resigned to the ill-fated relationship you have with each other.
“Is there something wrong with me–?”
“No. Nothing’s wrong with you.”
“Then why are you–”
“Look, you need to forget about me alright?” he says, standing straight up next to you. “You need to leave me.” The voice that leaves his throat is hoarser than usual. “My karma… it…” He bites his lip and turns his face from you. He can’t tell you. He should never have stayed with you.
The sun begins to set, the sky dimming to a burnt orange. It’s too similar to the day you almost got hurt. The fictitious scenario continues to haunt him. He has seen others hurt many times before.
Xiao feels your gentle touch on his arm and he sees your sad eyes. “What does your karma do?” you ask with a soft voice.
Xiao rubs his neck, hesitant to give you an answer. “You know those hilichurls that attacked you?” he quietly mentions. “They were attracted to your farm because of my karma.”
His feelings… he finally voiced them. He didn’t want to tell you. Knowing you, you’d try to find a way to–
“What if I learned how to fight?”
“Tsk,” Xiao clicks his tongue and crosses his arms. He knew it. He shouldn’t have said anything. You’re already a mere mortal and your fragile body can only take so much.
“Xiao…”
“You can barely manage the farm by yourself,” he snaps, finally letting out his frustration.
“I know I have my limits. But I can try, can’t I?”
He’s not frustrated with you though. He’s just exhausted to have this happen over and over again whenever he happens to become close with a mortal.
“You shouldn’t need to. I can’t bear to see you get hurt.”
“What if I got a vision? Wouldn’t that help?”
“That’s not the issue here. Besides, even with a vision, it won’t help with your limited stamina. A vision would be worthless.” He wanted to avoid this conversation and yet, here he is, arguing with the person he cherished the most. He hates this.
He takes a breath before continuing. “Y/n, it’s my karma that’s the–”
Xiao widens his eyes after he realizes something. No, why does this need to come up now? Why now of all times does this thought cross his mind?
A vision could help with his karma.
But he can’t tell you that. He can’t give you a sliver of hope. The other yaksha eventually succumbed to their karma. A vision would increase your resistance, yes, but with your health… Xiao shakes his head at the thought.
You place a hand on his arm, knowing something crossed his mind. “What is it?” you ask him.
He sighs. “Nothing.”
“Nothing?” you raise a brow. He flits his eyes away from you and a tiny smirk gently tugs your lips, knowing he’s starting to budge.
“Are you sure about that?”
“Look, I–” His eyes meet yours and the hope in your gaze causes his resistance to falter. “Ugh,” he places a palm on his forehead. “You think it’s that easy to get a vision?” He knew of numerous people who desperately tried to get a vision only to die without seeing their desires realized.
But when your eyes grow wide, Xiao realizes the slip of his tongue. “No,” he says, “it’s not like that. It’s impossible to–”
“A vision can help?” you say, your face becoming brighter.
“I–,” Xiao groans as he runs his fingers through his hair. What’s he supposed to do now? “It can, but…”
“But…?”
Xiao knows he should stop explaining to you, but it’s already too late. He said too much. “It won’t make you immune to my karma,” he tells you. “It’ll just give you some more resistance to it. That’s all.”
You take a breath to process all of the information he told you. Your brows furrow as you’re deep in thought and Xiao doesn’t know what’s on your mind. He wants you to give up like he has, but he’s also afraid you’ll leave him completely, as if he never existed. He selfishly wants you to continue to hope for the both of you, but he knows he can’t ask that of you. Hope deferred makes the heart sick and he has experienced that many times. He doesn’t want you to suffer through that as well.
As you continue to think through his words, Xiao turns his face away. He doesn’t want to see you come to your decision. “I should bring you home,” he tells you. He can’t bear to see you reject him. He needs to end this now.
“So I just need a vision, right?” you ask.
Xiao’s heart skips a beat and his blood rushes through his veins. He can’t tell if he’s scared or elated.
“Well, at least for now,” you continue. “Enough for me to see you again?” you ask bashfully.
A smile tugs on his mouth before he bites his lip to hold it back. He shouldn’t be doing this. He can’t. “Not anyone can get a vision,” he says without turning to face you.
“I know, but I should at least try, shouldn’t I?”
“Do you know how many people wish to get a vision, but never get one?” He needs to talk you out of this. He needs to talk himself out of this.
“I can try Xiao. I’ll ask how others got their visions. I know I can at least do that.” You cover his hand with yours. “I have to try.”
The clouds have gotten darker and the first few drops touch his skin. He should take you home and make you forget about this conversation. But an orange leaf catches his eye as it falls into the nest behind you. Inside the nest glows a bluish hue with a pattern surrounding it that he’s all too familiar with, one he always sees on the back of his hand.
“Xiao?” you ask, waiting for some kind of answer from him.
Although he clicks his tongue, there’s a small uptick on the corner of his lip. “You fool,” he tells you, but he could easily be referring to himself. “You’re such a fool.”
He takes your hand and in the next moment, the two of you are in your house. He gently lets you go as the two of you stand next to your dining table. Rain continues to hit your roof.
“It’s getting dark,” he says. “You need to eat your dinner.” He picks up his spear to get ready to leave.
“Wait, Xiao, I–”
He takes your hand and sets the vision inside it. He himself can’t believe this really happened. He gives you a soft smile and your jaw drops in shock as you gaze at the blue glow in your palms.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he tells you before whisking himself away once again. Only this time, the weight in his chest feels lighter than usual.