Work Text:
"Hey."
The first word was neatly written in black ink on a white, a bit wrinkled, as if someone had crumpled it, sheet of paper. Izuku gulped. It's been over two weeks already since… It's been two weeks, but he still wasn't sure he could find it in himself to read the letter he was given. It was stupid. Naïve and childish, but he felt that maybe, only maybe, if he didn't read the letter at all, his protest would somehow invalidate what had happened.
"I know it's stupid and I'm very bad at shit like this but I'd rather do it like that than don't do it at all. This, the letter, I mean, is in case something happens. To me, because if you decide to fucking die on me I'll blast your shitty grave till you pop out of there and come back alive."
Izuku felt bad for smiling at that. Kacchan was always Kacchan, even when he tried to be serious and weighty.
Whatever he said could always make Izuku smile.
"I don't know where to start. I know you love sappy bullshit but there's no way I'm taking that path.
First, thank you. I realized I had never actually said that to you. It's for the times you listened when there was no one else around. I mean, sure that's what you'd do for anyone but. Still. Yes, I'm talking about Ground Beta and shit. Thank God I won so now I'm less embarrassed of that. But if it weren't for you I'd probably lose it. I was ashamed of how weak I actually was and it made it me doubt my decision to become a hero in the first place, but I had no one to talk to about that. I'm still embarrassed to say that but I felt lonely when I came to U.A. For the first time in my life I felt like I didn't belong and was behind everyone else, including you, even with a strong quirk. After our first combat training when you won I though you'd never look up to me again, and I'll be lagging behind for the rest of my life like some fucking stray dog. The school was full of amazing people, and I was scared you'd realize I'm not the only pebble on the beach and move on to someone else . But you came, and that gave me a purpose again.
No matter what I asked you were always there. So thanks.
Second, I'm sorry. I know I apologized before. I know you've already forgiven me. But I can't help feeling it'll never be enough.
I just wish we hadn't spent so much time apart, because nothing can bring it back."
Izuku saw tear stain on the sheet of paper, and he felt a lump in his throat. Clutching the letter, so hard that his knuckles went white, he continued his reading, noticing how the handwriting was becoming messier and messier.
This wasn't easy for Kacchan either.
"I missed this. Our sleepovers when we were kids. How we raided the kitchen at night to get snacks. Our hideout in the forest. All Might documentaries all night long. The hag told us to shut up but I only turned up the volume to piss her out. She adored you by the way. Always scolded me for being mean to you and I never thought I'd say it but once in a life I agree with her.
Remember when we both got the same All Might card? You were giggling all day. I probably was too. I never told you this (like many other things) but I kept the card and I carry it with me in my pocket every day. It just reminds of some good days we've had when things weren't so stupid between us.
Speaking of that, nerd Izuku.
I regret not taking your hand back then. When I fell. It's stupid, it's been years but. The thing is that I still can't find the courage to take your goddamn fucking scarred hand even today."
Before Izuku could process this, the next line caught his eyes, and he whimpered.
"No matter how far into the past I look, it's you. It's always you."
Izuku's own tears were staining the paper, but he quickly wiped them from his face and the letter, worried they'll blur the words. His tiny sobs filled Katsuki's empty, dim room which Izuku banned everyone from entering. He's been here only once, right before the war, and he and Katsuki just sat there beside each other, not daring utter a singe word. The quietness was reminiscent, but Izuku felt so much lonelier now that his best friend was gone.
"Just wanted you to know I had never meant all the mean thing I said about you. Or maybe I did. I probably did, but I don't mean them now and I want to come back and kill my idiotic self. The hag probably dropped me too much when I was a toddler. Thanks. Again. For not turning away from me ever. Nerd Izuku, you really are insane. If someone treated me like that I would Howitzer Impact them long ago. But you didn't. I still can't believe you forgave me after what I've done. I mean how can you even look up to your childhood bully? Maybe that's why I'm writing it again. You know, you're too fucking kind. I'm kinda… happy I got to experience that. But don't let anyone take advantage of that.
Third. Okay this is going to be stupid. Just fucking bear with me and don't ask yourself any questions. Maybe I shouldn't say it, yeah, I probably shouldn't, but you deserve to know. It wouldn't excuse the things I did but. You know, I liked to tell myself that this was the reason why I hated you, because I hated that part of myself that felt whatever it felt. I guess it was easier to take it out on you than to accept this side of myself.
I love you. I guess. I don't fucking know what love is, okay?, but I think whatever I feel when I think of you falls under the definition of love pretty fucking well. I can't get you out of my head and no matter what I do I want it to be with you and U.A. would fucking suck if you weren't here. Each time you and Round Face got paired up for our training, or when I caught you talking to Half-and-Half bastard, or that Brain Control guy I got so jealous that I once blasted the table in my room and had to request a new one. I was so scared of losing your attention, losing to them that I always tried to shift your focus back to me by pulling some idiotic trick I learnt with my quirk or calling you names. Or yelling. Sorry. Now you know why."
Izuku's heart was racing. It hurt like never before, as if something pierced through it.
" I'm saying it now because I don't want to burden you with that before we go to war. I don't need you to sacrifice your stupid ass for me because I KNOW THIS IS WHAT YOU'LL DO AND I WON'T STAND THAT. I don't know, maybe you'd prefer it if I said this to your face. I'm sorry. I'm still bad at this but I'll learn, I promise (and then it'll be over for you).
So. If something happens to me, be the hero you always wanted to be. Or don't. Will probably be safer that way. I'd rather you didn't go to war at all and chill watching me blasting the fuck out of AFO, but that’s not an option. So I swear to god if you don't live till the day you're old and ugly I'll kick you back from the afterlife you hear me?
One last thing. If I find out you cried too long over this shit, I'll kill you till you're dead. I want you to read this once, tear it up and throw it away the way I did WITH YOUR GODDAMN LETTER WHEN YOU LEFT U.A. (I'M STILL MAD), but you won't because I know you too fucking well."
His mouth lifted slightly at the corners.
"You'll probably stick in your damn notebook and cherish it for the rest of your days. You do you."
Izuku braced himself for the final paragraph that was messier than the rest of the writing, strokes wobbly, as if Kacchan's hands were shaking.
"Tell everyone how cool I was. Or don't. I don't know if there's an afterlife and if it will even bother me there. I guess some part of me hopes that there is something after death because maybe I can meet you there. If I'm gone then it means I couldn't protect you and I'm sorry for that too, but you'd better live a good life for the both of us.
And for now, I'll see you on the other side.
Kacchan."
Izuku sat on the bed. His shoulders shaking in tiny grasps for air, he shut his eyes and, gently, with care, folded the letter in half, because Kacchan was right. Izuku would cherish this letter, more than anything he ever did, because this — a thin, stained with tears, crumpled sheet of paper — was the last thing left from Katsuki, his childhood friend, and the only person he's ever loved.
He too hoped there was the other side.