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She opened her eyes, instantly on the alert. She shouldn’t be here.
The last thing she remembered she had been fighting with the Turok-Han and one of them had got its claws around her. If anything, she should be dead. She should be surrounded by that warm, glowing light like the last time she had been in heaven.
Now, she was in a plain beige waiting room.
The words “Welcome! Everything is fine” painted in bright green on the walls told her that everything most certainly wasn’t.
--
“I’m just thrilled to get to bring the two of you soulmates together. We’ve truly never seen two people here in the Good Place who were so clearly destined for each other. Such a shame that the two of you were born in different decades.”
Michael had just introduced her to a tall, white man in a plaid shirt and work boots, stubble on his cheeks despite the fact that she was pretty sure shaving wasn’t a thing here. Which meant it must have been by choice.
He was, admittedly, very attractive, but her soulmate? Yeah, right.
“I’m Dean Winchester. Nice to meet you,” the man said with a flirtatious half-smile that set her teeth on edge with its obvious insincerity.
“Buffy,” she said. “Buffy Summers.”
--
Michael had left them alone in what he claimed was their new home. But home was hardly the right word for it. This was a crystal palace, made almost entirely of glass, mirrors, and other breakables. She couldn’t get dressed safely in this place, much less install a gym.
“So,” she asked, “What was your life like? What kind of a person were you?”
“Uh…” Dean seemed to struggle for words for a moment. “Well… I guess compared to all this, it’s hardly unbelievable. I hunted monsters. Travelled around with my baby brother and got rid of the things that go bump in the night. Does that… freak you out?”
“I was the Slayer,” Buffy said calmly. Inside, she was rejoicing. Maybe Dean wasn’t her soulmate, but he might be an ally in this after all.
“Oh, shirt,” Dean’s eyes widened, then he looked confused for moment. “Shirt. Shirt. Oh, right, I forgot you can’t swear here. Fork it.”
Buffy smirked at him, amused.
“Anyway,” Dean continued. “You’re the Slayer? The Chosen One. Holy shirt, that is so cool.”
So, she had a fan. Interesting.
“Thank you. But look, you and I both agree that something’s going on here, right?”
“Oh yeah, this isn’t paradise. I’ve seen paradise before, this don’t hold a candle to it. I mean, what’s with all the froyo? Not a pie shop to be found.”
Good, they were on the same page already. That would make things easier.
“Honestly,” she replied. “Did you see the Doublemeat Palace? In what world would I ever go into one of those places in the afterlife?”
“And we’re sure as help not soulmates,” Dean muttered, then looked up at her. “Sorry, I don’t mean nothin’ by it, it’s just…”
“It’s fine,” Buffy answered. “I’m with you. I’ve already got a soulmate, thanks, and he isn’t here. So one more point against the Good Place.”
“Yeah, me too. Want to tell me about yours?”
“He’s a vampire,” Buffy chirped, glad to be around someone she could say this kind of thing to.
“Mmm. Angel,” Dean nodded. Buffy’s hair stood up. She hadn’t told him his name, and it certainly wasn’t public knowledge. Maybe Dean was part of all this…
“How’d you know that?” she asked, aiming for intimidating. Dean just frowned.
“How’d I know what?” he asked. “That he was an angel? I mean he pulled me outta help and left burn marks where he grabbed me, so it was pretty obvious he wasn’t human…”
An angel, Buffy thought. Right. Of course. Okay.
“Sorry, never mind,” she shook her head. Moving on. “So what are we thinking here? Hallucination? Innovative, quirky new hellscape? Bad Place disguised as the Good Place?"
Dean adjusted quickly to the change in subject. “Not sure,” he answered. “But I don’t trust Janet to help us research.”
Buffy shook her head. “Me neither.”
“So,” Dean offered, “Shall we do what we do best and just go in, guns blazin’?”
Now that Buffy could get behind.
“We really should be friends after this is over,” she answered. And then they got to work.