Work Text:
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 15:42 --
EB: dave!
EB: hey dave are you there?
EB: ...
EB: ...
EB: ...
EB: daaaaaaaave?
EB: helloooooooo?
EB: come on dave it's a saturday afternoon! i know you're there.
EB: ...
EB: am i going to have to wait a full half hour for you to answer me??
EB: holy shit, dave.
EB: what the fuck are you doing???
TG: oh hi
TG: sorry
TG: didnt realize that you were pestering me
EB: it's okay, but what were you doing?
TG: uh
TG: its nothing
TG: bro just wanted me to clean up some of his shit
TG: sort of took a while
EB: oh.
EB: well that's okay!
TG: what
TG: were you thinking i was doing something else?
EB: no it's nothing!!
EB: anyway how are you?
TG: whoa there
TG: that was a pretty quick change of subject
TG: interesting
TG: just what were you thinking about?
EB: i told you, dave! nothing!! now can we drop the subject please?
TG: ...
TG: thats a lot of exclamation points egbert
TG: its coming off as suspicious
TG: do tell
EB: i. uh. really dave it's nothing.
TG: what were you thinking i was jacking off or something
EB: ...
EB: i.
EB: well.
EB: uh.
EB: shit.
TG: whoa man
TG: whoa there
TG: are you for real?
TG: holy shit that was just a shitty guess
TG: didnt expect it to actually
TG: you know
TG: be that
EB: there's no writing this one off, is there?
EB: i should just go.
TG: shit no
TG: john dont leave
EB: i- wait what?
TG: i said dont leave
EB: should i even ask why.
TG: sure
TG: if you want
EB: then why, dave?
EB: why should i stay?
EB: i mean really it can't get any worse.
TG: because you were right
EB: what.
EB: i uh didn't need to know that, dave.
TG: well why not?
TG: i mean youd already thought of it
TG: jesus fuck theres nothing to be embarrassed about
TG: well okay theres potentially things to be embarrassed about
TG: but unless you were getting off to the thought of i dont know
TG: the thought of me getting off to you
TG: then theres nothing to be embarrassed about
TG: i mean seriously
TG: ...john
TG: john?
TG: john are you still there
TG: egbert
TG: youve abandoned me havent you
TG: left me to rot in the cold lonely void
TG: that is
TG: the internet
TG: seriously man where are you
TG: john
TG: john
TG: john
TG: ill keep spamming you unless you show your fucking text again
TG: john
TG: john
TG: john
TG: i mean it i really will
TG: john where the fuck did you go
TG: john
TG: oh my god where did you go
TG: you dont normally leave pesterchum open like this
TG: john
TG: dude where are you
TG: please dont tell me that the possible homosexual implications of what i said scared you off or something
TG: jesus fuck dont be a douche
TG: john where are you
TG: god fucking dammit john ive been here for a full fucking twenty minutes im going to keep spamming you like this if you dont get your fucking gay ass back here right now
TG: egbert i swear to god
TG: if youre just ignoring me i will kill your ass later
TG: okay not literally
TG: even though i probably could if i wanted to
TG: john
TG: fucking hell where are you
TG: john im going to die
TG: alone and frozen
TG: in this shitty void
TG: alone and abandoned
TG: by a single boy
TG: his names john egbert
TG: see what i mean
TG: he needs to get his ass back here because i cant finish my rap because its stupid
TG: dude where are you im actually starting to get a little worried
TG: egbert
TG: john
TG: man you dont even take this long to take a shower
TG: jesus christ next time ill leave you alone
TG: even if youve been thinking about me touching my own manhood or whatever the fuck people are calling it these days
TG: okay that sounds fucking stupid just call it a dick
TG: or a cock
TG: even penis is better than that oh my god
TG: never mind calling it a beef truncheon or something
TG: god not even irony can make that sound decent
TG: seriously why the ever loving fuck would you call your fucking cock something like that
TG: it sounds so fucking stupid
TG: egbert swear to me that if something ever happens
TG: and we like
TG: i dont know like start dating or something
TG: just bear with me im not insinuating anything
TG: swear to me that you will never call your penis anything other than
TG: penis
TG: cock
TG: or dick
TG: for the love of all that is ironic please dont name it either
TG: oh my god no
TG: no
TG: oh my god egbert what would you even name it anyway?
TG: by the way is it apparent enough now that i really meant it when i said that i would spam you
TG: anyway might as well continue in that vein of thought
TG: youre either not back yet or youre just sitting there ignoring me
TG: or masturbating to this your choice by this point i wouldnt even be shocked
TG: ok surprised but dude do you know how full of bullshit you sound with that whole "no homo!" deal?
TG: its so stupid its verging on being completely imbecilic
TG: seriously john its not like a bad thing to be gay
TG: i mean im gay
TG: total honesty there im not even being ironic
TG: yep
TG: totally gay
TG: look at that i literally just came out to you and youre not even here
TG: i dont know that youll even read this actually
TG: kind of hope that you do though
TG: i mean it would be nice to have someone other than rose to talk to about this
TG: well other than rose and jade
TG: uh
TG: by the way
TG: you might not want to tell jade i told you
TG: yeah that would be
TG: a really bad idea
TG: unless you actually want to have an utterly mortifying conversation with her
TG: ...
TG: yeah that was pretty bad
TG: okay holy shit that was bad
TG: really bad
TG: i cant even make myself laugh about it that was
TG: really fucking embarrassing
TG: i mean she like
TG: thinks
TG: that you have a crush on me
TG: or that i have a crush on you or something
TG: i dont know just dude please dont do it
TG: jesus fuck she wants to see us like
TG: together
TG: i uh
TG: its bad
TG: as in once i came out to her that was pretty much all that she would ask me about
TG: "hey dave!! :D"
TG: "have you talked to john yet today?"
TG: "i bet he misses you!!!"
TG: it was actually a hell of a lot worse than that
TG: but for both of our sakes ill refrain from elaborating on that
TG: anyway yeah
TG: im gay there said it again
TG: watch out boy
TG: im coming for you
TG: not as in the ejaculatory sense but im coming after you
TG: ...
TG: wow theres just no way to make that sound decent is there
TG: i was also going to say "insert lusty sigh here" but that would be taking it a bit too far i think
TG: uh
TG: well anyway im kidding
TG: pretty much
TG: except for the fact that youre actually my type
TG: as much as i hate to admit it
TG: but youre not even into dudes so nbd
TG: anyway youre still my best bro and everything
TG: just dont look at me weird if i bring a dude with me if we go on a double date or something
TG: ...
TG: as long as youre like
TG: not weirded out by this
TG: dude where are you i just poured my fucking heart and soul out into this spam get your ass back here
EB: whoa okay i'm back sorry about that!
TG: you have impeccable timing
EB: uh.
EB: give me a second to read up i guess??
TG: sure
EB: ...
TG: what
EB: you're gay?
TG: im about as straight as a rainbow
EB: oh.
TG: what is it now?
EB: i just wasn't expecting that, i guess.
EB: not like i have a problem with it or anything!
EB: it just makes a lot of sense.
TG: oh really
TG: and why would that be
EB: well you've never seemed actually happy when you were in a relationship with a girl.
EB: ever.
EB: actually you seemed pretty constantly miserable! it wasn't fun to watch oh my god.
TG: well yeah
TG: they werent exactly
TG: enjoyable
EB: hahaha i bet.
EB: wait also were you serious when you said i was your type?
TG: serious as a heart attack
TG: in other words yes i was serious
TG: why?
EB: no reason, just wondering.
TG: whatever
TG: anyway where were you for so long?
TG: you sort of just left me hanging like that
TG: not cool okay
TG: not cool
EB: sorry!
EB: dad just wanted to talk to me for a minute.
EB: ...it ended up a lot longer than that.
TG: what why
EB: well we talked for a long time! and then we went out for dinner or lunch or whatever i guess an early dinner?? yeah.
EB: i'm really sorry!
EB: i didn't mean to leave pesterchum open like that.
EB: but at least i'm back now, i guess??
TG: nah whatever its fine
TG: i dont want to sound too nosy or anything
TG: but what were you talking about?
EB: oh.
EB: uh i don't know that i'm supposed to be telling you!
EB: but whatever.
EB: i guess??
EB: wait promise you won't freak out on me! because this is really weird.
TG: sure cross my heart and hope to die
EB: i guess that uh.
EB: bro and my dad are dating?
TG: fuck
TG: you mean like
TG: my bro
TG: the one that makes puppet porn for a living
TG: that bro
EB: that bro.
TG: CHRIST
EB: whoa dude you never use caps!
TG: I DO WHEN IM FUCKING PISSED OFF
EB: dave holy shit don't shoot the messenger.
TG: fuck
TG: sorry
TG: im not pissed as you
TG: but why the actual fucking hell has bro not told me yet
TG: fuck
TG: fuck fuck fucking hell fuck you bro
TG: figuratively not literally but nevertheless fuck you
TG: fucking hell this is something i wouldve wanted to know jesus fuck bro fuck
EB: wow you're saying fuck even more than normal. impressive.
TG: of course i am im fucking pissed
TG: god DAMN
TG: bro i am going to kick your fucking ass i swear to god
EB: dave, don't you think you're overreacting a little??
EB: i mean really!
TG: how long have they been a thing
EB: ...uh?
EB: i don't know!
EB: he didn't say.
TG: damn
EB: why do you care?
TG: because im fucking angry okay
TG: bro couldve told me before
TG: i cant stand it when he fucking keeps things from me like this
TG: god
TG: it pisses me off
EB: you don't say.
TG: shut up
EB: well it could've been worse!
TG: how
TG: motherfucking how
EB: you could've walked in on them porking.
EB: or found a dirty text message!
EB: or maybe even found a pair of briefs that aren't yours.
EB: or bro's.
TG: ok you can stop now i get your point
EB: possibly even heard-
EB: sure whatever.
TG: god fucking damn though
TG: i really wish hed told me
EB: why are you getting so upset?
EB: i mean his love life or whatever isn't really your business to be poking around in anyway.
TG: i know
TG: but i dont think you would understand
EB: why?
EB: i'm not an idiot, dave.
TG: i know youre not
TG: its not that
TG: hfrtfdbxcv
EB: are you okay??
TG: its just not fucking fair
TG: and yes im okay you moron
TG: that was a keyboard smash of frustration
TG: which never happens
TG: see
TG: im fucking irked as shit
EB: is there even any point in trying to calm you down?
TG: not really
TG: god
EB: would it help to tell me what the problem is?
TG: no
TG: well i dont think so
TG: i mean it might
TG: but id weird you out so no
EB: dave, come on dude. you can tell me anything!
TG: fine
TG: im fucking jealous okay
TG: that my fucking brother
TG: is fucking an egbert
EB: wait what?
TG: dude
TG: egbert
TG: john
TG: whatever just fuck it
TG: i like you ok
TG: in an unironic totally not platonic bro way
TG: and im fucking pissed as hell because my fucking brother managed to hook up with your fucking dad while im still sitting here trying not to fucking explode every single fucking time that i talk to you because i fucking like you
TG: im fucking pissed because i couldnt tell you because i was too fucking terrified of how you would react because apparently youre straight as fuck and every single time
TG: every
TG: single
TG: goddamn time
TG: that i would get my courage up again
TG: you would fucking go and run your fucking mouth and say something that would make me totally fucking sure that you would fucking reject me
TG: and then i wouldnt even have you as a friend
TG: that is my problem john
TG: that is my fucking problem
EB: wow.
EB: do you feel better now that you've gotten that out of your system?
TG: what no comment
TG: no witty retort
TG: no "but daaaaaaaave!! i am not a homosexual!!!!!" for me this time?
EB: i'm not though!
TG: then what the fuck are you because youve always radiated straight as fuck to me
TG: and i have a pretty good gaydar if i do say so myself
EB: christ, dave! i'm not gay! i mean, like girls too. i guess i'm bi or something.
TG: ...
TG: why the fuck have you not told me this sooner
EB: i could ask you the same question.
EB: you didn't even tell me that you were gay until i'd actually left and i wasn't even online!
TG: touché
EB: i don't know. i guess because i just don't really think it's something to be making that big of a deal about!
TG: you seemed pretty miffed any time i teased you about it
EB: dave.
EB: seriously.
EB: wouldn't you have been "miffed" too?
TG: fuck
TG: you have a point there
EB: so what are we going to do?
TG: now its my turn:
TG: wait what?
EB: uh.
EB: well i've sort of liked you for a while now!
EB: i just didn't think you were into guys.
EB: though to tell the truth, if i'd really thought about it that much i'd probably have realized it sooner.
TG: why
TG: or how
TG: actually
EB: dave are you serious.
TG: im fucking serious
TG: i mean god is it that fucking obvious?
EB: haha i don't think so! i mean, you're my best bro.
EB: if not even i could tell, i think you're fine.
TG: if you say so
TG: now what do you mean what are we going to do
EB: well if i like you, and you like me, doesn't that normally mean that.
EB: like.
EB: you know!!
EB: we would actually do something about it?
TG: like what
EB: i don't know.
EB: go out or something?
TG: wait
TG: does that mean that youre asking me out
EB: i guess??
EB: i mean if that's what would make you happy!
TG: i
TG: uh
EB: dave?
EB: helloooooooo???
EB: dave you just vanished.
EB: daaaaaaaave.
EB: jesus christ dave!
EB: don't just leave me hanging like that.
EB: god don't you have manners?
EB: apparently not.
EB: dave where are youuuuuuuu.
EB: i'll resend my offer if you don't get your ass back here right now.
TG: yes
EB: i'll go all motherfucki-
EB: wait is that your answer?
EB: yes as in you'll go out with me??
TG: yes you asshole ill go out with you
EB: wow rude.
TG: not really
TG: i mean god i just agreed to be your boyfriend
TG: so what now
TG: does this mean that i can come over to your house for a shitty movie date
EB: like, now?
TG: why not
TG: you arent busy are you
EB: no?
EB: uh sure then, i guess.
TG: you dont seem very enthused
EB: god dave i'm a little nervous give me a break!
TG: why the actual fuck are you nervous
TG: i mean its just me
EB: i don't know!! i just am okay. shut up.
EB: please.
TG: if this is going to be weird then maybe we shouldnt
EB: no!
EB: i mean.
EB: ugh no i really want this, okay?
EB: i just don't really know what to do now?
TG: christ youre acting like were going to fuck or something
TG: john seriously
TG: just treat it like im coming over like normal
TG: if something happens itll happen
TG: theres no pressure on you
TG: and like hell would i rush anything
TG: just chill
EB: god dave i love you.
EB: a lot.
TG: whoa thats sudden
TG: and you didnt even follow it up with a "no homo" this time
TG: nice
EB: ugh i try to say something nice and this is what i get!
TG: jeez man i was just teasing
TG: i love you too
TG: a lot of homo
EB: ;)
TG: oh god please no
TG: dont start with those fucking things
EB: ;)
TG: god if you dont stop im going to leave
EB: ;) ;) ;)
TG: wow those things are so sleezy its like ke$ha on steroids or something
TG: im serious though i really will leave
TG: its more encouragement just to come over
EB: ;)
TG: ill take that as you want me to come over right now then
EB: yes.
TG: ok then
TG: gettin up
TG: outta my chair
TG: ill be over pretty soon i guess
EB: <3
TG: oh my god
TG: fuck
TG: uh
TG: god
TG: fine
TG: <3 you too
EB: i'll see you soon then!
EB: byeeeeeeee. ;)
-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 19:14 --
TG: jesus christ what have i gotten myself into