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The first time you saw Peter, he was dining with the other Dauntless. He looked odd amongst the rest of them, who’s faces seemed made of stone. Where they seemed to be all sharp edges and cold glares, he was made of soft lines, and only ever seemed to have a simple, innocent way about his gaze. And when he smiled, well, you were sure his grin could rival even your fellow amity’s well practiced expressions.
And it was during that first lunch with the Dauntless, that, even if just for a moment, you were sure his eyes had focused on you.
A few more times in his short stay, you had deluded yourself into thinking he’d thrown another one of his charming looks your way. But so did half the other girls in amity. One night, in the initiates cabin, a giggly talk about crushes had led Tiffany into admitting he’d winked at her, which led Samie to say he’d called her beautiful, and soon enough, every girl had admitted to being on the receiving end of his flirtations at one point.
That was the first time you realized something was off about Peter. Even though you didn’t know him, you had to admit, that was a lot of ground to cover for just a couple nights in the faction. But Amity teachings discouraged you from any misgivings you may have had about his habits.
In Amity, handing out compliments the way he did was considered kindness, a good amity would never question it. You knew it was something different about you, wrong with you, that made you feel otherwise. You chalked it up to the fact that you just couldn’t follow that idea, as you found yourself coming up with exceptions to most of the Amity rules. That, at least, was easier to face than your girlish delusion that he may have had any interest in you.
If you were truly amity, it wouldn’t be so embarassing. Amity were rarely embarrassed about anything, especially not their emotions.
But still, his face was far from intimidating like the other Dauntless, and when he smiled, you’d go as far as to say he was quite nice looking. Like the kind of boy you could bring home to your mother. It was hard not to stare, and at the time, you saw no harm in it.
Of course, that was long before you had realized a smile could be just as cruel as a scowl.
“At least one of them can smile,” your friend had laughed as he poked his fork in the direction of the strange dauntless boy. You can distinctly remember nodding in agreement.
Now, the memory makes you cringe at your naivety. How far now were you removed from that amity ignorance, from that mind-clouding bread, from that nice looking boy? Well, you were out of Amity now, beyond the wall, and you figured that was far enough.
Or it would have been, if he hadn’t followed you.
—
If you asked Peter, it was entirely your fault he was beyond the wall, and if it was up to him, he’d be back home, avoiding the impending conflict as best as possible.
He said that as if it hadn’t been up to him whether he would stay or go. In reality, not only did he decide to come on his own, he had begged to, just as he insisted on following you everywhere.
Peter Hayes had been a constant annoyance to you ever since you had saved his life escaping the amity compound. He insisted he had a debt to settle, and wouldn’t leave you alone until he did.
Tris, and the rest of the Dauntless who you’d come to grow close to, insisted he had a crush on you. They were just teasing, you knew, but the idea made your stomach twist in a knot.
Quite a few times, you considered ways you could put your life in harm's way just to give Peter the opportunity to get over whatever this weird thing was, but you didn’t trust him enough to go through with any of it. You weren’t sure if it was because you were too smart to do it it, or if Peter just wasn’t annoying enough to justify it, but either way, it wasn’t really an option, no matter how many times Tris promised she’d throw herself in front of a moving train before she let peter follow her around the way he did you.
Really, you couldn’t blame her. it was almost as if Peter got some kind of joy out of being a nuisance; it wasn’t enough just to be ready for the opportunity to save you, he seemed to make it his mission to be by your side at all times. He took the bunk closest to yours, walked with you everywhere you went, he even sat right beside you in the dining hall. A habit that had apparently followed him to the bureau.
“Is this really necessary?” you had asked him after he insisted upon sitting with you, so close your knees touched despite the fact that he had plenty of room.
“What if you choke?” he’d said with a shrug, though the way he laughed into his water make you scowl. “I can't miss that opportunity.”
“Who knew Peter could be so clingy?” you said to the rest of the table, making Christina snort as the rest of them set down their trays to eat.
“Who knew an Amity could be so uptight?” he bit back. You stomped down hard on his foot without a thought, causing him to yelp. “And violent! Isn’t that against their whole thing? Shouldn’t you be spreading peace, holding hands, singing kumbaya in a great big circle?”
“Oh please, Peter, she hasn’t been Amity since she left with us,” Tris is the first to defend you, as usual, and you can tell the reminder hits him where it hurts. You suppose it hits you too, but for far different reasons. “Besides, I think a lot of the Amity would have trouble staying peaceful if they had you on their back all the time.”
With that, Peter is quiet for the rest of the meal. It’s a rare thing, his silence, but you don’t find yourself as relieved as you know the rest of the table is. Instead, your mind lingers on what Tris said. To them, it must seem as if you sacrificed your faction for Peter that day. In a way, you suppose you did, but to say you fit in Amity wouldn’t be completely truthful.
You had loved the peace, and the happiness, and even singing kumbaya, but your aptitude test had said Dauntless for a reason, and whatever it was led you to where you were today, no matter how hard you had initially tried to avoid your fate.
If Peter thought he had taken you from your home, maybe he felt he owed you more than he did, maybe he would ease up if he knew the truth. It was wishful thinking, sure, but it seemed worth a shot.
—
Getting Peter alone was harder than expected. If you were alone, it was almost always with Peter, but for that very reason, it was rare you were alone.
You supposed you understood why your friends were wary of leaving you with him, it wasn’t as if you were fond of him, but deep down, it caused you a great deal of spite. If you weren’t Amity, would they be so worried?
You knew you could handle yourself, even against a seasoned fighter like Peter. Farm work was not for the weak, and you had proved yourself decent in combat over the last few weeks. Despite all this, Tris seemed unconvinced.
“You underestimate him,” she said, bouncing her leg on the concrete of the dorm you all shared. It was modest, but significantly better than the quarters the factionless had provided. You felt bad stressing her out more than she already was, but you also figured it was her own fault she seemed so hellbent on protecting you. She had bigger things to think about, and you wished she’d just focus on them. You supposed it's just the abnegation in her.
“All I'm asking is for a bit of space,” you sighed, rubbing the back of your neck awkwardly. She looked at you as if you’d sprouted a second head. “Besides, why would he hurt me? Isn’t that against his whole debt thing?”
“I'm not claiming to understand Peter, but I do know him pretty well,” Tris said, keeping her eyes focused on yours. “And even if he thinks he owes you some sort of life debt, he won’t hesitate to hurt you. Speaking from experience.”
“I understand that,” you nodded, ready for the conversation to be over, but she just grabbed your hands and forced you to focus on her.
“Why do you wanna be alone with him anyways?” she asked, dead serious, but you found it hard not to laugh. You understood how crazy your request sounded, but you doubt you could explain yourself if you tried.
Then again, maybe Tris ought to know too. It seemed as if your problems with everyone stemmed from this, the fact that they saw you as an amity, even when the faction system was all but gone, even when you never fit there.
“You may say otherwise,” you began, “but it’s clear you and Peter and all the others see me as weaker. Despite the fact that it’s all bullshit.”
She begins to disagree, but you cut her off.
“I just think that if I can prove to him that we’re on the same level, he’ll back down a little.”
“I think it’s more than that to him,” Tris said, but you were lost as to what she could possibly mean.
You wait for her to explain, but she doesn’t. At the very least, you get her to agree to leave you alone with him, even if it’s only because Four took her away from the conversation before she could properly disagree. It feels silly to go talk to Peter about something as ridiculous as this when she faces something you can barely imagine. But you suppose you’re just glad you’re not in her place.
—
Not too long after, Peter finds you in the dorm. You’d been sitting here since Tris left, waiting for him to arrive.
“Sneaking out of the bathroom is really immature, just so you know,” he said, taking a seat on the bed across from you. “I waited for like, twenty whole minutes. I thought you fell in or something.”
“Just cause that happens to you doesn’t mean it happens to the rest of us,” you smile, and he rolls his eyes, flopping back on the bed.
“Or maybe you were doing your makeup,” he continued, “Don’t the amity rub berries on their faces or something? I feel like I saw you do that once.”
“Some do,” you admitted, thinking of your mother’s natural lip tints, though you instantly regretted it when he shot up, looking at you incredulously. “I don't.”
“Are you kidding?” he said, laughing now. “I was totally joking. I can't believe you guys actually do that shit.”
You kick his shin, much more lightly than you stepped on his foot before, but enough to get your point across. It wasn’t rare that you two would end up like this, laughing at each other, goofing around. It seemed ridiculous, especially considering how you tended to agree with what others said about him, but if you thought about it seriously, he was probably your best friend.
The thought of that made you a bit sad; there was no way he felt the same about you. If it wasn’t for the debt he owed you, he wouldn’t talk to you at all. Somehow, the idea of living without his teasing seemed depressing.
“Caleb is really into all the books and stuff they have here,” Peter starts, though you can’t be sure where he’s going with it. “I can't be bothered to read all of it, but he gives me the highlights. Tells me about all the cool things we’ve been missing out on. sometimes I just wanna leave right now, go see whatever it is that's left out there. It's not like I care about what happens to anyone in Chicago.”
“Why don’t you leave then?”
“Well, there’s you,” he explains, and you sigh. “But if you agree to come with me, there’s this thing called the Grand Canyon, and I figure you’d probably fall in that and I'll have to be the one to catch you. Then we’d be even.”
“What makes you think I'd fall in?” you ask, and he grins.
“I could push you in,” he suggests, and you kick him again, harder this time. “Oh, I won't, that defeats the point.”
“I really wish you’d give this up, Peter,” you say, folding your arms across your chest. “I don't understand what you get out of it. You weren’t this way with Tris, she told me.”
He doesn’t respond, but he can’t seem to look at you, either. Something in you is worried what he might say, expecting backlash that never comes.
“Sometimes, it kinda feels like we're friends,” you laugh, trying to lighten the mood. “In Amity, you always see best friends who follow each other around, you know? I don’t know what it’s like in Dauntless or Candor, but in Amity you see a bunch of little pairs all running around, going to lessons or whatnot. It’s cute.”
“We’re not friends,” Peter says, still not looking at you, though his voice lacks it’s usual venom. “And I don't want to be your friend.”
“I know that,” you say, your eyebrows furrowed together in frustration. “Which is exactly my point. Why do you need to follow me everywhere? We’re not friends! You don’t even like me! I don't like you!”
“You’re so incredibly dense,” he says, and you can’t help the way your face contorts in anger. He smiles, that same, sick smile you thought was so sweet when you first saw it.
“And how is that?” you say, spitting your words out like they’re rotten.
“You can’t help it, Amity,” he sighs, mock pity thick in his tone. “Just like you can’t help liking me.”
You can’t help it, you can barely even see it coming, but you find yourself slapping him across the face. Somehow, that doesn’t get rid of his stupid grin, and you wonder if you should slap him again.
Before he can say anything else, you’re on your feet, but he’s close behind. He grabs you by the wrist, keeping you from exiting the room. If Tris could see you now, she’d probably laugh, and the thought alone is enough to get you to spin around, looking him in the eyes, unwilling to admit the weakness he seems to think you have. He meets your gaze and you tug your hand from his grasp.
“I've been wondering,” he says, his eyes so fixated on yours it feels impossible to break the contact. “Why did you choose Amity? Cause I know that wasn’t your aptitude result; I don’t think it’s possible for an Amity to even hold a gun, let alone shoot one.”
“You’d be surprised,” you say. “But you’re right. I didn’t get Amity. I got Dauntless.”
“So, why stay?”
“If you must know,” you smile, “I saw you in the crowd and knew I'd rather spend my life farming than spend even a moment with you.”
He laughs, “I guess that plan backfired.”
“Clearly,” you roll your eyes.
He looks at you for far too long, a habit of his that bothers you more than you like to admit. You suppose it would be okay, if it wasn’t for how you’d stared at him all those weeks ago at Amity, and the way he seemed to be able to stare directly into your soul. All the Candors were like that, really, human lie detectors. It had never failed to piss you off, but with him, it was more than just an annoyance. If you were being honest, you were sure Peter knew you’d liked him from the beginning. It wasn't long after truly meeting Peter that your infatuation began to fade, but now, he made you doubt yourself. You were so sure it was those stupid, pretty eyes of his, or maybe even his dumb smile; whatever it was, it wasn’t your fault.
“You look so stupid right now,” you tell him, needing something to say to break the silence.
“You always think I look stupid,” he says, and you nod.
“That's because you always do.”
“Well, I always think you look beautiful,” he says as he takes a step closer to you. “Even if you rub berries on your face.”
“I told you I don’t do that,” you scoff, and as much as you wanna back away, your feet stay planted firmly in the ground.
“I don't believe you, Amity, but nice try,” he says with a smile you don’t think you’ve ever seen on him, though you’re sure it’s the best he has. “Now can I kiss you, or do you have more to say?”
You don’t answer, instead, you just kiss him. You expect to take him by surprise, but he’s quick to react, and you can’t help but think of how it compares to the Amity boys you’d kissed before. They had been confident, mostly, it was hard to be anything else in amity, but no one was as confident as Peter, and it showed. You supposed you should be glad, the last thing the world needed was anymore boys like Peter, but you also felt lucky, like you’d won some kind of lame lotto where the prize was a kiss from a boy who barely knew what he was doing, but was so sure of himself it made up for it.
You can tell he doesn’t want to stop from way he pecks at your lips as you try and pull away, but you just laugh at him, relishing on the stupid expression on his face, and the fact that you were the one to put it there.
“We should go find the others,” You say, knowing that dinner was approaching soon and they’d wonder where you’d disappeared to.
“They’ll find us eventually,” he shrugs, “unless we go to the Grand Canyon.”
“You still wanna take me there?”
“I promise not to let you fall in,” he winks, and you shake your head, kissing him again so he’ll shut up.