Chapter Text
February 6th, 2023
Taking time off from the job voluntarily isn’t something Olivia Benson does often. In fact, the last time she did Noah had been around six years old. She’d taken eight days off to enjoy some time with him on the beach in California. Which – to be fair – hadn’t quite been voluntarily either, she thinks while sipping a fresh cup of coffee on the garden chair in their AirBnb. Fin had been the cause of the offending email of a hotel conformation she’d received in her inbox that one day. They’d just wrapped up one of the many bad cases, and although she had to admit she’d been dangerously close to a burn-out, it had been a little unsettling to realize others were seeing that too.
“Take some time off, and go on that well-deserved vacation the whole squad cashed in for.” Fin had said, and she couldn’t help but feel a little guilty about her detectives feeling the need to do this for their Captain.
“Fin, I don’t know-”
“Noah would love the sea. Plus you know how he always talks about wanting to travel the world.”
Fin had been right and she knew it. So, she took the time off and enjoyed her holiday by the sea. Noah had been the happiest she’d ever seen him from the moment they boarded the plane until the minute they returned back home, and that made it all worth it to her. Even now he still talks about it sometimes, begging to go somewhere again.
She’d certainly saved up enough money to go, but nothing had ever come of it. That was until Elliot visited her two weeks before Christmas, asking her what the hell happened to her while he was away because someone had mentioned something about her that hadn’t sat right with him. They’d been talking for a while, playing games and asking the simplest questions over lunch or dinner. It’s how she now knows the bland of coffee he prefers, and the way he loves a good focaccia with green pesto, arugula, jámon serrano and mozzarella. He loves to smell the salt of the ocean and go for a swim in the morning before going about his day.
His question had changed everything, though, because it got her thrown into the very conversation she’d been dreading. It had taken him longer than she’d originally expected, but between him processing his grief very poorly and trying to take care of his whole family she should’ve expected it hadn’t been the first thing on his mind. Or maybe he’d just been too scared, maybe he’d made up this universe in which she’d been happy in the ten years he was gone and hasn’t been ready to shatter that just yet. Maybe he needed that little sprinkle of hope, of her happiness to stay sane all these months.
But right in that moment, standing there in her living room with his eyes full of worry, he’d been ready. He’d been ready but hesitant because it clearly looked like he felt he didn’t have the right to ask, to know.
She remembers how she’d studied him as she’d told him to take a seat on the couch. He’d always been gentle with her, and that night had been no different. Apart from the slight fidgeting of his fingers he’d seemed… calm, almost – and she’d been grateful for that. She’d been relieved to see that even though a lot about him had changed in the years he’d been gone, that part of him hadn’t. He hadn’t expected anything from her, but just wanted to give her a safe space to talk about it.
She’d never known why he’d never pushed even though he’d clearly wanted to. But maybe even though he’d wanted to be the only man in her life (as his jealousy often made clear), he’d felt like he never had the right.
He’d always had the right, she thinks. He was my partner.
It had been a night of heartbreak and pain, but also the start of something new. She’d felt it blossoming in her chest after he held his arm out for her to crawl into. She’d done so, doubtfully but longing for his touch. It’s the moment she’d felt a weight lifted from her shoulders when she’d known it had been the right choice to finally let him in, to trust him with the darkest moment of her life. It’s how she allowed herself to share secrets with him she’d withheld even from her therapist, and in doing so she’d felt something shift within her. Something that had felt an awful lot like acceptance and healing, as he’d held her tighter and kissed the top of her head lovingly.
“You’re so strong,” he’d whispered, “so brave.”
But she’d felt him shake and when she’d looked up she’d realized she hadn’t been the only one who’d had silent tears rolling down her face. He’d laid his hand on her cheek, oh so delicately and she’d leaned into him as a soft smile graced her face before she turned her head and kissed the balm of his hand.
Silent moments had passed before he’d spoken up and her breathing nearly stopped. “Let’s get out of here,” he’d said as though he’d already made up his mind. “Just you, me and the kids – Noah and Eli.”
It’s how she ended up at this beautiful AirBnb situated in Mal Pais, Costa Rica. Costa Rica is a place Noah had always wanted to go to, and to be honest it had been a secret dream of hers as well. She’d had her doubts about going with Elliot, of all people, but eventually decided this might be exactly what their friendship (or well… situationship) needed. Noah had been ecstatic when he heard about this trip and even Eli hadn’t completely hated the idea, despite never having met Noah and only knowing Olivia from the moments she’d helped or bumped into him.
It had been a little awkward when they first met at the airport, but that had dissipated as soon as Noah remembered Eli had lived in Rome and fired about a million questions at him about how it was like to live there. Elliot had sent her a reassuring smile, and she’d nodded.
They’d be okay.
Looking back on the past two days, things had indeed been okay. The boys had been having a great time, and although Eli still seems to avoid Olivia in a way, she’d been trying to engage him in a conversation and he’d seemed to light up whenever she did.
Eli just needs some time, and Olivia is fully convinced he’ll come to her when he’s ready.
Behind her, she hears the metal frame of the door slide open. Turning her head to the right, she sees Elliot enter with his own cup of coffee – dressed in his dark blue swimming shorts.
“Morning,” he says, his eyes twinkling at the sight of her.
“Morning,” she whispers and smiles.
Things have been easy between the two of them. Sharing a house (and a bed, while they haven’t even slept together yet) hasn’t been scary or frustrating as she’d thought it would be – instead it’s the most peaceful she’s felt in years.
It’s six in the morning, and the sky is covered in beautiful warm colors as the sun comes up. Birds are chirping all around them, and they watch as a few monkeys climb their way from one tree to another. She could sit here forever, just watching the beautiful scenery in front of them unfold with him by her side.
“Thank you,” Olivia says, and Elliot frowns as their eyes lock.
“What for?”
Olivia shakes her head slightly and averts her gaze, taking another sip. “For suggesting this. I think we all needed a break, even the boys.”
Elliot nods in agreement, and takes a seat in front of her. He grabbed her hand, and she smiles when he begins to draw little patterns on it. “I’m glad to be here with you, Liv.”
She feels warmth spread through her, and suddenly she feels an overwhelming need to cry. Not in a negative way, but a content one. Because she feels happy here, with her boys, but that happiness barely ever lasts and she’s scared – so damn scared because she knows if he’ll leave her for a second time she will not be able to handle it.
“Me too,” she smiles and retreats her hand from his.
She has to trust he’ll stay this time, that he’ll share her victories and dries her tears. She has to trust he’ll be there, because he’d told her he would be.