Chapter Text
The effects of the 3rd impact began to form, was this what Shinji really wanted? The deformed giant body of Rei pulling out the cores of the earth creating all in it to LCL. Shinjis mind came to a foggy mess, he wanted to scream
"Stop, this can't be me, this can't be what I'm made to do!"
"But you were born for this, Shinji, you were the one who wanted this right?"
"You're wrong, this isnt what I wanted!"
"If this isn't it Shinji, then what do you want? What are you truly searching for?"
"I dont know, I dont know, what the hell do I wan't?!" he sobbed into his chair like a whiny little bitch, hopeless, pathetic.
He was just a kid, how was he supposed to act for humanity. How was he supposed to love the world, when the world didn't love him back? Who would show compassion in a situation like this???
"Shinji, wake up"
"Kaworu?"
Shinji opened his eyes to a blurred silhouette of rings and large amounts of eyes surrounded by wings. This thing couldn't be Kaworu, he just got his hopes up. He sighed, Kaworu was dead, and looked more human than whatever the hell this was. It spoke some ambigious words that could only translate as ringing in his ears.
"Shinji"
"Wha--what the hell are you?!"
"Its me Shinji, can't you remember?" The thing sighed.
And as Shinjis vision began to clear up he saw it,
its body slowly transformed, its rings turned to to bones and ligaments, then muscle and organs, and soon it even dripped blood, no--LCL--to the carpets surrounding them. The thousands of eyes merged together. Shinji began to bring his hands up to cover his face, it was getting worse, he couldn't stand it anymore.
It was already a nightmare to deal with the trauma of being forced to injure Tōji and kill Kaworu, and even worse he had begun to imagine them, in his dreams, in his mind, in his reality. He had to face it, everyone was dead and he couldn't stand it to the point he made a mockup of everyone congratulating him. For what? Ending the world? Killing his friends?
"Whats the matter my ilium?"
Shinjis eyes opened again slowly, In front of him was a presumably real and very naked Kaworu, but was it really? Or just some cruel joke Rei played on him? It wouldn't be the first time ("Is this better?" "Were you always here, Kaworu?"). Whatever he was he knew he couldn't deal with a naked Kaworu for too long so he shrugged and shuffled through Kaworus drawers. Inside the first was a book scribbled in messy hiragana that stated: "My journal :)" and piles of makeup similar to kinds Asuka and Misato had, since when did Kaworu wear makeip? Did he always wear it? Was there concealer smeared onto his head and into the blood of his neck when Shinji ripped it off? He slammed it shut before he could think about the pain of his guilt again and grabbed Kaworus uniform in the second drawer (he didnt bother looking through the rest, cause thats weird, especially in front of what was assumably Kaworu himself) and shoved the fabric into Kaworus pale arms before turning away abruptly, his face red with secondhand embarrassment for Kaworu, nothing else.
"I'm leaving now!"
"You won't stay?" Kaworus voice quavered, whiny in a way a puppy would be when they didnt get what they wanted, it was miserable. But any longer and Shinji swore he would lose his mind (out of anger that Kaworu was an angel and dead, no other reason why)
"You're not even wearing clothes, no way!" he was starting to think Asukas talk rubbed off on him, but all he could see on Kaworus body was the flashes of blood stained on his hands when his mech crushed the bones of Kaworu that was now exposed (it wasn't cause he thought the bare skin of Kaworu looked pretty, only girls looked pretty and neither Kaworu nor Shinji was a girl.)
"Whats the big deal? Its not the first time you saw me like th--" Shinji slammed the door shut behind him and slumped onto the floor, hands on the side of his head. He was delusional. And soon he'll wake up, covered in LCL and clothes with long gone owners thrown sparingly on the ground. He'll find himself in NERV, Kaworus snapped head soaked in the waters and he'll sob. He'll sob till he sees a false Kaworu fall into his arms and bring him to the sweet caress of the rest of humanity. All together at once. An ideal way to live, in an eternal instrumentality. A loud noise of heels stomping interrupted his--somewhat miserable--thoughts.
"Why the hell are you acting so depressed now?!"
He looked up,
Asuka.
Someone else Shinji decided to pretend was alive. He shivered. Her eyes were intact time this time, body unscarred from Unit-02 being torn to shreds. When could he move on?
"Cmon, answer me!" Asuka said stressing her words out, hands on her hips and feet tapping on the ground. Her brows furrowing deeper every second Shinji spent in silence.
"Asuka?"
"No shit, I'm here to pick up that boyfriend of yours. What a shame, hes so pretty too, way to waste his looks on such a pathetic guy"
"Boyfriend?! We're not--" Shinji sputtered his words half cut off from some echoed nonsense Asuka was screaming, he wasn't gay (or perhaps bi, a term he had learned from Kaji) let alone Kaworus boyfriend (though the idea of Asuka thinking they were didn't sound too bad, but he wasnt into men like that)
"Are you even listening to me?! Whatever, just get both your asses to NERV, they got another PSA request and they want you to act in for some reason" Asuka muttered something along the words of how "it's so unfair! I deserve to act in it, I'm much more talented than you and Rei combined..." but Shinji could only hear the word of acting and NERV combined together. NERV was for evas, not acting, let alone using Shinji in it. He sighed. What else was his mind gonna trick him into being reality next?