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At times like this, Kaidou asks himself: how does he end up in these situations?
Somehow, here he is at one in the morning, his best friend lying in his lap, face pressed into his shirt and arms wrapped around his waist, sound asleep. They’d been watching a movie before bed when Kuboyasu had fallen asleep—apparently, he moves a lot in his sleep because over the course of an hour, he’s gone from lying next to Kaidou to lying practically on top of him. Kaidou could barely breathe out of fear of waking him and pure awe, eyes not leaving Kuboyasu’s face: he looks beautiful, asleep, too.
The problem began when his friend started speaking in his sleep. Kaidou feels both embarrassed and guilty for witnessing it, yet it’s too late now—he can’t just wake him up and admit it. But what’s extremely concerning is the fact that Kuboyasu’s gone from muttering random words to sobbing. It makes Kaidou sad, seeing his best friend so…vulnerable. He’s never acted like this, not while awake, anyway—it makes Kaidou wonder if he’s been hiding that side of himself, or if he’s simply having a nightmare.
His first thought is that it’s something about his past. Kuboyasu has never really been secretive about it, and usually seems nostalgic—not sad or angry except for the times when he recounts tough fights or injuries, or events of that such. Truly, Kuboyasu gets very excited whenever offered the opportunity to talk about his old gang members and his younger years in general. It’s painful to watch someone who’s usually so kind, so strong, be so helpless like this.
Kaidou feels tears begin to wet his shirt, and his heart nearly breaks: this is no longer a matter of what he wants, he needs to help Kuboyasu. Gently, he shakes the boy’s shoulder, wincing when the only response it exhibits is a pained groan. He hesitates for a moment before repeating the action, harder this time. “Aren, wake up,” he says loudly. Kuboyasu moves a little more, grip on Kaidou’s waist tightening. Kaidou bites his lip. “Aren!” He uses both hands to shake his shoulder, now, also having raised the volume of his voice.
Kuboyasu sobs once more, additional tears building in his eyes and wetting Kaidou’s shirt. He’s curled in on himself a little, knees pulled up to his chest not quite in the fetal position, but almost. “Aren, c’mon, wake up!” Kaidou whispers, mostly to himself as he shakes the boy rather aggressively.
Suddenly, Kuboyasu gasps, eyes shooting open. He struggles for breath immediately as he awakens, grip on Kaidou finally loosening. “Fuck!” It comes out as a broken shout.
“Hey…” Kaidou says softly, gazing down at him. “A-are you okay? You were, um, crying in your sleep…” It feels awkward to be talking about something so delicate, Kuboyasu’s still teary eyes staring up at him.
More tears begin forming on the boy’s lashes. “I-I was?” he whispers. “Shit, Shun, I’m so sorry,” he croaks out. “I j-just…I guess I had a nightmare.” Embarrassed, he begins pushing himself up off Kaidou’s lap, but the boy gently pushes him back down.
“It’s alright, you don’t have to get up. Y-you moved here in your sleep, it seemed to help.” Kaidou isn’t sure why he said it, why he lied: it didn’t help, it had no effect on Kuboyasu. He can feel the heat rush to his cheeks as Kuboyasu studies him, eyes surprisingly calculating despite the situation.
“Oh.” His face is pink, too, although it isn’t visible to Kaidou in the darkness. “Then…I guess I’ll stay,” he whispers, shifting a little. He presses his cheek into Kaidou’s shirt, relaxing somewhat, although now, Kaidou is far from relaxed.
“What was it about?” he asks, attempting to break the awkward silence.
Kuboyasu bites his lip. “I, uh…Don’t want to talk about it,” he says quietly.
“Oh, sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
They sit in silence, Kuboyasu cuddling up even closer. Lost in thought, Kaidou idly begins stroking his hair, just like he’d been while he was asleep. The boy flinches, surprised, then melts into the touch with a sigh, arms hesitantly wrapping back around Kaidou’s waist. “Shun?” he rasps.
Kaidou’s heart skips a beat, both at the touch and his voice. “Y-yeah?”
“I wanna tell you about it, but I’m scared you’ll see me differently,” he whispers hoarsely. His grip on Kaidou has tightened once more, and the boy’s heart hammers.
“Huh?” he wonders aloud. “Aren, you’re my best friend! If I did, it wouldn’t be bad.”
Kuboyasu shudders. “It might,” he chokes out. It sounds like he’s going to start crying again, and Kaidou bites his lip.
“It won’t, I promise,” he says firmly. It’s not like Aren to be so insecure, what’s going on? This must be big.
Kuboyasu takes a deep breath. “Okay.” He seems to be calming down somewhat, and Kaidou continues stroking his hair—it’s soft and silky, flowing through his fingers easily. “Well…The nightmare was about somethin’ that happened in my gang.”
Kaidou tries and fails to hide his lack of surprise, though it doesn’t matter, since his friend won’t even look at him. He doesn’t speak, allowing Kuboyasu to continue.
“It was like…T-this guy and I, we’d been friends. And I-I’d had a huge crush on him. We were really close, and he was so kind and handsome. I thought…I thought that i-if I told him, maybe he’d feel the same way—” His voice breaks, and Kaidou feels his own eyes grow teary. “I was, like, eleven…but he was a year and a half older. I w-was still young, still naive,” he spits bitterly. “I told him. I don’t even know what I was expecting, but he pulled out a knife.”
Kaidou rubs his eyes, wiping tears away. I didn’t even know he was gay…“Aren…”
“He just left me,” Kuboyasu whispers, eyes glassy. “He left me there, bleeding out in an alley…”
Kaidou swallows a lump in his throat. “How…how’d you get home?” he asks.
Kuboyasu shakes his head. “Someone found me and got help. But for a long time, I wished they hadn’t.”
Kaidou goes silent, not knowing how to respond.
“That’s why I left the gang…Even after becoming a leader, it was hard. I couldn’t trust anyone after that, still can’t.”
Kaidou feels his heart drop a little: his best friend doesn’t trust him? “Y-yeah, I get that,” he says shakily. Truly, he understands, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
Kuboyasu pushes himself up slowly, finally meeting Kaidou’s eyes. “I want to trust you, Shun.” His voice is surprisingly steady, since his lips are trembling and tears are falling down his cheeks.
“You can! I promise I’d never hurt you, not on purpose!” Perhaps he sounds too eager because Kuboyasu looks away, biting his lip.
“Alright. Can I ask you something, then?” he asks quietly.
Kaidou nods quickly. “Of course! Anything!”
Kuboyasu swallows nervously, but finally murmurs, “Can I, um…I…I want to sleep in your arms, if it’s okay. You felt really safe.” Now that Kaidou looks closer, he’s shaking. Still, the boy blushes.
“Y-you do?” he asks, voice squeaking a little.
Kuboyasu nods slowly, still not meeting his eyes. He looks almost…shameful, as though he’s embarrassed by his own feelings. Kaidou gently touches his arm, trying to reassure him.
“Of course you can, Aren. You’re my best friend, I’d do anything for you!” He tries to hide his nerves, the thought of Kuboyasu falling asleep on him again causing his heart to hammer. To his relief, Kuboyasu’s expression brightens, and he meets Kaidou’s gaze finally; a blush dusts his cheeks.
“Really?” he asks hopefully, sounding as though he can’t believe it.
Kaidou smiles a little. “Yeah. Are you, um, ready to sleep now?”
The boy nods, cracking his own grin. “Thank you for this, Shun. I really appreciate it.”
“It’s no problem. I just want you to feel better.” Now, he begins to readjust his position, lying down more comfortably and pulling the blanket over himself. Kuboyasu glances at him before hesitantly moving closer, pressing himself against Kaidou’s chest with a pounding heart. Skinny arms pull him closer, and he takes a deep breath, eyes fluttering shut as he’s enveloped in Kaidou’s body. “I-is this okay?” the boy asks anxiously as Kuboyasu buries his face in his collarbone, arms wrapping around him loosely.
“More than okay,” he murmurs, a smile warming his face. “This is perfect.”
“Oh. Um, good!”
Kuboyasu hesitates. “Yeah…Can you, uh, touch my hair again?”
“Right!” He begins playing with his friend’s hair once more, and Kuboyasu sighs happily, shifting a little to press himself closer. Kaidou can’t help smiling down at him: he’s never seen Kuboyasu act like this, so soft and sweet. Then again, he’d never seen him cry, either—perhaps he doesn’t know his friend as well as he thinks he does. With a small, content sigh of his own, he strokes the boy’s hair. “Goodnight, Aren. Sleep well.”
Kuboyasu raises his head momentarily to grin. “Night. I…I love you.” Kaidou’s eyes widen.
“O-oh! I, um, love you, too.” His friend’s eyes shine with happiness before he rests his head back down, smiling to himself. He doesn’t say anything more, however, just closing his eyes. Kaidou does the same, eyes drooping with exhaustion—while Kuboyasu had been asleep earlier, he’d been unable to sleep, but now, perhaps, he’ll finally be able to. He tightens his grip on his friend, twirling a strand of hair between his fingers, and smiles sleepily. This is actually really nice…
A few moments later, he hears Kuboyasu’s breathing slow; the sound is calming, and he feels sleep pulling at him. The only thing keeping him awake is the peculiar fluttering in his heart, but he can worry about that later. Kuboyasu’s body serves an extra layer of warmth, and eventually, he finds himself giving into the comfort of sleep, thoughts about the boy asleep in his arms finally giving way to nothingness.