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“Are you ready for this, Jeremy?”
“We’re gonna beat it.”
Over the past few months, Michael and Jeremy had been trying to return to some sense of normalcy.
Admittedly, it was messy, but it was okay.
They’d both agreed to be more open with each other and talk through their differences instead of… swallowing computer chips and whatnot.
Things were still a little shaky and tense on both ends, but their relationship was improving.
They both felt that it would turn out stronger than before.
And Michael was happy about that.
And now, here they were, taking another shot at Apocalypse of the Damned, level 9: The Cafetorium.
“Are you sure we’ll beat it? I think we might be a little rusty,” Michael teased. Seeing Jeremy in the beanbag chair next to him with the remote controller back in his hands was something Jeremy had missed for a long time.
Judging by the shy smile on Jeremy’s face, he’d missed it too.
“I believe in us, man.”
Michael got the feeling he was talking about more than the game—especially because they really hadn’t played it in a very long time.
To Michael’s surprise, through tossing back and forth “look out”s to each other and dodging in the nick of time, neither of them had been attacked once, and this was the farthest they’d gotten before.
“I’m gonna be honest, when you said we’d beat it I did not have any faith, but now—”
“Michael, Michael, look! ” Jeremy shouted.
They were cornered by zombies.
“ Great. ” Michael groaned as the controller vibrated with each blow to his character.
They were being attacked on all sides.
There wasn’t any escaping from this.
A clattering sound snapped Michael out of his frustration.
He looked over to see Jeremy, wide-eyed, staring at his controller on the ground.
The screen dimmed and a large “GAME OVER” appeared.
“Jeremy?”
No response.
Michael gingerly set down his remote.
Jeremy’s gaze was fixed on the controller. It was like he didn’t even hear Michael.
Michael leaned closer.
Jeremy was completely zoned out. His hands were shaking lightly, and there was the rise and fall of his chest, but aside from that, he wasn’t moving an inch.
“Jeremy?”
It was like Michael wasn’t even there. The thought of that brought a wave of pain that he quickly brushed off.
He knew it wasn’t that.
Michael tentatively tapped on his shoulder and Jeremy flinched so hard Michael nearly jumped himself.
That seemed to snap him out of it.
Jeremy looked back at Michael.
“What?” Jeremy asked in a small voice. His eyes were still wide.
“Are you good?”
Jeremy blinked back at him, dumbfounded.
Michael looked at Jeremy, then at the remote, then back at Jeremy.
“Oh—oh right!” Jeremy said, reaching for the remote. “I just…” Jeremy trailed off. Michael noticed the way he hesitated before grabbing it. “Dropped it. Sorry.”
“You were staring at it like you just saw a ghost. Are you okay?” Michael asked bluntly. He’d learned that Jeremy liked to avoid answering that question.
“I’m—I’m fine, let’s just keep playing!” Jeremy answered, looking back at the remote in his hands. He clicked the ZR and ZL buttons rhythmically, something Michael had known him to do when nervous.
Some things never changed.
“We failed the level, Jeremy.”
“Oh…”
“Yeah.”
“Well, let’s try again!” Jeremy said, and his antsiness for a retry made Michael a little uneasy, but he was just relearning to trust Jeremy, so he complied and restarted the level.
The second time around was a lot bumpier. The swiftness they had before was lost and replaced with clumsy turns and dodges and scarily close calls.
Michael swore he could see Jeremy violently flinch in his peripheral vision whenever attacked, and he stayed almost completely silent.
They were back to where they had died before. Neither of them had the biggest amount of health left, but it wasn’t impossible to clear it at this rate.
Finally, Michael let himself get a little hopeful.
That was until he heard heavy breathing.
The sinking feeling in his stomach proved to be true when he turned to see Jeremy trembling all over. His hands were paler than the rest of him from how hard he gripped the remote.
And Michael was right about the violent flinching.
“Jer, are you okay?” Michael asked. He wasn’t even playing anymore, but apparently, that didn’t stop Jeremy, who was still clicking frantically.
“I’m—” his breath hitched. “I’m f–fine. Keep—keep playing.”
Michael paused the game.
“Hey! Why’d you pause it?!” Jeremy glared at Michael.
There was a sort of frantic anger and determination in his eyes.
It was a little freaky.
“I paused it because you’re starting to hyperventilate.” Jeremy’s eyes widened and he looked down at the controller. Michael gently pulled it out of Jeremy’s death grip and placed it aside, and Jeremy clasped his hands together as if to slow the violent shaking; it didn’t work.
“And you’re clearly panicking about something, but you won’t tell me what it is,” Michael continued.
The previous vigour Jeremy held fizzled out dramatically as he deflated further into the bean bag chair.
He ran his fingers through his hair and then squeezed his hands together even tighter.
It pained Michael to see Jeremy suffer like this. Jeremy looked close to tears, and like he was desperate to hold them back.
“Can you tell me what’s wrong, Jer?” Michael said softly, not wanting to spook him further.
Jeremy swallowed and inhaled sharply, not tearing his gaze away from his hands.
“I just—”
Michael hadn’t seen Jeremy have a full-blown panic attack in a long time.
Not since before… everything.
He started breathing rapidly before he could even finish his sentence. Michael watched him throw his fists against his eyes and curl in on himself, gasping for air.
“ Shit! ” Michael whispered to himself before repressing his own rising panic to rush to his friend’s assistance.
Michael didn’t know when Jeremy’s hands made their way up to yanking at his hair, but he pulled them away and held them in his own.
Jeremy’s hands were clammy with sweat and tears, and warm but cold from the moisture.
“You’re okay, Jeremy,” Michael squeezed his hands.
All Jeremy let out in response was an incoherent squeak.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Michael hushed. “Just focus on your breathing.”
It wasn’t that they hadn’t done this before. They had , but it had been long.
And the amount of fear Michael felt at the way Jeremy wouldn’t stop shaking and couldn’t breathe made him feel like Apocalypse of the Damned wasn’t the only thing he was rusty at.
“You’re okay, I promise,” Michael repeated.
Jeremy just shook his head and started breathing even faster. His breaths were so quick and shallow that Michael feared he might pass out—he knew for a fact it wasn’t impossible.
Seeing the tears streaming down Jeremy’s cheeks and feeling the instability in his hands, Michael was determined to not let that happen today.
As of right now, Jeremy was in a pretty bad state.
Michael wracked his brain for what to do. As he searched for a solution, he felt the weight of Jeremy collapse against him, which brought about another spike of panic.
He was still breathing rapidly, and still conscious—thankfully.
He wouldn’t be for long, though, if Michael couldn’t think of something.
Then, Michael remembered what he used to do.
“Jeremy, can you hear me?” Michael asked, then waited a few seconds.
He was unresponsive.
Michael was doing everything in his power to stay calm—one of them had to.
He squeezed Jeremy’s hands and asked again.
“Can you hear me?”
After another excruciatingly long second, Jeremy nodded. It was small but it was there.
Michael let out a sigh of relief. “Okay,” he said softly. “Can—can you try to take deep breaths? In for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. Can you try that, Jer?”
Jeremy’s eyes were shut tightly, but he nodded again.
That was good.
Michael continued holding his hands as he counted the breaths for Jeremy to follow along.
There was a bit of a rocky start—as was expected—but eventually, Jeremy got the hang of it.
“You’re doing great, okay? You got this.”
After a while, his breaths were still ragged and shaky, but they were slower, and they sounded less painful.
Jeremy buried his face in Michael’s hoodie as Michael held him in a hug, repeating “it’s okay” softly until he calmed down further.
They hadn’t done this in a long time.
Michael quieted down once Jeremy spoke:
“Thank—thank you, Michael,” he said into the fabric of the hoodie.
Michael winced at the hoarseness in Jeremy’s voice.
“All good, dude.”
“And, I’m s—I’m sorry.”
Michael positioned Jeremy to face him, rather than lean against his chest. Jeremy’s eyes were heavily unfocused and he looked just about to topple over, so Michael gently held him up by the shoulders to keep him steady.
“Can you tell me what happened?” Michael asked.
Jeremy looked down at his lap and nodded. Michael’s heart broke at the sight of new tears forming in Jeremy’s eyes.
Jeremy took a deep breath before speaking—a good idea.
“I just—I just didn’t want it to take over my life.”
Michael pursed his lips. They both knew what “it” was, but he had to be sure.
“The SQUIP?”
Jeremy nodded again, fruitlessly wiping his eyes despite the constant flow of tears.
“I… it just—I just… I keep being, like, reminded of it,” Jeremy looked over at the gaming controller. “It’s like it won’t stop controlling my life, and my thoughts, and my actions even though it’s gone.”
Michael continued to hold Jeremy up with one hand and picked up the controller with the other.
“Why did this remind you of it?”
Jeremy covered his eyes with his hands, but Michael could hear the tears in his voice anyway.
“Whenever it vibrated—when we got attacked, I could feel it… sh— shocking me.” Jeremy said, trying to keep his breathing steady. “I knew—I knew it wasn’t, but I think that’s why… that’s why I dropped it.”
Michael’s stomach dropped. He knew about what the SQUIP did, but hearing it again didn’t make it any easier to digest.
“It—it scared me, Michael,” Jeremy whispered.
“Jeremy…” Michael frowned.
Jeremy let out a sob and Michael promptly pulled him back into a hug.
“I… I wanted to keep playing because I just—I just needed to say ‘fuck you’ to it and not let it take this away from me… again.” The last word was almost a whisper, as if he was scared to say it. “I’m so sorry. We—we almost beat it, too.”
As Jeremy leaned against Michael, Michael could feel his breathing start to pick up again.
“Jeremy,” Michael started.
“... Uh huh?”
“I’m going to tell you two things.”
“O…okay.”
Jeremy replied into Michael’s hoodie. He sounded so small.
“The first thing is that I need you to understand that this game, while very important, is not nor ever will be more important than your mental well-being. I don’t care that we didn’t beat it. We can beat it some other time.”
Michael felt Jeremy tense at the last sentence.
“That leads to my second thing. I have other controllers that don’t vibrate or shake or anything like that. Do you wanna use those instead? That way, we can still play.”
After Jeremy’s small nod, Michael continued:
“And there’s nothing wrong with altering the way we do things. It doesn’t mean the SQUIP is still controlling you. It’s not. You are in charge of you.”
Michael poked an index finger against Jeremy’s forehead. “The loudest voice in there is yours, remember?”
Jeremy chuckled at that and nodded again.
“That shit was seriously traumatizing, and needing to make adjustments is no big. I would rather you do that than force yourself to power through it because we just saw what happens when you do that. Okay?”
Jeremy sighed, then nodded. “Okay,” he said softly.
“And, Jeremy?” Michael said, adjusting to make direct eye contact with him.
“Mhm…?” Jeremy mumbled.
“I need you to be open with me, remember?”
Jeremy averted his gaze.
“We both agreed not to struggle in silence. If you’re not okay, then tell me. Please , Jeremy.”
Jeremy bit his lip.
“Okay, Michael.”
“Can you promise me you’ll do that?”
He took a deep breath and shut his eyes as if that helped him force the words out.
“I promise that I’ll try.”
Jeremy’s voice cracked at the last word.
Michael smiled and looked up at the paused game on the TV.
He knew Jeremy was telling the truth. Discussing Jeremy’s time with the SQUIP freaked both of them out, and Michael knew that Jeremy could only handle talking about it in small doses if at all.
Right now, Michael was happy to know that Jeremy would try. It was honest, and it was enough.
“Thank you,” Michael replied.
“You welcome…”
Michael looked back down to see Jeremy dozing off. He chuckled at the way Jeremy opened his eyes every few seconds, trying to stay awake.
“You can sleep now.”
“Okay… thank you…” Jeremy let his eyes fall shut. “Love you, player one…”
Jeremy dug his face further into Michael’s hoodie. Michael couldn’t blame him—it was a soft hoodie. The slow rise and fall of Jeremy’s chest was insurmountably relieving. His face was red and covered with tears, and judging by his gaping mouth, Michael knew he’d have some drool to wash off his hoodie, later. He didn’t mind that too much though, because Jeremy was okay.
Despite the circumstances, asleep in Michael’s arms, Jeremy looked peaceful.
Michael knew they would be okay.
“Love you, player two.”